A few years ago, I penned a piece for the platform that had some readers super hot. It was entitled, “Why I Prefer My Friends To NOT Be Friends With Each Other.” For some reason, they thought that my resolve was about insecurity. What’s hilarious is some of those very people ended up writing me, some months later, to say that they actually got where I was coming from after going through a few things in their own world.
Listen, when it comes to my friends who were already friends with each other, it’s whatever. Beyond that, though, it has served me well to keep that kind of “You’ve got your friends, and I’ve got mine” type of boundary — not just when it comes to my relationships but my friends and their friends whom I am not friends with as well. For one thing, I can decide what I want known and what I don’t want known; when all of your friends are friends, all kinds of assumptions about who can and should know what can be made that could be dead wrong.
Another reason? Friendships come in levels — in other words, no one should assume that just because I am friends with multiple people the closeness or intimacy is the same with others as it is with them. So, if everyone is cool with each other and not exactly close, I don’t have to worry about that. And these reasons are just the tip of my iceberg.
Besides, it’s not like this “rule” of mine affects a ton of people. I say that because I don’t call a ton of people my “friend” in the first place. One reason is because I think that “friend” is a very serious title to have, one that comes with a lot of mutual responsibility and reciprocity. Secondly, I know that there is A LOT of space in between “friend” and “enemy.” That’s why, when I first happened upon the whole “five friendship theory” notion, it made complete and total sense to me.
What Is The 5 Friendship Theory?
If you’re not familiar with what the five friendship theory is, let’s discuss it today to see if you agree that it’s truly onto something — that you are rich beyond measure if you’ve got five solid friends. Not only that, but it’s probably, in most instances, a wise number to both start and stop at.
First of All, What’s Your Personal Definition of “Friend”?
GiphyIn order for you to really appreciate the theory and where the notion is actually coming from, first ponder how you would define the word “friend” to begin with. If you’d like a few articles to jumpstart your brain, check out “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships,” “10 Signs You’ve Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend,” and “Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend.'”
Me personally? My friends are closer to me than a ton of my blood relatives are. There are sweet sentiments behind that and also, sometimes, top-tier inconveniences as well (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). Wait — did I mean to say “inconvenient”? Indeed, I did. Sometimes I’ve paid bills for a friend. Sometimes I’ve been awakened in the middle of the night by a friend. Sometimes, quite frankly, I’ve done things that I don’t even remotely want to do yet because my friend asked, it was as good as done. Why? Because my friends have done/will do those same things for me. And that’s a huge part of the reason why I don’t use the word casually.
That’s how I see my friendships, though. When it comes to your own, what do you require? What do your friends require of you? And when you factor in all that comes with both of those questions, how much time, effort, energy, and resources do you have to devote to multiple people?
This brings me to my next point.
Now, Let’s Explore Why You Can Probably Only Maintain Five Friendships
GiphyEarlier this year, The Guardian published an article entitled, “Five intimate friendships is the optimal amount – I scrape two.” Long story short, she was talking about how she finds it easier to maintain relationships that are close by rather than long-distance ones. While I get her overall point, most of my friends have lives that are just as, if not more, full as my own whether we live in the same city or not. In fact, one of my closest friends is in another state, and we talk more than some of the people who are 10 miles away from me; so, in many ways, I think the author’s point has to do with her personal friendship love language (check out “This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships”) and her personal approach to relationships.
However, what her narrative did confirm is that, especially as adults, our plates are full. Therefore, to be able to nurture a true friendship in the way that it truly deserves, you’re probably only going to be able to consistently manage about five of them (especially if you’re married and/or have children). And honestly, there is nothing wrong with that. It really is time for (some of) us to stop thinking that life is one big high school.
What I mean by that is, when we were teenagers, a big part of how many of us defined friendship was by how popular or liked we were. Now, our friendships need to be about who supports us, who nurtures us, and who helps to make us better people. Friendship needs to be seen from the angle and perspective of a quote that I once read by actor Amy Poehler: “Find a group of people who challenge and inspire you; spend a lot of time with them, and it will change your life."
Spend a lot of time with them. Chile, when you’re thriving in your purpose (regardless of your relational status), who has a lot of time for much of anything outside of that? This part actually reminds me of some things that I’ve heard stated by a Black influencer who goes by Only One Jess say about learning how to navigate some of her (what she calls) high-maintenance friends vs. low-maintenance ones. I believe she’s 31, and I’m not (LOL)…time evolves a lot of insights of friendship navigation; however, she’s got a solid point when it comes to different kinds of friends need different things, especially when you know that you are living “in your lane”— which is another reason why “five” is a pretty solid number. Not to mention the fact that, biblically, “5” actually means grace (and yes, friendships need quite a bit of that as well).
So yeah — if you’re committed and consistent, five (especially close) friendships may be just about all that you can manage. Does this mean that you can’t have other people in your world? Of course, not. Remember how I said that there is a lot of space between friend and enemy? Let me expound on that for just a sec.
Have You Ever Wondered What Your Own “People Bandwidth” Is?
GiphySomeone who is in my personal top five talks about bandwidth quite a bit. One definition of that word is literally “a range of frequencies” while another is “the energy or mental capacity required to deal with a situation.” It’s another article for another time to be careful about making sure that your life isn’t filled with a lot of people who pretty much do nothing more than drain your energy; however, when it comes to what we’re tackling today — what do you have the energy and mental capacity for, overall, when it comes to your relationships with other people?
According to a British anthropologist by the name of Robin Dunbar, no human can properly maintain more than 150 relationships; not close friendships, mind you — no, he’s speaking of relevant connections, in general. Based on his findings, any number above that is not going to have much longevity. OK, so how does he break all of this down? Good question.
Per an article I read that explains the theory well:
“According to the theory, the tightest circle has just five people – loved ones. That’s followed by successive layers of 15 (good friends), 50 (friends), 150 (meaningful contacts), 500 (acquaintances) and 1500 (people you can recognise). People migrate in and out of these layers, but the idea is that space has to be carved out for any new entrants.”
From what I’ve read and researched on the topic, our brain literally doesn’t have the ability to properly and responsibly handle more than this. So, with his theory being in front of you, do you agree? Do you really only have the “bandwidth” for five close friends and then the “bandwidth” for no more than 150, as he puts it, meaningful contacts? Now, before you answer, let me bring more one point into the dynamic.
Remember, There Are Always “Levels” to This Thing
GiphyLive on this earth long enough (which, let’s be real, that includes being disappointed by enough people), and you’ll learn that friendships ARE NOT a monolith. Indeed, there are plenty of layers to them. That’s why I wrote articles like “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them” and “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
When it comes to the Aristotle piece, his theory is that we need work/career/purpose (which aren’t exactly the same things), friends, friends who we can kick it with (you may have common interests), and then friends who build your character. Based on what your priorities are at any given time, you may have more “bandwidth” for one of those types of friends more than the others.
The point here is that, as you start to sort out what it means, TO YOU, to call someone “friend” and then you begin to branch out, please don’t feel like everyone has to check off all of the same boxes — they absolutely do not.
I’ve got some friends who I will drop everything right now and tend to. Then, I have meaningful connections. Yeah, I really like that “space” between friend and enemy because some people really can mean a lot to you, but you wouldn’t exactly consider them to be a “friend.” Right now, I’ve got someone in my life who is going through a super challenging situation. We’re not friends, yet I do care profoundly about them, so I’ve been intentional about making time for them, weekly, until their particular storm passes.
Yeah, one of the things about applying Dunbar and Aristotle’s theories to your life is you can start to categorize who fits where and when — without getting confused or even feeling bad about it. Your “levels” can make you handle your bandwidth with extreme care before it — or you — up and snaps because you simply have nothing left to give.
Final point.
Never Be Apologetic for Having a “Friend Limit”
GiphyA part of the reason why I thought it was important to write this article is because I think that most of us have had one time or another when we’ve felt bad for not having it in us to give as much as people expect. It’s also another message for another time, how important it is to make sure that if you’re “stretching yourself thin,” it’s for people who would do the same for you. For many years, I was stretching out, and it was completely one-sided…and that is why I was so tapped out. Yet — and please hear me when I say this — even when it comes to reciprocators, it’s still okay to have friend limits.
Some people laugh at the Gemini in me and/or the Shellie in me, who will be quick to tell someone who expects certain things of me (simply because they decided that they should have it), “We aren’t friends; I do that for my friends.” And again, only people who think there are two relational teams only (friends and enemies) would be offended by that. Not everyone is your spouse; it’s an esteemed title.
The more you value friendship, not everyone should be called “friend” either.
So yeah, whether you agree with Dunbar and your limit is five or you’ve got 20 — your limit is your limit. Be okay with being okay with that…it doesn’t matter who else isn’t. You know your bandwidth, your energy level, your mental capacity; that’s all that matters.
Aight. Let me hop off of this thing in order to tend to one of my “top five”.
I’m telling you, this theory can be so freeing. At least…consider applying it.
When it comes to the quality of your relationships, it could be a real game-changer.
Straight up.
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- 12 Facts About Friends That Will Make You Rethink Yours - xoNecole ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
Courtesy
When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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Everything Cam Newton And Jasmin Brown Have Said About Their Unconventional Relationship
It’s clear that Cam Newton and Jasmin Brown have an untraditional relationship. But as the African proverb says, “If you like it, I love it.”
In 2022, their relationship became public knowledge when they were spotted together at prominent events such as Milan Fashion Week and the Kentucky Derby, as reported by PEOPLE magazine. Newton, who had a previous relationship with Kia Proctor, embarked on a new chapter with Brown after they met and realized their shared values.
In their close-knit relationship, Cam and Jasmin have openly discussed their mutual trust and understanding all over Beyoncé's internet. As their journey as a couple continues to evolve, marked by both personal and professional support, the anticipated arrival of their child in 2024 promised a new chapter in their relationship.
The stars continue to make headlines every time they share details about their unconventional partnership. Here’s everything Cam and Jasmin have shared about their relationship.
Cam Newton and Jasmin Brown on Infidelity
In an October 2024 episode of Funky Friday with Cam Newton featuring comedian Corey Holcomb, the former NFL star disclosed that he has had sexual relations with other women while being in a relationship with Jasmin Brown, with whom he shares a child. This revelation came after Holcomb expressed skepticism about Newton's claim that he only sleeps with one woman.
“As long as I’ve been with Jas, Jas has not been the only person I’ve had sex with. There’s times where I’ve openly had conversations, and this is why me and Jas are growing in our relationship…Jas allows me to speak to her, and we’re able to have banter, whether it’s uncomfortable banter or kicking sh-t banter.”
For the couple, there’s a large significance of open communication. This honesty allows him to express his vulnerabilities without fear of judgment from his partner. However, Brown has openly communicated her discomfort with his desire to pursue other women. Their ability to express themselves, consider each other's perspectives, and provide mutual protection, as he describes it, has fostered his loyalty to her.
At this stage in their relationship, he is exclusively committed to her and no longer seeks the company of other women.
Jasmin responded to the viral moment saying, “TRUST ME, I know WHO and WHAT my ni–a is. Ain’t no secrets or surprises. He can talk to me about anything.”
She went on to say, “‘Why not just be single if you gonna cheat’ I feel you!!! HOWEVER, men just be wanting to f–k. Once they do that, they’re back to temporarily thinking straight. It’s real ghetto out here! I get it! I don’t blame yall for wanting to be single! But if you spend enough time talking to men about this topic, you’ll see that it’s not as shocking as it may seem.”
Jasmin on Being a 'Joyful Servant'
“I think my biggest flex is how I treat my man,” Brown boasted while on theLovers and Friends with Shan Boodrampodcast. In a candid conversation about roles within relationships, the millennial internet personality openly acknowledged her inclination towards submissiveness in her romantic partnership. She further elaborated on her commitment to pampering and spoiling her significant other, Cam.
Brown said, “You know, like packing his bag, unpacking his bag. Just making sure—all the things that he wants. I pretty much read his mind. If I know you, and I study you, I know how you are in the morning; I know how you are by midday. Before you can even ask me for something, I’m already on it. He’s spoiled.”
Cam and Jas’ Open Communication Theory
Newton has shared how in tune he feels with Jasmin Brown, highlighting their open communication and his appreciation for her support and understanding. Their relationship, as he describes, allows them to discuss any topic freely, creating a strong foundation built on trust and mutual respect.
While interviewing Kash Doll on his podcast, he shared that the pair do almost everything together, including going to the bathroom.
"First off, with me and mine, she already know. It ain't no privacy. We [are] in there together. That's our thing. I know this is TMI, but that's my dawg. We got the saying where we're like, 'we're two retired thots that came together.' We see both of our jerseys in the rafters...Hers got more dust on it than me. Mine recently just went up there."
As the conversation progressed, Newton elaborated on the remarkable bond he shared with Brown. Their connection is so profound that they effortlessly discover humor in various aspects of their lives, always having a ki.
Cam Newton on Sharing His Sex Addiction with Jasmin
The Carolina Panthers alum opened up to Chrisean Rock on his podcast saying, “I told her from day one I was like, yo, I think I have a sex addiction. I’ve had sex with a lot of women, so you gotta bear with me to understand me. No woman has ever wanted to understand.”
Alone, he typically dealt with many things, so he was surprised that Jasmin was willing to talk him through it. He explained that it was something he handled by himself. “I had to figure out myself and identify, so it took me a long time to realize, like, bro, I think I got an addiction. It was more or less, I don’t drink. I don’t smoke,” he said.
Cam continued, “I have an addictive personality and challenge, very like you what I’m saying, bravado, broad shoulders, and anytime I see a woman, it’s like the challenge for me is yo, I bet I can. It took patience and, most of all, communication, and I never was with a person who really wanted to know why, and I was blown away like you really want to know?”
Jasmin Brown on Defending Her Man, Her Man, Her Man
During her comedy tour's opening night in Charlotte in December 2023, the Caught Up actress took to the stage wearing her boyfriend's Panthers jersey, addressing the media frenzy surrounding her pregnancy. “If y’all don’t know, I’m the third one, and this is his sixth child,” an Instagram snippet showed.
“Someone said, ooh, right, couldn’t of been me, aight until a rich ni–a put that pressure on you.” Amidst the crowd's eruption of laughter, she persevered, “I could never be with nobody, okay, until a $100 million ni–a start putting that pressure on you. You don’t know what the fuck you gonna do.”
Cam is the father of five children with his ex-fiancée, Kia Proctor. Their children are Chosen Sebastian (born in 2015), Sovereign-Dior (born in 2017), Camidas (born in 2018), and Cashmere (born in 2019). Kia Proctor also has a daughter named Shakira from a previous relationship, whom Newton has raised as his own. Additionally, Newton has a son named Caesar with LaReina Shaw and co-parents her son Jaden from a prior relationship.
Cam and Jasmine welcomed their bundle of joy earlier this year.
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