Back to Swayvo Twain, though. After I saw numerous posts about the fact that D’Angelo’s song “Send It On” was a creative collaboration that his parents made in his honor after he was born — I found myself wondering just how many times he’s listened to it this year and especially over the past several weeks. And then, I was like, “Lawd. What is this man’s holiday season going to be like?” I can only imagine.
Holiday seasons mean different things to different people. Yet if you’re someone who has lost a dear loved one (familial or not) this past year and a part of you is absolutely not looking forward to the holiday season because of it — I just want you to know that I see you and I want to provide a few thoughts, just so you don’t have to overthink or unnecessarily pressure yourself or feel like you’ve got to “put on” anything during this time. You absolutely don’t.
And here, in more detail, is exactly what I mean by that.
Expect to Go Through the Five Stages of Grief. Repeatedly.
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Grief is layered and sometimes really complicated. Partly because, well, you’ve heard of the five stages of grief, right — denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance? Well, the thing is, sometimes you can find yourself going through some of those stages simultaneously. Like you might be in denial and angry. Or you might be depressed while accepting the reality that someone who you really cared about is gone. And what’s really wild is sometimes the oddest things can put you in those emotional spaces.
Take my godchildren’s mom, for example. There is a movie called Lucky 7 (Kelly Williams-Paisley, Patrick Dempsey) that makes me think about her. That’s because a part of her story is that she and the lead character in the film both lost their mother to cancer when they were seven. Anyway, Rissi (that’s her name although everyone knows that I typically just refer to her as “my godchildren’s mom” — LOL) said that a couple of weeks ago, she woke herself up sobbing and missing her mom, even though she’s been gone for 37 years now.
When she said that she didn’t know where the wave of grief came from, I reminded her about her single “Old Black Southern Woman” (which premiered November 7 and I've included under this point, so that I can show my babies off) and since the song is in tribute to her mother, that’s probably the origin story of it all.
Honestly, though, when you lose someone dear, you don’t really need a reason. I mean, think about it — none of us “love with an expiration date” and so trying to figure out what to do with the emotions, the commitment, the relationship now that everything about it has permanently shifted? Yeah, it can take you on quite the emotional roller coaster ride. Repeatedly. Without real cause or reason.
And you know what? That is okay.
Grieve how you need to…as it comes.
Surround Yourself with People Who Will Let You…BE
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One thing about losing a parent or a spouse or (whew) a child is, once it happens to you and then you hear about it happening to someone else, you are able to empathize on a whole ‘nother level compared to those who have yet to experience that depth of loss. As a direct result, you get that sometimes they will be in a good mood and then sometimes, without warning, they will isolate. You get that sometimes they will take you up on your offer to hang out and then sometimes you may not hear from them for weeks on end. You even get that sometimes, their energy will switch up on you in mid-conversation and that you can’t personalize it. They are in “grief aftershock” and sometimes, it catches them totally off guard.
And that’s why it’s so important — crucial even — that you are intentional, especially this year, to surround yourself with people who will give you the space and grace to grieve however you need to. Because while you shouldn’t be out here just being mean and rude, if you’re not your best self, folks who are really in tuned to the magnitude of your loss will get that — even to the point of not stressing you out or guilt tripping you if you’d prefer to sit this holiday season (or portions of it) out.
Yeah, the great grief support people? They will be interested in you doing what is best for you — not in you doing what they think is best for you. BIG DIFFERENCE THERE, CHILE.
Try Not to Emotionally Trigger Yourself
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This is a tricky one because, since it is your first holiday season without your loved one, probably all kinds of stuff will get to you. All I’m saying is that you should let memories happen naturally instead of looking for things that will make you feel bad or low.
For instance, if going through every photo of them that you have in your possession will bring you comfort, by all means, pull them all out. However, if doing that is going to make you feel really sad and put you in a state of restlessness and irritation — why punish yourself in that way? Or if there is a holiday movie that the two of you enjoyed together and watching it will somehow make you feel close to them, enjoy. On the other hand, if it’s going to have you an emotional wreck to where you can barely sleep or get out of bed — why do that to yourself?
One way that AI defines an emotional trigger is this: “An emotional trigger is a stimulus that causes a strong, often overwhelming emotional or psychological reaction that feels disproportionate to the current situation”. Did you catch all of that? Triggers are something that overwhelms you in spite of what your current situation may actually be.
Listen, grief is overwhelming enough. Try to be really kind and discerning by not going out of your way to emotionally trigger yourself in the process of handling all that is already on your mind, heart and spirit’s plate.
Prioritize Self-Care
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Years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “The Self-Care Checklist Every Woman Needs.” When you get a chance, please check it out because it covers things like forgiving yourself and taking personal days — both of which are relevant to this piece.
Another reason why losing a loved one can be devastating for some of us is because it can bring forth feelings of regret. Maybe you didn’t have a specific conversation with them that you should’ve. Perhaps you wish that you had taken better advantage of the time that you had with them while they were alive. It could be that you regret not being more of what they needed. Whatever the case may be, their purpose is complete on this planet.
You know whose isn’t? LOOK IN THE MIRROR. You’ve got to forgive yourself and — as I’ve said many times before, one of my favorite definitions of forgiveness is by author Gary Zukav: “Accepting that the past can’t change,” which, interestingly enough, could play a role in the final stage of grief which is acceptance.
And the personal days part? I mean, it is the holiday season, right? If you’ve got personal or vacation days, TAKE THEM. Just as much as work can get your mind off of things, it can also wear you down too, if you’re not careful. Spending some days doing nothing but sleeping, reading or watching movies could be just what you need right now. Because when you’re healing from the loss of the loved one, self-care isn’t a luxury — it is absolutely paramount.
Be Okay with Not Knowing
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“Know” is an interesting word. One of its definitions is “to perceive or understand as fact or truth; to apprehend clearly and with certainty.” That said, a few weeks ago, my mother’s husband sent me a grief quote. Although it wasn’t something that I personally resonated with (for many reasons that we don’t have time to get into today), I do believe that many things happen for more than a reason; they have a purpose — and perhaps the quote was for this article:
"When you lose someone, it feels like the entire map of your life has been erased. You still hold the paper in your hands, but the destination seems to be gone. And that’s just one part of grief. People don’t really talk about…Not just the missing person, but the missing sense of direction. The hardest truth is that no one can hand you a new map to your life. It’s up to you to build a compass on your own, one day and one moment at a time. That compass won’t appear overnight, but every choice you survive becomes part of it." (Brendan Shaw)
One thing that is so…let’s go with the word “rough” about death is that it comes in and alters the plans that you had for your life when it comes to the person you lost — and that can have you out here on some “So, what now?”…without having a single clue. Because you’re trying to wrap your mind around what happened and how you are supposed to adjust to it, it can feel like you don’t really have the words, let alone any ideas, about how to move forward. And that is something that you need to make peace with — the not knowing, I mean.
Yeah, that reminds me. There is a project that my mother co-executive produced many years ago. On it, there is a song entitled, “You Don’t Have to Know Why” (Tata Vega/Maia Amada). The chorus goes as follows:
You don’t have to know why
‘Cause the why is unimportant
You don’t have to know when
‘Cause time is not a factor
You don’t have to know what
You don’t have to know how
‘Cause his love for you is all you need to know
Geeze. You see how many times “know” pops up? When you lose someone and your life feels like it has totally turned upside down because of it — be patient with yourself; you don’t have to perceive or understand what’s next. Not right now. Sometimes just getting out of bed, putting one foot in front of another towards your shower and actually getting into is more than enough.
Oh, and did you peep how the last line of the chorus says that “his love” is all that you need to know? They are talking about God — and that brings me to my next point/tip.
KNOW That God Can Handle Every Single Emotion
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Someone in my world is really angry with God right now about a loss that they currently experienced. It’s not the death of a person; it’s the end of a marriage (which is a death in its own kind of way). They are angry with God because they feel like he doesn’t care that they gave their all and their spouse left anyway.
Another topic for another time is that we can’t be thankful that God gave us the power of choice/free will and then turn around and want him to rescind that offer to others. For now I’ll just say what I said to them: “Girl, do you know how many times I’ve been mad at God? And do you know that God doesn’t stop being God just because I’m angry. He can handle your emotions. Trust me.”
And P.S.: God isn’t mad that you’re mad. That’s why I’m so fond of the Scripture, “Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah.” (Psalm 4:4 — NKJV) Hmph. When I look at that word “meditate”, that makes me think of another verse: “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” (Psalm 46:10 — NKJV)
One definition of anger is “a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong” — and why would you think that God wouldn’t understand that you aren’t pleased or that you feel wronged by losing someone? Of course, he does. And yet, peep the wisdom of King David. He said that when you feel that way, don’t do something reckless or even unwise. Instead, MEDITATE. Get still enough to remember that God is involved, even in your pain, confusion and emotional exhaustion. Because he is.
Exercise Self-Compassion with Every Moment…As It Comes
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And finally, I am big on the importance of practicing self-compassion; so much to the point where I penned the article, “12 Ways To Be Far More Self-Compassionate Every Day” a few years back. Compassion means “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering” and suffering means “to undergo or feel pain or distress,” “to sustain injury, disadvantage, or loss” and “to endure pain, disability, death, etc., patiently or willingly.”
Self-compassion, in part, is about recognizing that you are suffering and then being intentional about doing what you can to reduce the pain that you are experiencing. Journal it out. Talk to a friend. Go for a long walk. Get a mani/pedi or massage. Take a nap. Indulge in some comfort food. See a grief therapist — love on yourself enough by giving your grief a platform to express itself and then find an outlet for the energy to manifest into something that will make you feel…encouraged.
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My first major death blow happened when I was 21. I lost my fiancé on November 3, 1995 and then my closest great-grandparent the following day. Listen here, that first loss? It feels like you can’t breathe for days at a time — and that first holiday season? It’s pretty much a blur with many moments of heartache in them. That’s the bad news.
The good news is that you will get through it. Like a woman once said on a favorite sitcom of mine once upon a time, “Even despair will eventually exhaust itself” — and while it might not feel that way right now, that is 1000 percent the truth.
I won’t lie to you — probably not by Thanksgiving. Christmas and New Year’s either. Yet if you take my lived-out tips to heart, I believe that they can help make this first year without your loved one more bearable.
You might even smile and laugh a little bit. Yet if you don’t…again, give yourself some grace.
Yeah, feel what you feel…until you don’t.
At the end of the day, sis, that is just what self-love and validation during loss is all about.
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