Quantcast
RELATED

I was in a relationship for four years with my boyfriend who I met in college before things took a turn for the worst and we broke up. Back then, I found myself so in love with him that I was losing a sense of reality and quite frankly…myself.

I was 20 years old when we first started dating and I had no sense of who I really was. I thought I knew who I was but looking back, chile, I was a hot mess. The insecurities I had acquired from a previous situationship had caused me to walk into our relationship with some serious baggage. It's probably also important to mention that I took no time after my previous situationship to heal and reflect before making myself available again.

66.media.tumblr.com

As a young twenty-something not knowing who I was or what I was becoming, I was more focused on loving and investing in our relationship than I was learning to love myself. I was willing to sacrifice all of me to make sure our relationship succeeded.

And that love I had for him, my desire to succeed in our relationship above all else, became overbearing to him. I wanted and needed ALL of his attention, all of his time and if I didn't, well that just meant to me that he didn't care or love me.

static.wixstatic.com

I needed him to pour his heart out to me every day so that I could feel appreciated and reassured that we were happy and on good terms.

My overbearing love for him eventually started to suffocate him and his dreams. I was slowly weighing down a strong black man. I was pulling him away from time he needed to set aside for himself. I was selfishly forcing him to pour into me…an empty cup.

Eventually, he broke up with me. He had enough of my shit.

media1.giphy.com

As one could imagine, I was heartbroken. Distraught. I couldn't even go shopping at the mall without breaking down in tears. I couldn't focus on school work. I was just out of it. I had poured all of my love and energy into the relationship that when I stared at myself in the mirror, my reflection was unfamiliar.

It took a reality check of losing what I loved most, to realize that you can truly love someone too much. It forced me to reshift my focus and change how I viewed love and relationships.

I was able to reconfigure my love and thankfully was able to salvage my relationship. We have now entered into married life and have learned to appreciate one of the darkest and challenging periods of our relationship. Now married, I know the importance of taking time to maintain a sense of self, whether that's finding a hobby, taking some alone time, or learning how to check myself before I wreck myself and others around me. And thankfully, his endurance for love created a better woman in me.

Giphy

I've learned that it is not until you discover yourself that you'll discover true love in its purest form.

Breaking up was the best thing that happened not only to my relationship, but to myself as well. His endurance for love created a better woman in me. I've learned that it is not until you discover yourself that you'll discover true love in its purest form.

xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.

Featured image by Shutterstock

 

RELATED

 
ALSO ON XONECOLE
Taurus-April-2025-monthly-horoscopes

May is about being patient, nurturing your dreams, and creating beauty in your world. This is a more stable and generous month than the chaos that April brought, and we get an opportunity for closure, healing, and rejuvenation this month. We are still amid some important retrograde transits, but these are ones we can navigate better by grounding our energy in the present moment, and not allowing ourselves to stress over the what-ifs.

With the Sun in Taurus for most of the month, May reminds us that there is beauty in finding your peace and not allowing anyone to disrupt that.

KEEP READINGShow less
Beautiful portrait of an American girl with long curly hair sitting on a flyer in a cafe. woman smiling outdoors

During my 25 years of being a full-time writer, I’ve definitely penned for a few hair magazines and websites before. One time, I remember being asked to cover what might appear to be a really random question — and yet, if you stop to really ponder it, it’s one that has crossed many Black women’s minds: “If I’m going to wear my natural hair, when’s the best time of year to do that and if I’m going to relax it, when should I do that?”

KEEP READINGShow less
LATEST POSTS