I will never forget when a woman that I know followed a man from DC to Nashville, with absolutely no assurances from him that it was going to turn into something serious, only for him to break up with her and then marry someone else. The woman? She was devastated. It also took her a long time to recover because, although the man did not tell her that he wanted her to come nor did he say that something would come of it if she did, she told me herself that she believed if she took the risk and came anyway, it would convey to him that she was all in which would convince him to reciprocate her intentions.
She is exactly why I thought it was important to write this article. The reality is that around 14 million Americans are in some type of a long-distance relationship. Not only that but statistics reveal that a whopping 75 percent of engaged couples have been in some sort of long-distance situation before (even if it was only for a short period of time) and somewhere around 10 percent of marriages began as a long-distance relationship as well. Clearly they are popular. Clearly some relationships end up becoming long-term. And sometimes, even jumping the broom is the end result.
Still, because the marriage rate isn't super high and the woman I told you about isn't exactly an anomaly if you're someone who's strongly considering getting into a long-distance relationship, here are seven things that I definitely think you should think really long and hard about. First.
1. How Realistic Are You About Relationships, in General?
Relationships are awesome (well, healthy ones are). You know what else? They tend to require quite a bit of time, effort, and energy. That's why, something that I tend to say, pretty much on loop, is if you're a selfish individual, you have absolutely no business being in a relationship — especially when it comes to a long-distance one. Unfortunately, a lot of people feel so automatically entitled in a relationship that they don't even take the time to ponder if they are so self-serving that they are not willing to put in the work that is needed in order to make a relationship thrive and last.
Not only that but when something is long-distance, it can cause them to become pretty unrealistic about relationships, in general, because they have a tendency to be a lot like honeymoons in the sense that, since they don't really get to see their partner all of the time, every time they do, they're so excited that they may not even really get into the day-to-day challenges that seeing each other on the regular typically reveals.
Listen, I know many people who dated long-distance, got married and then, a few years later, either they were absolutely miserable or they ended up calling things off altogether. Why? Because they were so caught up in the romance of it all that they didn't realize they actually didn't know one another as well as they thought they did. That's why, before getting into all of the other things that you should ponder before getting serious with someone who lives in another city, state or even country, you should think long and hard about if you have a tendency to take a realistic approach to relationships or…not.
2. Are You Good at Prioritizing Relationships?
Straight up, there are some spouses I know who, although they love their partner to pieces, their relationship is still basically hanging on by a thread and it's all because they didn't prepare for how they were going to have to make their union a top priority in their life. In their mind, their marriage was going to be in the top five, for sure, when really, it needs to be right there under God. Everything else comes after (kids included; kids are fine when parents are in a good space).
Not to say that this point isn't something that requires a lot of planning and intention. I mean, there's work, there's family, there are friendships, there are daily to-do lists and schedules, there's "you" time — there's so much besides your relationship that you've got to maintain. And when the person you're dating isn't around you, it can be really easy to push them further and further down your priority list.
I will be the first to say that dating someone is not the same thing as being married to them (check out "7 Things That Make Marriage Different From Seriously Dating"). Where I'm going with this is while I don't think dating someone long-distance requires prioritizing them in the way that you would a spouse, it's still important to keep in mind that even more effort is needed to remain connected to someone who isn't close by. If you're not great at prioritizing or you're a huge procrastinator, that's another reason to consider maybe pumping the brakes on a long-distance situation.
3. What Do Your Finances Look Like?
Lucky for people now, smartphones are in these streets. Personally, I still remember when there were long-distance carriers and even calling cards. Yeah, talking on the phone in another state could literally end up costing the same as rent, if you weren't careful. Still, even though cells and communication apps like Skype and WhatsApp mean that you can talk to somewhere, literally anywhere, for hours, free of charge, ask someone who's been in a long-distance relationship before and they will tell you that it's a pretty penny investment.
Matter of fact, I recently read that if you're dating someone who lives far enough from you that you choose to fly to where they are and then go on a couple of dates while you're with them, just two of those trips could run you somewhere around $3,696. On the other hand, a couple who lives in the same city can go on a date, once a week, and only pay $2,600 annually to do so. That's a big-time cost difference right there.
Everything worth having is going to cost you on some level. The point here is if money is super tight, you need to really think about if you and (potentially) yours can afford to be in a relationship right now. Better to be honest on the front end, remain friends and perhaps finally prepare for what the future could hold than to get into something that you can't afford and then become resentful when either you can't see each other much or you're pissed because it's draining so much of your wallet(s).
4. How High Is Your Sex Drive?
I've shared, many times, that I am a marriage life coach. That's a part of the reason why I reference marriage so much (I also am a huge fan of that kind of relationship). And if there is one thing that I find myself constantly dealing with, it's couples who truly underestimated 1) how important sex is in a relationship and 2) how much sex drives can sometimes clash.
Although sex is a vital part of any serious relational dynamic, when you're in a long-distance relationship, unless the two of you mutually decide to wait for a long period of time or even until death parts you, sex can sometimes have even higher expectations because the physical time apart could result in you wanting sex to be more — shoot, more everything. More creative. More passionate. More often. Just more.
The really interesting thing about sex when it comes to long-distance couples is some partners desire visits to be non-stop romps while others could do without the sex because they want to mentally and emotionally connect more instead. There is no right or wrong here. The main point is to be honest about what your actual needs are and, if the two of you have decided to be exclusive, you need to be real with yourself (and them) about if that is something you can realistically be — or not.
5. What Is Your Love Language? What Is His?
Words of affirmation. Physical touch. Quality time. Acts of service. Gifts. These are the five things that are considered to be love languages (ways that we want love expressed to us). When you're in a relationship with anyone, it's important that you share with them what your two primary love languages are and also that you find out what theirs are in return. Oh but baby, when you're in a long-distance situation, take the relevance of this point up about five notches. Absence can be difficult, so it's crucial that you and yours stay connected by fluently speaking one another's language to each other.
Not only that but…say that you are a big gifts person and your partner is all about physical touch. He can send stuff to you on the regular and cause you to have warm fuzzies. Meanwhile, I don't care how much FaceTime or even phone sex happens between the two of you, he's going to get pretty antsy at some point because he needs to hold hands, cuddle and kiss — even more than you do. So yeah, discussing each other's love languages — and if you both are committed to speaking it to each other on the regular — is also something that is important before making a go of it. Because if neither of you is feeling loved, how can things work? Or last? Especially when there are many miles between you.
6. Are You Good at Compromising?
A writer and life coach by the name of Donna Martini once said, "Compromise is not about losing. It's about deciding that the other person has just as much right to be happy with the end result as you do." Lawd. If I could print this on a mug and send it to every long-term couple I know, I most certainly would! Far too many people go into relationships thinking that the objective needs to constantly be about convincing their partner to do what they want or that their way is the "right" way, when it really is much more about learning negotiation skills so that you both can find some common ground.
When you're in a long-distance relationship, especially, you are going to be challenged to be flexible and meet your partner halfway. Sometimes he won't get to come to you, so you'll either have to go out to him or wait. Sometimes there will be things that take precedence that may require you not speaking as long or much as usual. Sometimes you'll have to decide if dragging out an argument is worth the precious time that the two of you have together. Sometimes you're simply going to have to agree to disagree because having peace is more important than proving him wrong (especially when it comes to topics that don't have a real right or wrong, just a different perspective).
Bottom line with this point is lasting relationships require a willingness to bend and — dare I say it — sometimes even sacrifice because sacrifice means giving up one thing for something greater. Hey, if not seeing him for Valentine's Day means that he can stay even longer for your birthday…isn't that a fair compromise in many cases? If you're like, "Hell no. Things need to happen my way or not at all," well, you're probably not the best candidate for a long-distance relationship. Or any relationship, really, now that I think about it.
7. Where Do You Want Your Relationship to Be a Year from Now?
Long-distance relationships can be frustrating. They require so much that sometimes you're tired of putting so much into it when you're not sure if all of the giving is going to pay off. That's why I'm going to end with the fact that you should also ask yourself if you are contemplating getting into one because you want to semi-casually date or because you want to work towards something far more serious. If the answer is "B", then before making things official, discuss with your prospective partner where both of you would like to see the relationship within the next 12 months.
If marriage is on the table, this means that you both need to start using this time to not only cultivate your relationship but also figure out where you're both going to live, what career shifts need to be made and how you're going to adjust your lives in order to get things to the next level. Off the rip, you're going to be making sacrifices to be together. You need to be crystal clear how many sacrifices need to be required to get to where you both want to go — together.
Trust me, I could come up with several other things that are worth considering when it comes to being in a long-distance relationship. For now, what I will say is that if you take these seriously, it can help you to have a realistic look on this type of dynamic so that you can either get into a long-distance relationship and thrive or decide that it's not the thing for you and wait for what actually…is.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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