7 Men & 7 Women Share What They Wish They Knew About Sex In Their 20s
We've all heard the saying, hindsight is 20/20. Well, as a bit of a play-on words, I'm going to share some insights from people who are out of their 20s, when it comes to what they wish they had strongly considered or known about sex, back when they were that age. The objective? Well, if you're currently in your 20s and reading this, I hope that you will, as my mother used to oftentimes say, "use discernment as your teacher". If you aren't in your 20s, I encourage you to reflect on if you've shifted some things on the sexual tip since you were that age. If so, why? Following the why, how has it served you?
When it comes to aging, we oftentimes discuss how maturity applies to things like work and relationships. Oh, but there needs to be room made for sexual evolution too. Today, seven men and seven women (first names have been changed to honor privacy) are going to reveal some of their greatest takeaways in seven different sex-related categories. Pour yourself a glass of wine. This should get interesting.
1. About Sex Drives in Their 20s
It probably comes as no surprise to you (especially if you are out of your 20s), that sex drives are their highest for men who are between the ages of 18-20. Women? 18-24. While there are many factors that can affect our libidos, since age tops the list, I wanted to know what some folks thought about their changing sex drive, now that they are older.
Imani, 32, Single.
"Girl, it's stupid to only think that men have high sex drives. To this day, mine is higher than most of the men that I've had sex with. But when I was in my 20s, I could go on four hours of sleep for days on end and still be down for sex on a daily basis. Not those quickies either. Now? I can still give you a run for your money, but I need a couple of nights of eight hours and a nap the day of! My libido is cool. My energy isn't what it used to be, though. I wish I had known then not to take all of that 'always in the mood' vibe for granted."
Dexter, 39, Engaged.
"Remember when you talked to me about andropause a few years back? I thought that was some BS until around my 37th birthday. Lawd. I don't know what it is about being almost 40 that brings new meaning to 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak'."
"I wish I had known in my 20s to enjoy my energy and stamina while it lasted because there are some nights when my brain has thought up all kinds of nasty stuff to do and my body is like, 'Goodnight'."
(Andropause is basically male menopause, by the way. You can read more about it here.)
2. About Orgasms in Their 20s
Do you know how many people have told me that they didn't even have their first orgasm until they were in their late 20s or early 30s? For women, it's because they were more focused on pleasing their partner than being pleased (youth, chile). For men, they weren't aware that pleasure could go beyond ejaculating. Here, two people break down what these revelations meant for them once they got older.
Eleni, 41, Married.
"I can't tell you how many orgasms I faked when I was in my 20s. I used to think that it was because I wasn't capable of having orgasms. Now I realize that a lot of those young boys didn't know what the hell they were doing. Once I hit around 33 or so, I decided that if my partner couldn't please me, he either needed to figure it out or we weren't a good fit. Since then, I stay in the climax zone. If I could tell my 20-year-old self anything about sex, it would be, 'Don't settle because you certainly don't have to' and 'You are more capable of cumming than you ever thought'."
Brenden, 35, Single.
"When you're a young guy, you think that ejaculating is the goal. An older woman in my late 20s put me on to game and I learned that men can have orgasms that feel better than just 'having a nut'. I'm not sure I needed to find that out earlier than I did, though. I probably would've been a real mess in these streets if I did!"
3. About Oral Sex in Their 20s
The first time a guy went down on me, I was barely 20 and he was a grad student. Shoot, even my first love didn't do it until many years later during some rebound sex. I did it to him, though, because I wanted to make him happy (another article for another time when it comes to how selfish he was at the time). Anyway, in your 20s, you're just thrilled if someone does it to you at all. Sometimes it takes years (and years) for you to come to the conclusion who is actually doing "it" right.
Lavon, 37, Married.
"Back when I was in my 20s, there was still such a stigma on oral sex. My parents never discussed it and my girlfriends who did it were lying about; that it didn't help. You can't convince me that it's not an intimate act, that it is sex and you should definitely select your sex partners wisely. But bay-bae…there is nothing more sexually empowering than knowing you can turn your partner totally out by taking him into your mouth. If I hadn't been so 'scary' back then, it wouldn't have taken me five years into my marriage to become a real head pro."
Jarone, 41, Divorce.
"In your 20s, I don't care if you're in the giving or receiving end, you think you're doing something if you've got your mouth down there."
"Oral sex is a skill. One that few have truly mastered."
"In my 20s, on the receiving end, I was just trying to see how many women I could get to do it whether I thought what they were doing was good or not. On the giving end, I was doing it because my partner did it to me. Now, I'm not interested in a woman who performs with hesitancy or worse, her ego. And when it comes to cunnilingus — I have spent many years mastering the technique. If she ain't damn near climbing the walls, I'm not doing it right. And at 41, I care more than I ever did when I was younger."
4. About Sex vs. Romance in Their 20s
Someone told me my freshman year of college to have sex off of the yard, as much as possible, if I wanted to keep folks out of my business. For the most part, I heeded that advice. However, the times when I did have sex in a dorm room — ugh. I shudder at the thought of ever doing that again. My point? When you're in your 20s, horniness can supersede things like ambiance, romance and remembering that the brain is the biggest sex organ there is, so the art of sexual seduction is mad important. Two people share their thoughts on just that.
Dianne, 45, Divorced.
"Do you know that I didn't have sex in a nice hotel room until I was in my mid-30s and that was after my divorce? WTF was that all about? I'll tell you."
"When you're young, you don't realize how much of a privilege it is for a man to be able to be inside of you. You get older and wiser and you know that if he doesn't sweep you off of your feet, he doesn't deserve to put you on your back."
"Spending a ton of money isn't the point I'm making but damn, romance a sistah. She's about to give you some of the best that she's got."
Gregory, 40, Married.
"Guys like romance. We like the seduction process. That's why we get so hype off of lingerie. But it's not like a lot of us are told about sex while growing up, let alone how to 'woo' a woman. In my 20s, wooing wasn't important and women didn't require it. I think that some ladies need to hear that last part. Once I hit around 31-32, I started to get into setting the scene and also expressing what I liked as far as getting in the mood too. Maturity teaches you that the right atmosphere can really set the tone."
5. About Sexual Attraction in Their 20s
Damn, we take a lot for granted when we're young. On the body tip, our higher metabolism, for starters. Plus, because a lot of us are in much better shape (because of things like youth and a strong metabolism), we think everyone should have a great body. Unfortunately, a lot of us don't require too much more as far as sexual attraction goes. As we age, we learn that there really should be more than what meets the eye — even when it comes to intimacy.
Andrea, 47, Divorced.
"I dated some fine ass men in my 20s, you hear me? Fine as hell. Whew. And most of them were real assholes. Sexually, they weren't much to brag about either because some folks think they look so good that they don't really have to bring their 'A' game. I wish I had known back then that sex is better, not when someone looks good; it's when they treat you right. We all have things that turn us on but when you get older, a lot of them have less to do with looks. I'd forfeit that six-pack for a good kisser and someone who knows how to romance me right. In my 20s, I would've said the opposite. Bless 'her' heart."
Michael, 33, Single.
"In your 20s, your sexual standards can be pretty shallow. I think we all can admit that. I think it's because if we get someone who looks like a model, it somehow makes us feel like we're more attractive too. While I still prefer being with a woman who takes care of herself, a little bit of a belly actually feels kinda good and stretch marks, right on the hips are kinda sexy. You start wanting real more than anything. I think that's my biggest lesson about it all."
6. About Casual Sex in Their 20s
I've shared in several articles on this platform what casual means (without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing; seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; apathetic; unconcerned; without emotional intimacy or commitment). I do it in hopes that folks will get that casual sex is more than a notion…because it is. Two people share with me/us what they wish they took into serious consideration about casual sex when they were younger.
Brooklyn, 30, Single.
"Here's what I think is so crazy about casual sex — you can still get pregnant or an STD from it, so how 'casual' is it really? I think something that happens when you get older is you realize that a lot of stuff comes with serious consequences."
"Look, I used to jump out of swings and trees when I was younger too and that could break a bone or worse. Looking back, some men were inside of my being who were not even close to being worthy. I just thought it was recreational, but sex is deeper than that. If I could go back and tell my 20-something self anything, it would be that even condoms can't protect you from some of the bulls — t that men will put you through once they've had your parts. I'd use way more caution. With sex, it's too weighty to just 'keep it casual'."
Vashawn, 42, Divorced.
"If you're waiting for me to say that I regretted having casual sex when I was younger, you'll be waiting forever. I don't. I do regret certain activities that I did with certain women, though. I know a lot of y'all think that we [men] have no levels when it comes to sex but that's a lie. Now that I'm back single again, there are some women I'll engage in intercourse with and that's it. Oral sex? Oh, we've gotta be a couple of steps up from casual for that to go down. There's nothing wrong with casual sex. You've just got to remember that it's still sex and you need to think through what kind of sex you want to have with casual partners. That's where I'm at now."
7. About Committed Sex in Their 20s
Something that I tell some of my clients (especially the super religious ones) is a lot of singles aren't interested in waiting until marriage to have sex because so many married folks are a crappy example of that type of union (real talk). It's like singles are literally terrified of committing their world to someone else, only to end up with less fun, happiness and sex than when they didn't share a house and name with someone else. The point? Married couples, we're watching you. Give us something good to look at. With that said, two people share their thoughts on committed sex now in comparison to when they were younger.
Stephanie, 33, Engaged.
"Only two men have ever given me an orgasm — my first love and my fiancé. I've spent a little bit of time trying to figure out why. The conclusion I've come to is they are the only two men who completely had all of me. When you can trust someone fully, you can give your all and that makes the sex absolutely unreal. As far as what I would tell my 20-year-old self about all of this, it's weird because I was 18 when my first love and I started having sex. Well, I take that back. I think I would tell 'me' that those other guys? The lack of orgasms wasn't about anything physical; you just weren't in sync with them. Sex is better when you are with another person, so wait for that."
Dion, 38, Married.
"No man with a brain and a conscience is gonna say that non-committed sex is better than sex when you're in a real emotional zone with someone. Now, what we will say is sometimes we miss casual sex because all of the stuff that happens outside of the bedroom can feel like it's not worth it. But when you love a woman, she holds you down, you've been through some real things and there is a sexual chemistry — she runs circles around the rest of these women. In my 20s, I didn't want to be committed, so that wasn't my focus. What I would tell that version of me is sex in a serious relationship is worth it. Don't let your crazy friends who've never experienced it tell you otherwise."
There you have it. 14 people sharing what they would share with their younger self. It can't be said enough that life is about growth. Bottom line, make sure that you're growing as a person, when it comes to your sex life too. Nothing should be stagnant or it's counterproductive. Remember that.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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What Astrology Can Reveal About Your Relationship With Your Father
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
The Sun in Astrology represents your personality, ego, and purpose, and your father and your relationship with him. Depending on what sign the Sun was in when you were born, you can dive deeper into the correlation between who you are and your experience with your father or the father figure in your life, as your sun sign represents your father’s traits and how you perceive him. You can see the strengths and significance of your relationship with your dad, where challenges may be more likely, and how to navigate this energy in life.
When diving deeper into the dynamics of your family, where you come from, and how to understand more about this aspect of your life, Astrology can point you toward clarity.
The Sun Sign and The Relationship With Your Father
When looking at your relationship with your parents overall, you want to look at your moon sign for your mom , and your sun sign for your dad. You look at your 4th house for your home life and quality of it, your 5th house for your children, and your 7th house for your marriage. The sun sign, however, and the house your Sun is in, is telling when it comes to your relationship with your father and highlights where you shine in life and where this comes from.
What Your Sun Sign Says About Your Relationship With Your Father
For example, Leo Suns tend to have very outgoing fathers who take a lot of pride in their children. Pisces Suns tend to have more creative, emotional, yet maybe a little more distant dad who takes on a more vulnerable role in their life. It makes sense that your sun sign also rules your personality and goals in life because a lot of the time, this stems from what we learned when we were younger and who led us towards these types of revelations, which often come from the father figure in our lives.
By understanding your Sun sign deeper, you can better navigate how your father shows up, how you perceive him, and what you need and value from this connection.
Read for your Sun sign below to learn more about your father and to find out more insights about your relationship with your father.
Aries Sun Relationship With Their Father
Your dad is most likely very high-energy and active, and you may take on a lot of the physical traits of your father. He has a strong sense of self, is independent, and prefers to be the leader of the family. He could be someone who is a little impatient and who doesn’t beat around the bush. He says exactly what is on his mind and may be a little short-tempered.
Your father was most likely always on the go, but also someone encouraging you to follow your goals, focus on yourself, pursue sports, and overall have a direction in life. Aries tend to have more masculine-energy fathers.
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Taurus Sun Relationship With Their Father
As a Taurus Sun, your father is dependable and someone you can rely on. He is someone who is focused on the stability and financial security of the family, and someone who took on a lot of responsibilities. He could be a really good gift giver or love to spoil you with gifts or financial investments. Your father could also be very stubborn and strong-willed, and it can be hard to get through to him at times as well.
His biggest concern is making sure you are comfortable and safe, and does a lot in life to make this so for you. Your dad tends to be someone who makes you feel stable.
Gemini Sun Relationship With Their Father
With a Gemini Sun, your father is likely more of a wildcard in your life. He is creative and communicative but may be hard to pin down and truly understand. He is someone who has a lot going on in his life at once and can be a bit emotionally distant. He may be busy a lot or have a somewhat detached sort of personality.
He is not someone you would necessarily go to about your emotions, but someone who you can always count on to make you laugh and lighten the mood. Your father is most likely someone with high intelligence and someone clever and fun.
Cancer Sun Relationship With Their Father
As a Cancer Sun, your father tends to be nurturing, supportive, and emotional. He is someone who is more prone to mood swings and tends to keep to himself a little more than most. He may be somewhat overprotective of you, and he prefers to keep his family close. He is someone who is there for you when you need him and is often your go-to person in life.
You see your dad as someone who is nurturing and compassionate, and you tend to like to spend time with him or be around his energy. Your dad is someone who shows he cares in the little ways.
Leo Sun Relationship With Their Father
As a Leo Sun, you are someone who most likely looks up to your father or the father figure in your life. You have a lot of respect for your father and may even see him as a hero.
Your dad is someone who is confident, prideful, and fun. He is someone you see as gregarious and successful and someone you tend to put on a pedestal in your life.
Your dad may also be highly connected to his ego and may have problems with anger issues or abrasive energy. Your relationship with your dad may change a lot as you get older, as you try to create a life of your own and move out of your father’s shadow and strong influence.
Virgo Sun Sun Relationship With Their Father
Your dad may be meticulous, hard-working, and detail-oriented, Virgo Sun. He may be a little hard on you or someone who has very high expectations for you and the family. He is someone who is very encouraging of you to go after your goals and put in the effort, and he is somewhat predictable for you as well.
He likes for things to be clean and orderly in the home and may put this same type of expectation on you, too. He may be the person in your life who demands a lot from you or who will put some extra responsibilities on your shoulders.
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Libra Sun Relationship With Their Father
As a Libra Sun, your father is the peacekeeper in the family and tries to create a harmonious life. He is someone who can see all points of view, and he is the mediator that everyone goes to. Your father may have a more feminine energy; he has good taste and is outgoing. He is the type of dad you can go shopping with, and he’d have fun doing it.
He is someone who may be a bit passive-aggressive, as he is not one for confrontation and doesn’t like having disagreements with you or others. He may also be someone who is hard to get a hold of or a little unstable and flaky.
Scorpio Sun Relationship With Their Father
Your dad is fun, optimistic, and generally positive, Scorpio Sun. He likes to be active, travel, and explore the world, and sees himself as someone adventurous. He is most likely well-educated, intelligent, and someone who teaches you a lot about life and encourages your educational pursuits as well.
Your dad is very in tune with his fun and youthful side, Scorpio Sun, and he is the guy that everyone loves. He may have a different background than your mother or where you are from and, overall, has a lot of insight to share with you in life.
Capricorn Sun Relationship With Their Father
Your father is someone who is very headstrong and capable, Capricorn Sun. He is someone who taught you early on in life that you can do anything you put your mind to with hard work and logic, and he is a very no-bullshit type of dad.
He is someone who pushes you to be the best that you can be, and he puts a lot of responsibilities on your plate because he believes you can handle it.
He most likely instilled some traditions in you that he grew up with, and he is a more nostalgic father. He is big on legacy and wants to make the family name proud.
Aquarius Sun Relationship With Their Father
Aquarius Sun, your father is someone who you find different from most fathers. He is unique, nontraditional, and inspiring for you, and you most likely have a good friendship with him as well. He is someone who encourages you to think outside of the box and to use your mind more than anything.
He could, however, be a little unpredictable, and someone a little more distant, and it’s difficult to know what to expect with him. You may take on a lot of your father’s more different or unusual traits, and he is someone who shapes your future a lot in life.
Pisces Sun Relationship With Their Father
Your dad is more emotional, creative, distant, and moody. He may be an artist, a musician, or someone who has a more creative career. Your dad is someone who shares how much you mean to him, someone inspiring, and someone who is compassionate towards you, Pisces Sun.
However, there could also be some issues with substance abuse, escapism, or not feeling stability with your father. He is someone who is vague and may not have very much influence in your life or someone who you see very often. You may feel very vulnerable around your father or see him in a weaker sense in life.
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