

10 Hacks To Give You More Quality Time. With Yourself.
Oftentimes, when I’m having conversations with clients and the topic of love languages comes up, something that I typically stress is it’s hard for you to expect your spouse to fluently speak your love language to you when you don’t even do that for yourself. For instance, my top love language is words of affirmation. What do I look like, out here expecting those around me to verbally affirm me, if I’m being self-deprecating in the process? It’s kind of another message for another time but far too many people are expecting their partner to basically break their necks to speak their love language and it’s basically because they want them to overcompensate for where they lack in being loving to themselves. Ouch and amen.
When it comes to quality time, specifically, let’s change that today. Whether your top love language happens to be quality time (giving someone undivided attention for a period of time) or you just know that you don’t prioritize “you time” nearly enough, here are 10 hacks that can help you to love on yourself, in this manner, just a little bit more. Because you absolutely deserve it. Simple as that.
1. Meditate for 15 Minutes Every Morning
Whenever I hear “super churchy” folks refer to meditating as something that is New Age, I’m instantly like, “So, y’all must not read the Bible as much as you profess to.” One reason why I say that is because King David was quite a fan of meditation. For instance, Psalm 4:4(NKJV) says, “Be angry and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah.” I get why too because meditating is good for everything from reducing stress and controlling anxiety to promoting self-awareness and inspiring empathy and kindness to others.
That’s why, no matter how packed your days might be, it’s definitely important to begin your day with at least 15 minutes of meditation. It’s one of the absolute most effective ways to spend some much-needed quality time with yourself. (If you need a little help getting into the swing of things, check out “7 Meditation Hacks (For People Who Can't Seem To Do It)”.)
2. Resist the Urge to “Edit” Your Daily To-Do List
“Overwhelmed” is a word that I hear more and more people use to describe how they feel on a consistent basis. Personally, I think that one of the main things that cause this to happen is the fact that we constantly find ourselves feeling discouraged, due to a lack of feeling as if we’ve accomplished anything, and it’s because we keep adding things to our to-do list if we have a list at all. So, with that being said, if you’re not a big list person, start becoming one and try and put no more than 5-7 things on your list on a daily basis. When those items are checked off, pat yourself on the back and LEAVE THE DAY BE (yes, I am yelling that!), so that you can have a little bit of time for yourself.
Listen, life is a trip and it’s always going to come with more stuff for you to do. A part of what it means to set boundaries is to say “no” — not just to people but oftentimes to plans as well. There are always going to be 24 hours in a day. Refuse to cram so much in that you can’t set aside at least one of those hours for yourself.
3. Take 10-Minute Breaks for Every 50 Minutes of Work
If you actually try it, this is a great work hack that can give you roughly 80 minutes of “you time” every eight-hour workday. Although you may work the kind of gig where you get two 15-minute breaks and an hour lunch break, that doesn’t mean that you can’t fit in some 10-minute breaks every hour too. Taking 10 minutes to listen to a couple of your favorite songs (or some ASMR of ocean waves or rain), journal a few thoughts, or just to inhale and exhale a bit can revive you, much like a cat nap can.
Now, based on the kind of boss that you have, you might need to be super discreet when it comes to this particular point; still, if you are, you definitely should be able to pull it off. Try it and then circle back to let us all know how it went in the comments, OK? I think you might be pleasantly surprised.
4. Actually Take Your Lunch Break
Speaking of lunch breaks, the law requires that your job give you one, so you should require, to yourself, that you take it. I don’t mean eating an energy bar while you’re still sitting at your desk to “finish something up real quick” either. Also, if you work at home, and it’s very easy to go 10-12 hours without stepping away from your computer, you REALLY need to take heed to what I am saying.
Aside from the fact that taking your lunch is yet another way to spend a little bit of quality time with yourself (especially if you go to a location where you can be alone; if you work from home, at least go into your kitchen, bedroom or on your porch for a change of scenery), experts say that eating a full lunch can give your body an energy boost, help your brain to become more productive, reduce irritability, decrease stress levels and help you to get through your day so much easier. A lot of y’all don’t take your lunch and you can feel it. Make doing it super essential and watch how much better your life becomes.
5. Refuse to Take Calls on Your Drive Home (and Go the Long Way Home)
My goddaughter’s mom hosts an Apple radio show. Aside from writing, a lot of you already know that I counsel married couples. Sometimes, we are TALKED OUT, yet we’ll still try to get a convo in while running errands in order to get some “girl time” in. I’m pretty sure that a lot of you also take this approach with some of your own peeps, but if you already know that once you get home, time is not going to be yours again, try and avoid hopping on the phone during your commute home. Use that time instead to listen to a podcast or audiobook or — here’s a novel idea — ride in silence (trust me, silence can be good). Oh, and if you want to get a little more time in, use your GPS system to look at what a longer route home would be. Sometimes, even just 10 more minutes alone in your car can make all the difference in the world, chile.
6. Write Down Five Things You Love About Yourself at the End of Every Week
Here’s a twist on the quality time approach. Unfortunately (and I really do mean that), 8 times out of 10, whenever I ask someone to share five things that they like about themselves and five things that they don’t, they can always rattle the “cons” right off while the “pros” seem to be a struggle. Listen, a part of the benefit of spending some quality time with yourself is so that you can remind yourself of your own value. One way to do that is to not let one single week pass you by without jotting down five things that happened, within that same week, that you are proud of.
It could be getting to work on time every day, not snapping on your co-worker, or saving money on takeout by cooking — whatever. This is a wise quality time practice because the more you get into the habit of clapping for yourself, the easier it will be to cultivate self-confidence and inner stability. Try it this week. See what I mean.
7. Make Bath Time a Total Experience
I don’t expect most of y’all to remember the old-school Calgon commercials. The gist is that, after a long hard day, a woman would “lose herself” in a bubble bath that was filled with Calgon products. You know, something else that I am is a doula and if there’s one thing that many moms tell me that they miss about pre-kids (and shoot, sometimes even pre-marriage) life is being able to use the bathroom in complete and total peace. No matter what your lifestyle may consist of, please don’t get caught into the habit — which is more like a rut — of only seeing showering (check out “How To Turn Your Showers Into A Tranquil DIY Spa”) and bathing (check out “How About You Treat Yourself To A Luxurious Fall-Themed Bath?” and “Make 'National Bathtub Party Day' Your Favorite Day Of The Year”) from a purely functional standpoint. Creating an oasis, each and every time you’re in there, can help to relax you, rejuvenate you and center you. It’s not a luxury; it’s an absolute necessity.
8. Go to Bed 30-45 Minutes Earlier
Before you try and give me a million reasons why this sounds close to impossible, hear me out. Some research reveals that most people spend roughly around 145 minutes on some type of social media app a day. So, is it that you can’t get into bed earlier, or is it just that you need to manage your time more wisely? And what should you get into bed earlier for? To decompress. To read a chapter of a book. To rub your feet down with some lavender or CBD oil. To sip on a cup of tea. Shoot — to just CHILL.
When people are in a long-term relationship and share a home together, I recommend doing this, so that they can get some pillow talk (and maybe some sex) in. When you’re single, it’s so you can relax and just be. Listen, if you can figure out how to spend an hour scrolling on Instagram, you can find 30 minutes to start at the ceiling and deep breathe at night. I promise you that.
9. Use Your Personal Days
The reason why I put this down towards the bottom of this article is, I can’t tell you how many times folks have told me that they can’t remember the last time they’ve taken a vacation, let alone had a day off. Yeah, this is what personal days can be used for. Although you might be “programmed” into thinking that they are for doctor’s visits or family emergencies, the keyword to pay attention to is “personal” — meaning, it’s NOBODY’S BUSINESS (yep, I’m yelling that too) what you are using them for.
Waiting until holidays or summertime until you can take some time off is pretty stressful to even think about. So is always using personal days to do business-related stuff. It really is OK to use one of your days to just lie around and do absolutely nothing. You don’t need an excuse to spend time alone with yourself so…don’t make any.
10. Date Yourself
I mean, maybe it’s the ambivert in me but whenever folks look at me crazy when I say that I actually prefer to eat and go to movies alone (most times), I tend to return the same facial expression because — how in the world can you not dig taking yourself out on dates? Like, what in the world? Especially if you are a single person, if there are two things you shouldn’t put off, it’s taking yourself to places you want to go and dating yourself the way you want to be dated. Even though going with a boo can be dope, there is still compromise that is involved. Going out alone means that you can do whatever, whenever, however without anyone’s cosign.
And when you “set the bar” by spending time with yourself in this kind of way, you start to get — and I mean REALLY get — how much of a privilege it is to let others join in with you. It’s the best kind of quality time. Feel me? Go on a couple of dates alone and, in no time, I bet that you will.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: KJ Smith Talks Viral Wedding With Skyh Black: ‘We Did What We Wanted To Do’
Whether it was your group chat, social media feed, or your favorite media outlet covering the spectacle, I’m pretty sure you’ve come across the viral Black wedding between actress KJ Smith (Sistas, Raising Kanan) and actor Skyh Black (All the Queen’s Men, Sistas). From their grand entrance to Jay-Z, Kayne West, and Beyoncé’s song “Lift Off” to KJ’s standout dance routine and the endless celebrity appearances, it’s an addictive TikTok scroll you can’t help but delve into.
But what many people would be surprised to know is that the couple’s original wedding plan was nothing like what it grew to be. What started as her simply scrolling through posts to get ideas eventually transformed into what the internet knows now as #TheBlackExperience. In an exclusive conversation with xoNecole, KJ walked us through her planning process, the morning of her wedding, and what she thinks of the online response.
Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
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Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Aoki Lee Simmons Recalls Being Talked About For Her Looks As A Child & Where She Stands With Her Dad
It's hard to grow up underneath the harsh light and the scrutiny of the public eye. Add a supermodel mogul mom, a media mogul dad, reality TV shows, and Baby Phat runway shows to the mix, and you'll have a taste of what it was like for Aoki Lee Simmons growing up in the limelight. All that glitters isn't gold, and personal challenges don't discriminate against tax brackets.
Earlier this year, Aoki made headlines alongside her mom, Kimora Lee Simmons, as they publicly revealed what they had been going through privately as a family. Amid Russell Simmons' rape and sexual misconduct allegations, he is also estranged from the family, which all came to a head following a public dispute about Father's Day. Aoki supported her mother's claims that Russell had allegedly threatened their lives and also posted a recording of a video call between the two where he could be seen yelling at Aoki. She also told the public how damaging their conversations and relationship had become for her mental health.
Aoki would eventually stand by her truth in the days that followed, posting to her Instagram account, "Until a short time ago, this is the man who told me 'always defend and look after your mother girls' and 'never let a man curse at you, you call daddy if a man ever tries to yell at you or scare you that's never ok! Real men don't shout at women and girls." She added, "So to all the toxic men in my comments using 'I'm defending him' to be foul and talk about all the grievances you have with women, you can save it. It's pathetic. He would agree I know that for sure."
Despite navigating troubling times as a family, Aoki had an incredible year so far in terms of achievements. Alongside her part-time pursuit of modeling, she was able to graduate from Harvard University with a double major. At 20 years old at the time, she stands in history as one of the youngest Black women to accomplish such a win. One of her latest career moments can be found on the September cover of Teen Vogue.
The now-21-year-old spoke candidly about reading online about her looks as a kid, the advantages of being a "nepo baby," and where she stands on what happened with her dad.
Aoki on her looks being scrutinized and critiqued at a young age:
“At the time, I was reading a lot of crazy stuff: 'Poor her, she got the dad genes.' There were literally articles like, ‘Celebrity Kid Gone Wrong’ — and I was like, ‘Okay, I’m 11.’"
On benefitting from being a nepo baby:
“It’s totally true. I had no idea if I’d do modeling without my family, without their name helping me. I sometimes think when I look at shows or shoots — if I had done it, and it was that bad, and I was not me, would I get another shot? Would I have had the chance to develop the way that I have?”
“All you can do is be grateful and try to stay in your lane a bit."
Aoki on having no regrets about exposing her fractured relationship with her dad online:
“I don’t regret it. Part of it was already out there. There were reasons I thought it was reasonable to publish, because it was playing out in, like, a silent bubble.”
To read the cover story in full, head over toTeen Vogue.
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Featured image by Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images for NYFW: The Shows