

It's no secret that for the past few years most of us were dying to get a glimpse of Ciara's prayer. In the wake of the disastrous dating scene, we desperately needed answers, sis. It was evident that God had done it for her, delivered her from Future unto Russell, and we wanted in on the secret. So when Summer Walker released her album and blessed us with Ciara's prayer, it quickly stirred up a frenzy. I went on Instagram and within the hour, at least 20 women I followed had posted it on their Instagram Stories. Let's not even talk about the running commentary ranging from, "I will recite this prayer daily" to "I am going to have it tattooed on me."
While this is commendable that we finally realize that our love lives need Jesus, I felt we were missing the point. That same evening during my quiet prayer time God said to me, "What you need is Russell's prayer in order to see the whole picture." You see we are so accustomed to thinking that women are the only ones that give God their requests for a partner, specifications and all. We forget that just as God is protective of his Queens, he is just as loving and protective over his Kings. God loves his daughters, but if at any point God felt Ciara was not ready to receive Russell, then she was going to have to wait and the opposite scenario would be true.
Both Ciara and Russell had to have a conducive environment within themselves individually and around them in order to envision, manifest and nurture this relationship we now admire. Once I got this, God was like, "I'm not done yet, just so you know the power to deliver what Ciara asked for wasn't vested in what she said. It wasn't her choice of words, her diction, that got the spirit moving." Well, OK so what was it? Stay with me, sis. The following analysis will tell you what you need to know.
Instead of worrying about what Ciara said, our focus should be on what she did to prepare herself for what she had asked for.
Many of us have been where Ciara was, right at the end of ourselves, in pain and in dire need of a breakthrough. It's not enough to decide we want better, we have to do the prep work in order to receive better. Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." Please note what is found is a wife, not a girlfriend that can one day be a wife, not a woman who is ready to settle -- a wife! That means you are whole, healed, and secure prior to being found.
Earlier on in March this year, Russell was on Ciara's Level Up Radio on Apple talking about he long had a crush on her way before they met. Russell has been vocal on how he once told someone after watching Ciara's video that he would one day end up with her, yet it was a while before they eventually met at a basketball game in 2015 and started dating shortly after.
They both had preparatory work to do and they were each other's answered prayer.
I feel there is a great misconception that Ciara's prayer (or the woman's prayer) is sent out and God then drags Russell to come along your way. As a matter of principle, at some point, we have had our own version of this prayer. What differentiates Ciara's prayer is that her actions complemented her prayer. She did not recite the prayer and wait for Russell under another man. She did not recite the prayer and check in with God every second business day if any of the eligible men in her peripheral were "the one." What are you doing while you wait?
Are you waiting like we do for online orders? We place an order today and as soon as confirmation comes through, we start tracking. Are you waiting by the door throwing tantrums at the delivery guy for not having that specific package you desperately want? Some of us are missing the work God is doing in other areas of our lives because we become transfixed on that one void in our life.
You are currently living in the realm of an answered prayer from your past. Have you thanked him for that which you already have?
You finally fixed your credit, you finally paid off that student loan, you finally paid off that car note, you finally graduated, you are finally healing, debt-free, you finally got past the childhood trauma, you finally traveled abroad. All of that pales in comparison to your need for companionship?
Ciara's prayer speaks volumes of gratitude. She speaks on being thankful that God hears her pleas, thankful that he hasn't judged her harshly. She is grateful for her son, acknowledging that he is a gift from God. She surrenders her pain but trusts that even the pain holds a valuable lesson for her.
However, what is most profound to me about this prayer is the apparent rapport between God and Ciara.
She attests to the character of God and speaks of his attributes. I don't need to know Ciara personally to confirm this, her words display it. She starts off by saying, "I don't fully understand everything right now, but I know you have great plans for me."
Why yes Cici, for in John 13:7 Jesus says, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." Jeremiah 29:11 (a personal favorite of mine) says, "But the plans I have for you are to prosper you and not to fail you, to give you a future (pun intended) and a hope."
The very act of committing her pain to God tells me she is aware that he is her foundation and her source, but for everything, not just a source for the relationship she is hoping for. Some of us don't realize God has been paying our bills, uplifting our careers, opening doors, and setting our pathways straight. You cannot suddenly relinquish control in one area without allowing access to everything else. Being knowledgeable on the character of God is what distinguishes Ciara's prayer. She knew the abilities of the one she was calling upon.
Ciara knew not only was he able but he was willing to help her navigate through this pain into the relationship she needed.
Please note she didn't ask God to take the pain away, she didn't want to miss the lesson. She didn't ask for God to bring a partner that would heal her or complete her. Furthermore, when it came down to the man she wanted, she wasn't vague about it. Again, she referenced what God himself says about love, what God says about her. It doesn't matter how many times you recite this prayer word for word verbatim, it doesn't matter how desperate you are if you do not yet have a personal relationship with the one you are praying to. Do you know him, do you know what he says about love but most importantly what he says about you?
Ciara really ought to have made a disclaimer that goes like this and is in fine print too, "Here is the prayer but results are sold separately."
Also worth noting she was honest in her surrender to God. She says, "I need you to restore my faith in love, give me strength." Her faith in love had been shaken but she knew God could revive it. In the end, having submitted her pain, confusion, and requests, she ends by stating that she is ready.
All she was asking God to dress her man in, she would have to reciprocate. She would have to compliment the type of man she was asking for. God also wants to shelter his sons. Are you ready for what you are pleading for?
Some of us are not ready but we keep barking for Russell. You don't only become ready by declaring you're ready. Some of us haven't grasped the lessons we need to from our past relationships, some of us don't see what we already have, some of us don't know the God Ciara is speaking to here--the one who heals, the one who is able, the one who restores and the one who delivers.
But the worst is, we won't receive Russell if we idolize relationships. We are pursuing the hashtag baecation more than we are pursuing God. Shanice Lawrence worded this beautifully in her tweet, she said, "Make sure you want God more than you want a man OR ELSE that man will be your god. Desiring the blessing more than the relationship with God is how idols are created." I could not agree more.
So to reiterate, the power of Ciara's prayer lies not in her words, the power lies in the one she was praying to, the relationship they have, and the knowledge she had on who God is. Find out for yourself who he is. Psalm 34:8 says, "Taste and see that the Lord is good, blessed is the one who takes refuge in him."
I will stay on the lookout for Russell's prayer but while we wait, wait in gratitude, wait in prayer, go to the source and let him fine-tune you for what is to come.
Stay blessed.
Featured image by Rich Fury/Getty Images
Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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Sometimes I get asked the same question, often enough, that I’m like, “It’s time to address this on a larger platform,” — and for, whatever the reason, as of late, folks have been asking me what different sex acts mean.
No, not from the perspective of positions or techniques. What they’ve basically wanted to know is if making love, having sex, and f-cking are simply different words to describe the same thing or if there truly is something deeper with each one.
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
Back when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
A few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
And finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
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One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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