

As a marriage life coach who is more than aware of the fact that the current divorce rate for first-time marriages continues to hover around the 50 percent mark (with second marriages being 60 percent and third 73 percent), I'll be the first one to say that I don't care if you've been married for one year or 50, every time your anniversary rolls around, it's a BIG TIME MILESTONE — one that needs to be celebrated to its absolute fullest.
For this very reason, I thought it would be a good idea to share some ways that you and yours can honor, bless and rejoice in the fact that you chose to make your marriage work for another 365 days. Whether you decide to implement all 12 of these or just a few, I hope each one will remind you that monogamous love is nothing to casually shrug about. Sis, it's a really, REALLY big deal and for making yours last, I personally salute you. Now let's get to these ideas.
1. Rent a Dream Vacation House
Whether you live in a house, apartment, condo or townhome, most of us have an idea of a dream house that we wish we could at least spend a couple of nights in. Thanks to websites like Vrbo and home to go, you can find beach homes, cabins or even huge houses that are either close to your own house or in another city; ones that can make you feel like a millionaire — even if it's only for a few days or so.
2. Redo a Wedding Day Photo
There's a wife I know who has a really cute anniversary tradition. Every year, she and her husband put on their original wedding attire and take a professional photo shoot in a different location. Aside from the fact that it's dope as hell that she's able to still fit into her dress after over 15 years and a few kids, what I really like about this idea is it shows how time transitions people while the commitment remains intact.
Let me tell it, not enough people take formal pictures anymore. So, whether you decide to replicate your wedding day or just take some couple shots in general, consider getting a photographer to take a picture that you can blow up, frame and post up in your home. Listen, I totally believe that couples who remain committed are their own "work of art".
3. “Update” Your Wedding Vows
When it comes to a really beautiful sentiment, I know a few married folks who have their original wedding vows framed, matted and hung somewhere in their house. Along these same lines, whenever I'm dealing with a couple who feels like they are taking each other for granted, I will oftentimes encourage them to each write a list of things that they adore about each other and then put the lists someplace where they can both see them (like their bedroom mirror or refrigerator) on a consistent basis. In the spirit of both of these points, a sweet — and in many ways, purposeful — thing that you and your spouse can do is update your marriage vows.
What I mean by that is, I'm pretty sure that on your wedding day, you saw love, marriage and the keys to commitment quite differently than the way you do now that you're living life out on a daily basis. By revisiting your vows and then adding on your thoughts, insights and declarations, it can remind both you and yours of where you started and also how far the both of you have come.
4. Have a Chef Make Your Wedding Reception Meal
If there's one thing that the majority of married couples who I've talked to over the years have told me was a total blur about their wedding day, it was their wedding reception. Between the excitement of it all, trying to spend at least a little bit of time with everyone and hopefully getting at least a couple of dances in, even if their reception went well into the night, it ended up feeling like merely a few minutes. On top of that, because sitting down didn't get to happen a lot, many didn't get to enjoy their reception meal either.
One way to "correct that mistake" is to hire a chef to come and make the food that was on your reception menu all over again. Or, if the food that you did taste happened to suck or you both low-key wish that you had served something entirely different, a chef can do that for you too. Hire A Chef is one website that can point you into the right direction as far as personal chefs go.
5. Get a Bakery to Replicate a Mini Wedding Cake
I'm pretty sure you've heard of the anniversary tradition that consists of freezing your wedding cake and then having a slice of it on your anniversary. While I dig it, it's important to put on record that you really shouldn't do this for more than your newlywed (the first two) years; even then, the second year probably won't taste all that hot because of the potential for freezer burn.
Hopefully, your marriage is going to last (or already has lasted) for longer than a couple of years. So, if you want to continue having a slice of wedding-themed cake for years to come, hit up a local bakery (one that specializes in wedding cakes), send them a picture of your wedding cake along with its flavor and have them make you a smaller version. That way, it will always be fresh, and you can keep the tradition going.
6. Mark Your Marriage Milestones
Again, if marriage is nothing else, it's a long list of milestones.
If you're someone who likes to go the DIY route when it comes to anniversary presents, why not make something that consists of your marriage milestones? You know, things like when you met, your first date, your first kiss, your first trip together, the first time you both said, "I love you", the day you got engaged, etc. It can be a collage of pictures, hearts that have the dates underneath — anything that you can frame put up in your living room or bedroom.
Something that I really like about this particular idea is it's super affordable, can be fun to make and, it's a great way for couples to remember all of the good times through the years (bonus: it'll be hard for your husband to forget dates when they're posted up somewhere!).
7. Buy Each Other a “to the Nines” Outfit
While I know that things like jewelry is pretty common when it comes to the higher end of anniversary-related gift giving, something that I think couples should do more often instead is to get each other a full outfit (head to toe), so that they can dress up and out — all out. I think I've shared before that there's a married couple that I know who haven't been on a formal date in almost 10 years of their almost 40-year marriage (what in the world?!). Shopping for your boo is not only a lot of fun, it can also get you excited about planning the kind of date that you probably went on when you were first going out. First, find the attire and then plan the kind of place that is fitting for it. It's a great way to up the ante as far as romance in your relationship goes.
8. Watch a Movie from the Year You Were Married
What if you and yours are the kind of people who like to approach anniversaries from more of a low-key and casual standpoint? Understood. If that's the case, how about ordering in and watching a couple of movies from the year that the two of you got married? The cool thing about this particular idea is it can cultivate a kind of nostalgia that could get the two of you talking about all kinds of stuff from what the music and fashion was like at that time to the types of movie dates you went on back in the day. Shoot, every time I see an episode of Martin or listen to Brian McKnight's debut LP, my freshman year of college immediately comes to mind. Amazing how pop culture will do that to you.
9. Slow Drag to Your Wedding Reception Playlist
Outside from the y'all's first dance and maybe the dance that each of you had with your parents, do you even remember what the DJ played at your wedding reception? Hopefully, you've still got a copy of the playlist, a CD or something that will help to jog your memory. If you do, play it and do a little slow dancing together. If you don't, create a playlist of love songs from the years that you dated thru the day you got married. The only thing that will make it better is if you do the dancing…naked.
10. Take a Sex Workshop Online
Speaking of nudity, I've shared many times before on this platform that an underrated reason for why couples go through troubling times in their marriage is because they are bored — including sexually bored (check out "7 Signs You're In A 'Sex Rut' & How To Get Out Of It"). Something that could prevent this from happening in your own relationship is to attend a sex workshop online. As far as finding one, one approach is to you to your favorite search engine and put "online sex workshops" in the search field. Another angle is to skim the article "12+ Black Sex Educators Who Are Blazing Sex-Positive Trails" and ask some of those professionals if they know any Black-community-specific workshops that you can sign up for. After all, knowledge is power…right?
11. Upcycle Your Wedding Night
A word that I personally like a lot is "upcycle". It basically means that you are improving upon the original. Well, considering that reportedly 52 percent of couples don't even have sex on their wedding night and the word "consummate" literally means to complete something, I also think wedding anniversaries can also be about literally upcycling your wedding night.
Maybe wear the lingerie that you wore that night (if you still have it) yet bring in some sex condiments (check out "12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious"), experiment with some new sex positions ("These Intimate Sex Positions Will Up The Ante On Your Orgasms"), give your man a sexy massage ("Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage"), take oral sex up a few notches ("12 Things You Should Do During Oral Sex (That You Probably Aren't)" and/or knock some things off of your sex bucket list ("This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of 'Sex Bucket List'"). There are lots of studies to support that married sex continues to be the best kind of sex. Remind your boo and yourself of how far the both of you have come since your wedding night went down.
12. Have a “Sex Brunch” the Following Day
After a night of amazing sex (because sex on your wedding anniversary should be about celebrating each other on a whole 'nother level), make it a priority to sleep in and then to have, what I call, a sex brunch — foods that fall into the aphrodisiac cuisine list. Some of those include chocolate (chocolate chip pancakes); strawberries (strawberry breakfast cake); figs (honey and fig breakfast bowls); cinnamon (cinnamon rolls); sweet potato (sweet potato hash); apples (pan-seared sausage and apples); avocados (blueberry and avocado muffins); bananas (peanut butter and banana French toast); salmon (salmon breakfast tacos), and champagne (mimosas). At the very least, it'll be a delicious way to culminate your anniversary. Or, it could give you the fuel that you need to do a little bit of more, umm, upcycling. Either way, congrats!
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Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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My personal relationship with birth control pills is a bit of an odd one. Back when I first became sexually active (I started having sex with my first boyfriend a couple of months shy of 19), I took them for a couple of months, didn’t like how they made me feel, and so I quit using them altogether (and got pregnant almost immediately after). The rest of my adult life, I stayed off of the pill and pretty much only used condoms (and even then, not consistently — SMDH).
And yet here I am, now, all these years later, back on them again: surprise, surprise.
These days, it's for a completely different purpose, though. Now that I am in the hopefully latter stages of perimenopause (I’m not sure because my mother had a full hysterectomy at 29, her mother died at 53 and I don’t deal with my paternal grandmother because…chile… ) — although I have always had relatively easy cycles and I could definitely set my watch to them, about two years ago, my periods started to show up whenever they felt like it and it was damn near a crime scene once they did.
It was driving me crazy, and so, my nurse practitioner recommended that I take progestin-only pills to shorten, if not completely stop, my cycle: “After a year or so, we can wean off and see if you are entering into menopause on your own.” (Whew, perimenopause, chile.)
Although the first five months of being on this particular pill made me wonder if it was worth it to take this approach, I actually re-upped for another 12-month cycle because the extra progestin (a synthetic form of progesterone) has benefitted me in other areas as well because I am sleeping more soundly and my weight is more stabilized (by the way, when these things are “off,” they are signs of low progesterone levels). However, I did ask my nurse practitioner if, once I do decide to wean off of the pill, would there be any issues.
Her response is what inspired me to write this article because, until she said “post-birth control syndrome” to me, I had no idea there was such a thing. Anyway, if you give me a sec, I’ll explain to you what it is and why you should care if hormone-related birth control is currently a part of your life.
Yes, Post-Birth Control Syndrome Is a Very Real Thing
Okay, so it’s important to always remember that the way that birth control works is it “manipulates” your hormones so that you can significantly reduce your chances of conceiving. This means that taking them could result in some side effects including nausea; weight gain; headaches; irregular periods and/or spotting; increased stress; depression; blurry vision; breast tenderness, and/or a lowered libido.
That said, even though birth control pills are basically 99 percent effective (when taken correctly and consistently), if the side effects that you are experiencing are making you close to miserable, you should absolutely share that with your healthcare provider because…what’s the sense in preventing pregnancy when you don’t even feel up to having sex because you don’t feel good or your sex drive is shot? More times than not, your provider can find you another pill brand or option that will help you to feel more like yourself.
With that out of the way, think about it — if going on the pill can produce side effects, why would going off of it…not? And this is where post-birth control syndrome comes in.
For the most part, it’s what can happen to your body once you decide to come off of birth control. Typically, the symptoms will last anywhere between 4-6 months and, although the symptoms seem to present themselves most intensely as it relates to going off of the pill, any hormone-related birth control (like IUDs, injections, patches, the ring or implants) could produce similar outcomes.
Outcomes like what?
- Irregular cycles
- Breakouts
- Excessive gas and/or bloating
- Weight gain
- Anxiety and/or depression
- Fertility issues
- Migraines and/or headaches
- Shifts in your libido
- Sleeplessness/restlessness
- Hair loss
Whoa, right? And if a part of you is wondering, “Okay, if this is indeed the case, why have I not heard of this syndrome before?” It’s because it’s not a term that conventional method uses nearly as much as alternative medicine does. Still, it makes all of the sense in the world that if your body has to adjust to an uptick in hormonal intake, it would also need to adjust to removing those extra doses of hormones from your system as well. COMMON. DAMN. SENSE.
Anyway, if you were thinking about taking a break from birth control and taking all of this in has you feeling a bit…let’s go with the word “trepidatious” about doing so, I totally get it. There are some things that you can do to make experiencing post-birth control syndrome either a non-issue or a far more bearable one, though.
7 Home Remedies That Can Make Coping with Post-Birth Control Syndrome Easier
1. Take a multivitamin.Something that’s fascinating about what going off of birth control can do is it sometimes has the ability to lower your nutrition levels as it relates to certain vitamins and minerals; this is especially the case when it comes to vitamins B, C, E and minerals like magnesium, selenium and zinc. So, if you don’t currently take a multivitamin, now would be the time to start (along with consuming foods that are particularly high in those nutrients as well).
2. Up your vitamin D intake. Speaking of nutrient levels, a vitamin level that commonly drops after going off of birth control isvitamin D. This is hella critical to keep in mind as a Black woman since many of us tend to be naturally deficient in the vitamin as-is and vitamin D is important when it comes to fighting off diseases, regulating weight and keeping your moods stabilized (for starters). So, make sure that your multivitamin has vitamin D in it. Also make sure to consume vitamin D-enriched foods like fatty fish, eggs, mushrooms, yogurt and fortified orange juice.
3. Drink herbal teas. Since going off of birth control will cause your hormones to be all over the place for a season, consider drinking some herbal teas that will help to stabilize them. Black cohosh contains phytoestrogen properties, Chasteberry can help to level out your prolactin levels and green tea can help your hormones out by helping to balance out your insulin (which can sometimes directly affect them).
4. Keep some ibuprofen nearby. The headaches and migraines? Until those subside, you and ibuprofen are probably going to become really good friends; although I will add that ginger tea and inhaling essential oils like chamomile and lavender can help to ease migraine-related symptoms too.
5. Do some meditating. Waiting for your hormones to get back on track can be stressful as all get out. That said, something that can get your cortisol (stress hormone) levels to chill out is to meditate. If meditation is new for you, check out “7 Meditation Hacks (For People Who Can't Seem To Do It).”
6. Get massages. As if you needed an excuse to get a massage, right (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? However, there is some evidence to back the fact that regular massages (somewhere around once a month) can help to lower your stress, boost your dopamine, increase blood flow and drain your lymphatic system so that you will have more energy.
7. Sleep/rest more. There is plenty of scientific research out here which says that sleep deprivation can throw your hormones out of whack — and since your hormones are already trying to stabilize themselves, you definitely need to get 6-8 hours of sleep and not feel the least bit guilty about taking naps sometimes too.
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Post-birth control syndrome may not be the most pleasant thing about getting off of birth control yet it is manageable. So, now that you know all about it, you can feel more confident about taking a birth control break (or getting off altogether) — without the surprises that can come with doing it. Give thanks.
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