A few days ago, while talking to a male friend of mine who has been dating someone for a few months now, I asked him if he was excited about Valentine’s Day. What he said is what I’m used to most men saying some variation of — unfortunately: “For what? Even when I was married, I can’t think of one time when a woman did something special or actually bought me something. And no, sex doesn’t count.” And before any of you get triggered by that last part of what he said, there are many people who agree with him, 1000 percent, including myself. Oh, and this married couple. LOL.
@thebandkokui Sex is not a Valentine gift, please #love #valentinesday #valentine #ghanatiktok🇬🇭 #kokuitv
When it comes to commemorating special occasions, I will forever support the fact that sex is not a present. Not because the act isn’t special or intimate; it’s because it’s a mutual thing that two people actually benefit from (if that’s not the case for you, you and your partner have some serious discussing to do) — and so, if women can expect birthday, anniversary, Christmas and Valentine’s Day gifts outside of copulation…men should definitely be able to do the same.
So, what if, when it comes to Valentine’s Day this year, what you had in mind was coitus and not much else? The good news is I have 12 to put a smile on your man’s face this year so that he can know that a day that’s supposed to celebrate love is one that has him in mind, too. Ready?
1. Speak His Love Language(s)
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If the news is your thing, you may have seen some relatively new articles stating that the oh-so-very famous five love languages aren’t scientifically based. Gasp! Say it isn’t so. LOL. Being that Dr. Gary Chapman (the creator of the concept) is a counselor and a Christian, I’d venture to say that he wrote it more from a spiritual angle than anything else. And since it’s simply about how people like love to be expressed to them most (words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, or gifts) — I really don’t see why science is so bent out of shape over it…all these years later.
And that’s why I still support the notion that you look into what your man’s top two love languages are and then that you do something special for him this year in those ways. By the way, if you have no clue what his love languages are, please don’t guess…ask him. That way, you don’t go through all of the effort to do one thing when he would’ve preferred something different.
2. Cash App Him Money for Lunch
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I don’t have social media accounts, so I don’t see how apps shift from day to day — oh, but I’m hoping that people are taking their Cash App out of their bios, even as we speak. It really does come off as hella entitled, and that’s…off-putting. However, when it comes to the person you’re seeing, I’m thinking that you probably have their Cash App account details. So, why not treat him to lunch (or a haircut) on Valentine’s Day by sending him a few bucks along with a heart in the memo? I talk to enough men to know that simple gestures like this totally make their day because rarely does it happen to them (if ever).
3. Have Flowers Delivered to His Job
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I don’t know who came up with the idea that floral bouquets are a “woman’s thing” because there are studies to support that men like to receive them just about as much as we do. Not only that, but when flowers come their way, research says that it makes them happier, more appreciative, and more communicative as well. So, why not make your man’s entire day by having some flowers delivered to his job? Although the signature flower of Valentine’s Day is the red rose (which means “I love you”), if you want to be more creative or convey a different type of message, you can check out what different flowers mean here.
4. Make Him a Gift Basket
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The main thing that I like about homemade gift baskets is that you can customize them any way you’d like (including theme). Plus, no matter how big or small they are, the person on the receiving end is always going to find them to be super thoughtful. As far as your man goes, you can make him a gift basket that’s centered around his favorite sport or hobby. You can make him a gift basket that focuses on his favorite foods. You can make him a gift basket that is filled with some of your favorite memories of the relationship. You can make him a basket that is full of sex-themed treats that will get his imagination going. The options really are endless, and that’s what makes gift baskets an awesome idea.
5. Give Him Something with Your Handwriting on It
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Along the lines of what I just said, another special gift that you can give him is something that is personalized. The kind of personalization that I dig these days is the one that features a person’s actual handwriting. One example is a whiskey glass (that I found on Etsy), where you can put a message at the bottom of it. You can check it out here.
6. Write Him a RESPECT Letter
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Sometimes, I’ll watch a series of IG or TikTok posts on men (from women), and I get why the Bible says that husbands should love their wives and wives should RESPECT their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). Sometimes, we need a reminder that, not only is respect important in a relationship, many men don’t feel loved well if they aren’t respected. And by respect, I mean how the Classic Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 breaks it down: “…you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
That said, even if your bae is not yet your husband, if that’s where things are headed, think about how floored he would be to receive a letter that talks about all of the things that you appreciate, adore, and admire about him. Out of all of the suggestions in this piece, I can’t think of one man who wouldn’t be moved, beyond measure, to receive something so thoughtful (and probably totally unexpected) than a letter that articulates how much he is respected by the woman he cares about.
7. Brag About Him Online
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There are PLENTY of posts out in cyberspace where people are constantly complaining about their partner (le sigh). This Valentine’s Day, go the road less traveled and brag about your man instead. Talk about the reasons why you enjoy him, the things he’s done for you over the past year, and the reason why you think he’s one of the most wonderful people on the entire planet. Even if his primary love language isn’t words of affirmation, it will make him feel great about himself and the relationship. Don’t take my word for it; science says that compliments elevate moods and contribute to our overall health and well-being. Bragging is free. Give it a shot.
8. Send a Hotel Reservation to His Inbox
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Several years back, HuffPost published an article entitled, “You're Right, Hotel Sex IS Better Than Regular Sex. Here's Why.” It mentioned that a part of the reason why hotel sex is so bomb to so many of us is because it’s sensual, the lighting is good, and it feels indulgent (plus, we don’t have to clean up before we leave like we do at home). If sex is on the menu for Valentine’s Day, your man is gonna revel in it wherever you choose to have it.
Still, imagine the look that will be on his face if he sees a hotel reservation pop up either in his email inbox or in a text. Even if the two of you have to wait until the weekend to make it happen (since Valentine’s Day falls on a weekday this year), it’ll give him something special to look forward to — and since anticipation is one helluva aphrodisiac…well. #wink
9. Get Some Lingerie in His Favorite Color
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Speaking of surprises, another nice touch is to pick up some lingerie. This year, though, make sure that it’s in his favorite color. If you’ve ever wondered where color preferences actually come from, I once read that it’s based on the objects that we associate with the color along with how a particular color makes us feel. Yeah, I don’t know many men who would frown at seeing their woman in a sexy lace teddy or a seductive sheer baby doll get-up. And if it’s in his favorite color? It will be hard to not associate you with the color in the future. A pretty smart move, if you ask me, chile.
10. Offer a Head Massage, Facial and Beard Pampering
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Next time you want some inspiration for how to cater to your man, go to TikTok and put “pamper your man, Black man” in the subject heading. Not only are you gonna see some fine bearded wonders over there, but you’ll also get some tips on how to give a proper head massage, or facial and how to pamper a man’s beard. Head massages are dope because they relieve stress. Facials benefit men just like they benefit us when it comes to improving the texture and quality of their skin.
And as far as beards go, there’s research out there that says we women actually prefer men with some (well-manicured) hair on their faces. So, if your man happens to fall into that demo, get him some beard oil from a Black-owned company. Three are Rucker Roots, golden, and Sons of Hollis. Then get to grooming, sis.
11. Prepare Him His Favorite Meal
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Not too long ago, I was talking to someone who said that men don’t care about restaurants like women do; they go because they know that their lady likes the experience. What guys enjoy is the love that is felt through a home-cooked meal. Listen, there are countless social media posts that like to debate this topic, yet honestly, at the end of the day, if what men like is meals that are made from scratch, that is their preference, and everyone has a right to what they prefer. That said, I can’t think of one man who is gonna not thoroughly appreciate a woman who makes the time to prepare his favorite meal from scratch. So, whether this Valentine’s Day is going to be your first or 50th time, consider making him something delicious to eat.
12. Be His Dessert
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Sex is not a proper gift. I stand on that. Still, that doesn’t mean that I don’t cosign on it being a part of Valentine’s Day. Since dessert literally means “the sweet, usually last course of a meal” — present sex in an outside-of-the-box sort of way. Bring in some sex condiments (check out “12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”). Try some new sex positions. Intentionally fulfill some of his sexual fantasies. Play some sex-themed games. Have sex in an atypical location.
Bottom line, at the end of whatever else you have planned, offer him up something sweet (you) in an unexpected way. It’ll be the perfect ending to a day of reciprocated romance.
As for Long-Distance Relationships…
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Since reportedly 14 million couples are currently in a long-distance relationship, I wanted to provide a few ideas if you happen to fall into that demographic.
Plan a virtual date. If the two of you can’t be together this year, do the next best thing and plan a virtual date. Although virtual dating is something that was big during the pandemic lockdown, long-distance couples have been partaking in virtual dates for years. Thanks to the power of technology, you and your man can prop up your phones and cook together, watch a movie together, or slow drag (kinda-sorta) to 90s R&B together. Is it as good as being together “for real”? No. Yet is it better than just talking on the phone? Definitely.
Send him a Southwest gift card. Several years back, Glamour published an article entitled, “My Two Long-Distance Relationships Made Me Broke.” Listen, anyone in a long-distance relationship knows that it’s not a cheap situation to be in. So, if the two of you are a plane flight away, take some of the burden off of him buying a ticket by getting him a Valentine’s Day card and putting a Southwest gift card in it. Even fifty bucks will remove some of the stress.
Mail him your favorite perfume. There is a lot of data out here to support that scent is tied to memory. So, if you want to cultivate certain super fond memories of you while you’re away from your guy, send him his favorite scent that you wear. He can spray it on his bedding or a comfy blanket and feel closer to you until the next time the two of you lock eyes (while in the same room).
Sign him up for a lingerie subscription. Wanna build some serious anticipation until the next time the two of you are together? Sign him up for a lingerie subscription. That way, he can pick up pieces that he would like to see you in, free of charge, and hold onto them until the two of you are able to enjoy them — together. Cratejoy has a list of some lingerie subscription services that are worth looking into here.
Have dessert delivered to him. Did you know that there is something called “dessert stomach” that is scientifically based? Long story short, the pleasure that sweets provide can make us desire them even if a meal has already made us full. This is definitely a heads-up to practice moderation in the sweets department, yet who wants to do that on Valentine’s Day? On the holiday, whether it’s at work or his house, hit up a food delivery service, and have his favorite dessert delivered to him. It’s a sweet way (pun intended) to honor the day and a wonderful way to let him know that he’s on your mind.
Happy (Almost) Valentine’s Day — to you and your man, y’all!
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It might sound like a strange approach on the surface, yet hear me out. There is plenty of science out here to support the fact that using mantras as a meditative practice can be beneficial on more than a few levels. Repeating a particular word or phrase while in a relaxed state can not only help reduce stress and get you to be more “present” (bookmark that), but mantras are also awesome when it comes to helping you to “reprogram” your mind so that you can feel more confident and less defensive.
This, in turn, can get your mind, body, and spirit to work in harmony with your partner — all of which are needed if you want to have a truly satisfying and fulfilling sex life.
If applying sex mantras to your world is something you’re willing to give a shot yet you have no clue of what to say, here are seven mantras that can inspire you to improve your boudoir action as well as come up with a few sex-themed ones of your own.
1. “My sensuality is incomparable.”
GiphyThe interesting thing about the word “sensual” (at least, to me) is a lot of people think that it automatically means “sexy” when that isn’t exactly the case. While sexiness is all about being sexually interesting or exciting, sensuality is more about gratifying one’s senses or appetite (which is why some people define food as being a “sensual experience”) — and yes, in several ways, those two things are quite different.
The reason why I say that is someone can look sexy all day long and still not be able to truly connect with their partner because they aren’t tapped into theirsexual love languages, theirerogenous zones, or what their partner may be sexually craving at the moment. Oh, but a sensual individual? They will be able to do all of this and so much more.
That’s actually one of the main reasons why I like the word “sensual” so much. You don’t have to look a certain way to be sensual. You don’t have to wear a specific thing to be sensual. You simply have to be observant, unselfish, and fully present — and yes, a person who is that way in the bedroom, they are both incomparable and unforgettable.
Just ask someone who has been with a sensual individual before. Watch how their eyes damn near glaze over as they reflect on the experiences. I’m not kidding.
So yeah, creating a mantra that encourages you to focus on your sensuality, even over being sexy, that is a great way to become a more sexually confident type of person — and where confidence resides, great results transpire. In and out of the bedroom alike.
2. “I am fully present.”
GiphyA few years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?” A big part of it consisted of learning how to be mindful, which at the end of the day, is about being present. And just what does that mean? Personally, I like howone article that I read on the topic defined it: “being (intentionally) more aware and awake to each moment and being fully engaged in what is happening in one’s surroundings – with acceptance and without judgment”.
Just a few days ago, a friend of mine and I were talking about what our favorite Luther Vandross songs were. Being the B-side woman that I am, I mentioned his joint, “For You to Love” (side note: peep YouTube comments on songs sometimes. I was moved to see a woman say that this was the last song she and her hubby danced to before he passed away 10 years ago and that they would’ve been together 54 years now if he was still alive).
Aside from the vocals and the bass player absolutely killin’ it, I just like the phrasing of sex in the song — nothing graphic, no unrealistic expectations (more on that in a bit); Luther said that he took a train in the pouring rain just for his partner to love him. Nothing more, nothing less.
And yes, taking on that kind of mindset sets the foundation for some pretty amazing sex because all you want to do is take in each moment, be fully engaged with your bae, and accept them (as they do the same thing for you) with no judgment. It’s not about what happened last time; it’s about simply enjoying this time. What happens happens, and what comes (or cums) comes. You’re here for all of it, and that’s what matters most. When it comes to sex, this is a lot of what being present is all about.
3. “If I didn’t want to please you, I wouldn’t be here.”
GiphySelfish people will never experience all that comes withmind-blowing sex (check out “Got A Selfish Lover? This Is What You Should Do About It.”). Why? Because all that they really care about is what they can get out of the exchange. That’s why, it has always been my belief that, if you want some of the best sex of your life,you need to be a pleaser, and your partner needs to be that way too. I am a huge fan of this because if you both get off on getting each other off…how can sex not be a wonderful experience?
On the other hand, if you’re with someone who doesn’t feel or think this way…essentially, you are totally wasting your time because if all they care about is themselves, I mean…masturbation is right there. Right?
I mean, I don’t know about y’all, but whenmy past sex partners were on some, “I just want to make you feel good, everything else is a bonus,” already I was on the verge of damn near climaxing because if that is your top agenda, I already know that I’m about to be in for a really good time!
So yeah, if earth-shattering sex is your goal, always go into the experience with the mentality of, “My time is precious, and so, if I wasn’t trying to please you, I wouldn’t be here” while expecting no less from “him.” Because, it’s true — if you both didn’t want to make sure that each of you will be able to get the absolute most out of what is about to go down, why are you trying to have sex in the first place? I mean…really.
4. “Having me is an honor.”
GiphyYou can think it’s an old-fashioned, dated, or antiquated thing to say, yet I do really find it to be pretty sad, just how casual so many people are about sex — seemingly now more than ever. I say that becausebeing casual is (literally) about being things like apathetic, nonchalant, and purposeless — and no, I don’t think that copulation should have that kind of energy attached to it.
When you decide to share your body with another individual, and especially when we as women decide to allow someone to literally enter inside of us, that should be treated as both an honor and a privilege.
I’m not being grandiose; I used the word “honor” by design because it means that you should be highly respected, esteemed, and even praised — that there is something so distinctive (which is a synonym of honor) about you that no one should approach you with a “ho-hum” attitude. Sir, what you are about to partake in is something that is truly magnificent. Please take special note.
And here’s the thing, sis: when you believe this about yourself, it will definitely make your sexual experience a better one because when you see yourself as something that is worthy of praise, you tend to want to create encounters that will amplify that.” And no, I don’t care how many times someone has already “had the pleasure” with you. Yesterday is a thing of the past. If he’s able to be with you, right here and right now, it is still an honor. Yet again. Lucky him.
5. “The expectations here are connection and pleasure.”
GiphyThe Greek philosopher Heraclitus once said, “If you do not expect the unexpected, you will not recognize it when it arrives,” author Tom Bodett once said, “Disappointment resides in the gap between expectations and reality,” and some wise person out in the world once said, “Anger is just proof of how unrealistic your expectations were.”
When it comes to sex —even really good sex — I believe that all of these quotes should be tucked away somewhere in your mind because, as I also once read, oftentimes, we find ourselves frustrated in our relationships because we tie the word “always” to it. In other words, we don’t allow a lot of room for change, surprises, or simply something different, and the bedroom is not exempt from this.
Keeping all of this in mind, just imagine what it would be like if, each and every time we decided to have an intimate moment with our partner, we only had two expectations: to connect with them on a special level and to make sure that pleasure is mutually experienced. Not that sex is like it was the last time. Not thatmultiple orgasms must be had. Not that minds must be blown.
Imagine if the goal was simply to connect in a pleasurable way. Taking the pressure off to perform — or outperform — reduces stress, which opens the door up to all types of possibilities because you aren’t looking for anything other than to enjoy your partner…however that chooses to manifest itself. This time.
6. “Our desire is significant.”
GiphyI like the word “desire,” especially when it comes to sex. Desire means to make a request. Desire means to have a craving. Desire means to be sexually attracted. Desire means to see something (or one) asa source of satisfaction and enjoyment. Desire is about being highly passionate. Desire is about being eager to please. Desire is about having a voracious appetite. Desire is about having a clear motive. And, in this instance,desire is about lust — and love.
Taking all of this in, imagine what sex between you and your partner would be like if, all throughout the day, in preparation of what was to come, you both simply said to yourselves (and perhaps to each other on a call or via text) something along the lines of, “Our desire for each other is significant.” Yeah, I like the word “significant” too because it means that something or someone is special, important, and deserving of one’s attention. That said, GOODNESS — just imagine how you would feel if your partner shot you a text that said something like, “I crave you, and my intention is to please you on every level; that is how much I want you, so I request your presence at this hotel room tonight. It’s important.” WHEEEEEW.
Yeah, imagine if, every time you and your partner had sex, you went into seeing it — valuing it — as an important opportunity where you can have your appetite quenched. If that mindset doesn’t improve your sex life, honey…I don’t know what to tell you.
7. “I deserve this.”
GiphyLast year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?” Yep, I’m big on speaking out about what deserve means because far too many people out here come with an entitled — if not flat-out delusional — attitude about it. Why do I say that? Because, again, by definition of the word, in order to deserve something (or someone), you need to be qualified.
For instance, why should someone think that they deservea six-figure earner when they barely make $30,000, they have nothing in their savings account, and their credit is in shambles? Not only that, but they have a pattern of misspending and no plans to improve their financial issues. I’m telling you, once you get into your mind that you need to strive to “be what you think that you deserve,” not only does it humble you, it helps you to be more realistic in your approach to…a lot of things.
And as I bring this to a close, what does this have to do with sex? Well, when you choose a partner to share your body and energy with, whether you realize it, you are qualifying them to be with you. You are essentially saying that they have the “proper or necessary skills, knowledge, credentials, etc.” to experience intimacy with you on that level. And when they choose you, they are essentially saying the same thing (which is why people need to be more selective about who they choose to copulate with, chile).
And so, since both of you are qualified, there is no reason to be self-conscious, to worry about if you are “skilled enough” or to overthink everything. By you and your partner deciding to experience each other in this way and on this level, sis, you automatically deserve it — you deserve to have a memorable exchange that will bring you joy and fulfillment. Go into it with that mindset and watch how satisfied you will feel.
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That’s the thing about a mantra. While, on the surface, it seems like a simple phrase, if you unpack the meaning behind it, you’ll be amazed by what type of transformative vibes you can bring into your life — including your sex life.
Try it. You just might like it. A LOT.
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