

We've all heard the saying, hindsight is 20/20. Well, as a bit of a play-on words, I'm going to share some insights from people who are out of their 20s, when it comes to what they wish they had strongly considered or known about sex, back when they were that age. The objective? Well, if you're currently in your 20s and reading this, I hope that you will, as my mother used to oftentimes say, "use discernment as your teacher". If you aren't in your 20s, I encourage you to reflect on if you've shifted some things on the sexual tip since you were that age. If so, why? Following the why, how has it served you?
When it comes to aging, we oftentimes discuss how maturity applies to things like work and relationships. Oh, but there needs to be room made for sexual evolution too. Today, seven men and seven women (first names have been changed to honor privacy) are going to reveal some of their greatest takeaways in seven different sex-related categories. Pour yourself a glass of wine. This should get interesting.
1. About Sex Drives in Their 20s
It probably comes as no surprise to you (especially if you are out of your 20s), that sex drives are their highest for men who are between the ages of 18-20. Women? 18-24. While there are many factors that can affect our libidos, since age tops the list, I wanted to know what some folks thought about their changing sex drive, now that they are older.
Imani, 32, Single.
"Girl, it's stupid to only think that men have high sex drives. To this day, mine is higher than most of the men that I've had sex with. But when I was in my 20s, I could go on four hours of sleep for days on end and still be down for sex on a daily basis. Not those quickies either. Now? I can still give you a run for your money, but I need a couple of nights of eight hours and a nap the day of! My libido is cool. My energy isn't what it used to be, though. I wish I had known then not to take all of that 'always in the mood' vibe for granted."
Dexter, 39, Engaged.
"Remember when you talked to me about andropause a few years back? I thought that was some BS until around my 37th birthday. Lawd. I don't know what it is about being almost 40 that brings new meaning to 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak'."
"I wish I had known in my 20s to enjoy my energy and stamina while it lasted because there are some nights when my brain has thought up all kinds of nasty stuff to do and my body is like, 'Goodnight'."
(Andropause is basically male menopause, by the way. You can read more about it here.)
2. About Orgasms in Their 20s
Do you know how many people have told me that they didn't even have their first orgasm until they were in their late 20s or early 30s? For women, it's because they were more focused on pleasing their partner than being pleased (youth, chile). For men, they weren't aware that pleasure could go beyond ejaculating. Here, two people break down what these revelations meant for them once they got older.
Eleni, 41, Married.
"I can't tell you how many orgasms I faked when I was in my 20s. I used to think that it was because I wasn't capable of having orgasms. Now I realize that a lot of those young boys didn't know what the hell they were doing. Once I hit around 33 or so, I decided that if my partner couldn't please me, he either needed to figure it out or we weren't a good fit. Since then, I stay in the climax zone. If I could tell my 20-year-old self anything about sex, it would be, 'Don't settle because you certainly don't have to' and 'You are more capable of cumming than you ever thought'."
Brenden, 35, Single.
"When you're a young guy, you think that ejaculating is the goal. An older woman in my late 20s put me on to game and I learned that men can have orgasms that feel better than just 'having a nut'. I'm not sure I needed to find that out earlier than I did, though. I probably would've been a real mess in these streets if I did!"
3. About Oral Sex in Their 20s
The first time a guy went down on me, I was barely 20 and he was a grad student. Shoot, even my first love didn't do it until many years later during some rebound sex. I did it to him, though, because I wanted to make him happy (another article for another time when it comes to how selfish he was at the time). Anyway, in your 20s, you're just thrilled if someone does it to you at all. Sometimes it takes years (and years) for you to come to the conclusion who is actually doing "it" right.
Lavon, 37, Married.
"Back when I was in my 20s, there was still such a stigma on oral sex. My parents never discussed it and my girlfriends who did it were lying about; that it didn't help. You can't convince me that it's not an intimate act, that it is sex and you should definitely select your sex partners wisely. But bay-bae…there is nothing more sexually empowering than knowing you can turn your partner totally out by taking him into your mouth. If I hadn't been so 'scary' back then, it wouldn't have taken me five years into my marriage to become a real head pro."
Jarone, 41, Divorce.
"In your 20s, I don't care if you're in the giving or receiving end, you think you're doing something if you've got your mouth down there."
"Oral sex is a skill. One that few have truly mastered."
"In my 20s, on the receiving end, I was just trying to see how many women I could get to do it whether I thought what they were doing was good or not. On the giving end, I was doing it because my partner did it to me. Now, I'm not interested in a woman who performs with hesitancy or worse, her ego. And when it comes to cunnilingus — I have spent many years mastering the technique. If she ain't damn near climbing the walls, I'm not doing it right. And at 41, I care more than I ever did when I was younger."
4. About Sex vs. Romance in Their 20s
Someone told me my freshman year of college to have sex off of the yard, as much as possible, if I wanted to keep folks out of my business. For the most part, I heeded that advice. However, the times when I did have sex in a dorm room — ugh. I shudder at the thought of ever doing that again. My point? When you're in your 20s, horniness can supersede things like ambiance, romance and remembering that the brain is the biggest sex organ there is, so the art of sexual seduction is mad important. Two people share their thoughts on just that.
Dianne, 45, Divorced.
"Do you know that I didn't have sex in a nice hotel room until I was in my mid-30s and that was after my divorce? WTF was that all about? I'll tell you."
"When you're young, you don't realize how much of a privilege it is for a man to be able to be inside of you. You get older and wiser and you know that if he doesn't sweep you off of your feet, he doesn't deserve to put you on your back."
"Spending a ton of money isn't the point I'm making but damn, romance a sistah. She's about to give you some of the best that she's got."
Gregory, 40, Married.
"Guys like romance. We like the seduction process. That's why we get so hype off of lingerie. But it's not like a lot of us are told about sex while growing up, let alone how to 'woo' a woman. In my 20s, wooing wasn't important and women didn't require it. I think that some ladies need to hear that last part. Once I hit around 31-32, I started to get into setting the scene and also expressing what I liked as far as getting in the mood too. Maturity teaches you that the right atmosphere can really set the tone."
5. About Sexual Attraction in Their 20s
Damn, we take a lot for granted when we're young. On the body tip, our higher metabolism, for starters. Plus, because a lot of us are in much better shape (because of things like youth and a strong metabolism), we think everyone should have a great body. Unfortunately, a lot of us don't require too much more as far as sexual attraction goes. As we age, we learn that there really should be more than what meets the eye — even when it comes to intimacy.
Andrea, 47, Divorced.
"I dated some fine ass men in my 20s, you hear me? Fine as hell. Whew. And most of them were real assholes. Sexually, they weren't much to brag about either because some folks think they look so good that they don't really have to bring their 'A' game. I wish I had known back then that sex is better, not when someone looks good; it's when they treat you right. We all have things that turn us on but when you get older, a lot of them have less to do with looks. I'd forfeit that six-pack for a good kisser and someone who knows how to romance me right. In my 20s, I would've said the opposite. Bless 'her' heart."
Michael, 33, Single.
"In your 20s, your sexual standards can be pretty shallow. I think we all can admit that. I think it's because if we get someone who looks like a model, it somehow makes us feel like we're more attractive too. While I still prefer being with a woman who takes care of herself, a little bit of a belly actually feels kinda good and stretch marks, right on the hips are kinda sexy. You start wanting real more than anything. I think that's my biggest lesson about it all."
6. About Casual Sex in Their 20s
I've shared in several articles on this platform what casual means (without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing; seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; apathetic; unconcerned; without emotional intimacy or commitment). I do it in hopes that folks will get that casual sex is more than a notion…because it is. Two people share with me/us what they wish they took into serious consideration about casual sex when they were younger.
Brooklyn, 30, Single.
"Here's what I think is so crazy about casual sex — you can still get pregnant or an STD from it, so how 'casual' is it really? I think something that happens when you get older is you realize that a lot of stuff comes with serious consequences."
"Look, I used to jump out of swings and trees when I was younger too and that could break a bone or worse. Looking back, some men were inside of my being who were not even close to being worthy. I just thought it was recreational, but sex is deeper than that. If I could go back and tell my 20-something self anything, it would be that even condoms can't protect you from some of the bulls — t that men will put you through once they've had your parts. I'd use way more caution. With sex, it's too weighty to just 'keep it casual'."
Vashawn, 42, Divorced.
"If you're waiting for me to say that I regretted having casual sex when I was younger, you'll be waiting forever. I don't. I do regret certain activities that I did with certain women, though. I know a lot of y'all think that we [men] have no levels when it comes to sex but that's a lie. Now that I'm back single again, there are some women I'll engage in intercourse with and that's it. Oral sex? Oh, we've gotta be a couple of steps up from casual for that to go down. There's nothing wrong with casual sex. You've just got to remember that it's still sex and you need to think through what kind of sex you want to have with casual partners. That's where I'm at now."
7. About Committed Sex in Their 20s
Something that I tell some of my clients (especially the super religious ones) is a lot of singles aren't interested in waiting until marriage to have sex because so many married folks are a crappy example of that type of union (real talk). It's like singles are literally terrified of committing their world to someone else, only to end up with less fun, happiness and sex than when they didn't share a house and name with someone else. The point? Married couples, we're watching you. Give us something good to look at. With that said, two people share their thoughts on committed sex now in comparison to when they were younger.
Stephanie, 33, Engaged.
"Only two men have ever given me an orgasm — my first love and my fiancé. I've spent a little bit of time trying to figure out why. The conclusion I've come to is they are the only two men who completely had all of me. When you can trust someone fully, you can give your all and that makes the sex absolutely unreal. As far as what I would tell my 20-year-old self about all of this, it's weird because I was 18 when my first love and I started having sex. Well, I take that back. I think I would tell 'me' that those other guys? The lack of orgasms wasn't about anything physical; you just weren't in sync with them. Sex is better when you are with another person, so wait for that."
Dion, 38, Married.
"No man with a brain and a conscience is gonna say that non-committed sex is better than sex when you're in a real emotional zone with someone. Now, what we will say is sometimes we miss casual sex because all of the stuff that happens outside of the bedroom can feel like it's not worth it. But when you love a woman, she holds you down, you've been through some real things and there is a sexual chemistry — she runs circles around the rest of these women. In my 20s, I didn't want to be committed, so that wasn't my focus. What I would tell that version of me is sex in a serious relationship is worth it. Don't let your crazy friends who've never experienced it tell you otherwise."
There you have it. 14 people sharing what they would share with their younger self. It can't be said enough that life is about growth. Bottom line, make sure that you're growing as a person, when it comes to your sex life too. Nothing should be stagnant or it's counterproductive. Remember that.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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A Celebration Of Black Voices: What You Missed At The 3rd Annual Black Effect Podcast Festival
Over the weekend, iHeart Radio held its third annual Black Effect Podcast Festival in Atlanta, attracting a star-studded lineup of personalities and shows. Charlamagne tha God, founder of the Black Effect podcast network was in attendance along with other notable personalities like Mandii B and Weezy WTF, the hosts of the popular Decisions, Decisions podcast, who also served as the festival's hosts.
Sarah Jakes Roberts, the esteemed pastor and host of Woman Evolve podcast, singers and co-hosts of the R&B Money podcast, Tank and J. Valentine, former NFL star and Funky Friday host Cam Newton and many more further rounded out the festivals' lineup.
The festival hosted panels that focused on mental health and the future of podcasting as well as many live shows. Good Moms, Bad Choices hosts, Erica and Milah, welcomed Dreka Gates and held a live dating show that was nothing short of hilarious. Naked Sports host Cari Champion sat down with Iman Shumpert and they discussed sports and dating.
Tank and J. Valentine surprised the audience with Jacquees, Cam had a live conversation with Real Housewives of Atlanta star Porsha Williams, and Sarah closed out the festival with reality star Toya Johnson. Check out photos from the festival below:
(L-R) Shawn Bethea, Jay Barnett, Devi Brown, Charlamagne tha God and Amber Grimes
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Jamilah Mapp, Dreka Gates and Erica Dickerson
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Mandii B and Weezy WTF
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Porsha Williams and Cam Newton
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Iman Shumpert and Cari Champion
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
Tank, Jacquees and J. Valentine
Photo by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network
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Feature image by Derek White/Getty Images for iHeartMedia and The Black Effect Podcast Network