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What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?
A few years ago, I penned a piece for the platform that had some readers super hot. It was entitled, “Why I Prefer My Friends To NOT Be Friends With Each Other.” For some reason, they thought that my resolve was about insecurity. What’s hilarious is some of those very people ended up writing me, some months later, to say that they actually got where I was coming from after going through a few things in their own world.
Listen, when it comes to my friends who were already friends with each other, it’s whatever. Beyond that, though, it has served me well to keep that kind of “You’ve got your friends, and I’ve got mine” type of boundary — not just when it comes to my relationships but my friends and their friends whom I am not friends with as well. For one thing, I can decide what I want known and what I don’t want known; when all of your friends are friends, all kinds of assumptions about who can and should know what can be made that could be dead wrong.
Another reason? Friendships come in levels — in other words, no one should assume that just because I am friends with multiple people that the closeness or intimacy is the same with others as it is with them. So, if everyone is cool with each other and not exactly close, I don’t have to worry about that. And these reasons are just the tip of my iceberg.
Besides, it’s not like this “rule” of mine affects a ton of people. I say that because I don’t call a ton of people my “friend” in the first place. One reason is because I think that “friend” is a very serious title to have, one that comes with a lot of mutual responsibility and reciprocity. Secondly, I know that there is A LOT of space in between “friend” and “enemy.” That’s why, when I first happened upon the whole “five friendship theory” notion, it made complete and total sense to me.
Why Humans Can Only Maintain Five Close Friends
If you’re not familiar with what that is, let’s discuss it today to see if you agree that it’s truly onto something — that you are rich beyond measure if you’ve got five solid friends. Not only that, but it’s probably, in most instances, a wise number to both start and stop at.
First of All, What’s Your Personal Definition of “Friend”?
In order for you to really appreciate the theory and where the notion is actually coming from, first ponder how you would define the word “friend” to begin with. If you’d like a few articles to jumpstart your brain, check out “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships,” “10 Signs You’ve Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend,” and “Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend.'”
Me personally? My friends are closer to me than a ton of my blood relatives are. There are sweet sentiments behind that and also, sometimes, top-tier inconveniences as well (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). Wait — did I mean to say “inconvenient”? Indeed, I did. Sometimes I’ve paid bills for a friend. Sometimes I’ve been awakened in the middle of the night by a friend. Sometimes, quite frankly, I’ve done things that I don’t even remotely want to do yet because my friend asked, it was as good as done. Why? Because my friends have done/will do those same things for me. And that’s a huge part of the reason why I don’t use the word casually.
That’s how I see my friendships, though. When it comes to your own, what do you require? What do your friends require of you? And when you factor in all that comes with both of those questions, how much time, effort, energy, and resources do you have to devote to multiple people?
This brings me to my next point.
Now, Let’s Explore Why You Can Probably Only Maintain Five Friendships
Earlier this year, The Guardian published an article entitled, “Five intimate friendships is the optimal amount – I scrape two.” Long story short, she was talking about how she finds it easier to maintain relationships that are close by rather than long-distance ones. While I get her overall point, most of my friends have lives that are just as, if not more, full as my own whether we live in the same city or not. In fact, one of my closest friends is in another state, and we talk more than some of the people who are 10 miles away from me; so, in many ways, I think the author’s point has to do with her personal friendship love language (check out “This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships”) and her personal approach to relationships.
However, what her narrative did confirm is that, especially as adults, our plates are full. Therefore, to be able to nurture a true friendship in the way that it truly deserves, you’re probably only going to be able to consistently manage about five of them (especially if you’re married and/or have children). And honestly, there is nothing wrong with that. It really is time for (some of) us to stop thinking that life is one big high school.
What I mean by that is, when we were teenagers, a big part of how many of us defined friendship was by how popular or liked we were. Now, our friendships need to be about who supports us, who nurtures us, and who helps to make us better people. Friendship needs to be seen from the angle and perspective of a quote that I once read by actor Amy Poehler: “Find a group of people who challenge and inspire you; spend a lot of time with them, and it will change your life."
Spend a lot of time with them. Chile, when you’re thriving in your purpose (regardless of your relational status), who has a lot of time for much of anything outside of that? This part actually reminds me of some things that I’ve heard stated by a Black influencer who goes by Only One Jess say about learning how to navigate some of her (what she calls) high-maintenance friends vs. low-maintenance ones. I believe she’s 31, and I’m not (LOL)…time evolves a lot of insights of friendship navigation; however, she’s got a solid point when it comes to different kinds of friends need different things, especially when you know that you are living “in your lane”— which is another reason why “five” is a pretty solid number. Not to mention the fact that, biblically, “5” actually means grace (and yes, friendships need quite a bit of that as well).
So yeah — if you’re committed and consistent, five (especially close) friendships may be just about all that you can manage. Does this mean that you can’t have other people in your world? Of course, not. Remember how I said that there is a lot of space between friend and enemy? Let me expound on that for just a sec.
Have You Ever Wondered What Your Own “People Bandwidth” Is?
Someone who is in my personal top five talks about bandwidth quite a bit. One definition of that word is literally “a range of frequencies” while another is “the energy or mental capacity required to deal with a situation.” It’s another article for another time to be careful about making sure that your life isn’t filled with a lot of people who pretty much do nothing more than drain your energy; however, when it comes to what we’re tackling today — what do you have the energy and mental capacity for, overall, when it comes to your relationships with other people?
According to a British anthropologist by the name of Robin Dunbar, no human can properly maintain more than 150 relationships; not close friendships, mind you — no, he’s speaking of relevant connections, in general. Based on his findings, any number above that is not going to have much longevity. OK, so how does he break all of this down? Good question.
Per an article I read that explains the theory well:
“According to the theory, the tightest circle has just five people – loved ones. That’s followed by successive layers of 15 (good friends), 50 (friends), 150 (meaningful contacts), 500 (acquaintances) and 1500 (people you can recognise). People migrate in and out of these layers, but the idea is that space has to be carved out for any new entrants.”
From what I’ve read and researched on the topic, our brain literally doesn’t have the ability to properly and responsibly handle more than this. So, with his theory being in front of you, do you agree? Do you really only have the “bandwidth” for five close friends and then the “bandwidth” for no more than 150, as he puts it, meaningful contacts? Now, before you answer, let me bring more one point into the dynamic.
Remember, There Are Always “Levels” to This Thing
Live on this earth long enough (which, let’s be real, that includes being disappointed by enough people), and you’ll learn that friendships ARE NOT a monolith. Indeed, there are plenty of layers to them. That’s why I wrote articles like “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them” and “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
When it comes to the Aristotle piece, his theory is that we need work/career/purpose (which aren’t exactly the same things), friends, friends who we can kick it with (you may have common interests), and then friends who build your character. Based on what your priorities are at any given time, you may have more “bandwidth” for one of those types of friends more than the others.
The point here is that, as you start to sort out what it means, TO YOU, to call someone “friend” and then you begin to branch out, please don’t feel like everyone has to check off all of the same boxes — they absolutely do not.
I’ve got some friends who I will drop everything right now and tend to. Then, I have meaningful connections. Yeah, I really like that “space” between friend and enemy because some people really can mean a lot to you, but you wouldn’t exactly consider them to be a “friend.” Right now, I’ve got someone in my life who is going through a super challenging situation. We’re not friends, yet I do care profoundly about them, so I’ve been intentional about making time for them, weekly, until their particular storm passes.
Yeah, one of the things about applying Dunbar and Aristotle’s theories to your life is you can start to categorize who fits where and when — without getting confused or even feeling bad about it. Your “levels” can make you handle your bandwidth with extreme care before it — or you — up and snaps because you simply have nothing left to give.
Final point.
Never Be Apologetic for Having a “Friend Limit”
A part of the reason why I thought it was important to write this article is because I think that most of us have had one time or another when we’ve felt bad for not having it in us to give as much as people expect. It’s also another message for another time, how important it is to make sure that if you’re “stretching yourself thin,” it’s for people who would do the same for you. For many years, I was stretching out, and it was completely one-sided…and that is why I was so tapped out. Yet — and please hear me when I say this — even when it comes to reciprocators, it’s still okay to have friend limits.
Some people laugh at the Gemini in me and/or the Shellie in me, who will be quick to tell someone who expects certain things of me (simply because they decided that they should have it), “We aren’t friends; I do that for my friends.” And again, only people who think there are two relational teams only (friends and enemies) would be offended by that. Not everyone is your spouse; it’s an esteemed title.
The more you value friendship, not everyone should be called “friend” either.
So yeah, whether you agree with Dunbar and your limit is five or you’ve got 20 — your limit is your limit. Be okay with being okay with that…it doesn’t matter who else isn’t. You know your bandwidth, your energy level, your mental capacity; that’s all that matters.
Aight. Let me hop off of this thing in order to tend to one of my “top five”.
I’m telling you, this theory can be so freeing. At least…consider applying it.
When it comes to the quality of your relationships, it could be a real game-changer.
Straight up.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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