Because I write so much about sex, there are never a lack of random questions that pop into my mind. One that I was wondering semi-recently is if there's a particular time of the day when men and women are hornier than others. Chile, when you decide to go digging for information, you'll be amazed what you'll find.
So, let's get into it. While horniness can come and go at any time of the day or night, you might be surprised to know that there is a (very) specific time when a lot of us want it more than usual. Read the article. Process it. Hop in the comments. More than anything, test the theory out. Because I don't know about you, but to me, sex is always good — having it when I'm especially horny, though, definitely takes everything up several notches, though.
What Does It Mean to Be “Horny”, Anyway?
OK. We're all big girls here, so of course, I know that you have a general idea of what it means to be horny — it's when you have a desire for some sort of sexual interaction. However, when I checked out The Cut's article entitled, "What Kind of Horny Are You?", interestingly enough, it addressed different types of horniness (including the kind of horny that simply wants a mild level of gratification and the kind of horny that's related to being overstimulated by things like caffeine or even anxiety). So, I decided to do a bit more digging on the topic.
From an overall health standpoint, all kinds of things can make us, well, horny. Eating certain foods. Smelling certain scents. Ovulation time in our cycle (yes, we were designed to want sex more when it's most probable that we will get pregnant). Seeing someone who turns us on. Alcohol. Weed. Pregnancy (due to our hormones shifting all over the place). A high libido (this happens for some people naturally; for others, it's due to things like exercise or a higher level of testosterone). Sometimes an argument can make you horny because of the adrenaline rush that comes from it (umm, make-up sex, anyone?). Even having to pee (because urine puts pressure on your bladder which can, in turn, put pressure on your genital region) can trigger feelings of horniness (a lot of women are huge fans of having sex when they feel like they've got to urinate; they say it intensifies the sensation of their orgasms).
Although there are a few other causes, for the most part, these 10 are the main reasons why you can go from being cool to suddenly wanting to get you some — quick, fast and in a hurry.
The reason why I thought it was important to share all of this is because, as you can clearly see, horniness doesn't "just happen". For the most part, there is always some sort of catalyst. And the reason why that is a relevant point is because, although I'm about to share with you the time of day when we find ourselves wanting to experience some sort of sexual stimuli the most, it's clear that other things can help to influence that desire too.
Whew. With all of that out of the way, just when are we the most interested in being sexually aroused? Good question.
When Are Women and Men Horniest? Why Does It Matter?
A few years ago, I wrote an article for the site that mentioned that a good time of the day for couples to engage in sexual activity is right around 3 p.m. Why? Well, apparently that is when our cortisol levels are elevated (which gives us more energy) and a man's estrogen levels are at their peak (which makes them want to bond with us more). It's kind of a trip how this all plays out because the online sex store Lovehoneyonce conducted a study (one that consisted of 2,300 individuals) which revealed that, while 3 p.m. may be a fair compromise, women actually prefer to have sex at — not sure where the exactness came from — 11:21 p.m. Yep. Most of us are apparently night owls on the copulation tip.
Why is that exactly? A lot of us are less stressed at night than during the daytime. Many of us feel willing to have sex when we're cuddled up with our partner. Some of us feel less self-conscious about our bodies when it's dark. Some of us wake up with too much on our minds in the morning to even really think about having morning sex.
Understood. Still, this is where it gets kinda interesting (if not straight-up challenging). When it comes to when men are their horniest, guess what time of day that is (also, it's pretty specific)? 7:54 a.m. Why? The main reason is because men experience a natural surge of testosterone in the early morning hours (which is the main reason why a lot of them also experience morning wood), so if you've got a partner who is constantly nudging you in the wee hours of the morning, there is literally something (internally within him) to that.
So, just what does all of this mean? That if he's not down at 11:21 p.m. or you're not interested at 7:54 a.m. that you're both gonna miss out on some really great sex? Well, let me first share something else that came up in the survey. While 11 p.m. is preferred, our peak horny window is between 11 p.m.-2 a.m. while a man's is somewhere between 6 a.m.-9 a.m. which leaves a little bit of wiggle room, right? Still, with 70 percent of the people who participated in the survey vouching for the fact that ending up with a partner who isn't on the same "horniness page" can make having sex when they really, really want to a challenge, I thought it would be a good idea to share a few tips on how to get in sexual sync, even if it can't be when your bodies naturally would most prefer each other to be.
How Do You Get in Sync with Him When It Comes to Arousal?
So, what if the reality is that you and your partner couldn't be on more different sex timetables? What is the workaround?
Go to bed together at the same time. This particular point especially applies if you are married or living with your partner. You know, I recently read that currently 1 in 4 couples are sleeping in separate beds and that it tends to affect the entire household (USA Today did an article on it; you can read it here). No time to get all super deep into that now. What I will say is if you and your partner are intentional about going to bed together, at least 2-3 times a week, at the same time, that makes it easier to pillow talk, cuddle up and maybe get a little nookie in during the midnight hour. Right around the time when a lot of us apparently like "it" most. #wink
Give some morning sex a shot. Whenever a married couple comes to me and says that they are in a sex slump, something that I will oftentimes recommend is that they engage in sex, every day, for a month straight (check out "Married Folks: Ever Wonder If Your Sex Life Is 'Normal'?"). While sometimes they are skeptical at first (and I'm gonna be real, more times than not, the eye rolls come from the wife), about 90 percent of them are on cloud nine after trying it.
This is the same way that I feel about morning sex. Even if the thought of waking up at 6 a.m., just for that, seems far less appealing than catching a few extra zzz's, morning sex can help to make you feel closer to your partner, to get and keep you calmer and make it easier to focus throughout the day. So again, even if late at night is your preference, it can never hurt to try that time of the day that a lot of men are all hype about. If you stay open — no pun intended — you could end up liking it a heck of a lot more than you initially thought that you would/could.
Remember that there's more than one way to skin an, umm, cat. OK. Let's go back to the 11:21 p.m. and 7:54 a.m. thing. Even if you and/or yours are not in the mood for an all-out romp session, if one of you is horny around that time, who said that some manual stimulation, oral sex or a quickie can't be on the menu? I don't know about y'all but when I'm horny (and was having sex), mostly what I want is a release of some sort. Yes, intercourse is bomb yet if I can get one off, some kind of way, I'm still usually pretty good. Don't even act like I'm alone in that, chile.
Be flexible on the weekends. Staying up late at night or getting up early in the morning might not be quite as feasible on the weekdays as it is on the weekends. Even if you've got an action-packed one planned or kids running all throughout the house, setting aside an hour for you and yours to try 11 p.m. or 7 a.m. will probably be less stressful than when you've got work, school, etc. on your schedule. Let the kids watch TV and have a bowl of cereal. They can wait until you're…done.
Don't overthink it all. More than anything, this article was simply providing you with some food for thought. If after reading the times provided, you find yourself giving major pushback because that is definitely not you and/or your partner's personal experience, it's all good. One of the first rules of sex is to do what works best for you and yours, right? Bottom line, there's no need to put any pressure on yourself. Just make sure to pay attention to your urges and do what you can to get them met. Because being horny is fine — so long as something can be "done about it" as soon as possible. Feel me? (I figured you would.) #wink
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This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
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Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
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He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
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If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
I don’t expect some unattainable fairytale of a husband; we all have our own flaws and conflict is inevitable, but after dating for two decades, through failure and success, I’ve realized that the person I ultimately marry must mirror the values I exert into the world. He must reciprocate kindness, patience, and respect. He must be quick to listen and slow to respond. He needs to be forgiving and trustworthy, practice healthy communication, and be a man of his word at the bare minimum.
If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
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