Sometimes I get asked, what's the one thing that I wish women would master, when it comes to matters of the heart. It might surprise you, what tops the list, pretty much every time—knowing the difference between when you are setting a boundary and when you are operating out of sheer bitterness. What's unfortunate is, this topic seems to be tackled so little, that when it comes to understanding what boundaries vs. bitterness means, very few seem to be able to make clear distinctions. In fact, the irony is that, more times than not, what someone calls a "boundary", it is the direct result of something that happened that made them, well, bitter. What's even more ironic than that is, if we had set boundaries in the first place—purely out of the desire to love ourselves as well as possible and not as a knee-jerk reaction to pain—we could probably avoid many of the things that resulted in us becoming bitter in the long run. Here's what I mean by that.
What a Relationship Without Boundaries (Typically) Looks Like
Take the last relationship—whether it was romantic, a friendship or even work-related—that totally disappointed you, for example. When you stop and think about all that went down, did a part of your devastation ultimately have to do with having a lack of boundaries? If you're not sure, here are some signs you probably didn't establish as many boundaries as you should've before the relationship ever began:
- You felt taken for granted
- You didn't speak up when you should have
- You were the one who did most of the giving or most of the work
- You constantly said "yes", even when you didn't want to
- You allowed your own feelings and needs to be dismissed
- You engaged in controlling and/or manipulative and/or gaslighting tactics far too much
- The situation ultimately did more harm than good
If any of these things happened, my condolences. No, I mean it.
I totally know what it's like to be in an unhealthy relationship, all because the situation lacked firm and healthy boundaries. Know what else? I also know what it's like to be so out of touch with why boundaries are necessary that I allowed the "fallout" of the dynamic to leave me bitter. In other words, I know what it's like to spend so much time blaming the person for what they did (or didn't do) that I never took ownership for it being, in part, due to never having set boundaries with them from day one.
Coming to that conclusion was a big reality check for me. But you know what? It also made it easier to forgive those who hurt me, to work past the bitterness and get to a place of not putting myself in similar forms of toxicity. I'm telling you, you start to enter into the world of "big girl relationships" when you stop being so mad at what someone did to you and, instead, as an act of self-love, start spending time wondering what you can do to avoid feeling disappointed and disillusioned all of the time. And sis, that starts with knowing the difference between boundaries (being relationally proactive) and bitterness (being relationally reactive).
How to Know a Relationship Has Left You Bitter
There is a Scripture in the Bible (Hebrews 12:15) that warns us that bitterness can cause trouble. After checking out some of the indications of what bitterness looks like, I'm sure you'll be able to see why:
- Bitter people can't forgive and they hold grudges
- Bitter people remain stagnant in their pain
- Bitter people generalize everyone
- Bitter people misdirect their hurt, frustration or anger
- Bitter people dish out what they can't take
- Bitter people don't know how to compromise
- Bitter people have an "all or nothing" mentality; even when it's unrealistic to be that way
- Bitter people are ungrateful
- Bitter people make mountains out of molehills
- Bitter people tend to be hypocritical (they contradict themselves…a lot)
There's not nearly enough time or space to touch on all of these points, but let's look at how a few of them can cause people to think that they are actually setting a boundary, when really all that they are doing is operating from a space of pure bitterness.
Bitter people can't forgive and hold grudges. It really does baffle me, how many people want to be forgiven but refuse to forgive others. Bitter people are like this. They have been hurt so much—or they forgive so little—that if you do one thing that offends them, they are out. Oh, but let them do the same thing or worse and suddenly they are only human and/or the "offendee" needs to get over it. Forgiveness—if it's true forgiveness—isn't easy. As someone who is still figuring out, it's also a process of acknowledging what happened, accepting that nothing can change it, resolving to pardon the offender and then figuring out how to move forward. Bitter people? They don't want to entertain doing any of this. They'd prefer to hold the person—and themselves—hostage by nursing a grudge, harping on the issue and controlling the dynamic by never letting it go rather than releasing the matter and then establishing boundaries until trust can be regained and the relationship can potentially be restored. To a bitter individual, the boundary is that there is no hope for reconciliation…ever. Meanwhile, a person with boundaries accepts that they make mistakes too, so they tend to pay more attention to character and repeated patterns before making a final decision.
Bitter people slice immediately. Folks with boundaries tend to give things time.
Bitter people generalize everyone. I've said it before in other articles; every time I tiptoe out into Black Twitter and see the incessant "Black women ain't this" and "Black men ain't that" coming from my own people, it reminds me of why I enjoy the peace of not being on social media at all. No matter how long any of us have been on this earth, we don't know every human being, so no—we can't be out here generalizing an entire demographic of individuals (we get mad when white folks do that…amen?). This is a given to a lot of folks, but you know who doesn't believe that? Bitter folks. Let three people from a particular "group" disappoint them and suddenly everyone in it is trash. That's because bitter people tend to be too jaded to be patient and forgiving, let alone self-introspective. The way they see it, it's easier to resolve that all of those individuals are the problem instead of retracing their steps to see if boundaries, gut instinct and keen discernment could've resulted in a totally different outcome.
Bitter people tend to be hypocritical. I honestly can't tell you, just how many times that I have sat in front of a married couple who expected their partner to do things that they themselves won't do. The husband wants the wife to initiate sex more when he continues to drop the ball when it comes to being more romantic. The wife wants the husband to affirm her more when he can't get his foot in the door fast enough before she is criticizing him for something. Both people end up resenting each other—which is basically a manifestation of bitterness—because of it. And so, they decide that the way to handle their dissatisfaction is to continue to "hold out" until the other gives them what they want, when what they really should be doing is being the kind of spouse that they desire.
Do you see how, if you're in a bitter space, it can appear to be a boundary when really, it's anything but? If you'd like it to be made a little bit clearer, here's what setting firm boundaries looks like so that you can avoid allowing bitterness to set in as much as possible.
How to Know You’re Setting Good Boundaries
There is someone in my world who hurt me. I mean, really hurt me. For the past several months, they've been trying to set things right. I already know that if I hadn't have forgiven them, I would be out here making it hard on all of the new people who would try and come into my life. Instead, I've set boundaries with this individual. And boundaries are nothing more than limits. For starters, we didn't even begin the process of trying to rebuild our relationship until we discussed what got us off course in the first place, and they owned their part in it, which included an apology. I no longer go above and beyond like I tend to do with my other friends because we're not friends right now; we are two people who care about each other who are trying to heal. I don't put myself in the position to be hurt like I was before because I know what got me in the predicament in the first place; it's that they have a tendency to not do intimacy very well. So, we keep things lighter and more casual. I don't expect them to be or do what I once used to because their actions have proven that they are not ready to.
Still, I haven't totally shut the door because they aren't a bad person; they're really not. I own that I didn't establish certain boundaries and, also that I ignored certain signs that they lacked emotional intelligence and relational self-awareness at the time. By forgiving them, I don't see them as horrible or unredeemable. I see them as someone who simply shouldn't be as close to me as they once were. And you know what? Slowly, but surely, we're getting to being in the best place that we've ever been. Sure, time and us both growing play a direct role. Yet so does boundaries.
See, while bitterness puts up a barbed wire wall that is virtually unscalable, boundaries sets up a wooden fence that says, "Come this close until I say otherwise." And if the person who is on the receiving end of the boundary respects that, over time, oftentimes the boundaries shift. People with healthy boundaries are open to negotiation while bitter people never are. Bitter folks are too busy being annoyed, displeased, irritated, offended and vexed to consider being or doing anything else. Hmph. The sad thing is that it's pretty much only hurting them to be that way.
This is the kind of message that can be a, pardon the pun, bitter pill to swallow. But I promise you, if you become intentional about avoiding bitterness and setting healthy and realistic boundaries, you will be all the better for it. Disappointments will happen less. When they do occur, you'll learn from them easier. And the boundaries will keep you evolving rather than remaining stagnant. Bitterness is bitter. It's not worth it. If it's been your defense mechanism, for the sake of all that you're deserving of—please let it go.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Why You Need To Grieve Your Past Relationship
The 10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make In Relationships
Should Someone Have To MAKE You Feel Loved?
6 Signs You're About To Let A Toxic Person (Back) Into Your Life
Feature image by Giphy
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Despite launching media careers from different pathways, the two New York-based women have forged a friendship where they can discuss their ambitions and challenges.
Both women are part of xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, recognized in the Viral Voices category for the impact they’ve made through storytelling, creativity, and authenticity. Together, they represent what it means to build an "It Girl" brand with integrity and depth. In the spirit of SheaMoisture’s "Yes, And" ethos, Les and Kayla embody the freedom to be multi-layered as women evolving boldly into every version of themselves.
This conversation has been condensed and lightly edited for clarity
On Forging Their Own Paths
Les Alfred: Being a Jane of all trades is incredibly challenging. And one of the challenges I've faced is that the scope of what podcasters now need to do has increased so much. When I first interviewed you in 2019, I was still very new at it, but I remember being on a Skype call with you from my bedroom in Seattle. That was how I ran the show. And that was good enough. That is absolutely not good enough these days. The scope and the quality keeps increasing, but the resources that you have don't necessarily increase in order to remain competitive.
I get asked so many questions from people who want to get into podcasts and they want to get started. Most of the time, I'm just like, 'I don't have tips for you.' Because, one, I don't know what it's like to start in this current environment. Two, I know what it takes to contend and be consistent in this environment. The barrier of entry is a lot higher in terms of having something of quality than it was before.
On Balancing Ambition and Rest
Kayla Greaves: I've had to make a very clear effort to slow down and just not take on as much. Yes, you're running a business, but you're also living your life. I had one of those days yesterday. I just laid down and listened to white noise for hours because I just needed my brain to just be clear. I called a friend. I cried.
I'm starting over again today. The sun is out. It's a new day. And that's just sometimes what you have to do. You can't show up for your audience or for other people, if you can't show for yourself. I think that creativity comes from a place of living your life and having genuine experiences, and then sharing those experiences through your art.
"I had to give myself permission to let myself grow publicly in ways that I'd already done personally."
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On Evolving Through Growth and Rebranding
Les: I didn't create Balanced Black Girl until 2018, but I started blogging and creating content and doing things under the Balanced brand in 2014. I was 24 years old at the time. Now, I'm 36. The things that were important to me, the perspective that I had and the stories I wanted to tell were entirely different. I think I had to give myself permission to let myself grow publicly in ways that I'd already done personally. The show isn't really about wellness anymore. And that shift started happening a couple of years ago.
When we started expanding into more lifestyle topics, more self-help topics [and] talking about entrepreneurship, the audience responded really well. That was when the show really started to grow and take off. And that was what got so much more engagement than the episodes back in 2020 when I was doing hour-long deep dives on gut health.
Rebranding the show was something I've been thinking about for a long time. When I was finally like, 'Oh, I need to do this,' honestly, was the 2024 presidential election. I was like, these people are about to be in here acting crazy. I do not feel safe with my business name being what it is. I don't want to be targeted for any BS. We saw what they did to the Fearless Fund.
"You have to balance your integrity with your income."
Courtesy
On Integrity Over Income
Kayla: I have many other interests aside from beauty. I'm growing and I'm changing as a person. I'm not the same person I was when I started at InStyle in 2019 before the pandemic rocked everybody's world. I don't think reviewing every single lipstick that comes out is exciting or interesting, because everybody does it now, and everybody feels like they're qualified to speak on things that they're not qualified to speak on. I'm currently in that pain point of growth.
I don't think I have always been in environments where I've been encouraged to branch out on my own ideas. I finished Ina Garten’s memoir maybe a month ago. She kept repeating this quote in her book. She said, ‘What goes in early, goes in deep.’ Now that I'm on my own and I don't have the resources of a traditional media company, which is what I have become accustomed to, sometimes it's difficult for me to be like, 'Okay, just go ahead with the thing.'
I think, Les, just the other day, you reposted somebody saying that they let go of a five-figure deal and then got double the next day because it just didn't feel aligned for them. Those are the things that happen. I have to find a balance of, 'Okay, how do I keep myself afloat?' And that may mean I may not be balling out of control just yet, but I'm okay for now. I can buy myself nice things every once in a while, but you have to balance your integrity with your income.
Les: There are just certain lines that I'm not willing to cross. Especially when I created more wellness content, one of those lines was I will not promote any sort of weight loss product. All of these GLP-1s all want to advertise on my podcast. I actually have nothing against those types of products, but I don't ever want someone to look at what I'm putting into the world and think that I'm saying that they need to feel a certain way about their bodies.
Even if the money is great, that's not for me to say, and that's not the type of message that I want to put out here. Or, I had another kind of brand deal come through that would have required me to divulge things about my personal life that I just don't really want my audience knowing about me, and bringing them along on journeys that I just find personal and I want to keep offline. I don’t want to be known for dragging my mess all over the internet for a buck.
I don't want to be known for being an influencer. I would love to be 1,000% in on my podcast, scale it, have it grow to be a media empire where I'm producing and putting out other bodies of work. For now, until that other side of the business really picks up and gets to the point where I want it to be, I kind of need to play the influencer game a little bit to live in this expensive city. But I'm gonna do it on my terms. It's a constant compromise that I'm coming to with myself.
"You can never make a big vision come to fruition if you're sitting and you're waiting for somebody else to tell you exactly what to do."
Courtesy
On Mutual Admiration and Friendship
Les: Something that I really admire about you in having known you for the past couple of years is you don't wait for a roadmap. You jump in, you roll up your sleeves, and you do it. You can never make a big vision come to fruition if you're sitting and you're waiting for somebody else to tell you exactly what to do.
Kayla: Well, first of all, I want to say thank you for saying that, because that means so much to me, and it's very affirming. That's exactly how I feel about you. I remember, even at your first live show, you're like, ‘Oh my god, I'm so stressed. I don't know what I'm doing.’ And, the shit sold out. And, you know, and now, like, you see the growth of the podcast. And you have nearly 61,000 subscribers on YouTube. I just checked recently.
I talk a lot about people that really just need to not say anything on the internet, because it's so frustrating as somebody who grew up as a traditional journalist. You want people to fact check and ask thoughtful questions and have good conversations. I've never said that about you. I've always loved your podcast. And I've sent a lot of your episodes to friends when they're going through specific things that you're talking about.
This season has been a little bit slower to me, so you've been a constant source of inspiration, and it's just been such a pleasure to see your podcast grow despite the challenges you've had. I know it's not easy, but you continue to grow and continue to push through, and I really admire that as somebody who sat and cried yesterday and listened to white noise.
And this is why I tell you all the time, you really do inspire me. I love you a lot.
Les: Oh my gosh, I love you a lot. I'm so glad that the podcast brought us together.
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
Featured image courtesy