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![Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzE1NjM5Mi9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc3NjI3NDYzOH0.lrfZF-c2S3Gb3MxG-yN6K0SHuPN88_XzH0FNmOCX8Nk/img.jpg?width=1200&height=600&quality=90&coordinates=0%2C19%2C0%2C213)
Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?
Yeeeeah, baby. Some of y'all might recall the piece I wrote a while back entitled, "Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife". Whenever someone hits me up to ask, "How in the world did you get into my head like that?", my response is usually something along the lines of, "I wrote it because I've lived it." You know how a lot of people will go through something and say, "I've got the T-shirt" as a way of expressing how much experience in that area they have? Girrrl, when it comes to getting guys ready for the woman they are going to pledge their lives to, I've got the wedding dress, the wedding cake and the bridal bouquet (SMDH). That's a part of the reason why I wrote, "Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again". Long gone are the days when I'm out here acting like someone's wife when they are barely acting like a boyfriend. Also, gone are the days of being out here living like, just because I'm someone's girlfriend, they should get all of the privileges that comes with being a wife. I promise you, the way a lot of folks date out here, it's not teaching them anything about how to be in a healthy marriage; what it's actually doing is prepping them to be cool with getting a divorce (if not multiple divorces). There's a reason why people should take vows before getting someone's all. I'll leave that right there…for now.
Anyway, if there were to be a follow-up article to the preparing a man for his wife one, I humbly would have to say that this would be it. For those of us who've had a pattern of being in dysfunctional relationships—by the way, if a relationship is stagnant, that brings its own form of dysfunction right along with it—I'd venture to say that a part of the reason is because of the two simple words that are in all caps in the title: TO and FOR.
We tend to care more about if a man is good to us when really, the bigger priority should be if a man is good for us. If that makes sense in theory, but you'd like me to expound a bit more in order to really drive the point home, go get yourself a glass of wine and then we'll get into it. Chile…chile.
When a Man Is Good TO You
Recently, while talking to one of my clients about the importance of grieving past relationships, she brought up a guy in particular who she still can't seem to get over, even though it's been quite some time since they were "together". The reason why I put together in quotes is because, when I asked her to explain the relationship and then follow that up with what she currently missed about him, a lot of what she shared was how she felt about him vs. how he actually treated her. For example, she liked his sense of humor to the point of overlooking his tendency to be dismissive of her needs. Or, even though the sex was good, he never wanted to be in a serious commitment. After listening to her for about 10 minutes, I asked, "So, you miss someone who isn't even all that good for you, eh?" She immediately replied with, "No, we have a good time together. He just doesn't always treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated", to which I echoed, "Again, so he isn't good for you."
Some of y'all probably caught on immediately to what I meant, but just to be sure that I am being as thorough as I can, what she illustrated is the difference between a man who is good to you vs. a man who is good for you. You know, there are several men in my past who could make my toes curl who were also real jackasses when it came to emotional availability and reciprocity. During sex, they made me feel good—or, as Tank once said in an interview, they participated in copulation like they were totally in love with me while, outside of the bedroom, they saw me as not much more than "cool people". But outside of that, I couldn't really tell you how they were truly benefitting my life. They were good to me.
Here's another way of looking at it. Recently, while sharing with one of my male homies (who is a relationship coach) about how I'm now processing a man who I once deeply loved, I said, "It's weird but a part of me is even embarrassed for ever caring for him the way that I did." In true men-will-tell-you-just-how-it-is fashion, my friend said, "Shellie, he's always been selfish and kind of a jerk. Your feelings overlooked a lot of that at the time." Yeah, another way that a man can be good to you and not for you is all based on perception. While your friends, family and even your pet is looking at the person who you're all into like, "What the hell?!", you're somewhere in la la land like, "I mean, he's great to me." Meaning, because I think he's great…he is.
Meanwhile, a lot of the time, the person we are all excited about? He isn't anything to really write home about. It's just that our low level of self-esteem, our profound desire to be in a relationship and/or fear of leaving something/someone that we've invested so much time, effort, energy and body parts into, it will have us out here saying, "TO ME, he's wonderful" even while everyone else is like, "Well, he's not TO us." I'm telling you, coming to a point and place of understanding the differences between "to" and "for" can spare you—a lot.
"To" is oftentimes based on seeing only what you want to see.
"To" addresses surface things—having a good time and having things in common.
"To" speaks to charisma and chemistry more than an actual connection.
"To" is more about emotions and hormones rather than rationality, self-awareness and logic.
"To" typically has an expiration date.
Don't get me wrong—"to" isn't bad so much as it should be seen as "the icing" far more than "the cake". That's why, now more than ever, I'm far more interested in a man who is actually good FOR me instead.
When a Man Is Good FOR You
For. Don't sleep on that little three-letter word. For means "intended to belong to". For means "suiting the purposes or needs of". For also means "in the direction of" and "to the advantage of". When a man is good for you, he belongs to you, he suits your purpose and needs, he's walking in the same relational direction as you are and he benefits you, on so many different levels. Now, remember how I just said that "to" has an expiration date? Peep a definition of that word (when it's used as a preposition): "as far as; until". When a man is good to you, that goodness lasts as far as or until—shoot, he decides not to be that to you anymore. Man, what a stark contrast between "to" and "for". Please tell me that you see it.
Y'all, I know some men who are good for their ladies. It's truly a beautiful (and functional) sight to see! One of the things that I like most about men who are good for their woman (anyone who takes issue with my using "woman" here, that was Eve's original name in the Bible; please don't trip—Genesis 2:18-25) is the fact that when someone is truly good for someone else, that reality tends to be across the board. What I mean by that is, he's not good in one or two areas or categories. Homeboy is good—point, blank and period.
Let's step out of relationships for a second, just so I can drive this point home another way. I really like ice cream. Pretty much any kind that has some form of chocolate in it will do. But the older I get, the less dairy and I are friends, so while the ice cream might be good to me, more times than not, it's not really good for me. Meanwhile, something that I can't seem to ever get enough of are grapes (frozen grapes are the total bomb!). Grapes are sweet. At the same time, they are loaded with water, antioxidants, compounds that fight cancer, plus they help to lower my cholesterol levels and support my blood sugar levels being where they should. Other than making sure that I eat them while they are in season, I can't think of one problem that comes with snacking on some grapes—as much as I want to too. That's because they are good to me and for me.
For a lot of us, we opt for ice cream more than grapes. In other words, we are so emotions- and/or hormones-driven that, so long as a man can make us feel some type of way—even if it's only temporary, even if we see the writing on the wall that's warning of us all of the side effects that come right along with him—we'll stay. We'll stay in something that really doesn't have our best interest at heart…until he leaves. And because of that, we end up becoming way too "full"—full of drama, full of distrust, full of toxic patterns, full of bitterness, full of paranoia, etc., etc.—that we won't even take the time off that we need in order to heal or look at the bigger picture so that we can change our palate over to wanting grapes (or whatever your favorite fruit is) instead. Have mercy—sadly, we are so conditioned to only want what temporarily appeases our senses that we we ignore what our common sense is alerting us to. And it's costing us. Dearly. Know who else it's potentially preventing from coming our way? The man who is waiting to be good for us.
So, am I saying that you can't have the "to" and the "for" in your relationship? All you've got to do is read, "My Eureka Moment For Why I'm Not Into 'Nice Guys'" to get that is absolutely NOT where I am coming from. But what I am saying is, if you are putting the "to" before the "for", it's time to do some serious pondering.
What's the point in having great sex with a guy who is constantly breaking your heart?
What's the point in remaining with someone who gives you extreme highs and lows—continually so?
What's the point in staying in something where some of your wants are granted while all of your needs are constantly being ignored?
It's ideal, it really is, to choose to be with someone who is good to you and good for you—both. Yet there is something that I don't want you to miss about that. A guy who is good for you is going to try his hardest to be good to you, anyway. Meanwhile, a guy who is good to you? Yeah, he doesn't tend to prioritize the "for" very much. Hell, he doesn't even really care all that much who is good for him (but that's another article for another time).
You know, recently, I saw a tweet that was like a shot heard around the world. When it comes to this particular piece, I dedicate it to all of the ladies who settle for "to you" guys because when you settle for that kind of man, one way or another, sooner or later, this is what it all boils down to—"Stop blessing people for hurting you, please."
You deserve, I deserve…we all deserve a man who is more than just good to us. Please, wait for the one who is actually good for you. The differences are literally life-altering. Just ask any woman with a "for you" guy. I'm confident that they'll vouch for this. One hundred-fold.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
He Loves You. He's Just Never Gonna Marry You. Now What?
Should Someone Have To MAKE You Feel Loved?
The Right Relationship IMPROVES Not CHANGES You
Common & Angela Rye's Break-Up Reminds Us To Pick A Person—And A Path
Featured image by Shutterstock
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Summer Travel Guide: 9 Safest Vacation Spots For Black Women
When it comes to planning and choosing our international travels, there’s one question that is bound to come up: “Is it safe for Black women?”
At times, our travel plans can be halted by whether or not our desired destination is safe not only for solo travel but for overall protection as women of color. We want to have fun, go on excursions, taste the food, and let our hair down, so the last thing we need on our minds is navigating microaggressions and worrying about our safety.
According to a report by The Mandala Research Firm, 17% of Black Americans take one or more international trips and travel locally more than six times per year. Even more exciting, 42% of Black Americans said they would spend more in 2020 on travel than in 2019 (pre-Covid), and 50% of Black adults (16% more than the general population) are more likely to travel to locations associated with their ethnic or cultural heritage. All of this goes to show that we’re not afraid to pack our bags and book flights to our heart's desire.
Our passion for travel and exploration highlights a growing desire to connect with a wide range of cultures while discovering new fresh locales. By choosing destinations with positive reputations for safety and belonging, you can enjoy your next adventure with peace of mind. And to help, we’ve provided a list of the best vacation spots to add to our travel bucket list.
1.Havana, Cuba
Known for its vibrant culture and welcoming locals, Havana offers a unique travel experience for you and your girlfriends. Stroll through the historic streets of Old Havana and immerse yourself in the lively music and dance scenes that make this city unforgettable.
2.Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Famous for its Carnival, stunning beaches, and warm hospitality, Rio de Janeiro is a lively and safe city to explore all year long. Don't miss a visit to the iconic Christ the Redeemer statue and the bustling Copacabana Beach for a true taste of Rio's energetic spirit.
3.Belize
With its beautiful beaches, diverse wildlife, and laid-back Caribbean vibe, Belize is a safe and adventurous destination for travelers. Discover the underwater wonders of the Belize Barrier Reef and explore ancient Lamanai Maya Ruins.
4.Paris, France
Who doesn’t have Paris, the city of lights, on their travel list? Renowned for its art, fashion, and iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, Paris offers a blend of romance and safety for travelers. Wander through the charming neighborhoods of Montmartre and Le Marais, explore the Louvre, and indulge in the city's exquisite culinary delights.
5.Lisbon, Portugal
Portugal's capital city, Lisbon, charms visitors with its historic architecture, delicious cuisine, and welcoming atmosphere. Enjoy breathtaking views from São Jorge Castle and savor traditional pastries at the famous Pastéis de Belém bakery.
6.Bali, Indonesia
We’ve all seen the viral photos off the Bali coast and Gates of Heaven, so why not make it a reality? Famous for its lush landscapes, vibrant culture, and serene temples, Bali offers a safe and enriching travel experience in Southeast Asia.
7.Tokyo, Japan
Recently, the value of the Japanese Yen has seen a significant drop, making it the lowest it has been against the dollar since 1986, which also means that there’s no better time than now to make your travel plans to the renowned cultural hub.
8.Accra, Ghana
There’s no FOMO like the kind felt from seeing all the beautiful faces enjoying their holiday at Ghana’s Afrochella Festival, so let this be your sign to start planning the trip now. Often referred to as a welcoming home for the African diaspora, Ghana offers rich cultural experiences and a sense of belonging. Explore the vibrant markets of Accra and visit the historic Cape Coast Castle to connect with the nation's poignant past.
9.Seoul, South Korea
You may be surprised to find this city on the list, but for Black travelers, Seoul is said to be one of the safest and most exciting cities to travel to. There will be plenty to eat, buy, and experience from this city’s rich history and culture.
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Featured image by Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images