While getting my nails done a couple of weeks ago, my tech and I tried to figure out what year, in the Chinese calendar, we were headed into. As we came to the conclusion that 2020 was going to be the Year of the Rat, that reminded me to look up what 20, overall, symbolizes. It's quite interesting. You probably already know that 20/20 represents perfect vision. As far as angel numbers go, 20 stands for positivity, optimism and a happy future. On the numerology tip, some associate 20 with relationships and cooperation. In the Hebrew language, the word "kaph" represents the number 20 and also translates into the open palm of one's hand, as if to tame or subdue oneself as an act of surrender. But probably, what stands out to me the most, specifically as it relates to this particular topic, is what 20 biblically symbolizes. It represents—wait for it—"a complete or perfect waiting period".
Now on the eve of the year 2020, watch how all of this comes together like a beautiful Happy New Year present from the Universe via someone else's relational journey.
2019 Marked the (Greater) Evolution of the Artist Common
Personally, I've always appreciated what hip-hop artist and actor Common has brought to the culture. That's why, last spring, I was appreciative when our managing editor Sheriden Chanel allowed me to pen the piece "Common, Thanks For Talking About Black Male Molestation. We Need To More Often". As someone who is making it my mission in 2020 to be very intentional about affirming Black men more often, I wanted to publicly praise Common for his candor and courage. From there, we started to check for Common's evolution more and more via pieces like "Common Admits To Seeking Therapy For His Addiction To Love", "More Than A Rapper, Common Reminds Us Why A Father's Love Is So Important", and "Everything We Learned About Love From Common's 'Red Table Talk'" (which ran last July).
Being that I am, for the most part, a sex and relationships writer, I knew about his on-again-off-again relationship with attorney, commentator and political strategist, Angela Rye (you can check out her The Breakfast Club interviews throughout the years here). Between all of the self-work that Common was clearly doing and the rumblings in the media that he and Angela had gotten back together, in my mind, I was like, "Looks like these two will be jumping somebody's broom come next summer." Especially since, via his Red Table Talk, this came out of his own mouth:
"I would like to be a husband. I think that for a long time, I was in and out with that. Do I really wanna be a husband or am I doing this because this is what society says to? Now, I just want that partnership to be able to experience life, where I'm growing as a human being and kind of just spark each other. It's fun too. I know it's hard at times."
It was right around this time last year when I wrote the article "One Overlooked Yet Obvious Indicator That A Man Is Husband Material". In my opinion, what exactly would that indicator be? A man who says that he wants to be married. A pull-out quote from the piece states this:
Is he dating with a purpose (with that purpose being to find a life partner)? Does he say that marriage is a part of his life plan? Is it evident that he's preparing for a wife and family? And — please get this — does he state that he wants to get married sooner than later? (Meaning within a couple of years rather than him saying something along the lines of "I mean…maybe…someday.")
If you can confidently say "yes" to these questions because you've actually asked him and you heard "yes" come out of his own mouth, then yes, he is marriage material.
So yeah, since Common said, in his own words, that he wanted to be a husband, and since he also put on record that he was seeing someone (who we did later find out was indeed Ms. Rye), it was fair to put two-and-two together. Common was no longer running from love and he was back with someone he deeply cared for. As a bonus, he was interested in marriage. Wins all the way around.
That's why, it initially hurt my feelings, just a little bit, when I heard several weeks back that Common and Angela were no longer together. That is, until I read why they broke up (again). After hearing and processing the explanation, I must admit that I could only salute their self-awareness (peep the last point about self-awareness in the article "These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily") and ask my editor again for an opportunity to share the lesson that I personally got out of their experience. Thankfully, Sheriden obliged. As we're hours away from 2020, it truly is a gem. I can promise you that.
A Great Point via Angela Rye—When You Choose a Person, You Also Choose a Path
Last night, while I was chillin' and internet surfin', I peeped that it was Tyrese's birthday (Happy Belated, sir). BET Soul has a knack for playing an artist's videos on their birthday, so I watched some of his hits (I forgot how many of them there actually were; it's a lot). Anyway, when Tyrese's song "Best of Me" came on, I peeped that part of it says this—"I feel I could conquer the world with you by my side/Cause of your unconditional love baby that's why/You bring out the best in me, cause you are the best baby/And if I had to do it again (I'll still choose you girl)/You bring out the best in me, 'cause you are the best, baby". This just happened to come on while I was reading a Bossip article entitled, "Angela Rye Confirms Common Breakup 'We Will Always Be Friends'". The best means "of the highest quality, excellence, or standing". The best also means "most advantageous, suitable, or desirable". Synonyms for best include first-rate, beyond compare, culminating (that's a really good one), prime, greatest, matchless and unrivaled. Now watch this.
As I read, in Angela's own words (via her podcast), about why she and Common decided to call it quits, for the second time, my initial disappointment transformed into pure excitement. Odd? After you read this, I'm hoping that you won't think so:
"What I would say happened is we broke up. We were together for about a year this time and we broke up, I think it was September-ish maybe, because we just want different things. This was right after the time that I realized I was going to take the second godson, the 9-year-old [Ryan], more often. I had told him about it the day before. We had been talking probably for two months about 'Let's see where things go' because I'm leaning towards 'I want kids' and he was leaning towards 'I don't know,' and I think when somebody tells you they don't know, they don't really want that, they just don't want to hurt you.
"For me, I was like, I'm clear, I'm getting clarity around what I want for myself…so the thing that I would say is he is more established in his career and we have a little bit of an age difference and he has a fully grown wonderful human daughter I love, Omoye, in law school so not wanting to start over is a thing."
Yes Angela. Yaaas. No matter how many articles I write on relationships, nine times out of 10, the messages are for me first. So, back when I wrote, "Is It OK To Love A Man More Than He Loves You?" last spring and "Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?" a few weeks prior to that, I must say that Angela's resolve brought both of those back to my remembrance. How dope it is, really, that two people can care about one other enough to basically say, "I do love you, but I love myself too much to not get all of what I want and feel like I deserve. And since we're not on the same page about those things, we should let each other go…so that we can get to them?" (See "What Loving Yourself Actually Looks Like".) And really, doesn't that look like what Angela did? She wants kids. Common is unsure. They weren't on the same page. It was time to move on. No love is lost; it's simply—redirected.
Something that far too many of us miss when it comes to relationships is something that I share in every premarital counseling session that I can—when you are looking for the right fit for you, it's not just about choosing a person; it's also about selecting the path that you want to be on. There are some guys I've dated who, to this day, I adore. But whether it's their career path, their future plans, or certain priorities that don't complement my own, I stopped seeing them. Not because of who they are as an individual, but because a true partnership, in many ways, walks side-by-side, on the same path. Why be with someone and then fight them at every turn, simply because they are going in a direction that you can't be enthusiastic about or support because it doesn't complement your own?
If you don't want children, why date a man who desires kids within the next two years?
If you're not sure what you think about religion at all, why go out with a man who is a pastor?
If you cringe at the thought of being a "traditional wife", why get involved with a man who has traditional expectations?
If you want to see the world, why get serious about a homebody?
If your libido is off the charts, why consider someone who doesn't make sexual intimacy a top priority?
If you want a constant sense of stability when it comes to one's finances or daily routine, why see an entertainer or entrepreneur?
If you want to get married, why date a guy who doesn't?
This is why, I'm all about people going on dates and asking some real questions while they're on them. Just because someone is fine, funny and shares some of your interests, that doesn't automatically mean they are the right fit for you; that doesn't mean they will complement your life's path. And because each one of us is here to fulfill a particular purpose, and also because we all have certain desires and goals, it's important that we don't get so caught up in "him" that we forget how important our path truly is. It's essential that we apply to our lives what the philosopher Siddhārtha Gautama once said—"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
In other words if, as a single woman, you are distracted by a man instead of loyal to your purpose and desires, you could end up resenting the very man you love, all because you're on a path that isn't BEST—excellent, most advantageous, unrivaled—for you. That won't be his fault either. It will be yours.
Bottom Line: Allow 2020 to “Perfect Your Wait”
And that's why, I think, what Angela shared about her break-up with Common, is actually a really great way to step into 2020. Remember how I said at the very beginning of this that, in the Bible, 20 represents perfection in waiting? Being perfect is about "having all essential elements" and to wait is "to be available or in readiness". Listen, I don't care if you've been single for a while and you're totally sick of it at this point, you've recently broken up with someone, or your relationship is lying somewhere in the balance (if so, check out "Should You Take A Break? Or Break Up For Good?" and "Is Your Relationship Complicated? Simplify It With These Questions")—make the conscious decision to allow 2020 to be YOUR YEAR.
Focus on being clear about the essential elements that you desire—and require—for a successful relationship. Then make sure that you are truly ready for when those things arise. And don't forget that your path is just as important as the person—always remember that "your one" will check both boxes; he will be a great individual and he will complement your journey. Not either or—both.
Common and Angela—thank you for the pearls of wisdom that you shared with us in 2019. It is my hope and prayer that your wait is perfected in the very best way possible. xoTribe, the same goes for you. May 2020 either put you on your path or keep you on it…so that your person can meet you there. Not just any guy. The right one. Just you wait, sis. Just. You. Wait.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
There’s nothing quite as humbling as navigating adulthood with no instruction manual. Since the turn of the decade, it seems like everything in our society that could go wrong has, inevitably, gone wrong. From the global pandemic, our crippling student debt problem, the loneliness crisis, layoffs, global warming, recession, and not to mention figuring out what to eat for dinner every night. This constant state of uncertainty has many of us wondering, when are the grown-ups coming to fix all of this?
But the catch is, we are the new grown-ups.
As if it happened without our permission, we became the new adults. We are the members of society who are paying taxes, having children, getting married, and keeping our communities afloat, one iced latte at a time. Still, there’s something about doing all these grown-up duties that feel unnaturally grown-up. Enter the #teenagegirlinher20s.
If there’s one hashtag to give you the state of the next cohort of adults, it’s this one. Of the videos that have garnered over 3.9M views, you’ll find a collection of users who are overwhelmed by life’s pressing existential responsibilities, clung to nostalgia, and reminiscent of the days when their mom and dad took care of their insurance plans.
no like i cant explain to her why i had to buy multiple tank air dupes from aritzia #teenagegirlinher20s #fyp
The concept of being a 20-something or 30-something teenager is linked to the sentiment of not feeling “grown up enough” to do grown-up things while feeling underprepared and even nihilistic about whether that preparation even matters.
It’s our generation’s version of when we ask our grandmothers how old they are and they simply reply with, “I still feel 45,” all while being every bit of 76 years old. In this, we share a warped concept of time while clinging to a desire for infantilization.
Granted, the pandemic did a number on our concept of time. Many of us who started the pandemic in our early or mid-20s missed out on three fundamental years of socialization, career development, and personal milestones that traditionally help to mark our growth.
Our time to figure out and plan our next steps through fumbling yet active participation was put on pause indefinitely and then resumed provisionally. This in turn has left many of us hanging in the balance of uncertainty as we try to make sense of the disconnect between our minds and bodies in this missing gap of time.
Because we’re all still figuring out what the ramifications of being locked away and frozen in time by a global pandemic will have on us as a society, there really is no “right” way of making up for lost time. Feeling unprepared for any new chapter of life is a natural rite of passage, pandemic or not. However, it’s important to not stay stuck in the last age or period of life that made sense to us because self-growth is the truest evidence of personal progress.
So whether you’re leaning on your inner child, teenager, or 20-something for guidance as you fill the gap between your real age and pandemic age, know that it’s okay to grieve the person you thought you would be and the milestones you thought you’d hit before you ever knew what a pandemic was. If there’s anything that the pandemic taught us, it’s that we have the power to reimagine a better world and life for ourselves. And if we tap into our inner teenager as a compass, we can piece together our next chapter with a fresh outlook.
Sure, we’ve lost a couple of years, but there are still some really amazing ones ahead.
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