A couple of months ago, someone asked me why it’s so easy for men to orgasm while many women seem to struggle to do so. My immediate response was, “Why do you think all men orgasm?” to which they replied, "I mean, because they ejaculate.” Their tone of voice had such a sense of “duh” to it that I had to be careful not to sound as patronizing as they did (LOL): “Just because a man ejaculates, that doesn’t mean that they orgasmed.”
I know. It’s something that isn’t discussed enough yet, aside from the fact that a lot of men fake as if they have “seen the mountaintop” (check out “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)”), the reality is, when it comes to climaxing, an orgasm is a result of a release of certain chemicals in the brain while ejaculation is a genitalia response — and yes, those things can happen together — or separately. Men who are aware of this know that a full-blown orgasm can feel quite different than just a release of sperm and semen. So no — no woman should assume that she is automatically “turning a man out” just because she’s having sex with them, and he cums at the end of the experience. #themoreyouknow
And yes, it’s important to put that on record because that misconception alone is a part of the reason why many women experience what is known as orgasm anxiety — since they are so consumed with thinking it is easy for their partner to have an orgasm, they are wondering what is wrong with them if they don’t. However, the reality is that orgasm anxiety is a reality that both men and women face, and it has several layers to it too. Let’s look deeper.
Let’s Break Down an Orgasm Real Quick
GiphyBefore I get into what orgasm anxiety actually is, let’s briefly review what happens during an orgasm. If you’ve heard before that there are “levels to this thing” when it comes to having one, that would be correct. Although sometimes the words vary, the basic breakdown includes these four things (although some articles will say that there are three or five stages):
Arousal: This is typically what happens during foreplay; it’s when your body gets excited about the thought of having sex which can include your heartbeat speeding up, your nipples becoming erect, lubrication rushing to your vagina, your vulva starting to swell, your clitoris growing in size, blood rushing down to your vaginal region, your vagina expanding, etc.
Plateau: This is when blood flow to your genital region has reached its peak, your clitoris tends to retract back towards your pubic bone, muscle tension increases, and your vagina may even change colors.
Orgasm: This is when the peak of pleasure transpires. It’s also why I don’t get how men don’t notice if/when women are faking it. I say that because when an orgasm happens, involuntary muscle contractions in the genital region transpire. Reportedly, this can last anywhere from 13-51 seconds for women and 10-30 seconds for men.
Resolution: This is the stage when your body starts to return back to “normal.” You tend to feel a rush of warmth, you might automatically feel drained and/or fatigued, and your breathing will slow down (by the way, even if you can have multiple orgasms, you will still experience resolution before starting the cycle of the phases all over again).
Physically, this is how you can know if you truly had an orgasm or not — although, what I oftentimes tell people is, if you have to ask, you probably haven’t because one of the best and most challenging things to put into words is the feeling of climaxing (at least in my opinion).
What Is Orgasm Anxiety All About?
GiphySo now that we’ve covered what happens during an orgasm, let’s talk about orgasm anxiety and what it entails. I’m pretty sure that, for the most part, you get the general idea by breaking down the term: it’s what happens when you’re anxious about having an orgasm (although some people experience this kind of anxiety at the mere thought of engaging in any type of sexual activity at all).
Whenever this happens, things like feeling overwhelmed, your body tensing up, you not being fully present in the moment, you overthinking the experience, you disassociating your mind from your body (because for an orgasm to transpire, these two things typically work hand in hand) are what you seem to notice. And when you’re in this state, it can literally “block” you from climaxing.
What Are Things That Can Cause Orgasm Anxiety?
GiphyNow that you know what the symptoms of orgasm anxiety are, you’re probably wondering what causes it. That’s a great question, and actually, there isn’t just one thing.
Orgasm anxiety can be “triggered” by:
- Anxiety or an anxiety disorder
- Body images issues
- Lacking sexual self-confidence
- PTSD from past sexual trauma
- Bad orgasms (yes, that is a thing; you can read more about it here)
- Feelings of shame surrounding sex
- An extreme form of people pleasing (being more concerned about your partner’s pleasure than your own)
- Being hyper-critical about your sexual performance/abilities
- Pressuring yourself to be a certain way sexually
- Stress
According to The American Psychological Association (APA), anxiety is defined as being “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure.” And although an actual anxiety disorder is a more extreme and consistent account of anxiety, even the normal bouts of anxiety can prevent an orgasm. That’s because fear, tension, worry, and stress are enemies of this kind of pleasure.
If you’re someone who has a difficult time climaxing and you realize that feelings of anxiety have something to do with why, it’s important to do some sex journaling to see if you can get down to the root of why that is the case (for the record, this is something that reputable sex therapists can help you with if you’re struggling with getting the answers that you seek).
6 Things You Can You Can Do to Overcome Orgasm Anxiety
Giphy1. Talk to your partner. Good sex consists of open and honest communication. That said, I can’t tell you how many people have told me things about their sex life that their partner has no clue about. The challenge with that isn’t really if you are holding something back but WHY. If it’s fear of how they will react or respond, that can definitely create walls when it comes to mental and emotional intimacy that can make having sex with them…not as pleasurable as it should be. It’s not a coincidence that some of the couples who have the most fulfilling sex lives are the ones who are really real with one another. In mutual honesty and acceptance, there are feelings of safety, and with safety comes the ability to release anything that would hinder an orgasm from transpiring.
2. Talk to someone else too. It’s not about your business being all out in the street; it’s about talking to someone who can make you feel heard, understood, and not alone. Because the reality is, when it comes to all ten things that I mentioned that can cause orgasm anxiety, there are many others who can totally relate. Sometimes, just talking to a trusted friend can help to calm you down. Other times, you may need the assistance of a professional. Either way, just knowing that someone cares enough to listen and offer up some empathy can make all the difference in the world.
3. Celebrate your body. As a doula, I deal with a lot of women who are insecure about their bodies and project those feelings onto their partners. “Project” is the right word because they assume that, since (for instance) they don’t (currently) like their breasts and/or stretch marks and/or pooch underneath their belly button, “he” doesn’t either. Meanwhile, the men are constantly telling me how 1) they think it’s sexy that their child’s mom was able to deliver their child and/or 2) they just want intimacy to resume — the body changes are the least of their concerns. Know what this means? Your partner can’t make you feel desirable if you aren’t just as intentional about loving yourself — and that includes your body. And this doesn’t just mean after giving birth.
Celebrating your body can do wonders for relieving any stress that you may have about it. So, take yourself lingerie shopping. Pen a love letter to yourself about the things that you do adore when it comes to how you look. Dance in the mirror naked to some of your favorite songs. Choosing to like — no, LOVE — your body is a real game changer as far as sex is concerned.
4. See sex as an experience, not a performance. Back in the day, I was a Beverly Hills, 90210 fan. When Brenda was getting ready to give her virginity to Dylan at their senior prom, and she was showing how anxious she was, Dylan said, “We’re not going to be judging each other. We’re going to be enjoying each other.” Hmph. Words to live by. Although performance anxiety is normal, remind yourself that sex is about connecting, deeply and profoundly so, with another person. And if it’s the right one, they are not trying to score you — they simply want to share a special and intimate moment with you. That alone should take quite a bit of the pressure off.
5. Don’t make orgasm the goal. Along the lines of what I just said, if you see an orgasm as “mission impossible,” that’s just how you’re going to approach sex, in general. Besides, although I won’t act like an orgasm ain’t one of the best things that this life has to offer, when you’re connecting with someone who is as into you as you are into them, sex can be a wonderful experience — even sans the climax (no, really).
6. RELAX. Yeah, I know — easier said than done. Look at it all this way, though: If you don’t feel like you can’t loosen up, unwind and truly let yourself go in his presence — is he someone who you should be sharing your body with? It’s kind of another message for another time, but sometimes what might seem like orgasm anxiety is really nothing more than your discernment telling you that he is not worthy. Bottom line, try to relax, yet don’t force it. If you’re starting to enter into the force dimension, it’s time to take some steps back and reevaluate — because again, it might not be anxiety; you just might be sensing some red flags.
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If you’ve had some anxiety about sex and, more specifically, orgasms during sex, hopefully, this turned on a few light bulbs for you because, although orgasm anxiety can be a bit unnerving and perhaps even a bit overwhelming, as you can see, it doesn’t have to remain your reality. Baby steps can get you free so that you can experience the absolute best that sex and orgasms have to offer.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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