Aight, so I’m thinking that a lot of you have played the game of Gossip at some point. If not, it’s when one person will come up with something to tell the individual who is sitting next to them, and then that person will repeat what was said to the individual who is next to them, and the cycle repeats itself until it gets back to the original person. The goal is for the first individual to hear back what they said verbatim.
Oftentimes, though, whether it was because people weren’t paying close attention or their objective was to jack the message up altogether, things don’t play out that way, and the first person gets back a message that sounds totally different than what came out of their mouth at the beginning.
Y’all, as you’re about to see in just a second, as “triggering” as it might be for some of you to hear (or read for yourselves once you revisit certain Scriptures in order to fact-check), a lot of what we’ve been taught about dating, courtship and marriage (a piece like this on marriage itself we’ll have to do at another time), as far as what the Bible actually says, has been like one long game of Gossip. Certain things have been altered, romanticized, or flat-out manipulated and then “rinse and repeated” for so long that folks state the alterations as (pardon the pun) gospel — when they shouldn’t be, especially if you want to apply Scripture, as it’s taught, to your own relational situations.
The last line in the Message Version of Luke 6:26 simply says, “Your task is to be true, not popular." And so, in spite of what the popular takes on dating may be in pulpits all over the world, let’s look into what it appears that the actual biblical truth is.
Could be quite a ride for some of y’all. Sit tight.
1. Relationship Can Come Before Purpose
GiphyAnyone who has heard me speak on the Bible before knows that my absolute favorite part of it is the Garden of Eden. It’s the only place where perfection is documented, and so, to me, that translates that we should still strive to live our life the way that it’s mentioned in the first two chapters of the Good Book. And when it comes to dating, if you pay very close attention, although both men and women were made in the image of the Godhead (Genesis 1:26-28), Adam came first (Genesis 2:7) — and if you read the story, just as it was told, Adam had a relationship with God and a purpose assigned by God BEFORE the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 3:20) came into the picture.
This is why I don’t get all of the pressure that folks in college (for example) put on themselves when it comes to serious relationships and marriage. The time when many folks are hyper-focused on figuring out what their purpose is is when they are completing their formal education, and since a big part of “finding the one” is figuring out who complements your purpose most and best, purpose should come above all else. Know what else? You shouldn’t choose someone who tries to get you to abandon your purpose since your purpose is literally the reason why you’re here, to begin with (because that is exactly what “purpose” means).
So yeah, if you want to date the biblical way, a man who is aligned with his Creator and also knows his purpose in life should be the top things on your agenda. If those things are lacking, prepare yourself to automatically do some…struggling. Unnecessarily so. That said, if a man is consumed with getting right with God and knowing what his purpose is, don’t be, as the church mothers put it, a “stumbling block,” move out of the way. Make sure you and your own Creator are aligned and that you are walking in your purpose, too. Do that and I promise that your plate will be plenty full.
2. Men Are Hunters
GiphyI actually think I’ve touched on this one before; however, because it irks me to no end to hear folks say that “men are hunters” when it comes to dating, let me just say that ADAM WAS A GARDENER, NOT A HUNTER — and yes, I am yelling it! What in a woman says she wants to see herself as some man’s prey when it comes to relationships? Nothing. Instead, it makes a lot more sense that Adam, in the state of perfection, was a gardener because gardeners cultivate things, and cultivate means “to refine,” “to promote the growth or improvement of,” “to seek the friendship of” and “to devote oneself to.” When it comes to what a husband should do for a wife, doesn’t that make a whole lot more sense?
Besides, some biblical hunters who immediately come to my mind are Cain (who killed his brother — Genesis 4) and Esau (who was jealous of his brother — Genesis 25), and what about them, as husbands, sounds especially comforting? Besides, one more time: if a man hunted you, he can make having you in his life be all about him.
However, if he allows God to BRING YOU TO HIM (like God did for Adam in Genesis 2:22), then he has no choice but to see you as a gift from the Most High (remember, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above…” — James 1:17[NKJV]) which humbles him enough to treat you as a manifestation of God’s love instead of something that he acquired on his own.
Yeah, y’all can keep those hunting men. For me, I want a gardener. Full stop.
3. You Should Pray for Your Own “Boaz”
GiphyIf there is one thing that really gets on my nerves, it’s when people treat God like he’s Santa Claus or act like there is a formulaic prayer they can say that will suddenly make Him do whatever they want. An example of this that immediately comes to mind is when Ciara married Russel Wilson; it seemed like, for a year straight, all we heard as women wanting to know what she prayed in order to bring him into her life. C’mon people, God does not work that way. As it says in Psalm 33:15(NKJV), “He fashions their hearts individually; He considers all their works.” This means that each person has their own customized life walk and love story — this includes Ciara and a biblical character who gets treated a lot like Ciara: Ruth.
“I’m just waiting on my Boaz.” Why? Boaz is a man from thousands of years ago and somebody else’s husband. Not only that, but by the way, a lot of y’all talk about how you want to be dated/courted; you don’t want Ruth’s story anyway. Read the Book of Ruth just as it was written. With Naomi’s instruction (Ruth 3), Ruth made the first move. Ruth pursued that man (similar to how Esther pursued King Xerses). And if folks would get Disney out of their minds, it wasn’t exactly the love story that gets told. Remember that Ruth was a Moabite (Ruth 1:4) and Boaz was Hebrew.
When she went to see him in the middle of the night (by the way, one of my favorite books says that the actual Hebrew translation says that she went to his thighs, not his feet — check out The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules) and he made it his mission to find the closest relative who was eligible to marry her, a part of the motive was to protect her. Back then, a Moabite (because marrying Boaz “redeemed her” more than merely following Naomi back to her hometown — Ruth 1:16-17) coming onto a Hebrew warranted stoning; he was protecting her more than it was some beautiful love affair.
One more thing: according to the Midrash (which is a highly respected Jewish commentary on divine Scripture; remember, the first language of the Bible is Hebrew), Boaz actually died on his and Ruth’s wedding night sometime after their marriage was consummated (clearly because she later birthed Obed, their son — Ruth 4:17).
Okay, so some of y’all are out here saying that you want a much older man, who you have to work pretty hard to get his attention, who you then have to take great risks to pursue, who you then have to wait while he sees if another man wants to marry you before he proposes, and who then dies before you can go on your honeymoon, leaving you to raise a baby with the help of your mother-in-law from your other husband who died as well. Do you really?
Church folks are good for saying that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) and then will say, repeatedly, things that are common without really pondering and processing if they know the weight of what comes with it. No woman needs to wait on “her Boaz.” Trust God to lead you into your own love story — however, that turns out.
4. Finding (Automatically) Means Pursuing
GiphyFor all of you consistent churchgoers, when it comes to dating and courtship, what would you consider to be the anchor verse that is used the most often? If you said, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22 — NKJV), I think that I would have to agree with you. Yet, it always tickles me how much focus is put on the word “find” more than “wife” (there sure is a lot of talk about what men need to bring to the table when if you need to be a wife before marriage, there are some serious qualities that you need to bring to the table too, sis — check out “Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?”).
Find. I already mentioned that in the state of perfection, Adam was asleep (unconscious) when God made the Woman and then BROUGHT HER to Adam. Brought is the past tense of bring and bring means “to cause to occur or exist; to cause to come into a particular position, state, or effect; to cause to come to or toward oneself; attract." If God brought the Woman, there was no “finding” to be done. Not only that, but "find" means a whole lot of things — not just “pursue.”
Find: to come upon by chance; meet with; to locate, attain, or obtain by search or effort [which is basically to pursue]; to locate or recover (something lost or misplaced); to discover or perceive after consideration; to gain or regain the use of; to ascertain by study or calculation; to feel or perceive; to become aware of, or discover (oneself), as being in a condition or location
Do you see all of those definitions? Like I say often, I can be looking for a missing tube of lip gloss and find five dollars. I didn’t pursue the “five;” I discovered it. So yeah, everyone who puts extra emphasis on “find” whenever they quote Proverbs 18:22 could stand to open up a dictionary and see that it’s a very vast word. The biggest takeaway here is to allow your steps to be ordered (Proverbs 37:23) and to be wife quality so that whether you meet your husband by chance (find), he pursues you (find), you regain each other (after some time has passed which also means “find”) — whatever the case may be, you’re ready.
5. Women Are the Prize (Uh-Oh)
GiphyIf there is one relationship-based debate that I really wish would wind itself up — quick, fast, and in a super-duper hurry, it’s if the man or woman is the prize (insert all sorts of eye rolls here). For one thing, prize literally means “anything striven for, worth striving for, or much valued” and value means “relative worth, merit, or importance.” That said, why in the world should anyone want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see them as something of great value or wouldn’t want to treat their partner as something of great value? What kind of sense does that make?
Besides, even though Scripture says that a helpmate (which is what women were created for men to be — Genesis 2:18) is a lifesaver for a man (because the Hebrew word for helpmate is ezer kenegdo) and that is pretty amazing, a husband ain’t no slouch either. In fact, check it:
“When they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].” (I Peter 3:2 — AMPC)
According to Scripture, the man who vows to the Lord (Ecclesiastes 5:1-7) to be your provider and protector for the rest of your life, he should be highly respected (Ephesians 5:33) and seen as a PRIZE. I really don’t get what else needs to be said about this one — so I’ll just move right along.
6. God Will Give You Whatever You Desire
GiphySomething else that church folks like to do: edit Scripture. Don’t believe me? What part of this verse do you tend to hear the most?
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” — Psalm 37:4 (NKJV)
C’mon — we all know that it’s the part that comes after the comma that folks literally beat to death. And in the context of this article, many women will proudly and boldly be on some, if I want a (pardon correlation here) “6-6-6 man” (check out “Okay, So Here's What You Need To Know About the '6-6-6' Man”), surely God will bring him to me because it’s what my heart desires.
Yeah…NAW. Again, if we’re doing strictly Scripture here, no believer should be out here professing that they follow their heart because Jeremiah 17:9-10 says that the heart is deceitful. Makes sense, too, because a definition of "heart" is “center of emotions,” and feelings can be quite fickle, which means that you can want one thing one day and something else the next, and God? He’s not erratic and unstable like that. Plus, Psalm 37 says that delighting in the Lord is what should come before your desires, and doing that consists of finding joy and pleasure in Him so that — please catch this part — His wants for you become your wants as well because that’s how much you trust Him.
Not to mention the fact that James 4:2-3(NKJV) says, “Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures.” "Amiss" means “out of the right or proper course, order, or condition; improperly; wrongly; astray,” so no, you don’t get whatever (or whomever) you want “just because.” If what you desire is out of order or it’s going to lead you astray, according to Scripture, merely asking (or automatically expecting) is not what will cause God to grant it to you — because it goes against his will for you.
Yeah…I said that this was gonna hurt a bit. It’s Scriptural, though — and the truth shall set you free (John 8:31-32). Let me close out with one more.
BONUS: There Are No Boyfriends and Girlfriends in the Bible
Know why I can’t find a Scripture for what she said? It’s because there are no boyfriend/girlfriend dynamics in the Bible. NOT. A. ONE. You’re single (check out “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'”), betrothed (engaged), married, divorced (and that’s rare in the Bible), or widowed. That’s it (the same goes with filing taxes; there’s no “dating” box to check).
And that’s why I say often that the way our culture dates teaches people how to divorce, NOT marry because giving your all to multiple people only for it to not work out tends to either numb or jade you to the point that when you do actually get married, you don’t see relationship as much more than a dating dynamic and so you treat divorce like it’s nothing more than a break-up — even though Scripture absolutely does not look at it through that casual type of lens (Malachi 2:16, Matthew 19:1-12, I Corinthians 7:10-11).
So, how do I think folks go from single to engaged and then married? I know people who were friends, close friends, who were also low-key attracted to one another. When both were ready for marriage, they had conversations about what merging lives would look like. They got engaged, and then they jumped the broom. Relatively smooth transitions with no drama and a big part of it is because they BOTH were ready for marriage, and their lives complemented one another. Bottom line, acting married when you’re not “programs” you to not treat marriage as sacred and special (which may be while your chances for divorce increase if you live together prior to saying “I do” — and that’s just how it’s designed to be seen.
____
This was a lot. Believe me, I know. And I definitely encourage you to do some deep diving on the points that may have made you “feel some type of way.” Really, if I had a bottom line for all of this — study the Bible for yourself, look deeper into the Scriptures that you think you already know, and don’t apply a one-size-fits-all to love stories.
God is bigger than that. The Bible is bigger than that. Your love story is bigger than that.
Let the Church say…AMEN.
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A big part of the clarity that is coming through this month is due to Neptune going direct in Pisces on December 10, after being retrograde here since July. With Neptune now direct, we are able to see our inspiration and creativity a little more clearly, providing the perfect energy for dreams and manifestation to be built upon. The smoke is clearing, and it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with this newfound clarity that this transit is bringing. Mercury also moves back into Sagittarius on December 11, which is great for communication and clarity, and the adventures you were trying to see through at the beginning of November come around for you again with greater purpose and support.
On December 15, Mars enters Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and this is the extra push we need to make important changes and to be on the path towards greater abundance, stability, and prosperity. Mars in Capricorn takes care of business, and we have extra energy at our disposal during this time to do so. This transit is an ideal time to focus on your career or financial goals for next year and to start putting some of these plans into motion now. A few days later, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be in Sagittarius on December 19, and this is the perfect New Moon to manifest.
The energy is high, magic is in the air, and it’s all about moving forward with the new beginnings that are inspiring you and bringing you joy to think about right now.
Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21, and this earth sign energy is how we heal, gain closure, and build new foundations in our world. With Venus also moving into a Capricorn a few days later, there is something about peace, prosperity, and security that we are gaining in life and in love as we close out the year, and this is what we need right now. This month is about reflecting on what was, letting go of old hurt, and renewing. December is an ending and a new beginning in one, and there is magic in this space to be created.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
With Mercury in your 2nd house of income this month, December is a good time to plant new seeds and to think about where you want to be financially a month from now or even a year. This month is asking you to think bigger and to think more long-term so that you can set the appropriate plans into motion now. We also have a New Moon in your house of income before the month ends, and this is when you will see more of your dreams come to fruition in this area of your life, and have more opportunities to build. Overall, December will be teaching you a lot, Scorpio.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
Oh, but there are plenty of people whose egos have them thinking that they can read someone else’s mind. Then there are others who have fantasies, which create unrealistic expectations that others in their lives actually should read their mind. And you know what — both of these things can cause unnecessary stress, drama, and trauma, if folks aren’t careful.
And that’s why I think it’s important that we unpack this a bit more. Because if you’re someone who thinks that if another person truly cares for you, they should be able to read your mind, it’s time to let that ridiculous yet semi-popular notion absolutely and completely go.
Here’s why.
It’s Scientifically Impossible for Someone to Read Your Mind
There are a couple of reasons why I am starting this off with R&B singer Avant. For one thing, I don’t think that he gets nearly enough flowers and secondly, clearly, this is a more-than-fitting song for today’s topic, wouldn’t you say? Because, lawd, there really is something that makes some of us feel all warm ‘n fuzzy about the mere thought of a man telling us that he is so in tuned with us that he can basically read our mind.
Hmph. Problem with that is, as I said in the intro, it is scientifically impossible (for us and for AI to do, praise the Lord!). And yet the fact that so many individuals think that they defy scientific data and research is oftentimes why there are so many breakdowns in communication — because if you run on assumption (that you can read someone’s mind) without clarification and confirmation, you can create issues that didn’t exist before you decided to fall for your own mind-reading theories.
Now to be fair, while science is still trying to figure out why we can’t read minds, what is sure is that we do have the capability to perceive the thoughts and actions of others if we’re willing to pay really close attention. However, do keep in mind that reading and perceiving are different. Reading? It’s about being able "to apprehend or interpret the meaning of" and "to anticipate, expect, or calculate by observation." Perceiving? It’s all about “to become aware of, know, or identify by means of the senses” and “to recognize, discern, envision, or understand.”
And already, do you see the differences? So much certainty comes with reading while perceiving is about humbling oneself (bookmark that) to not try to know everything but instead to try and understand what is transpiring. And since no one person (or their mind) is ever truly static, that is a huge part of the reason why believing that you can read someone’s mind — no matter how close you may be to them — is futile. You can change your mind on a dime. Others can do the same. Learning to perceive what is going on instead of assuming that you can “read” folks is far more beneficial.
Besides, you might be surprised by a particular demo who thinks that if you are truly who they need you to be, you will read their minds — and boy, once you know who they are, that may cure you of the whole “read your mind” ish…quick, fast and in a hurry.
The Expectation Is Oftentimes Rooted in Egomania
GiphyWhile doing a bit of research on this topic, I thought it was interesting that a particular type of person kept coming up. Can you guess which one? A NARCISSIST. What I kept noticing is a telling sign of a narcissistic individual is they expect others to read their mind.
I must admit that I was caught off guard by that at first because narcissists and their damn egos are so out of control (bookmark that) that it would seem like they would be more focused on acting like they know the thoughts of other people. Here’s the thing, though — the reason why narcissists want others to read their mind is because they want you to do things like guess what they want and need before they ask — and they want that to happen because they believe that they are so damn special that you should put in the extra blood, sweat and tears to figure it all out. Hmph. Now that tracks.
Another reason why narcissists want you to be able to read their mind is so they can manipulate and deflect. Meaning, if you say and do things based on what you thought they wanted you to, should everything crash and burn, they can dodge accountability and blame you for it. Hmm, does reading someone’s mind seem romantic and beautiful now? SMDH.
And again, all of this is tied to ego because, at the end of the day, mind-reading is a form of control and narcissists are definitely very controlling people. And honestly, mind-reading is as well because why do you even want to know someone’s private thoughts before they share them and, at the same time, why would you want someone to have that kind of power in your life either? “Eww” is what immediately comes to my mind. “Yuck” is what follows.
So, why is it that so many people think that it’s a good thing to have someone read their mind — I mean, the ones who don’t show narcissistic tendencies, that is? Good question.
5 Reasons Why Some People Wish Someone Would/Could Read Their Mind
GiphyOkay, so ego and pridefulness aside, what would be some other reasons why people think that it’s such a wonderful thing if someone who they are in some sort of intimate relationship with can read their mind.
1. They are caught up in Disney and rom-coms. One day, I am going to do an article on all of the ways that Disney and rom-coms have destroyed the reality of relationships. For now, I’ll just say that the scripted tales of both have caused a lot of people to think that if someone loves them, they should be able to read their mind. Nooo…if someone loves you, they should care to know what is on your mind. And that brings me to the second point.
2. They aren’t as good at communicating as they think. Are you a good communicator? One way to know if you are is you’re able to clearly articulate your wants and needs — because really, if you are able to do that, why should anyone even need to read your mind? Feel me? Let’s move on.
3. They want someone else to work harder at their relationships than they do. I say it in my sessions often — it’s beyond crazy to think that someone should work harder at figuring out what your wants, needs and expectations are than you are willing to express them. Hmph. It makes me think of a friend of mine who says that “should” is a dangerous word. What she means by that is saying that someone should do or not do something simply because YOU THINK that’s how it “should” go is a surefire way to stay disappointed and even be disillusioned. No, your man shouldn’t just know what you want every year for your birthday. Did you state it? If not, why aren’t you playing fair? Who has time for all of the guessing games and then getting penalized if they guess wrong? Stop it.
4. They think it’s the sign of a healthy relationship (it isn’t). Anyone who knows me knows that I am always and forever going to be Team Healthy over Team Happy and my reason why never changes. Only children expect to live in a world where they are happy all of the time — and yes, there are a lot of childish people out here. People who want their mind read? They tend to live in happy land. Meanwhile, a healthy relationship knows that clear communication, mutual respect, keen listening, patience and understanding that humans make mistakes are foundational to its success.
5. They are lazy. And yes y’all, some people want others to read their mind because they are lazy and it really is just as simple as that. Thing is, while they are being passive aggressive, dropping hints or giving the silent treatment so that you can figure out whatever it is that they…want you to figure out, that tends to take more effort than simply speaking up. Ridiculous, chile.
How to Let the Myth Go
GiphyGee, after reading all of this, suddenly reading minds just seems like a lot of silliness with a sprinkle of drama and potential trauma, doesn’t it? And it’s all because some people choose to treat something that is a myth like it’s a bona fide fact. SMDH.
And what if you happen to be one of those individuals? How do you break free? COMMUNICATE. Openly, clearly and maturely share what’s on your mind and heart because, the true tell of a solid relationship isn’t that someone can read your mind; it’s that they can retain what you’ve already stated.
Less reading. More perceiving. That’s the secret sauce.
And when you accept this for what it is, you will realize that it’s far better for you, your partner and your relationship to stop expecting the impossible and to accept what is actual: that learning your partner, as they strive to do the same thing with you, is better than you both assuming that you know what…maybe you do, maybe you don’t.
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Author Frank Sonnenberg once said, “People can’t hear what you don’t say. Thinking isn’t communicating” — and I think this is a perfect place to bring all of this to a close.
Find the kind of relationship(s) where intention is so strong that mind-reading isn’t even desired.
At the end of the day, it really is as simple as that.
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