
National Black Business Month may be winding down, but that doesn’t mean we won’t stop celebrating Black businesses anytime soon. Starting a business is no small feat, and ensuring its success is its own accomplishment.
However, Black women are reportedly the fastest-growing business owners in the U.S., and they are using their voices to show others the power of entrepreneurship. xoNecole interviewed four Black women leaders in healthcare, tech, nonprofit, and entertainment about their entrepreneurship journeys, their legacies, and so much more.
Learn more about their stories below:xoNecole: Tell us a little bit about your journey.
Kayla Life: My pathway was a little bit different than most. I didn't go into a tech career. I didn't go and start working for a tech company. I actually started working in schools, and I was a teacher. I was a school counselor. I did everything but be a principal for over 15 years. But my main passion was technology.
So I would teach tech courses. I created tech curriculums. They attributed me to saving our network during the pandemic, because I was the only one that knew what to do. And once that happened, you get to a space where you're like, ‘Okay, what's next?’
I was in New York City. I was working in Brooklyn. Like I said, I had built that tech curriculum. I was at the school for six years, and then once the pandemic happened, and they said, "Oh, you saved us. Thank you so much." I said, "Okay, great. What's my compensation?’" There was none. So I left (laughs), and that was just one of those things. I called it my dramatic push from God, when you realize you're super talented and you're being stifled in the area that you're in.
xoN: So, you left to start your company, or you started working with different companies and then eventually created your own?
KL: No, I left and I started my own company. I didn't have a plan. I did what God told me to do. I did some radical faith. Radical like, all right. You said, quit. I'm quitting. You said, move back to Atlanta. I moved back to Atlanta. So what now?
xoN: How are you rewriting the rules as a Black woman in your space?
KL: I'm not gatekeeping. I like to sit in these conversations because I've got the personality. They think I'm cute. I'm not that intimidating, that type of thing. And I can sit down, I can hear and I can intake the information, and as soon as I get the information, I'm going right back to my people, like, ‘Hey, listen, this is how they’re getting the money. This is where you need to go.
These are the communities you need to be a part of if you're really trying to take this to the next level. I'm going to sound real hotep-y when I say this. Full transparency, I graduated from Spelman so there is that. I feel like this LLC community, it’s been something that's been pushed on us to hold us back again.
"I called it my dramatic push from God, when you realize you're super talented and you're being stifled in the area that you're in."
xoN: Tell me more.
KL: You've got everyone running around [telling people] go get your LLC. Create freedom. Do this, do that. And it's not a one step or overnight process. We're not telling individuals, okay, you can go get an LLC. That's great. That's a good start, right? But when you actually start making money, you should start looking at the different tax classifications, so you can keep some of your money. Or, maybe you don't need an LLC. You should actually try to get an investable, venture backable business.
You need a C Corp. And this is how this [is] used. They're not telling us that. That's stuff that I found out just from engaging and putting myself in other networks, right? So if I had known that at the beginning, I wouldn't have started as a small business. I would have started as a startup, which is what we are now.
For more about Kayla and RebrandLand AI, click here.
Mattie Gaffney, Abloom Healthcare

Mattie Gaffney
Courtesy
xoNecole: Why healthcare and did you always know that you would pivot into entrepreneurship?
Mattie Gaffney: I've always been an entrepreneur at heart. In 2019, my mom dropped a pot of hot greens on her foot, and she had to go into intensive care. She had third degree burns on both of her feet, and she went from ICU to intensive care. She had to undergo skin grafting. The surgeon had to remove skin from the back of her leg and graft it onto her feet so the wounds would start to heal.
I didn't like the care that was being provided when she transitioned back home. I didn't like some of the caregivers, and overall, I just didn't like the adjustments. I also didn't like how they handled the whole entire process. One day I was on the phone with one of my students who was very knowledgeable about the healthcare industry, and long story short, I was like, 'Hey, I want to get into healthcare.' She said: 'You're in Arizona, you don't need to be a nurse.' I was like, 'I don't have to be a nurse to pivot into healthcare?' She said: 'No, you just have to learn the rules, regulations, statutes, policies, procedures for your state.'
I had a father that was very ill, and we took him to the nursing home, but he didn't make it out, [and] ended up passing away. So I was like, I don't want that for my mother. I'd rather build something so that not only can I leave something behind to my children but also create generational wealth. It was also important to me to be able to help give back, and be that vessel in the community, help my mom, and provide care for her at the same time.
xoN: What has been the greatest thing about being a Black woman business owner?
MG: A lot of these nurses, they have the bedside experience, but they don't have the business experience. So a lot of them come to me, and honestly, I just feel sad that they're withering away. Yes, they're providing the service, and yes, they are taking care of our loved ones, but what about giving back to them and helping them? I feel like they're the ones that's overlooked. They do a lot of good in the community. They provide a lot of service, but they're also overworked and underpaid.
So I said to myself, it was like, 'Okay, well, how can I give back to them in such a way that can take them out of those situations, and position them for greatness to make more money, create that freedom, buy back their time, and also just help them create generational wealth as well by creating a business intangible that they can either leave to their children, and then sell it if they wanted to, and just be free.'
xoN: What do you want your legacy to be?
MG: I want my legacy to be that I exemplified Black excellence, and gave people hope. I want my legacy to be that I was positive and motivational, and that I inspired others to grow beyond their own potential and to look at life through a different lens that you can accomplish anything you want to accomplish in life, if you just believe, and if you just get started; that's the first step. [I just want to] be known for helping my nurses, my therapists, and even some of our doctors that want to transition out of being on call, on bedside in hospitals, or working in urgent care or the clinics.
I want my legacy to be that I was able to actually help them create financial freedom through creating successful healthcare businesses and position them to be able to also leave it to their children. Because generational wealth is what it's really about. Leaving legacies and being able to show them the benefits of franchising, and how to leave their mark is what I want to be known for. I want to be known as 'the girl who came and she just gave us hope, and we were able to create this multimillion-dollar empire just off of her knowledge, her wisdom, her experience.
And that's something that I plan to leave behind for my followers and the masses out there.
For more about Mattie and Abloom Healthcare, click here.
Raoini Madison Jones, 3D Girls

Raoini Madison Jones
3D Girls, Inc.
xoNecole: What made you choose nonprofit?
Raoini Madison Jones: The organization initially started as a nonprofit and we [are] now developing into a social enterprise. I chose a nonprofit simply because I was in a college classroom. My teacher challenged us to find nonprofit organizations within our community that are aligned to issues and causes that we cared about. And in that research, I found that there were not many active organizations within my service area, and that was a problem for me.
Why don't [these] organizations last long? Or, you know, they don't have funding and things of that nature. I chose the nonprofit space because it allows me to directly address the critical needs of the people in my community. But I run my organization as a business because it is.
"I chose the nonprofit space because it allows me to directly address the critical needs of the people in my community. But I run my organization as a business because it is."
xoN: Tell us a little bit more about the global program.
RMJ: Last August, we launched a pilot program in Lima, Peru. We had 50 girls to participate in the STEM program, where they used our digital platform. The Girls Link Up digital platform provides an opportunity for girls to connect across borders and they are able to engage in STEAM activities and unleash their curiosity about STEM education. There are financial literacy modules, there are coding modules. There's an introduction to career development and dorm life, so that we're building a college and career pathway and interest in those things.
So our main goal with that program was to expose the girls in Peru to our in-person, online digital platform. And what we learned is that it becomes an English language learning tool for them. As a native Spanish-speaking country, we were able to use that tool to help them to develop their skills in speaking English. So it was a really cool project. It was federally funded, and at the top of this year, we weren't able to elaborate on it in that way because of some of the shifts that we've seen in our social economic status.
So we're reimagining how we can connect with other global partners to expand our reach and reach other girls in other countries.
xoN: What would you say has been the greatest thing about being a Black woman business owner?
RMJ: I think it has been my ability to lead with an authentic voice that is really just rooted in my own living experience and deeply connected to the community. I feel like when you're at corporate or you're working for someone, you lose who you are to align to a mission. So I've been able to create and cultivate a community where Black women can work in a space that cultivates joy and self-care and that feels good. So that's the best part about it. I can be myself. I can show up, [feel] how I feel that day, and know that it's widely accepted amongst the people I work with.
As Black women, we have been historically at the forefront of social movements, given so much of ourselves within our community.
Now, as a business owner, I have the opportunity to normalize that care, to be acknowledged, to be appreciated, to be compensated for the contributions that we made to the community. I feel like it's an honor to stand on the shoulders of many women who come before me and build a business that not only serves our people, but also stands as a testament to our power and our resilience. Like, it's okay to be you. I think building that part of my business has been the greatest thing so far.
For more about Raoini and 3D Girls, Inc. click here.
Chanel Nicole Scott, CheMinistry

Chanel Nicole Scott
Guy X Photos
xoNecole: Tell me a little bit about your journey.
Chanel Nicole Scott: I'm the Chief Marketing Officer [of In The Black Network]. James DuBose is the CEO and founder of In The Black Network. But I'm also the creator of CheMinistry, a relationship platform, which is where the journey began. I got involved in relationship talk just because of my inability to sustain healthy relationships. So I wanted to have a conversation with men and women to talk about the different perspectives and have that transparent, candid dialog, just to get the different viewpoints of how to do relationships.
I did that for about seven years, and I got my first opportunity with Fox Soul to do CheMinistry as a television show. So it went from being a live event to being a television show. We did one season with Fox Soul. Then, there [were] some changes made. James DuBose was the general manager at Fox Soul, and he launched his own network. [He] invited me to come and join the cast of Crowned. This was a spin off of Cocktails with Queens. That was with Vivica Fox, Claudia Jordan, LisaRaye, and Syleena Johnson. I had been a guest on that show several times.
So he did a spin off at In The Black Network with Vivica Fox, Syleena Johnson. Initially, it started off with Kendra G and I was the fourth cast member and then L'Oreal came on later. Then around that same time I launched Relationships Matter. Relationships Matter was a podcast turned television show on In The Black, and I did that with Josh Powell. He's a retired NBA ball player with the LA Lakers, and continued my journey there on the network.
xoN: How would you say you are rewriting the rules as a Black woman in your space?
CNS: When I had the idea, I didn't know it was something that I could actually do. When I came to Atlanta, I was enamored with reality TV, and I watched all the shows. It's funny because now that I live here, I don't watch any of the shows. I would go to After Party Live! for Love & Hip Hop Atlanta. They would have After Party Live! where they would talk about what just happened on the show. I would go with one of the young ladies who was like a [seat] filler.
The first time I ever went, I saw Mona Scott-Young, and I was like, oh my god, she’s in entertainment and I'm not prepared. I don’t have my business cards, and maybe I could work for her. I had these ideas in my head of, if I just introduce myself, she'll give me an opportunity. I'll work for free, all these things, right? So I didn't say anything to her the first time because I didn't have my business cards. But the next couple times I came with business cards and she was not there.
So maybe, the fourth time I showed up and she was there. I'm like, oh my god, I'm gonna talk to her. I'm gonna see if I could do some pro bono work. I just got my MBA with a concentration in marketing, and I'm like, I could do work. I have all these amazing ideas. So I approached her, and she gave me a card to her business development person. I emailed that person, wrote a nice little email. I was like, Hey, I would love to work with you guys. Willing to work pro bono, whatever you guys need, and whatever else I said in that email, and I didn't get a response.
So after that, I was like, I'm gonna create my own platform. I don't need to work for anybody for free. I have ideas. I have dreams. I have vision. I'm going to create my own. I'm going to create my own opportunity. That way, no one can fire me because I own it, and I'm just going to develop it and create it and pour my resources into my platform. That's what I did.
So I would say, what Tyler Perry said, you don't have to sit at anybody else's table. You can create your own table, so that's what I did.
xoN: What do you want your legacy to be?
CNS: I would say somebody who is determined, persistent. When I came to Atlanta, I had nothing. I lost everything. The people who knew me prior, they know. So I want people to know if nothing more, she is the billboard for consistency. If you don't give up, you can have whatever it is that you want. You just got to stay to it and continue to do the work.
For more about Chanel and CheMinistry, click here.
*Responses were edited for clarity
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Feature image CreativeFocusPro Jayla White Davis/ courtesy
Your December 2025 Monthly Horoscopes Are All About Surrender & Alignment
December is about letting go. We end the year with the need for more peace, reflection, and rejuvenation, and that is exactly what December is providing for us. The Sun is in Sagittarius, and anything is possible. This is the month to believe in that and to know that the universe is supporting you. With a Supermoon in Gemini as we begin the month as well, we have an opportunity to gain the closure we have been looking for this year and to wrap up old projects, ideas, and communication breakthroughs.
This is the month to make your peace the priority and let go of trying to control the way the tides are turning. Trust in your new beginning, and give yourself time to prepare for it this month.
A big part of the clarity that is coming through this month is due to Neptune going direct in Pisces on December 10, after being retrograde here since July. With Neptune now direct, we are able to see our inspiration and creativity a little more clearly, providing the perfect energy for dreams and manifestation to be built upon. The smoke is clearing, and it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with this newfound clarity that this transit is bringing. Mercury also moves back into Sagittarius on December 11, which is great for communication and clarity, and the adventures you were trying to see through at the beginning of November come around for you again with greater purpose and support.
On December 15, Mars enters Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and this is the extra push we need to make important changes and to be on the path towards greater abundance, stability, and prosperity. Mars in Capricorn takes care of business, and we have extra energy at our disposal during this time to do so. This transit is an ideal time to focus on your career or financial goals for next year and to start putting some of these plans into motion now. A few days later, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be in Sagittarius on December 19, and this is the perfect New Moon to manifest.
The energy is high, magic is in the air, and it’s all about moving forward with the new beginnings that are inspiring you and bringing you joy to think about right now.
Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21, and this earth sign energy is how we heal, gain closure, and build new foundations in our world. With Venus also moving into a Capricorn a few days later, there is something about peace, prosperity, and security that we are gaining in life and in love as we close out the year, and this is what we need right now. This month is about reflecting on what was, letting go of old hurt, and renewing. December is an ending and a new beginning in one, and there is magic in this space to be created.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
With Mercury in your 2nd house of income this month, December is a good time to plant new seeds and to think about where you want to be financially a month from now or even a year. This month is asking you to think bigger and to think more long-term so that you can set the appropriate plans into motion now. We also have a New Moon in your house of income before the month ends, and this is when you will see more of your dreams come to fruition in this area of your life, and have more opportunities to build. Overall, December will be teaching you a lot, Scorpio.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
You're Over Him. Should You Wait Until After The Holidays To Say It?
When a client told me that she was seriously considering ending her relationship of 10 months before Christmas, I wasn’t surprised. That’s not a sneak diss on what she has going on with her man or anything; it’s just that I know that the holiday season (the month of December, more specifically) is a very popular time for folks to call things off. Between the pressure of bringing people around family and the urge to start off the new year with a clean slate — yeah, it makes sense.
At the same time, though, I do think that there is something to be said for ending things well — and when it comes to a break-up? During this time of the year? Before you make that official move, I just want to make sure that you’ve thought a few things through.
Things like what exactly? So glad that you asked.
How Serious Is the Relationship?
GiphyOkay, so if you’ve never heard of the “10-date rule” before, it’s basically the belief that after 10 consecutive dates with someone, it’s time to come to the conclusion that you are officially in a relationship with them. Personally, I have lived, observed and counseled enough people to say that when it comes to knowing where you stand with another person, you shouldn’t assume one damn thing — you should 1000 percent communicate your thoughts and listen to theirs in return.
That said, it is a bit different (wouldn’t you say?) if you’ve been out on a couple of dates with someone vs. if you’ve been with them for almost a year. So yeah, the first thing to ponder is how serious the dynamic is. Because honestly, if things are new and fairly casual, I don’t see how ending things, whether it’s the holiday season or not, is going to matter much — one way or another.
Remember, the holidays tend to be a very emotional time; however, if there isn’t a huge emotional investment going on, I don’t think anyone in a casual situation is going to look back and think that you are a villain (or Grinch), just because you’d prefer not to go on a third date with them. Good lord.
Next point.
Do You Want to Slow Down or End Things Entirely?
GiphyAre you totally over him or is it more like there are some things about the situation that you want to step back and ponder before making any major decisions about the future? If the answer is “B,” I recommend talking it over ASAP; especially if the two of you have been seeing each other for a while at this point. I say this because, whether you all are at the “meet the family” (or have already met the family) stage or not, when people are in a relationship, they tend to factor one another into their holiday plans — and it’s hella inconsiderate to not take this into account when it comes to the guy who you are seeing.
That said, I will say this: It’s mighty interesting that you are choosing this time of the year for this type of relational self-reflection — so, while you’re on this break, think about what it symbolizes.
For instance, are you slowing things down right now because you’re not sure if you want to go into a new year with him or are you doing it because spending the holidays together tends to represent that a relationship is far deeper than you want yours to be right now? Because really, you could’ve gone with the summertime (for example) not the holiday season to make this type of move…so, if your “pump the brakes” time is now, chances are, there is some subconscious subtext going on that you really should get to the root of.
Actual Holidays Are a DEFINITE No-No
GiphyYou would think that this wouldn’t need to be said yet since I once experienced a guy who decided to be a complete a*shole on my birthday some years back — yeah, let’s address it. Isn’t it interesting that one study revealed that during the first week of December, searches for how to break-up with someone go up by a whopping 60 percent? Then, if you add to that the fact that the holidays can sometimes be pretty stressful — well, while most folks with a heart and a conscience wouldn’t dream of breaking up with someone on an actual holiday, sometimes the pressure of everything can create the perfect storm for it to happen anyway.
That said, a super-duper throwback song by Neil Sedaka entitled, “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” — and it absolutely is. Know what makes it worse: It happening on a holiday, so that every time the day rolls around, it’s bittersweet because you remember that someone broke up with you then.
Listen, just because you may not love or even like someone (in that way) anymore, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t treat them with some common decency and respect. Besides, don’t you also want your own Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day to be as unscathed and drama-less as possible?
Whatever you’re gonna do, you’re grown, chile. If you want my advice, though — put good energy into your future holiday seasons and avoid breaking up (or even having deep decisions) on actual holidays.
Definitely Keep the Golden Rule in Mind
GiphyProbably, until the end of time, there are going to be debates about whether karma is real (in the sense of it being scientifically proven). While quite a bit of data says that it isn’t and that it tends to be adapted and promoted by certain faiths more than anything — if you do believe that you reap what you sow (Galatians 6:7-8), at the end of the day, that is pretty much what karma is all about and, as I oftentimes say, karma (or sowing and reaping) don’t have expiration dates. In other words, what you have said and done can manifest in ways and at times that you never saw coming. A cautionary tale, indeed.
So yeah — even if you’ve been with ole’ boy for a while now, you’ve tried to make it work and you just don’t see a future for the two of you anymore, however you decide to end it, definitely keep the golden rule of doing unto others as you would want them to do unto you in mind.
Be as kind as you are honest. Be as empathetic (putting yourself in his shoes) as much as you possibly can. Avoid gaslighting him about how he feels about your decision. Be clear about how you’d like things to be moving forward (for instance, if you actually DON’T want to be friends afterwards, there’s no need to say it). And try not to do anything that will make him feel used — like waiting until after receiving a Christmas gift to end it (you’d be amazed by how many people do exactly that. SMDH).
The thing about break-ups is, live long enough, and you’re probably going to be on the giving and receiving end of one. So, even if you’re not really emotionally invested in your relationship anymore, be kind to your future self and be as respectful as possible throughout your…relational transition. Because even if you don’t feel like he deserves it, your feelings up the road, with someone else who may do the same thing to you…absolutely do.
Timing Is Everything
GiphyA bishop by the name of Fulton J. Sheen once said, “Patience is power. Patience is not an absence of action; rather it is ‘timing’ it waits on the right time to act, for the right principles and in the right way.” And while it might seem really challenging to figure out when the RIGHT time to break up with someone is — “right” is about using good judgment, right is about conforming to certain principles (like integrity and fairness), right is about doing things in order. Now with that in mind, is the RIGHT TIMING now or should it be later?
Only you can really answer that yet what I will say is if your mind, body and spirit aren’t on the same page — figure out why before making any moves. Oh, and if it’s simply about fear — girl, whether it’s November 30, December 9 or January 14…break-ups are always going to be uncomfortable. It’s about knowing what’s best for you and then ending things in a way that is as respectful, timing-wise, as possible (again, due to the whole karma thing).
____
‘Tis the season and sometimes “out with the old” means leaving a relationship behind. Just make sure that you move with wisdom and discernment and not hypersensitivity and knee-jerking.
That way, you can look back on every holiday season with as little regret as possible.
Due to how you handled things. Including a (potential) break-up.
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