With phrases like "if he wanted to, he would" becoming the default for measuring a man’s interest or intentions in modern dating, I have recently found myself wondering, if he wanted to commit, what would that actually look like?
Through conversations over the years and my own experiences, I’ve come to understand that an intentional man is exactly that, intentional. You don’t have to guess where he stands on commitment because his actions make it clear. What's understood doesn't need to be explained. And any confusion in connections associated with a lack of clarity doesn't exist.
Yet, in many relationships, we instinctively look to men to set the pace. They define the relationship and they decide when to move things forward, from exclusivity to proposals and beyond. But just because we decide to take the "follower" role to them as leaders and operate in the feminine mode of receiving instead of chasing doesn't mean we have to wait in vain.
Vetting the men in our lives is just as important as recognizing their ability to lead in relationships. And if being commitment-minded is a top priority for you, here are some signs to look for in a man who is ready for a commitment.
1.He Talks About Commitment
Abc Love GIF by The BacheloretteGiphyUndeniably the biggest sign that a man is ready for commitment is that he talks about commitment. But here's the kicker, that commitment talk is grounded in action, not just words. "I want something serious" is followed by consistent movement towards you that doesn't wax or wane due to time passing or a busy schedule.
Some men might start off strong but fade off into inconsistent effort. Others might be love-bombers making grandiose statements early on with no true intention of building something real aside from playing the game. Whether it's planning a trip together, deeper conversations about life, or long-term plans, a commitment-ready man talks about these topics naturally and without force and backs it up by following through.
And that's the sign of a man who is committed. He shows you who he is by aligning his words with steady, consistent actions over time.
2.He Integrates You Into His Life With Ease
A man who is ready for commitment prioritizes integrating you into his life. From making long-term plans to introducing you to his circle to considering you when making decisions, you're not treated like an after-thought, or like someone he only makes time for when it's convenient. He treats you like a priority, not an option.
He doesn't keep you at arm's length, he actively brings you into his world and he follows through with real integration into his daily life. The commitment-ready man includes you and doesn't just sell you a dream of what could be; he shows you through consistent action the reality of what will be.
3.He Shares His Inner World
GiphyVulnerability is a verb and a man ready for a commitment is well aware of that fact. Just as he brings you into his outer world, he lets you into his inner world, sharing things like his dreams, fears, past experiences, etc. He isn't afraid of his vulnerability and isn't afraid to trust you with his emotions. A commitment-ready man is an emotionally available one, so he can also create emotional space for you that is secure enough to support you in bringing up concerns, having tough conversations, and requiring emotional security.
A commitment-ready man also doesn't save his vulnerability for moments of crisis or in a way that's transactional like to guilt-trip you or stop you from walking away. Instead, the groundwork for true emotional intimacy to thrive in your connection is an effort you're both making, even in everyday conversation.
4.He Resolves Conflict In Healthy Ways
All relationships have ebbs and flows, and another truth that people would rather not admit about relationships is conflict is a necessary part of them. I've heard couples who wear their admission about never fighting as a badge of honor. And while I believe what works for you works for you, I also believe in this quote: "A relationship’s strength is measured by how it weathers the storms, not just the sunny days."
Weathering the storm sometimes means there will be conflict, making healthy conflict resolution a necessity in relationships. A man who is ready for commitment knows this. So instead of stonewalling, withdrawing, or treating you like you're crazy for bringing up a concern, he is going to actively work with you to resolve issues together.
A committed man doesn't allow challenges to push him away from you, he leans in. He listens, he genuinely wants to understand your point of view on things, he acknowledges, and he takes accountability when needed.
5.He Is Comfortable Defining Things
If you've ever been stuck in limbo, you know it's not the place to be. Unsettled, unsure of where things are going, second-guessing his intentions for you, and therefore also second-guessing the connection. Whether it's hesitancy or avoidance or keeping things in a perpetual gray area of "going with the flow," a man does those things not because he is unsure, but because he isn't where you are. Otherwise, there'd be no limbo.
A man who is ready for commitment doesn't leave room for your question. His desires are clearly stated, as are his movement towards you and defining the relationship overall. He’s clear about what he wants, he doesn’t shy away from conversations about the future, and he doesn’t waver. Most importantly, he follows through on that clarity because commitment isn't something to avoid, it's something to build.
6.His Love for You Is Proactive and Not Reactive
Not going to lie, I am someone who loves a good love story where the central conflict is the man waiting until the last minute to go "get the girl" in some grandiose gesture where he finally professes his undying love for her. In real life though, I'm so good on that. However, it doesn't stop it from being how some men operate. Some men will only step up their efforts and energy when they feel you've pulled back your energy or have decided to walk away.
Those men suddenly feel a compulsion to try harder because the threat of losing you inspires their action. So then comes the affection, the presence, hell maybe even the presents to show you how much you mean to them. And that can be all well and good if the inspired action is something that's there to stay, but typically it doesn't lead to any long-term shifts.
A commitment-ready man though? He wouldn't wait until you're withdrawing to show you actions that are steady, intentional, and rooted in a desire to nurture the connection and therefore the relationship. His love isn't performative and it doesn't come from scarcity. He doesn't need a dramatic push to show up for you, he shows up for you consistently because he wants to.
Instead of waiting until the last minute to reassure you what is true to him, he makes you feel secure in all ways always. Speaking of which...
7.His Actions Are Secure
GiphySay it with me, commitment isn't about passion or chemistry, it's about stability. How do you feel when you are around this man? Does he make you feel calm, respected, and emotionally safe? Those are the signs of a man whose actions towards you make you feel consistently secure. Plus, he doesn't just wait to pull out all the stops to show you his intentions for you until you're fed up and ready to leave. And that my dear is a sign that you might be dealing with a man ready for commitment.
Unlike emotionally unsafe individuals, love-bombers, or users, the connection isn't riddled with high highs and low lows, shrouded in confusion, or an emotional rollercoaster where a willingness to overly accommodate or great sex blinds you to the glaring incompatibilities. If you're left wondering where you stand or if the slightest bump in the road means he'll pull away, that's a red flag. The man who is ready for you provides security in a variety of ways and does so consistently.
When it comes to matters of the heart, we are all works in progress striving to put that work into practice.
Even so, none of us ever really "arrive" at some perfect place where we have it all together and have it all figured out. We are all learning, growing, unlearning behaviors, and healing wounds through our relationships with other people. The signs above aren't an exhaustive list or a list meant to aid you in seeking perfection in another person. Instead, these signs are more about recognizing indicators of maturity, emotional health, and true readiness in a relationship while navigating the dating scene.
The true key is not to search for perfection in a potential partner but instead to look for consistency. A man who is ready for you might not always get it right, but he will always try. Most importantly, he is the kind of man who makes you feel secure through those efforts. Happy vetting, ladies!
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Camesha created the organization after her struggles with mental health and the lack of community she experienced. The Chicago native explains how she created Sista Afya to be rooted in “culturally grounded care.”
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“So at my organization, Sista Afya Community Care, we focus on providing mental health care through a cultural and gender lens,” she tells xoNecole. “So when we think about the term intersectionality, coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw, we think about the multiple identities that lead to certain experiences and outcomes as it relates to Black women.
“So in the context of culturally grounded care, being aware of the cultural history, the cultural values, and then also the current issues that impact mental health outcomes.”
Words like “strong” and “independent” have long been associated with Black women for some time and many of us have begun to embrace the soft life and are using rest as a form of resistance. However, some of us still struggle with putting ourselves first and overall shedding the tainted image of the “strong, Black woman” that had been forced on us.
Camesha shares that while there’s more and more communities being created around empowerment and shared interests like running, she still questions, “are Black women really comfortable with being vulnerable about sharing their experiences?”
Being vulnerable with ourselves and others play an important role in healing the instinctive nature of always being “on” for everyone. “I'm currently facilitating a group on high functioning depression, and yesterday, we talked about how when Black women may be struggling or have shared their concerns with other people. They may be minimized, or they're told to just be strong, or it's not so bad, or I went through something worse back in Jim Crow era, so you should be thankful,” she explains.
“So I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people. So that is probably a very common theme. I think we've made a lot of progress when we talk about the superwoman syndrome, the mammy stereotype, the working hard stereotype, the nurturing stereotype. I think we're beginning to unpack those things, but I still see that we have definitely a long way to go in that area.”
I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people.
Roman Samborskyi/ Shutterstock
While we’re unpacking those things, we know that we’re still women at the end of the day. So as we continue to serve in various roles like mothers, daughters, sisters, and caretakers, we have to make caring for ourselves a priority. Camesha reveals four ways we can still care for others without abandoning ourselves.
Trust
First things first, trust. Camesha explains, “Some of the burdens that Black women have can be linked to not feeling like you can trust people to carry the load with you.
“It's hard because people experience trauma or being let down or different experiences, but one of the things that I found personally is the more that I'm able to practice trust, the more I'm able to get my needs met. Then, to also show up as my best to care for other Black women.”
Know Your Limitations
Another thing Camesha highlighted is Black women knowing their limitations. “The other thing that I would like to bring up in terms of a way to care for yourself is to really know your limitations, or know how much you can give and what you need to receive,” she says.
“So often, what I see with Black women is giving, giving, giving, giving, giving to the point that you're not feeling well, and then not receiving what you need in return to be able to feel well and whole individually. So I really think it's important to know your limitations and know your capacity and to identify what it is that you need to be well.”
Don’t Take On A Lot Of Responsibilities
Next on the list is not taking on so many responsibilities, sharing herself as an example. “The other thing is taking on too much responsibility, especially in a time of vulnerability.
“One thing that I personally struggled with was being so passionate about community mental health for Black women, and saying yes to everything and taking on so much responsibility,” she reveals. “That affected me to do well in serving Black women and then also impacting my own well being.”
Practice Self-Care
Lastly, she notes the importance of practicing self-care. “The last thing is really practicing regular self care, regular community care, so that it's embedded into your daily life. So for me, having prepared meals, going to the gym, getting eight hours of sleep, spending time with friends and family, all of those things are part of my self care that keep me at my best,” she explains.
“Then community care, leaning into social networks or social groups, or spending time with other interests or hobbies. That's a part of my community care that keeps me going, so that I can take care of my needs, but also to be able to show up best in care for others.”
Find out more about Camesha and Sista Afya Community Care at communitycare.sistaafya.com.
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