As a certified Life Coach aka the Single Girls Life Coach, Reka Robinson wants women to discover their worth. She is the host of Single You "The Podcast" and the founder of Single You Academy, an online community and resource for women. After experiencing a break-up from a toxic relationship in the year 2017, Reka was devastated. She wanted to find healing and made it a priority for herself to become more spiritually, mentally, and emotionally aligned. After doing some inner self-work, she realized that this particular break-up was something she needed to go through to tap into her purpose. It was a blessing in disguise.
"I want to emphasize that there is beauty in marriage, but there is also beauty in being single. Let's tell the truth, singleness is not a punishment."
Reka Robinson, now two years as a solo entrepreneur, understands what it means to use her story to help others. For Reka, finding balance is not about only focusing on the good, but using past pain to reach a higher version of yourself. Society likes to emphasize #relationshipgoals and tie it to your success as a woman, but what about #selflovegoals? It is important to remember that, as women, we are capable of accomplishing anything we set our minds to because we are more than enough outside of our relationships. Reka Robinson shows women that regardless of your relationship status, finding that balance in your life starts with YOU first.
For this installment of "Finding Balance", xoNecole had the chance to speak with 'Living Single' advocate Reka Robinson about embracing the beauty of singleness, tapping into her purpose from pain, and the power women have within themselves.
Courtesy of Reka
"I learned what God meant when he said he was going to use my story. God wants other women to feel seen from my story, just like I feel seen in other women's stories."
xoNecole: At what point in your life did you understand the importance of pressing pause and finding balance in both your personal and professional life?
Reka Robinson: It has definitely been a journey with figuring out the balance. After my break-up, I started my healing journey. During my healing, I was also working full-time doing morning radio. There came this moment when there was a shift in me. I was getting this feeling that morning radio may not be for me anymore. This feeling disrupted my sleep patterns and it came off in how I felt when I would show up to work. I just knew it was no longer fulfilling for me. So I prayed about it and made the decision to make a change. It was time to close a door and open a new one for what God chose me to do. My quote for this year is, "Obedience and execution of strategy is my job. The outcome is God's."
xoNecole: What is a typical day in your life? If no day is quite the same, give me a rundown of a typical work week and what that might consist of.
Reka: I get up at around 9:00 a.m. To start my day, I either put on a sermon or do bible study. I try to stay away from my phone and social media as much as possible in the morning. So the two most important things are to spend time with God and/or move my body. Going into the afternoon, I intentionally do not take any client calls until 1:00 p.m. So in the afternoon, I am in work mode, whether it is answering emails, speaking with clients, or working on social media strategies. I usually end the work part of the day at around 7:30-8:00 p.m.
xoNecole: How do you wind down at night?
Reka: I LOVE candles. I love the orange and yellow glow that candles bring to a room. I light my candles and I have a humidifier that I like to set up. Watching the steam is very therapeutic for me. But after that, I give myself a moment of gratitude. I thank God for getting me through another day and I celebrate myself for accomplishing what I wanted to get done for that day. Scratching things off of my to-do list is everything.
xoNecole: Do you practice any types of self-care? What does that look like for you?
Reka: I read A LOT. After my break-up, I became hungry for knowledge. I have been able to read up to 20 books within a year. So reading for me is really my best self-care practice. Because with knowledge, you can change your whole life.
xoNecole: What advice do you have for busy women who feel like they don’t have time for self-care?
Reka: There is this quote that I saw saying, "If you do not have 5-10 minutes for yourself a day, then you don't have a life." You have to find that moment in your day that is dedicated to you. When you are super busy and you are super stressed, our bodies harbor that. Everything is connected and when you find that time to sit and be still, you will see the difference in yourself slowly but surely.
Courtesy of Reka
"I give myself a moment of gratitude. I thank God for getting me through another day and I celebrate myself for accomplishing what I wanted to get done for that day. Scratching things off of my to-do list is everything."
xoNecole: How do you find balance with:
Friends?
Reka: Everything in my life, I feel is scheduled [laughs]. I have really good friends that are also solo entrepreneurs. So what we like to do is schedule meetups on Clubhouse to talk about different topics or we have COVID-safe girls' nights where we celebrate each other and catch up. I think it is important to be intentional with groups of women and I am really happy with my friendships right now.
Love/Relationships?
Reka: I am not actively dating right now. But this is what I have to say about this topic: I am focusing on my business and really enjoy my singleness. My prayer to God is, "OK listen God, your sons down here, they need your help [laughs]. I don't need any distractions, but if you want me to be with somebody, hide me from everyone else." I want to know the moment that I am presented to him, he was meant to be presented to me.
Health? Do you cook or eat out often?
Reka: I find no joy in cooking. That is not my ministry at all [laughs]. I honestly have spent so much money eating out. But recently, I started intermittent fasting and it was one of the best decisions I've made. I started using my fasting as a way to connect with God more and more clarity on what is next for me. I want to strengthen my spirituality and stay focused.
xoNecole: When you are going through a bout of uncertainty, or feeling stuck, how do you handle it?
Reka: The quality of your life is determined by the questions you ask it. Figuring out where this feeling is coming from and why you are feeling this way is so powerful. I talk to myself a lot and ask myself questions when I feel that anxiety. Getting to the root of why you are actually reacting to certain things, you need to walk yourself through that.
xoNecole: Honestly, what does success mean to you?/What does happiness mean to you?
Reka: Success to me is doing the things you said you want to do. I have my checklist and when I get to cross that line through a task, I am just so proud of myself. Like, YOU DID THAT GIRL [smiles]. I had to stop tying my identity to my job when I finally left it. I am so much more than my job. Me being able to complete the things I want to do in my own way is success, which also can tie into happiness. Happiness comes from that freedom to do exactly what you want to do and get things done.
To learn more about Reka, you follow her on IG here. You can also check out the Single You podcast here.
Featured image courtesy of Reka Robinson
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Featured image by Malcolm Roberson
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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