Why Couples Should Engage In "Midnight Sex" More Often
Something that I try to mention, as much as possible, especially when it comes to married and long-term couples is, if you want to go the distance, it's not just the "big things" that you've got to stay up on; it's the little things too. Something as simple as you being a morning person while your partner is a night owl can affect everything from quality of sleep to quality time to your sex life. That's why, when it comes to couples who have different sleep patterns who still want to have a fulfilling sexual dynamic, I'm all about encouraging them to do what is at the foundation for all successful relationships — compromise. Sometimes that means that an alarm clock needs to be set or someone needs to initiate some, umm, stuff (more on that in a bit) in order to get the juices flowing (pun intended and not intended).
Today, let's talk about why the clock should, at times, be set for midnight. Because again, whether that's when you're already in your REM state of sleep or it's when you're binging on your favorite TV series, there are some special and specific reasons why "partaking" when the clock strikes 12 that can make already-spooning-naked with your partner totally worth your while.
1. Have You Ever Been Awakened to “Receiving”? Whew, Chile.
I know that a fair share of men read our content because many of them have written me, so if any of you happen to be peeking into this article, it's not that we women don't enjoy being awakened out of our slumber. It's that some of y'all need to shift the way that you do it. Asking us over and over again if we're asleep when it's abundantly clear that we are or jabbing us with your erected friend isn't exactly our definition of seductive. Now what will get us going is awakening us with a kiss on one of our erogenous zones or taking a little trip to our treasure trove (so to speak).
From what I've read and researched, we tend to spend somewhere around two hours a night dreaming and it's not uncommon for those dreams to have a sex theme. I've personally experienced dreaming about copulation only to be awakened to some cunnilingus and chile...CHILE. Ain't nothing like that killer of a combo! (And yes, I am yelling it!)
So yeah, this goes to the fellas and us ladies — one of the best things about having sex at midnight is the amazing ways that we can wake up our partner or be awakened by them. Y'all betta ask somebody.
2. You Tend to Be Calmer
Something that naturally tends to happen whenever you're feeling anxiety on some level is your cortisol (your stress hormone) spikes which can do many things to your system — one of them being that it can cause your libido to tank. Let me tell it, that's why a lot of couples don't have as much sex as they should. They've been running around all day, only to come home to get ready for the next day. Then, once they get into bed, they are so exhausted that, while the spirit may be willing, the flesh is indeed weak.
How about this, though? Say that you fall asleep at 10 p.m. and then purpose in your mind to get up at 12 a.m. so that you can indulge your partner for 30 minutes (maybe more). Since you got a two-hour nap in, you'll automatically be calmer and somewhat rested and that can make participating in sexual activity so much better. For you both.
3. You’re Less Distracted
One of my favorite things about doing anything in the middle of the night is the world is quiet. No traffic on the street. No people blowing up my phone. Shoot, even the internet (i.e., social media) is slower (as far as there being less traffic). And when you're less distracted that makes it easier to focus on one thing — and one thing only. And when you are truly present during sex, that makes it so much more intense and satisfying. Right?
4. It Can Be Super Spontaneous
A theatrical producer by the name of Wei Wu Wei once said, "Spontaneity is being present in the present." I adore everything about that frame of mind because it's a reminder to treat every single minute as if it is something special, precious, and worthy of making the most of. Sex is not exempt here either because rather than always pulling out a calendar to see when you and yours can "fit it in", imagine just rolling over in the middle of the night and being like, "Damn, I love this man. I've gotta have him now because now is all that matters to me." (Cue Darius Lovehall inLove Jones) When sex is very "in the moment", it tends to be passionate, electric, erotic, steamy, and just all-around rapturous in the very best ways possible! You have to try it out to truly know.
5. It’s Romantic As All Get Out
I once heard someone say that romance is all about being very intentional in how you express your love. I agree, which is why I penned "What Does It Truly Mean When Someone's 'Romantic'?," "10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home)," and "Tonight's The Night For A Really Romantic Sexual Experience" once upon a time for the site. And when you are super affectionate with your partner in the middle of the night, you surprise them with a small token that expresses how you feel about them, you massage that area of their body that they mentioned was sore earlier in the day, you whisper how special they are to you in their ear — you do something that lets them know that you feel so blessed to be with them, yes, at midnight, that can be really romantic which can cause things to get really sexy…really quickly.
6. You’re Typically Hornier During a Full Moon
Yes, the moon is up and out way before midnight (especially during the fall and winter months). Still, I am a BIG TIME A Different World fan and I remember Denise once telling Dwayne that her idea of romance was being awakened by her partner in the middle of the night, just to look at the moon (I can totally dig that!). You know, aside from how sweet cuddling up in the light of a full moon can be, there are also studies to support that a lot of us ovulate around that time (which makes us hornier and more fertile) and, because there is a stronger gravitational pull altogether, that can cause our arousal levels to significantly increase as well.
So, even if you're on the fence about trying this midnight thing out any other time, at least do it on a full moon. December 2021's happens on the 7th. You can find 2022's calendar right here. You're welcome. #wink
7. It’s a Great Morning Conversation Starter
There are plenty of studies out in cyberspace that point to the fact that the way you choose to start your day can really set the tone for how your day continues and even ends. And while this is definitely a cosign for morning sex (including morning quickies), it can be for midnight sex too because say that you have sex from midnight until 1 a.m. and then you and your boo up for the rest of the evening.
You're able to get more rest. Your oxytocin levels will be higher because you'll feel closer to (and safer with) your partner. You may even sleep in an extra 15-20 minutes or use those early sunrise hours as your pillow talk time to share how he sure did put it down last night (cue Jill Scott). And when you're well-rested, when you feel connected to your partner and the sex just a few hours ago was bomb? How can that not have you walking on air the next day?
8. You’re Already Naked…RIGHT?
Last year, another writer for this platform penned, "Yes, Sleeping Naked Could Help Your Anxiety & Sleep Pattern." Listen, other than when I'm on my period (for obvious reasons, I'm thinking), I have been sleeping naked for years now and I can't imagine doing it any other way. I feel freer. I'm not as hot. And it gives "her" some time to breathe. And back when I had a man in my bed? Wheeeeew-weeeee. Something about that skin-to-skin action, even in a sleeping state, is top-tier! And when you've got all those biceps, that chest, and those strong legs wrapped around you, how could you NOT pass up the chance to let a lil' sumthin' sumthin' slide in during the midnight hour?
Listen, I may have sold you, I may have not. But you can't convince me that having some midnight sex, at least a couple of times each month, isn't the key to taking your sex life to another level. Talk about making the most of what bumps around in the night, chile. *exhale*
Featured image by Giphy
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images