15 Pre-Sex Rituals That Could Make Sex A LOT More Pleasurable
Let’s dive right in. When you know that you’re about to get some, what do you do prior to it, in order to prepare? If some of y’all are looking at your screen and shrugging your shoulders, I mean, if “nothing” has been working for you this long, I guess all that I can say is, “Do you, sis.” If the rest of you are like, “I mean, I take a shower” (good) and sometimes dress up (cool), this might be something that you’ll want to check out. Because what I am about to share are 15 things that you can do, pre-sex, that could actually make sex even better for you and your partner. Because while I know that the saying is that the devil is in the details, I tend to think that mind-blowing orgasms are. Real talk.
1. Hand-Wash Your Delicates
Gain (the detergent) and I have an interesting relationship. I like the price. I like the smell. It cleans well. However, when it comes to my undies, it can irritate my va-jay-jay like no other. It’s in “honor” of my love/hate relationship with it that my first recommendation for pre-sex rituals is that you handwash the lingerie that you play on wearing because there is nothing worse than itching during sex or a couple of days after, all because your detergent was too harsh on your “gentle parts.” By the way, if you want to learn how to make your own detergent (especially if you have really sensitive skin), there are some recipes and instructions here, here, and here.
2. Apply Some Waterproof Mascara and Sweet Almond Oil to Your Eyelids
A full face of make-up during sex seems like a lot (to me). I do think that there is something to be said for putting on a couple of coats of mascara and a little bit of sweet almond oil on your eyelids, though. Mascara is dope because it has a way of opening up your eyes and making them appear sexy and seductive. The oil is cool because it can make your eyes look alluring (almost like you have eyeshadow on but…don’t). Just make sure that your mascara is waterproof. The last thing you want to be doing is squinting hard because it’s running into your eyes and irritating them.
3. Exfoliate Your Lips
Last year, I wrote an article for the site entitled, “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?”. Everybody’s grown and definitely to each their own, yet I personally can’t imagine having sex — especially great sex — without A LOT of kissing going down. And who wants to do that on rough, chapped lips? That’s why I think that another important sex ritual is to exfoliate them ahead of time. You can do it with your toothbrush, you can rub some brown sugar on them (while they are wet) or you can make an exfoliant. Homemade for Elle is a site that features 13 different recipes right here.
4. Drink Some Fruit Juice
No matter what you’ve got planned for the evening, I’m pretty sure your mouth is going to be involved on some level (wink). That’s why it needs to be properly hydrated. Water will certainly do the job. Personally, I recommend fruit juice (even if it’s half water/half fruit juice) because it will add some flavor to your mouth. Speaking of mouths, I once read that something a particular woman does as a part of her own pre-sex ritual is to massage her jaws beforehand. Again, everyone is grown, so I’m pretty sure you get why. Anyway, I think that’s a wise tip, right there. Definitely worth considering.
5. Put Some Shea Butter on Your Nipples
The reason why I wrote “So, What If ‘Typical Erogenous Zones’ Annoy TF Outta You?” for the site is because, while I personally am sitting at a whopping 36H, interestingly enough, my nipples aren’t even in the top five of erogenous zones for me. And yet, not one of my past sex partners avoided treating them like a trip to Six Flags. Since anybody’s spit can dry out skin, it’s a good idea to “lube up” your nipples with some shea butter. Because there is nothing worse than dry and/or itchy nipples following a sexcapade. Trust me.
6. Dab a Little Essential Oil Down Below
When a male friend and I were discussing cunnilingus one day, he said that what irritates him isn’t the taste of a woman’s vagina but the fact that she will put “smell goods” on every other part of her body but where his face is going to be for (if she’s lucky) 10-15 minutes (LOL). Good point, sir. That said, don’t forget to put some of your (or his) favorite perfume on your inner thighs and on your buttocks. As far as smell goods go, I personally would recommend essential oils (check out “8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last”). It has multiple health benefits, it tends to last longer and the blend of pumpkin and lavender oils has the great reputation of increasing blood flow to a man’s shaft by as much as 40 percent (you’re welcome).
7. Pumice Your Feet
Do y’all remember when Taylor Swift once said that shaving cream is basically soap, so she doesn’t see the need to actually wash her legs? Then she added to that that she doesn’t wash her feet either? Chile. The way that Black Twitter damn near had a heart attack about that leads me to believe that I don’t have to emphasize how important it is to do both, whether you’re planning on having sex or not. What I will say, though, is if it’s been over a week since you’ve had a pedicure, make sure that you pumice your feet; especially your heels. Afterplay is something that’s really important when it comes to sex. No one really wants to cuddle up to rough ass feet, though. Straight up.
8. Tug on Your “Hairs”
OK, so what am I talking about? What do you think that I’m talking about? Hair is constantly shedding, even in the pubic region and so most of us have gotten a couple of those in our mouth at some point or another.
While it’s perfectly normal, that doesn’t mean there aren’t things that can be done to avoid it too. One is to make sure that you gently “tug” on your pubic hairs (especially the ones that are covering your inner lips, just to see if any loose ones come out. It might be something that you’ve never considered before but it’s worth the extra couple of minutes of effort.
9. "Seal" Your Skin
Soft silky skin is a must if you want to have a wonderful night. One of the best ways to achieve that is by “sealing your skin” while you’re in the shower. All that means is after you do your final rinse and before you get out to towel yourself dry, you apply some type of carrier oil to help to “lock in” the moisture that the water provided. Coconut, avocado, grapeseed, jojoba, or sweet almond oil are all great at getting the job done. I’d avoid olive oil, though; it has a slight stench to it.
10. “Scent Up” Your Bedding
The same perfume or essential oil that you used on your thighs and butt is the same that you should put on your bedding. Aside from rolling around on really comfortable sheets, there is nothing like the lure of ones that have an enticing scent to them. Some scents to consider include jasmine, vanilla, rose, sandalwood, and cinnamon.
11. Pull Your Hair Back
Listen, I don’t know what kinda sex y’all be having but I don’t see the point in my hair being all in my face the entire time. While there is nothing like a good hair tug, as you can see from the feature pic in the article “Contrary To Popular Assumption, Black Women LOVE Getting Their Hair Pulled During Sex,” a ponytail can get that accomplished. Just something to think about.
12. Pee and Then Use a Perineal Bottle on Your Vulva
Even when I watch movies where a couple is about to get it in and one of them stops and says they have to pee, a part of me turns up my nose when they just come out and immediately simulate oral sex because toilet paper doesn’t always get rid of all of the urine. Let’s be real.
That’s why, even though it is a good idea to pee before sex (you should do so before and after because it flushes bacteria out of your urethra), it’s a good idea to follow that up with a quick lil’ “flush” via a perineal bottle. It’s basically the kind of bottle that a lot of new moms use after giving birth in order to soothe their vulva and vagina with water. Typically, they aren’t very hard to find. Many drugstores carry them.
13. Put Some Sex Condiments by Your Bed
One time, in a land far away, I went on a date with a guy at a restaurant that doesn’t exist anymore (The Cooker). They used to have something called The Cooker Pie that was, whew lawd. Anyway, if you ordered it to go, you would get the toppings for it in little containers. Some of them included caramel, fudge, and whipped cream. When we went back to my hotel room, right before I hovered (some of y’all will catch that later), I put some of those toppings on my vulva. “OH MY!” he said. It was hilarious — and amazing if you know what I mean. While I do agree with an ex of mine who once said that if you have to rely on condiments to make your food taste good, you didn’t prepare it right, I am totally for sex condiments — because clean skin tastes great. With a little bit of honey or frosting, though? Even better (check out “12 ‘Sex Condiments’ That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”).
14. Turn Down Your Thermostat
In the article, “So, Guess How Long (Many) Women Want Sex To Last?”, I shared that, according to some research, it would appear that many of us want sex to be around 13.41 minutes. Whether that makes perfect sense to you, you’d prefer to add an hour of foreplay to it, or you like to go more than a couple of rounds, each and every time, it never hurts to turn that thermostat down. You know, I’ve got a friend who says that while she thoroughly enjoys sex with her husband, he literally sweats buckets which can be annoying as all get out. If you can relate, a “hack” around that is to make sure your thermostat is no higher than 65-68 degrees. At least until y’all get the job done.
15. Get Mindful
At the end of the day, being mindful is simply about being fully present (orgasmic meditation is something that can help to make this happen, by the way). You know, I recently read a study that said that when married couples remain in the moment and are intentionally non-judgmental towards their partners, it helps them to have more consistent orgasms. Present with your partner. Loving on them without judgment. I can’t think of a better way to end this pre-sex ritual tips article, can you? Yeah, me neither. Have fun! #wink
Featured image by Giphy
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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