There's a spiritual sistah (that's what I call someone I like but we're not exactly friends) who, whenever we see each other, we talk about how much of a bullet that I dodged that she didn't. Without getting into too much detail (because you never really know who reads internet copy, do you?), there are a few times when I got mad cool with someone while they were dating a relative of someone I was seeing. Well, in this case, I broke up with my boyfriend while "she" ended up marrying one of his relatives.
Her husband? He's another article for another time (chile…CHILE). But what she and I can both vouch for is a part of the reason why he is so, let's go with the word "challenging" is, in a nutshell, his family is cray-cray (meaning toxic). So are some of the other people in his world. So yeah, in many ways, not marrying his relative was such a blessing. If for no other reason than dodging all of the constant familial drama.
My spiritual sistah is not alone, though. A good friend of mine—one who is totally in love with her husband—tells me, in the form of a warning, at least once a week to really investigate a man's family before jumping the broom with him. Long story short, her husband has such an unhealthy relationship with his mother that it can be really difficult to tell who is the top priority in his life (for the record, it's supposed to be his wife).
As a marriage life coach, I'd hate for you to put a ring on your finger and then wonder what kind of Twilight Zone you are in all due to your hubby's other relationships; ones that you didn't pay nearly enough attention to before marrying him. So, before even contemplating saying "I do", take out a moment—or two or 10—to see what his connections are like with the following 10 dynamics. I can assure that you'll be close to floored by how much the pre-work could spare you so much regret on the back-end.
His Relationship with His Mom
There are some sayings that seem to stick, even if they aren't the best kind of advice to take. Take "How a man treats his mama is how he'll treat you", for example. In theory, that should be accurate but listen, I have counseled more than my fair share of couples who are at their wit's end all because the husband puts his mom before his wife (emotionally, financially and otherwise). I also know some single men who are so "devoted" to their moms (which typically means that their moms are also either manipulative or controlling) that they have no clue how to have a healthy (or lasting) relationship with another woman.
So no. I wouldn't say that just because a man adores his mom that you'll automatically be treated like royalty. My personal opinion is to watch more than if he treats her well. Also pay attention to if there are established boundaries, mutual respect, if she loves him like a son while treating him like her man and if he can make decisions without always needing her input or agreement. If that is the case, mom did a pretty good job of preparing him for a wife. If not…at the very least, push pause. A long hard pause.
His Relationship with His Dad
I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I am not the one who co-signs on single mothers who say, "I am the mother and the father" to their kids. You may be a supermom, but you were not created to be your child's father—that's their father's job. That said, I remember once hearing that a man is his child's first understanding of God in the sense that the Bible describes God as our Father (Matthew 6:9). I like that because the Most High is presented as someone who loves us, provides for us and protects us.
Where am I going with this? I know some very phenomenal men who have emotional and commitment issues out of the wazoo; it starts with the fact that they didn't have a relationship with their dad. As a result, they learned the hard (or wrong) way about how to be a man and/or how to treat a woman.
I'll be the first to say that just because someone had both of their parents in their life, that doesn't mean they had the best example of adulthood or intimacy. At the same time, what I will also say is it's important to put just as much effort into learning about a man's relationship with his father as his mother. A man by the name of Frank A. Clark once said, "A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be." A man has to be around—and then active as a parent—in order for that to happen.
His Relationship with His Siblings
There's something very special and endearing about the relationship people have with their brothers and sisters. That is, if the relationship is healthy. The reason why this is something you should pay close attention to is that some people allow their older siblings to come really close to controlling their life, while other people want to spend darn near every hour of every waking day with one or more of their siblings. Then there are the siblings who are uber nosey or the siblings who feel like your partner should have more allegiance to them than to you. Oh, and let's not forget the families where, there is so much dysfunction among siblings that, if your man doesn't know how to say "back up" or "no", all you're gonna do is bring a boatload of stress into your life if you choose to marry him.
A lot of people know that it's a good idea to not ignore the relationship their partner has with their parents. But don't underestimate the drama that can come from someone who has an unhealthy relationship with their siblings as well.
His Relationship with His Best Friend
Another unpopular opinion? I'm not big on married people referring to someone other than their spouse as their "best friend". It's because I'm big on words and if you're choosing to share your life, heart and body with someone for the rest of your life, they definitely should be your friend and I'd think that would put them into the best spot being that best means "of the highest quality, excellence, or standing" and "most advantageous, suitable, or desirable". That doesn't mean that your former besties aren't still special. I just think that they become good/close friends after you say "I do".
Whether you agree with me or not, still here's a word of caution. Watch how close a man you're dating is with their BFF before marrying him. Just like a man's parents, sometimes besties hold more weight and influence than they should and if, for some reason, they are not very fond of you, that can wreak all kinds of havoc.
The first example that comes to mind right here is LeToya Luckett's "Back to Life" video. If you've never seen it, LeToya's man (in the video) has a female best friend who not-so-low-key has feelings for him. It ultimately breaks LeToya and her boyfriend up.
A good best friend wants their best friend to find love. They will make necessary adjustments in order for that to happen. Make sure that when it comes to your man and his BFF—whether it's male or female—that that is exactly what's happening between the two of them.
His Relationship with His Female Friends
Personally, I think it's healthy for married people to not only have friends, but friends of the opposite sex. Getting another person who is the same gender as your spouse's perspective on things can be super beneficial and even time-consuming. The key is to make sure that the female friends "in question" respect your relationship, have no romantic history (or that it's resolved romantic history that you are fully aware of and OK with) and that you have access to them in some form or fashion.
If everything is on the up and up, even if you and your man's female friends aren't exactly buddies while you're dating, you will know who they are, they'll make you feel comfortable in your presence and they will have no problem interacting with you, when he's around and when he's not.
If you're already seeing flags in these areas, he needs to handle it. These are not the kinds of things that will automatically go away once he is your husband and you are his wife.
His Relationship with His Pastor
I'll be the first one to say that just because someone goes to church, that doesn't mean they have the healthiest relationship with God or just because someone doesn't, that doesn't mean they and the Lord aren't in a good place. If you read online news (cough, cough), you'll see PLENTY of examples of churches and leaders in them who could stand some therapy and time in the pews rather than in the pulpit.
So, when I say that you should pay attention to your man's relationship with this pastor (or worship head if he's not a Christian), by no means am I saying that he has to have one. What I am saying is, if he does, pay attention to how he speaks about the leadership. Is he receptive? Does he humble himself to messages that personally apply? Or does it seem like he's bucking the pastor and his church at every turn? The flip side to this coin is does he respect this pastor or does he treat him like an idol? Does he refer to him in certain situations or does he not know how to make a decision without his pastor's input? Does he worship at a certain church or does he basically live there?
With the first set of questions that I asked, it could show signs of your man having a really hard time dealing with authoritative figures. And yeah, be leery of anyone who always wants to lead but can never seem to be led. With the second, your man may not know that having a relationship with God doesn't mean that you have to put your all and everything into a church (especially ahead of your own family). Either way, you're in for quite the bumpy ride of you underestimate all of what I just shared.
His Relationship with His Exes
Why is this one on the list? In part, because of an article that was featured on our site a couple of years ago—"Why Staying Friends with an Ex Is Okay (& Healthy)". I know some people who are still friends with one or more of their exes, so I'm not knocking it. So long as the past remains in the past, do your thing.
Now, I will say that the word "friend" is a big one to me, so I don't give a ton of folks—male or female—that title. And, because of the sacredness of it, I'm not really out here trying to be friends with someone who's seen me naked and heard me have an orgasm. Intimacy was once shared and most of my exes are still as fine as when I left them; therefore, firm boundaries must be set. Still, I do strive to remain at peace and to be able to hug them if I see them in the mall (only two get the death stare these days). We're cool.
But no matter what side of the fence you're on about keeping exes in your life, I do think it's worth mentioning that you should pay attention to (and ask questions when and where needed) your man's relationship with his ex(es). Are they close or just social media connected? Does he plan on them coming to his wedding someday? Why did he break up with her/them and are there still some unresolved feelings?
I'll be real with y'all. I think a part of the reason why I'm still single is because I had some heart pieces that certain exes still had a hold of. It's working at a disadvantage (and that's putting it lightly) to enter into something serious with someone who is still unresolved, on any level, with one or more of their exes. Don't assume. Discuss it.
His Relationship with His Co-Workers
Years ago, I went to someone premarital classes for singles at a local church. The requirement was that you couldn't be in a relationship in order to attend them because they wanted us to look at relationships without romanticizing them based on the situation we were currently in. Anyway, a lot of what was shared was straight up common sense concepts like, "If a man doesn't show up to work on time, why would you expect him to come home on time?" (I'm sayin'.)
Unless your man works at home, he's probably dealing with an office full of people during most of his waking hours. Does he respect his employer by being responsible? Does he get along well with his co-workers? (Has he ever dated any of his co-workers?) Does he take pride in his work? Shoot, does he enjoy his profession? Don't underestimate how a man's professional life rolls over into his personal life. If he's consistently dissatisfied during business hours, it's pretty unrealistic to expect him to soar when he's off of the clock.
His Relationship with His Enemies
There's a Catholic writer from back in the day by the name of G.K. Chesterton who said something that is oh so true—"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people." Sometimes the people we love the most get on our last nerve; sometimes, at the same time.
That's not the kind of "enemy" I'm referring to. What I'm saying is pay attention to what he says about people he's had big issues with. Does he hold grudges? Is he vindictive or even just plain ole' petty (you might be surprised by how many men are; I personally know more than a few)? Does he tend to take the violent approach? Maybe he suppresses and then explodes on everyone around him, but who he's actually mad at.
Just like you can tell a lot about a man by how he treats the people he likes, you can tell a ton about that same man based on if he's able to forgive, release matters and be chill (have boundaries but still be chill) in an enemy's presence.
If you sleep on this particular point, you might end up being caught totally off guard if he falls out with one of your family members or, God forbid, the two of you end things. Just sayin'.
His Relationship with Himself
A while back, I penned a post on the site entitled "6 Signs You Love A Man (Who Doesn't Love Himself)". If I could print it off and send it to every single woman (who desires to be in a relationship with a man), I would. I'll be the first to say that I know some pretty amazing men who would be HORRIBLE HUSBANDS (and yes, I am yelling that!); it's all because they are not in touch enough with themselves to be out here trying to lead and protect another human being.
The article I backlinked touches on how to know if a man doesn't love himself. Signs that a man does love himself include the fact that he's open and honest; he practices self-forgiveness; he's not afraid to ask for what it is he wants—personally or professionally; he makes his spiritual growth and development a top priority; he understands the power and purpose of intimacy—both inside and outside of the bedroom; he doesn't tolerate toxicity within himself or others; he has lasting friendships; he knows how to be alone (and enjoy it); he's not afraid of love; he's confident without being arrogant; he embraces life—you get the gist.
It all boils down to this—I don't care how wonderful a man appears to be. Before you jump a broom with him, make sure that he loves his God and himself and that he makes a concerted effort to cultivate lasting intimacy with both on a daily basis. Because a man is not even close to being marriage material with you until he is healthy and happy within himself and with his Creator. You can take that to the bank, baby.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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