

Vaginas Are Like Plants. Here's What I Mean By That.
A couple of years ago, while in a session with a married couple, the husband was sharing that he wished that his wife was more comfortable with having sex during daytime hours. When I asked her to break down her hesitation, she said, “It’s weird. When it’s dark, he can get me to do just about anything, but in the light, I’m just not that confident.” When I inquired if she meant when it came to her body, she said, “No, it’s more like my vagina. Beyond washing it and getting pap smears, I don’t really know what’s going on down there. I’m a bit self-conscious.”
Honestly, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a woman say something along those lines. It’s like, aside from peeing, periods, and intercourse, too many of us don’t give our vaginas very much thought at all — and that’s not good.
The solution? It’s in the title of this article. For years now, my motto has been to treat my vagina like a plant and watch how it flourishes. If that kinda-sorta makes sense to you in theory, yet you’d like me to break it all down just a bit more — sure. I’d be more than happy to, sis.
Water It
Getty Images
Most of us learned in, what, elementary school that over 60 percent of our body is made up of water. And even though I am well aware of this fact, I will be the first to say that water (drinking it, that is) is not my favorite thing on the planet. I always describe it as “wet air” — just boring ass fluid.
Yet, isn’t it interesting that, just like plants need water in order for seeds to germinate and leaves to stay alive, our vaginas need water to 1) create natural lubrication so that sex is more comfortable; 2) to help to flush toxins out of it, and 3) to keep cervical mucus in great condition so that it’s easier to conceive a child.
And just how much water does “she” need in order to keep all of this going strong? Although most of us grew up hearing eight glasses a day, many studies are now saying that somewhere between 4-6 will get the job done. And what if you’re like me and you’re not a fan of H2O? Barely flavored sparkling water (like Bubly or Waterloo) with some fresh lemon or lime juice or even one-third of juice mixed in can make consuming agua so much easier to do. Your vagina will thank you. The rest of your body will too.
Feed It
Getty Images
A big mistake that a lot of novice plant owners make is assuming that, so long as they water their plants and put them in a window to get some sun, it's all good. Nope. There are certain nutrients that plants need as well, so if you've got one and it seems to be struggling a bit, you might want to give it some nitrogen (to create chlorophyll), some magnesium (it helps with the whole photosynthesis process) and some potassium (to keep any plant-related diseases at bay). As far as your vagina goes, it needs to "eat well," too. To see a list of things that you should consume, check out "The Foods Your Vagina's Been Craving."
As far as the ones that you should be avoiding, "Here's What Your Vagina Wishes You Would Eat LESS Of" has you covered. For now, I'll just say that berries are your vagina's friend because the acid in them will help to keep infections like urinary tract infections (UTIs) from becoming an issue; plus, they are great at decreasing your chances of experiencing a yeast infection as well.
“Prune” It
Getty Images
One day, I really need to pen something for the platform about how it's important to do pruning in one's life on a consistent basis in order to flourish. For now, when it comes to the tree, shrub, flower, and plant world, pruning is all about getting rid of diseased and damaged foliage that hinders greenery from thriving.
When it comes to your vagina, I'm actually thinking about pubic hair on this one. Even though pubic hair has trends, and there are still women who continue to go without any at all, it really does need to go and stay on record that hair down there serves a purpose. It helps to reduce friction from your clothes while working out and during sex. It can help to protect you from STDs and other infections (to a certain extent; still use condoms, tho). It can also amplify pheromones which can make for a really good time as far as sexual activity goes.
So, where does the pruning come in? Well, even if you're someone who likes to go the full-on bush route, still make sure to give your pubic hair a trim from time to time. Any hair that has some length on it needs to have errand hairs and split ends (yep, pubic hair can get those, too) removed. Also, look (and/or feel) around for ingrown hairs that need to be tweezed out (they can be the worst!). I can't leave this point without saying that pruning can also make oral sex for/with your partner much more pleasant. Hey, don't take my word for it. Ask them.
Talk to It
Getty Images
If you're someone who thinks that people who talk to their plants are crazy, you might want to do more Googling. There is something known as "sound science," and it actually backs up that when plants have someone verbally engaging them, it can help them to grow faster. In fact, the ranges of tone in a woman's voice increases their chances even more than a man's voice does.
Am I about to roll up in here and say that you should talk to your va-jay-jay too? You already know. I mean, at least feel good about talking about it (you know, to your partner, your physician, and even your friends based on the issue and context). If that's something that you've never really considered doing before, check out an article I wrote a while back entitled "Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey."
Doing things like looking at your vagina, speaking your thoughts out loud, and journaling some things as well can boost your self-confidence about that part of your body. It can also help to release some mental and emotional walls that you may have built up that you didn't even consider…because you never thought to interact with your vagina on that type of level before.
Give It Some Vitamin D
Getty Images
Plants need sunlight. The main reason is that there is a process that plants go through known as photosynthesis in which, thanks to the help of the sun, it is able to make its own food. Listen, unless you’re cool with being naked outdoors, there’s a pretty good chance that your vagina won’t be taking in many natural sun rays. That doesn’t mean that it can’t benefit from something that the sun offers, though — Vitamin D.
When it comes to your vaginal health specifically, Vitamin D is awesome because it helps to prevent vaginal dryness. Plus, it can make going through menopause a lot easier. Foods that are high in this particular nutrient include salmon, tuna, fortified orange juice, egg yolks, mushrooms, dairy, and dark leafy greens. By the way, you can also take it in supplement form.
Word on the street is a combination of vitamins D3 and B12 can help to keep your tummy on the flatter side. #dopeness
Give It Some Space Too
Getty Images
I’ve got a little love sister who has a ton of plants inside her tiny apartment. Some are growing by leaps and bounds, while others are limp and looking like they are basically on their last leg. I’ve been trying to tell her that overcrowding does them no good, but you know — some folks choose to learn the hard way.
And yes, vaginas also need some space. I could go real deep and talk about how seasons of abstinence ain’t neva hurt nobody; however, what I’m really talking about here is sleeping naked. When we’re wearing clothes all day long, it’s a good idea to give your vagina a break at night because, since it’s already moist and warm down there and because that is a breeding ground for bad bacteria in your vagina to grow, it needs air in order to “dry out” a bit and to also regulate its own temperature.
Since sleeping naked can also improve your quality of sleep, reduce stress levels and even lower your risk for diabetes — how can it not be a win, all the way around, to roll around in your birthday suit tonight (hell, every night)?
Properly Maintenance It
Getty Images
Other things that plants need include good air circulation, to be put into the right kind of soil and to be in the proper temperature (for house plants, somewhere between 65-75 degrees) — bottom line, what they also need is routine maintenance.
Vaginas are no different. If you want yours to remain healthy, it’s important that you:
- Not douche (that throws its pH off)
- Avoid products that contain heavy perfumes (those can irritate it)
- Wash your bedding on a weekly basis (lots of dead skin cells are in sheets)
- Change your razors if you shave down below (every 5-7 shaves is ideal)
- Wear cotton panties more than ones made with synthetic fibers or thongs (again, the space thing) and get new drawers every 6-12 months
- Try to urinate after sex (to flush out bacteria)
- See your gynecologist on an annual basis (even if you don’t need a pap)
- Wash your sex toys after every use (and avoid ones made out of the chemicals listed here)
- Use condoms if you’re not in an exclusive long-term relationship
- Use all-natural lubrication (or make your own)
FULLY ACCEPT IT
Getty Images
Did you know that, reportedly, there are almost 400,000 different species of plants in the world? This speaks to a wide variety of uniqueness and distinction. Well, there are billions of humans, and although vaginas all basically work the same way, each one has its own “signature” that makes them especially special too.
So, no matter what your vagina — more specifically here, your vulva, which is the outer part of your vagina — may look like, just like a plant accepts itself and flourishes, commit to following its example. It’s rare, it’s a sacred space, and it’s yours…and that’s enough to make it completely and totally bomb. Amen? Exactly.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by IRINA KROLEVETC/Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: KJ Smith Talks Viral Wedding With Skyh Black: ‘We Did What We Wanted To Do’
Whether it was your group chat, social media feed, or your favorite media outlet covering the spectacle, I’m pretty sure you’ve come across the viral Black wedding between actress KJ Smith (Sistas, Raising Kanan) and actor Skyh Black (All the Queen’s Men, Sistas). From their grand entrance to Jay-Z, Kayne West, and Beyoncé’s song “Lift Off” to KJ’s standout dance routine and the endless celebrity appearances, it’s an addictive TikTok scroll you can’t help but delve into.
But what many people would be surprised to know is that the couple’s original wedding plan was nothing like what it grew to be. What started as her simply scrolling through posts to get ideas eventually transformed into what the internet knows now as #TheBlackExperience. In an exclusive conversation with xoNecole, KJ walked us through her planning process, the morning of her wedding, and what she thinks of the online response.
Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Ciara's Prayer Is Cool, But What About A Prayer To Find Your Tribe?
We, as women, pray to God for the type of husband we want, but do we pray for the type of friends we need? Many women often imitate singer Ciara’s prayer, hoping it will, too, lead them to their “Russell Wilson” – an equally yoked partner.
Yes, finding a life partner is a dream many hold close to their hearts, but how often do we put the same energy into asking for the friends that resonate with our souls? As with romantic relationships, our circle of friends can make or break us. Therefore, it is important to pray for our "tribe" with as much intention as we do for a life partner.
Our friends aren't just companions for brunches and spa days. They deeply influence our daily decisions, shape our outlook on life, and play a crucial role in our emotional well-being. True friends can elevate our spirits during life's troughs and cheer us on during its peaks. On the other hand, friendships that harbor negativity or toxicity can sap our energy, hinder our aspirations, and diminish our self-worth. This underscores the imperative of surrounding ourselves with the right tribe, a circle that fosters growth, ensures mental well-being, and champions genuine happiness.
Wouldn’t you want to be seen as a prize by your friends, like you wish to be seen as one by your future man?
Ciara
When Ciara navigated the painful waters of her breakup with rapper Future, the “Level Up” singer didn’t leave her future to chance; she envisioned her ideal partner. She actively, consciously, and spiritually prayed for the type of man she wanted as a partner. This wasn't just about a rebound or a short-term fix. It was about intention, clarity, and knowing her worth. The universe answered in the form of Russell Wilson, a beacon of their love story many now admire.
And after years of women wondering what exactly she said in her prayers, she finally revealed it. The singer recorded her purported prayer on Summer Walker’s sophomore album, “Still Over It,” released in November 2021.
Her words had social media in a chokehold, as women and men alike uttered her words in every relationship video they would post.
Choosing Your Friends Wisely
It is pivotal for us to visualize the friends we desire. Consider: Are they genuinely supportive? Are they the kind of friends who push us forward without pushing us down? Do they offer loyalty without conditions? By detailing these attributes in our prayers or intentions, we offer a roadmap to the universe, directing it to the companions we seek.
While it might be tempting to seek out friends who fit into societal molds of “fun” or “popular,” genuine connection demands more. We should crave friendships that go beyond the superficial, where understanding transcends words, where challenges breed growth, and where loyalty isn't seasonal. It's not merely about someone to share mimosas with but about nurturing connections that understand and amplify our life's journey.
When our tribe aligns with our spirit, the transformation is holistic. With the right friends, our confidence doesn't just grow; it soars. We're exposed to broader perspectives, and our horizons expand beyond the familiar. The positivity emanating from such a tribe influences every corner of our lives, creating ripples of change and growth.
However, you must also ensure you’re ready for what you’re praying for. In my opinion, it is unfair to ask God to deliver friends who pour into you, but you do not pour into them. While prayer sets our intentions, our actions seal the deal. Seeking the right tribe means putting ourselves in environments that reflect our values and interests. Whether attending themed events, volunteering for a cause close to our hearts, or joining groups with shared interests, our actions echo our prayers, resonating with the universe.
Embarking to find the perfect partner holds depth, but equally significant is the odyssey of curating our tribe. The right friends don't just accompany us; they shape our lives in unparalleled ways. When we direct our intentions and actions toward finding our tribe, we aren't merely forming bonds; we're crafting our destiny. The adage goes: "Show me your friends, and I'll unveil your future." Elevate your tribe to a priority, nurture those bonds, and behold the transformative magic unfold.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by FG Trade/ Getty Images