Happy New Year! The month and decade begin on a high note with Mars moving into free-spirited Sagittarius, giving us the push we need to shoot for the stars. As we ride the waves of eclipse season, energies may be a little chaotic. Lean into your faith in a higher plan and surrender with grace around the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse.
After spending the past five months retro, Uranus finally goes direct, requiring us to be flexible with the shifts taking place during this pivotal month. Matters of the heart get revived with a sense of magic as Venus begins her transit through Pisces on the 13th. Most of the action takes place in Aquarius for the rest of the month, inviting us to embrace our weird, connect with our tribe, and make a mark on the planet while we're here.
Check out what's in store for your zodiac sign in the month ahead!
Aries
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The fire gets lit beneath your ass as Mars begins its transit through Sagittarius on the 3rd, getting you hyper-focused on soaking up as much knowledge about your truth as possible—whether that's your spiritual beliefs, political views, or sense of morality. On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse crashes over you with some deep feels related to your home life and family matters, granting you clarity about which generational patterns you need to clear out. This could also indicate a time in which you change residences. Uranus goes direct on the same day and it's time to hit the ground running with all of those great money-making ideas you've been sitting on since August.
On the 13th, Venus moves into Pisces and love matters take on a more quiet, private approach with you likely spending more time tucked away in silky sheets with your lover. If you're single and looking, you could wind up meeting someone that shares similar spiritual beliefs and practices. Mercury moves into innovative Aquarius on the 16th with the Sun following behind on the 20th. It's time to reconnect with those like-minded individuals that make you feel like you're not "the crazy one". Keep in mind, that there are people just as weird as you are. The New Moon on the 24th could mark the beginning of a beautiful, new friendship that validates the visionary that you truly are.
Taurus
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The new year begins with fiery Mars moving into Sagittarius, heightening your sexual desires and encouraging you to explore any inhibitions that hold you back from embracing your prowess. If you've got any outstanding debt, now is a good time to conquer it (or at least strategize a plan for getting out of it). Eclipse season is ushered in by the Full Moon on the 10th may stir up some tension between you and your siblings. Strive to see beyond your projections of others and into their emotional wounds instead. Compassionate communication is your superpower around this time. On the same day, Uranus goes direct in your sign helping you feel more confident about marching to the beat of your own drum. You may even decide to revamp your appearance unexpectedly by dyeing your hair or splurging on a more eccentric wardrobe.
Around the middle of the month, Venus moves into sentimental Pisces to sweeten up your friendships and restore your faith in the bigger vision you're co-creating with the Universe. On the 16th, Mercury moves into Aquarius, enhancing your business acumen by gifting you with foresight to strategize your way to success. The Sun moves into this part of your chart on the 20th, helping you stand out amongst the competition, thanks to your leading-edge approach to your work. Recognition, or even a promotion, may be in store for your accomplishments around the New Moon on the 24th. Your influence is reaching new heights as well as your social media following. Use your power wisely.
Gemini
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
January kicks off with Mars moving into Sagittarius, heating up your significant relationships. The desire is strong and so are your opinions. Keep in mind that your truth isn't necessarily the truth. It's OK to share what you think without it turning into an argument (unless debating is a form of foreplay for you). Also, be mindful of pushy clients or business partners during this transit and do your best to temper your frustrations dealing with the constraints that others place on you. On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse brings your focus to money matters. Become more aware of your emotional states and how they affect the way that you spend money. Uranus goes direct on the same day, enhancing your psychic gifts. Pay attention to your dreams as they hold the key to some genius ideas and a peek into what's coming your way.
Venus moves into dreamy Pisces on the 13th, rekindling the sparks between you and your work. You may be on the receiving end of praises for the creative or spiritual works that you offer. When it comes to love, you may connect with someone in the same line of work as you. Around the middle of the month, Mercury moves into Aquarius with the Sun following behind on the 20th, enhancing your inquisitive mind with knowledge that you're soaking up on the internet. Going back to school is something worth considering as well with the New Moon giving you the push to submit those applications. This is also a good time to sign up for that online seminar, start writing that book, or prepare to teach others about one of the many areas of your expertise.
Cancer
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The beginning of the month brings your focus to your daily routines and with Mars moving into Sagittarius on the 3rd, you'll be itching to make some changes. Do your best to stay grounded while still inviting more variety into your schedule to make you feel more alive. Also be mindful of workplace drama and err on the side of caution when sharing your religious or political views during this transit. On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in your sign wipes the slate clean as you exhale the bullshit that's been lingering in your life, whether it's a mindset, habits, a job, or a relationship. Uranus goes direct on the same day, helping you feel more confident about the unique perspective that you bring to your social network or friend group. This is also a good time to explore some innovative ways to secure the bag via social media.
On the 13th, Venus moves into idealistic Pisces, inviting you to merge with your spiritual beliefs more deeply. Honor your truth—whatever that is for you. Fall in love with the process of learning more about yourself and your place in the world. Around the middle of the month, Mercury moves into Aquarius which has you spilling all of your feels on social media. The Sun moves into this same part of your chart on the 20th, reminding you of the importance of sharing your vulnerabilities and embracing your humanity. The New Moon on the 24th serves as a reset in your approach to nurturing more intimacy with your social network and friends. Allowing yourself to fully be seen can be scary but it's necessary to experience more fulfilling connections.
Leo
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The new year begins with Mars moving into your sister sign, Sagittarius, on the 3rd. You're feeling sexy, adventurous, and ready to mingle. Spice up your life with romance and take that suitor up on that opportunity to get flewed out. If you haven't been feeling inspired, your creativity will flow a lot more easily during this transit. On the 10th, a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse helps you break through subconscious conditioning that inhibits you from embracing your emotions and receiving the nurturing you deserve. Pull out the Kleenex and schedule that therapy session to hash out those mommy issues. Rebellious Uranus goes direct on the same day and you could be on the receiving end of some surprise recognition for your work from a higher up.
The planet of love, and money, moves into sweet Pisces on the 13th, making you a magnet for financial support that seemingly falls from the heavens. When it comes to matters of the heart, you and bae are merging in mind, body, and spirit. If things have been rocky, couples therapy could be just what you both need to forgive each other and move forward. On the 16th, Mercury moves into Aquarius and you're focused on partnering up with more like-minded folks in love and business. As the Sun transitions into this same part of your chart, you're being recognized for your brilliant vision, making this an opportune time to whip out that proposal. The month winds down with a New Moon on the 24th inviting you to sign your name on the dotted line to solidify a new business relationship or to tie the knot.
Virgo
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The New Year kicks off with Mars moving into Sagittarius on the 3rd, making you restless for an adventure. If you're able to manage it, this is a good time to take a vacay to a new place that will stimulate your mind. Getting in touch with your ancestral roots is also favorable during this transit and you may feel pulled to visit the "Motherland" (wherever that is for you). On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse illuminates your creative and romantic blocks. What do you need to feel secure enough to express yourself and to experience more pleasure? Innovative Uranus goes direct on the same day inviting you to implement those genius ideas you've been sitting on since August. It's time to get in your bag!
The planet of love moves into ethereal Pisces on the 13th and your relationship gets all the more magical. You could find yourself feeling deeply connected to your partner through your shared spiritual beliefs and practices. If you work within the healing or spiritual arts, an influx of clients and partnerships are on the table. On the 16th, Mercury moves into Aquarius, making you a social butterfly amongst the workplace. Your curiosity about people is your superpower this month. The Sun moves into the same part of your chart on the 20th, encouraging you to get more organized especially if you create social media content for yourself or others. January winds down with an exciting New Moon on the 24th, inviting you to implement new habits and routines that can benefit your health.
Libra
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Happy New Year! The month gets going with Mars moving into fiery Sagittarius, giving you the extra oomph you need to get through those school assignments or make some progress with your business, thanks to social media. If you're feeling restless, a staycation could be just what you need to satisfy your wanderlust. On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse invites you to reassess whether your career goals are in alignment with what brings you a sense of security (both financially and emotionally). A big achievement of yours may finally be recognized around this time as well. Spontaneous Uranus goes direct the same day, helping you shift your money mindset from broke bitch to boss bitch.
Your ruling planet, Venus, moves into self-sacrificial Pisces, encouraging you to stand firm in those boundaries you've been developing. It's time to fall back in love with the work you do on a daily basis. Delegate those arduous tasks to the expert and stick to what you know (and enjoy). When it comes to love, you may get lucky meeting someone at the office or at the gym. Around the middle of the month, Mercury moves into Aquarius, flooding you with genius ideas for creative projects. This energy may have you feeling anxious, so do your best to stay grounded as you turn your vision into a reality. On the 20th, the Sun moves into the same part of your chart, inviting you to indulge in some adventure and romance. The New Moon on the 24th encourages you to let your inner child flourish by recommitting to those dreams you've swept under the rug.
Scorpio
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Money matters are your primary focus at the start of the year as Mars begins its transit through Sagittarius on the 3rd. The hustler spirit is bestowed upon you, so make the most out of this energy. Also spend some time figuring out what financial freedom means to you. This could involve you seeking employment opportunities that offer you the flexibility to work from anywhere in the world (as long as there's a wifi connection, of course). On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse marks the ending of a chapter within your spiritual development which could require you to ditch some old beliefs and practices that just ain't it for you anymore. Remember—there is no guru outside of you. Uranus, the great awakener, goes direct on the same day, encouraging you to join forces with people that value your weird.
On the 13th, Venus begins her transit through gentle Pisces to sweeten up your life with some much-needed romance. Are you ready to be swept off your feet? If not, channel your hopeless romantic vibes into a creative project that you can share just in time for V-Day next month. Halfway through the month, Mercury moves into Aquarius stirring up a bit of friction in the household or amongst your family. You all have the same goal but just different ways of reaching the destination. The Sun moving into this same part of your chart on the 20th reminds you to focus on the bigger picture. If you're searching the market for your dream home, this is a good time to connect with a professional who knows their stuff. The month winds down with a New Moon on the 24th, helping you restore the harmony for the greater good of everyone involved.
Sagittarius
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The new year takes off with Mars moving into your sign on the 3rd, giving you a pick-me-up after partying hard during your birthday season. Take advantage of this potent energy to knock out your to-do list and anything else that requires a lot of effort. You may feel a little more irritable than usual during this transit, so find some healthy ways to blow off the steam. On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse invites you to face your demons with a tender approach. In layman's terms, it's OK to cry, babe. Let yourself release those pent up feels related to issues with your mom or a lack of nurturing growing up. Uranus goes direct after a five-month retrograde on the same day. Time is money. Do what you must to create a more efficient schedule for yourself.
On the 13th, Venus moves into Pisces, encouraging you to beautify your home. When it comes to romance, you'll most likely want to lay low with bae in the comfort of your humble abode. Mercury moves into Aquarius on the 16th, gifting you with the gift of gab. It's time to make your debut on IG live to talk yo shit. A few days later, the Sun moves into the same part of your chart, making you super popular on social media. Use your power of influence for something bigger than yourself. The New Moon on the 24th inspires you to share your unconventional ideas, trusting that they'll resonate with the right people. Sometimes you have to ruffle some feathers to create some change. If anyone is down for the cause, it's you.
Capricorn
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Happy New Year (and birthday for the January Cappies)! The month begins with energetic Mars moving into Sagittarius on the 3rd which has the potential to bring up some hidden frustrations to the surface. Triggered, much? Find some healthy outlets to express your anger to avoid unnecessary drama. Lean into whatever keeps you balanced spiritually to navigate this transit with more ease. On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse brings a huge revelation to the light, regarding a key relationship whether romantic or business. If the connection hasn't been working, it will likely dissolve around this time, granting you with a new perspective on how to approach your partnerships moving forward. Uranus, the great awakener, goes direct on the same day, encouraging you to think outside of the box when it comes to romance and creativity.
Venus, planet of love and money, moves into intuitive Pisces on the 13th and you could be getting lucky with online dating. Maybe it's time to respond to that message that's been hanging out in your DMs. When it comes to securing the bag, you could experience an increase in funds if you're promoting something for healing purposes. How can you connect with your audience on an emotional level that makes them want to invest in your brand? On the 16th, Mercury moves into Aquarius and you're talking business (but what's new?) that could bring you long-term security. With the Sun moving into the same part of your chart, you're advised to evaluate whether you're receiving a return on your investment. The New Moon on the 24th invites in a new opportunity that is more in alignment with your true value.
Aquarius
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The new year has finally arrived (as well as your birthday if you were born in January). In the beginning of the month, you'll find much of your energy exerted towards reconnecting with friends and social networks. Be mindful of competition among your circle. Everyone has something unique and amazing to bring to the table. Utilize each other's strengths to strategize any group projects you're working on. The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 10th helps you recognize which habits you need to ditch that ultimately drain you. How are you overextending yourself to the point that you're neglecting your own well-being? Give yourself the nurturing you deserve on a regular basis and notice how much your health improves. On the same day, Uranus goes direct helping you revolutionize your money mindset which ultimately has a ripple effect on your family as well. Call in the realizations needed to shift your lineage's energy from poverty to prosperity. Dare to take a risk and pave the way for a new relationship with your finances and family.
On the 13th, Venus moves into Pisces bringing in more money and more opportunities especially if you work in the healing/spiritual arts. This transit invites you to explore ways to increase your income that give you a deeper sense of purpose. And no, you don't have to sacrifice your earning potential by doing work that you love! Around the middle of the month, Mercury moves into your sign which will keep you busy and social in the weeks to come. Your birthday season officially begins on the 20th with a New Moon on the 24th reminding you to make a wish. Where do you see yourself a year from now? Dream big, babe. The world is yours.
Pisces
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
January kicks off with passionate Mars moving into free-spirited Sagittarius on the 3rd, getting you motivated for success. You've got what it takes to make your presence and contributions known in the professional world. On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Cancer illuminates how you need to nurture your inner child and creativity. Make more time for play and pleasure as these things are just as vital to your well-being as a good night's sleep. This energy could also reveal how you're sabotaging yourself in romance by consistently pursuing people that are unwilling to receive or give love. Stop rehashing your mommy issues with the people you date. As you learn how to nurture yourself more, the people in your life will reciprocate the energy. On the same day, Uranus goes direct helping you innovate the way you share your gifts and talents with the world.
You're receiving a lot of attention, and maybe some extra coin, when Venus moves into your sign on the 13th. This is a good time to revamp your appearance or wardrobe as well. Your confidence will be at an all-time high, making this the perfect energy for getting into some money magic. Around the middle of the month, Mercury moves into Aquarius, activating your dream world with reminders of your destiny. Take it easy as you spend time reflecting, and reconnecting, with a deeper sense of purpose. On the 20th, the Sun moves into Aquarius and your mind is buzzing with ideas, insights, and downloads. Ground yourself to process this information with more ease. Sleep is your best friend during this time. The month winds down with a New Moon on the 24th encouraging you to embrace the endings that must take place before you begin your new solar year.
Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
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Feature Photo by Laci Jordan/xoNecole
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- Cancer Monthly Astrology Horoscope January 2020 - YouTube ›
- January 2020 Monthly Horoscope | horoscopes.guru ›
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Now, I’ll be honest: as an avid TV-lover, I was well-prepared to hop on Zoom and jump into all the chatter around Bel-Air and her characters’ decisions. But after listening to her new EP Identity Crisis, I knew there was a lot more to talk about as well. During this exclusive conversation with xoNecole, Jazlyn Martin delved into the challenging journey she’s faced surrounding her identity, newfound fame, and family influence, and how it all plays a part in her art. Check it out!
xoNecole: So I know that your father is in the entertainment world, but when did you realize you shared the same passion?
Jazlyn Martin: I think it was very early on. I was a child who was full of attitude and fearlessness that would go after anything I wanted. I believe seeing my dad pursue music made me realize it was possible. I just had this hunger and fire, and my parents consciously fed and nurtured that - they are always all super supportive of whatever I do. So very, very early on, I was like, I'm meant to do this. And I just was like, I'm a star, and I know I'm a star.
xoN: Actually, let's talk about your family. What are some of your most important values, and how have your family and heritage played a part in shaping those values?
Jazlyn: I mean, my mom is like an angel; she's so graceful and kind, and I've had to work hard to get there. When I was young, I was very abrasive, headstrong, and stubborn. Whereas my mom gives an immense amount of grace in the way she carries herself. I had to learn that.
I think being strong is something I’ve always had. My parents always joke that they don't know where my personality came from. Because my dad is shy and timid and my mom is kind, and I'm a fireball. But my Dad always asked the important industry questions like, “Why do you want to do this?” And that instilled some purpose into me. It really carried me to keep going because it's so easy to be discouraged in this field, but that drive has helped me push through all of the challenges.
xoN: I bet. I have such a respect for actors and the way you all navigate the industry. Speaking of, let’s dig into “Bel-Air.” Were you a fan of the show? Did you have to go back and watch the episodes?
Jazlyn: So I actually did watch the show which is crazy because sometimes I don’t. I saw it was a reboot and was like, ‘Oh no, not another one.’ But I watched the first three episodes, realized how good it was, and ended up watching the whole season. I became a fan, and then a few months later, I booked the role!
I think the imagination is such a beautiful and powerful tool, and I feel like if you create something in your mind, it happens. It's a crazy thing, but I really just created Jackie's world - the house she grew up in, her parents leaving her, and everything. I created why she fell in love with dance. I really came at it from a human approach. If I see it, then the audience can see it.
xoN: Yeah, background plays into so much of how we deal with things, how we interact with people, and everything. And I feel like Jackie gets a lot of backlash. Like, we’ve all had a “Jackie Moment” to be real.
Jazlyn: She gets so much backlash! I just encourage people to give her grace and see the God in her because I do think she tells a lot of Black and brown girls' stories. People project on her, saying she’s too ratchet or hood, and I’m like does that mean she’s not loveable?
We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her. Because she’s helped me extend empathy to people I don't necessarily want to or don't think deserve to have it. But she's 17, she's figuring it out, and she doesn't have parents. Like, that's such a huge factor.
"We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her."
xoN: You mentioned how your character is viewed, which digs a bit into identity. So I want to talk a little bit about some of the emotional songs on your EP “Identity Crisis.” What inspired the track “Perfect?”
Jazlyn: When I was creating “Perfect,” I already had the EP title. So I kind of mapped out, like, the different conflicts I had in my head and categorized them into seven songs, and so one of my identity crises was being perfect. Because I feel like a lot of men tend to put women on pedestals. They're expected to be perfect - especially when you’re in the limelight. You know, you can't slip up. You can't say the wrong thing. Cancel culture is such a huge thing. And I just wanted to encourage people to give people grace to be themselves because that's not an easy thing to do.
I just wanted to take down this facade that I’m perfect because I never pretended to be. I never wanted to be. I think that's something people have placed on me, that I have it all figured out, I think I just carry it well, but that doesn't mean it's not heavy. I just wanted to be very vulnerable and honest. I think people think “perfect” is a compliment, but I think it's a cage because it doesn't allow room for error. It doesn't allow for you to be human and mess up and fail and take risks. So I just wanted to encourage grace.
xoN: Do you ever feel like you went through an identity crisis?
Jazlyn: I go through one constantly. Growing up, I didn't really have one. But I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just “other.” That was an identity crisis in itself.
Also, being introduced to a level of fame has been interesting, too. I think we all go through identity crises all the time because we’re evolving and changing. It’s beautiful, but it’s also scary; you see yourself this one way, and then something happens, and there’s a shift. So yeah, I think it’s something we all go through but no one talks about.
"I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just 'other.'"
xoN: I love that. And I know Hispanic Heritage Month is coming up, and you'll be speaking at the New York Latino Film Festival. Talk to me about what that moment means to you and what you hope to bring to the event. *Editor’s note: The interview was conducted before Hispanic Heritage Month began.
Jazlyn: I’m bringing some Afro-Latino-ness! I always grew up seeing Latinos being represented in a very specific way—very Spanish, not very Indigenous looking. So I'm really excited to bring the Black experience, with the Latino experience, to the stage because that's something a lot of people don't know exists.
People are always like, “Are you Black or Latina?” Well, I'm both! We were just dropped off in different parts. I’m excited to speak on that and highlight how prevalent anti-Blackness is within Latino communities. A lot of Afro-Latinos have faced an identity crisis because of it, including myself. It sometimes feels like you’re supposed to hate the other half of who you are.
For me, I held onto that little Black girl inside. I refused to let her go. And that’s what I want to represent when I speak—resilience and acceptance of our full selves. I’m also looking forward to meeting fellow Latino people, especially Afro-Latinos, and sharing our stories. It’s not a narrative that gets much attention, and I’m excited to represent.
xoN: I’m excited for you! Finally, with all the praise and recognition you’re receiving now, what has it been like to transition from working in music, dance, and acting to now being in the spotlight? How have you embraced this new level of fame?
Jazlyn: Um, it's overwhelming. I think that's the best word. Sometimes, I'm joyful, because I'm giving back to the community. People resonate with Jackie's stories and see themselves in her, which I think is the biggest compliment to me. But then sometimes, you know, I feel sad because I'm like, ‘Damn, I'm not doing enough,’ like I should be doing more. It's crazy, the industry is so fast-paced that you don't really try to celebrate wins. It's just a transition, an identity crisis of the like.
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For instance, take Denzel and Pauletta Washington who’ve been married 41 years this past June. Denzel has been very candid about how he’s found “his very good thing” (including the fact that she paid the cab fare for their first date for all of you coffee date haters) and Pauletta has made it very clear that marriage requires a lot of work; that there is no “secret formula.”
Then there’s Samuel L. Jackson and his wife of 45 years next August, LaTanya. Just recently, he made headlines for saying, “I’ve done s--- in my marriage that’s crazy, you know? She has, too, in her head, or whatever in reality, but you got to go, 'Is that a breakup offense?' Or is it just that we need to spend a little time together and get some understanding about it?"
And then there’s choreographer, director, producer, actor — so many other “ers” and “ors” supreme, Debbie Allen. She and her former NBA player husband, Norm Nixon, celebrated 40 years of marriage this past spring. There are a few pearls of wisdom that she shared in a PEOPLE article that I want to tell you about; then, I’d like to add a couple of tips of my own.
Hopefully, by the time this piece is done, all of the content will serve as confirmation that if you truly want a marriage that will really go the distance, it’s not always gonna be a rom-com (those are scripted films) or a fairy tale (those are unbelievable stories for children).
Y’all, a long-term marriage is definitely where the big kids play. It’s not for the faint of heart, the selfish of the soul, or the people who don’t say what they mean and mean what they say when they speak their wedding vows. Yeah, “til death do us part” requires sweat equity, for sure. When it comes to building something beautiful, it can be worth your while, though.
Three Things That Have Kept Debbie Allen’s Marriage Together
Okay, first, a big round of applause for the fact that Debbie will be 75 in January and Norm is 68 this month (yep, Debbie married a younger man. Somebody needed that pointed out as a confirmation for their own relationship…call it a feeling). Next, just look at how smooth they move and — shoot — how limber Norm is in this here IG post! Yeah, something tells me that they’ve got (eh hem) another thing that holds them together — yet I digress. LOL.
Anyway, when asked by PEOPLE what got her and Norm to the 40-year mark, this is what Debbie had to say:
“So wherever there have been differences and there have been. Honey, over 40 years, child, we've hit some rocks and hit some walls. But at the end of the day, we really love each other and we sleep together every night and we love our family.”
Did you catch that? No matter what valleys and challenges made their way into their relationship, 1) there is a genuine love that Debbie and Norm share; 2) they sleep together every night, and 3) there is a real love that they have for their family.
What I read between the lines is one, their love isn’t just a feeling; it is a commitment and honestly, that is not taught enough in these premarital sessions out here. Listen, if you are only going to get married based on how someone makes you feel, you really do need to remain single. FEELINGS ARE FICKLE.
Two, they share a marriage bed (Hebrews 13:4) — each and every night. There is no “go sleep on the couch” (I really don’t get how folks get put out of their own bed; imagine if your partner tried to do that to you). Now, peep that she didn’t say that they always go to bed happy or pleased with one another; she said that they make sure that, at the end of the day, they always share that sacred space.
And finally, there is a love that they have for family. Family is a unit. A part of what marriage is about is two people doing their absolute best to keep the family unit together. Yeah, I know that’s antiquated thinking for a lot of folks, yet that’s why many older couples make it past 40 years, and many younger ones can’t even seem to get to five. #justsaying
As I reflected on what Debbie said, it got me to thinking about conversations that I’ve had with married couples who have at least three decades of “I do” under their belts, along with some of the things that I’ve recommended to husbands and wives who desire to reach that goal.
If you’re curious about what some of those things are, I’ve included five of ‘em below.
1. Prepare for Seasons. Ahead of Time.
Getty Images
Although it’s October, and I’m currently waiting for it to be “fall for real” in Music City (geeze), I’ve been getting clothing for the fall and winter seasons since my birthday (which is June). Why? Because the prices tend to be cheaper. The moral to the story here: don’t wait for the seasons to come before you get ready for them — that literally can cost you. Dearly.
This applies to the weather and the seasons of life too. Y’all, when it comes to marriage, specifically, I’ve been known to say that women deserve to have a big and lavish party called a wedding because, contrary to the popular assumption of far too many, you are a BRIDE for a day; then you are a WIFE for a lifetime. Scripture says that a wife is a helpmate (Genesis 2:18).
Even beyond that, the Hebrew word for helpmate is ezer kenegdo, which means lifesaver. If that doesn’t sound like something that requires a lot of energy and effort, I don’t know what does. And here’s the thing — if you go into your union aware of the fact that it’s not going to be a party all of the time, that you indeed will hit some, as Debbie put it, “rocks and walls,” you won’t be so shocked when they happen.
You will already have some tips, tools, and hacks in your arsenal to get through those seasons (check out “10 Hacks To Get Your Marriage Back On Track” and “The Greatest Hack To Get A Marriage Through The Tough Times”). Because, just like you can’t stop winter from coming, at the end of the day, all you can do is get ready; maturity teaches you the same thing about the “winter season” of marriage. Real talk.
2. Give the Mercy and Grace That You Want to Receive
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There’s a Scripture in the Bible that says, “mercies are new every morning” (Lamentations 3:22-23). Interestingly enough, what follows that line is, “great is your faithfulness.” Although this is actually talking about how God loves us, let’s not act like Scripture also doesn’t say that husbands should “love their wives like Christ loves the Church” (Ephesians 5:24). Yeah, from a spiritual angle, marriage is supposed to be a supernatural kind of love.
It’s not supposed to be easy, common or simple. Supernatural things never are. And I can only imagine how many marriages would last if Christians (who divorce more than any other faith in this country, by the way) decided to be merciful and faithful to their partners…on a daily basis.
Yet even beyond that particular religion, imagine what marriage would look like, period, if couples saw being merciful, all of the time, as being an act of faithfulness. And what does it mean to be a merciful person? Merciful people are compassionate; they try to do what they can to reduce the suffering of others. Merciful people are tender; they are sympathetic and gentle (in word, deed, and tone).
Merciful people are forgiving; this one right here? I am floored by how many people want to be forgiven for their mistakes and yet can’t seem to muster up some for others. Yeah, if you’re not a good forgiver, marriage is not for you. Merciful people are tolerant; if you don’t know how to be patient and endure some things, this is also a reason to not jump anybody’s broom.
Merciful people like to be generous and bless others — again, selfish people should never get married. All they care about is what they can get out of something or someone. And then there’s grace.
An uncomplicated way to define grace would be it’s about extending favor to another person — oftentimes when they don’t deserve it (that is key). Favor is about kindness and giving someone preferential treatment (your spouse definitely deserves that). Favor doesn’t keep record or score. It doesn’t go tit-for-tat. It doesn’t “match energy.”
Favor likes peace. Favor likes unity. Favor seeks solutions instead of problems. A lot of marriages struggle because while a certain level of love is present, there isn’t much mercy or grace to speak of.
3. Don’t Manipulate Intimacy
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Whether you’re married or not, you should never use sex (or any form of intimacy, really) to get what you want from another person — and yet, it happens all of the time.
Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how many wives I have had sessions with who will withhold sex in order to get an outfit that is out of the monthly budget or to deflect from being held accountable for something that they did wrong. Sex is not to be a manipulation tool — it’s not something that you are to use to control your partner.
Sex is a physical way to express love to and for your spouse, connect with them in a very deep and profound way, and spend a very special form of quality time together (check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important”). If you attempt to use sex for any other reason, all that really ends up doing is cause a breakdown of trust between you and your spouse, which can lead to resentment, emotional distance, and, before long, possible acts of infidelity.
And just how often should married couples have sex? Studies say that once a week (or four times a month) is a good indication of a healthy sex life between long-term couples. And before some of you hem and haw like that is too much — if you can prioritize 2.5 hours a day on social media, you can find an hour to be intimate with your partner once a week (check out “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex”). Yeah, let’s not play those games.
When you got married, you signed up to have a consistent sex life with your spouse (as much as is physically possible). If you didn’t want to treat sex like a marital responsibility…you already know what I am going to say, right? Sex isn’t a hobby in marriage; it is foundational for its longevity.
4. Treat Therapy Like Oil Changes
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There is nothing like a gaslighting person. Ugh. Right now, yep in real time, I’ve got a friend who recently went through a divorce and another who is going through one of the most challenging times in her marriage ever. The one who is divorced has an ex-husband who constantly tries to guilt trip her about “breaking up the family” when I can personally attest to the fact that his refusal to go through personal therapy and also marital counseling is what brought her to her breaking point.
Just one request and he refused (and still refuses). Then my other friend’s husband’s pride is completely off the charts. Somehow, he is constantly recommending therapy to others while believing that he is not a huge part of the problem in his own home (hypocrite much?).
It's another article for another time about how we need to remain as hypervigilant as possible about removing the stigma surrounding life coaching, counseling, and therapy (including sex therapy — check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). Even beyond that, when it comes to marriage specifically, we need to move past the position that the relationship needs to be two seconds away from divorce before seeking out a professional.
What I tend to advise to married folks is they should look at marriage counseling like a car that needs an oil change — like a car on the road, marriage is also its own kind of journey, and counseling can help spouses to “take each other’s temperature,” unpack any problems (or potential problems) and gain some insight that can help them to avoid certain “bumps in the road.”
That’s why, even once consistent sessions with my clients are complete, I will recommend that they at least check in with me a couple of times a year, preferably once a season. Why? Because, when they say that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, greater words have never been spoken when it comes to the importance and relevance of marriage counseling. Trust and believe, chile.
5. As You Change, Express It
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I can’t tell you how many times I have said that, as far as relationships are concerned, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” When it comes to Denzel and Pauletta, Samuel and LaTanya, Norm and Debbie, I think what makes me honor them most is the fact that…well, think of how many times you’ve gone through some transitions and evolutions, shoot, just in the past three years alone.
For two people to remain committed to one another as they are growing, oftentimes at different times in a myriad of different areas, that deserves its own level of props.
And that actually circles back to what I meant about not basing your marriage on mere feelings. While so many people say that they divorced because “they outgrew their spouse,” isn’t it interesting how some of their close friendships remained intact? That’s because we oftentimes have more patience, compromise, and flexibility for our friends — and oftentimes, that is because we actually value them more than our own partners…and that is because many of us weren’t taught to esteem marriage like we actually should.
Okay, but back to my main point on this one. It’s a given that you’re going to not be the exact same person that you were on your wedding day. Know who else isn’t going to be? Your spouse. True commitment says that we don’t leave because we change; we change, and then we express it to our partner so that we can find some common ground to continue on that path that we said we would walk on…together.
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Best-selling author Dr. Barbara DeAngelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun. It’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” As I close this out, look back at Debbie and Norm on that IG post. Take in the love, humor, and connection that is shared between them.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. A marriage of 40 years isn’t either.
Oh, but how beautiful the end result of both is to behold, right?
Salute.
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Featured image by Rich Fury/Getty Images for The Wallis Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts