You're Waiting On Your 'Boaz', But What If You Aren't A 'Ruth'?
Black love is such a beautiful thing. It's something that I aspire to have one of these days. When it comes to examples of black love, there are so many chocolate-dipped couples that give me hope; one in particular being Ciara and Russell Wilson. From afar, we all witnessed their love evolve, and all the girls wanted Ciara's prayer; word for word, verse for verse. Some people even equated their relationship as the modern-day "Ruth and Boaz".
The Ruth and Boaz Biblical narrative is #relationshipgoals in the faith community. A couple of years ago, I came across an interesting article entitled, "What If God Doesn't Send Your Boaz?" by Richelle Henry. Richelle provided insight regarding how your husband may not be a "Boaz-esque" man, but he may be like Jonah, Moses, or David, each of whom had flaws but were highly favored. So it got me thinking..."What if I am not a Ruth?" A woman who was hardworking, humble, submissive, and obedient. As I continued to chew on this thought, I did some Biblical research on some other women in the Bible who were perfectly flawed, but divinely directed.
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What If You Are A Rahab?
Rahab was a woman with a promiscuous past. She was a well-known prostitute. Men only sought after her for pleasure but overlooked her cleverness. Rahab was presented with an opportunity to hide Israelite spies in her home. When the king came looking for them, she lied. Now not only was she a prostitute, but a liar, character flaws that would welcome judgment and scrutiny. However, her fearlessness and quick wit saved her family from being captured and killed when the Israelites conquered Jericho. She went from being an outcast harlot to an applauded heroine. She would later become the mother of Boaz.
Maybe you're like Rahab, and there is more than meets the eye, and your past does not predict your future.
What If You Are An Esther?
Esther was a woman of undeniable beauty. So much so that it garnered the attention of King Xerxes, who was so enamored that he made Esther his wife. Unbeknownst to him, she was hiding a secret. She was beautiful on the surface but conflicted because she was concealing who she really was: a Jew. She knew that exposure could mean execution. When an unforeseen event caused her husband to command all Jews to be killed, Ester had a choice to make. She used her position and power to take action to save her people, even if it meant putting her life on the line.
Maybe you are like Esther, experiencing Imposter Syndrome, but "perhaps you are in a royal position for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14), to take action as an advocate and activist. To be a woman who sheds secrecy to stand confidently in who you truly are.
What If You Are A Deborah?
Deborah was an unconventional leader. She was the "Olivia Pope" of her time. She was a fixer, consultant, and a warrior. Her profession of a judge was unheard of during that time. It was a man's world, and women were to be seen and not heard. She delivered messages of prophecy to men who trusted her guidance and direction from God. Deborah's tenacity and power cultivated confidence in others. Where she led, others followed. Where there was war, she spoke victory.
Maybe you have a Deborah spirit that is so infectious that it awakens strength, resilience, and boldness in men and women.
What If You Are A Miriam?
Miriam was the older sister of Moses. When Pharaoh called for all infant boys to be drowned in the Nile river, Miriam and her mother said, "Nah." They placed Moses in a basket to float upstream outside of Pharaoh's palace, where his daughter frequently visited. Miriam secretly watched and stood guard for her brother to ensure his safety. She watched as the princess scooped a hungry Moses out of the basket and into her arms. Miriam saw an opportunity to ask the princess if she could assist in finding someone to nurse the hungry baby. Clever, right! I'm sure the princess was thinking, "Where did this little girl come from?" Miriam was her brother's keeper.
Maybe you're like Miriam who will go out of your way to protect our Black brothers. You'll do whatever it takes to provide support and relief to the hungry outcries of our Black men.
What If You Are A "Woman With The Issue Of Blood?"
This nameless woman speaks to the issues we all have, whatever they might be. The woman with the issue of blood suffered from continuous bleeding for twelve long years. In her affliction, she was relentless to find relief. In her distress, she stopped at nothing to pursue wellness. In her sickness, she was desperate for deliverance. When she heard that Jesus was in town, she stopped at nothing to get to Him. She maneuvered through the crowd of people to touch the hem of His garment. She knew that with a little bit of faith, and a lot of Jesus that the hemorrhaging in her body would cease.
Maybe you are like this woman who was afflicted but anointed. Hurt, but on the hunt to be healed from the wounds of your past, heartbreak, and trauma.
While Ruth is a woman to be admired, so are you. Just because you don't reflect her attributes, does not mean that your love story won't be just as beautiful as hers. God will align you with a man who will help you to elevate in your faith, propel you in your purpose, protect your heart, and soothe your pain.
You won't need Ciara's prayer, nor Ruth's playbook.
All you need is faith, knowing that God is writing and casting a love story that is uniquely yours.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How To Tell If You're Disciplining Your Child Or Seeking Revenge
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images