2019 was a difficult year for me. I dealt with months of unemployment, family being ill, and a situationship gone bad. So when 2020 rolled around, I was intentional about making the year different. A few weeks before, I decided to write out a list of goals with clear action plans on how to make them attainable. As I read over the list, I smiled to myself knowing that each one was a possibility. That is, until I added, "Become healthier and make better food choices."
I've never been thin, but within the last couple of years I had put on more pounds than what felt comfortable. I knew something had to be done, but I was stuck on what steps to take. Then days later, one of my best friends called and mentioned she planned to start the Daniel Fast and asked if I wanted to participate. The Daniel Fast is a 21-day religious fast based on the biblical book of Daniel; it requires one to abstain from meat, alcohol, and processed foods. Now, while I never claim to be the most religious person, I still take it very seriously. I knew that if I was gonna agree to it, I'd have to stick to it. But, I was super worried. I've tried many diets in the past and while I do pretty well with them in the beginning, I usually end up quitting. Maybe I don't see results quick enough, or I lose just enough to fit into an outfit, then call it quits. I knew this had to be different. I had to change my perspective. After doing more research and saving hella motivational quotes from the 'gram, I agreed.
Instead of thinking I have to stick to this diet because I want to lose weight, I thought I have to keep this commitment to God because of what He's done, and will continue to do.
I spoke to Him about struggles and goals I hope to achieve. And slowly, my thinking changed. How can I not do this? Both of my parents are cancer survivors. I'm somehow paying my bills, and He's put amazing non-romantic relationships in my life. If He did all this, certainly I can pass on wings and margaritas. I'm telling you; that thought process is a game-changer. Now don't get me wrong, there were tests. For example, I went on a date where a guy actually sat in my face eating lemon pepper wings and constantly asked, "Are you sure you don't want any?" I even worked at a wine festival and couldn't try any of the products. I'm not trying to sound like a lush, but that was a whole struggle. Still, when I think back on that time, I realize how essential it was for my health, wellness and spirituality going into this difficult year.
Here are a few things I learned:
Meat May Cause My Menstrual Cramps
Ever since I was a teenager, I've always dealt with horrible menstrual cramps. During the 21-day fast, I didn't experience any pain. Actually, my cycle completely skipped a month. I went to the gynecologist and she explained that sudden vegan diets often do that. Our moms have said for years they're putting too many hormones in the meat. Turns out, it might be true.
Water Makes Everything Better
Apparently, I drink a lot of my calories. During the fast, I was unable to consume any sugary drinks so that was replaced by nonstop water. That process made me limit my juice intake and realize how much better I feel hydrated. Oh, and the clear skin is an added bonus as well.
Cooking Saves Money
In college, I ate a lot of fast food. Now, while I have graduated to mostly restaurants, I still eat out too much. At the conclusion of the fast, I noticed my checking account was doing a lot better than it usually is. Not only does cooking help you eat better, it saves so much money. If you're looking for a way to make your dollars stretch, delete the take-out app sis.
At the conclusion of the fast, I had lost 15 pounds. But that's not what I was happiest about. It was the renewed spirit I developed.
I felt accomplished and felt spiritually stronger. I even kept a few of the habits. I limit how much meat I eat within a week, make sure to keep a water bottle throughout the work day, and have even attempted a few Pinterest recipes. The physical feeling was great but what stuck with me most is the mental and emotional changes. Thoughts like "I'll get through this" replace ones like "I can't believe this is happening." I also try and remember to have faith that things will manifest the way they're supposed to.
Overall, it encouraged me to look inward instead of seeking a distraction when I feel stressed or overwhelmed.
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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