While I can relate to pretty much all of the personal content that I write on this site on some sort of level, as someone who decided at 45 that I'm 90 percent sure that I don't want to be a mother (even via adoption), this is one that is really close to my heart. The reason why I say that is because, although I am a doula, a godmother to two (technically three but that's a long story) beautiful girls, and kids and I have a truly remarkable connection (even random ones I see when I'm out), at this stage in my life, I am at peace with not being someone's mom.
It's not like I thought it would turn out this way. I've shared on this site before that when folks ask me if I am a mother, my response is usually something along the lines of, "I'm a mom of four aborted children" because that is indeed the case (check out "Why I Named The Children I Aborted"). I mean, isn't it interesting that when we want to have a child, the moment we see a positive sign on a pregnancy test, we say, "I'm having a baby!" and yet, if the pregnancy isn't desired, suddenly it's a debate if there is significant and profound life growing within? The conflicted resolves of humanity, boy. Besides, I knew what I was doing, every time I got on that table. And while I've spent years healing from the childhood abuse, relational trauma and low sense of self-worth — things that all played a role in why 1993-1999 was such a battlefield for me in this area — on this side of healing, there is a part of me that believes that while I would've been a good mom, if there was a part of me that made the choices that I did because I didn't entirely desire to be one. Not way deep down.
No, I'm not justifying that I should've used condoms more nor am I coming at you like abortions should be a form of birth control. Lord, that's all another discussion for another time and I certainly own my part in my recklessness. What I'm saying is, while I thought in my 20s-30s that becoming a mother was inevitable, throughout my decisions and due to the peace I feel now, I can't help but wonder if I was more caught up in thinking that I was supposed to want to be a mother rather than I actually longed for it to be a part of my reality. Because you know what, y'all? What we really want to make happen in this life, we really do tend to go out of our way to make it so.
Yeah, I know that's pretty deep for an intro yet I thought it was important for me to share because, if you're someone who is currently on the fence about whether or not to have children yourself, it's absolutely essential for you to ponder your own life choices in this area — if you are preparing for motherhood or doing what moves you further away from it. And while you're doing that, how about you ask yourself the following seven questions as well?
1. Do You Even Like Children?
While some folks will look at this question in sheer horror, I know better. That's because I know some really good people who honestly can't stand kids. Not like they want to do them bodily harm (those are psychos) or anything. It's just that, if they could go their entire lives without seeing a child, they wouldn't lose any sleep over it. In fact, what's kind of funny about this is I know a guy who is a dad and while he's actually a pretty good father, he says all of the time that he can't stand children and if he could do life all over again, he definitely would've been wiser on the birth control tip.
Again, this is nothing to feel bad about or ashamed of because there is no rule that says every decent human being has to have a love affair with little people. What I will say, though, is you are definitely selling your potential future children short if you are going to try and love them without really liking them because kids require A LOT and liking them can definitely make the rough days easier. So, if you're someone who doesn't really seek out time to hang with little folks, you're not big on being a "love auntie" or you are more polite to children than embracing of them, it could be because you're cool with them existing yet not super geeked about them being in your personal world. That's fine. Yet again, why become a mom if that is indeed the case?
2. Are You Too “Selfish” to Be a Mom?
The reason why I wrote articles for the site like, "What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?" and "Here's How To Know If You've Got 'Mama Issues'" is because a lot of us are recovering from folks who, let's be honest, were way too self-consumed to become a parent. Some of our needs went unmet because of it. Promises were broken because of it. Hell, some of us barely even know our parents — then or now — because everything in the world but us was made to be a top priority for them. Case in point, I know a guy who says that he knows he's a commitment-phobe to this day, in part, because his mother put her career ahead of him. He was the baby — a surprise. And because she didn't plan on having more than two children, let alone four, she left him in another state with her parents so that she could go pursue her education. Then, once she got it, she spent more time mentoring students via her career than bonding with him, her son. Now, as a direct result, he's afraid of getting serious with a woman and making children with her because he's not sure if he'll make the same kind of decisions that his mom did — not because he wants to; because it's all that he knows. Damn shame.
I can't tell you how many times I've looked across at an engaged couple and rolled my eyes right in front of them and it's all because one or both are way too selfish for a selfless dynamic like marriage. Parenting requires even more selflessness. So, if it needs to be all about you. If you're not willing to make sacrifices. If, in your mind, you are never wrong. If you're not good at being flexible. If you don't know how to humble yourself and apologize for your mistakes and bad decisions. If you've got to "win" all of the time. If you suck at sharing. If your needs always have to come first — if this is you, it's OK to own that.
If you don't want to change, that is totally your right. Yet why you would subject a child to you being that way is beyond me, sis. Selfishness is about being self-consumed. Folks like that need to stay with on their own— not raise some kids.
3. Can You Afford Them?
OK, so here's the thing about this particular point. Did you know that from 0-17, the average cost that it currently takes to raise a child is somewhere around $233,610? That's roughly $14,000 each year. Yeah, kids ain't cheap. Not only that but they shouldn't be raised to feel like they are a burden or that we're somehow doing them a favor by meeting their needs. Back when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit, I witnessed more verbal abuse from parents than I ever would've liked and a lot of it was because the parents were so financially stressed out that they took it out on their children. Kids didn't ask to come here. Adding to that, they are going to have needs on a daily basis. A lot of those needs are going to cost money. For instance, if you decided to have a baby and put them in daycare, the currently average monthly bill that you would get is close to 700 bucks. Whew.
There are so many of us who are still healing from the PTSD of our own parents just "getting by" when it came to financially providing for us. Choosing to put your kids through that simply because "you made it out OK" is a really low bar. No one said that you need to be rich to be a mom, yet you should be realistic about if you can actually afford to be one or not (even if you can't now, be real about if you're going to put a plan in place to get ready before trying to conceive). Then follow that thought up with if you're willing to make constant sacrifices to make sure that they're gonna be good under your watch and care.
4. Are You Emotionally Mature and Self-Aware Enough for Children?
This point right here, boy. Another piece that I once wrote for the platform is "How To Recover If You Had To 'Raise Your Parents' As A Child". I'm not gonna get too deep into how much I can relate to this today. Let me just say that I get triggered when folks say, "I wanna have kids young so that I can grow with them." Honey, you need to be raising them and that requires a certain level of emotional maturity and self-awareness. Unfortunately, a lot of parents — shoot, adults, in general — lack both.
Emotionally mature people are calm. Emotionally mature people hold themselves accountable. Emotionally mature people don't constantly burden others with their "stuff" (especially not kids). Emotionally mature people aren't know-it-alls. Emotionally mature people can say "I was wrong" and "I'm sorry". Emotionally mature people don't hold grudges, pout or manipulate to get their way. Emotionally mature people don't sweat the small stuff.
As far as self-awareness goes, check out "These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily" when you get a chance. For now, what I'll say is a self-aware individual knows their strengths and weakness and are intentional about improving upon both of them.
If you read any of this and honestly felt a little triggered, while that doesn't mean that you should never become a parent, I definitely recommend booking an appointment with a reputable therapist, counselor or life coach to get to the root of why you aren't as "grown up" as you probably should be at this point in your life. Because if there's one thing that a child should not be expected to do is make up for the areas where you are emotionally inadequate. You are supposed to be mentoring them; not the other way around.
5. Have You Healed from Your Own Childhood?
Speaking of sitting on somebody's couch and laying your burdens down, a few weeks ago, I wrote "Childhood-Related Questions That Can Reveal A LOT About 'Him'" for the platform. Listen y'all, the more I work with people, the more I realize, just how much one of my favorite quotes rings so very true — adulthood is surviving childhood. I mean, when I think about my ish and others', about 60-80 percent of it can be tied to something that we witnessed or experienced as a child.
I can give you an example that isn't connected to direct trauma too. I've got a friend who only likes to eat Lunchables when he gets home from work. He's almost 50. When I asked him what the deal was, he said that growing up, that's what his mother left for him until she came home to make dinner. Sometimes, she got home so late that he'd fall asleep and since she didn't want to wake him, that meant Lunchables was all that he had. Now he eats them out of habit. Another example is me and thrift/antique store shopping. It was nothing for my mother to stop by one of those or a yard sale when I was growing up. Now I find myself doing the same thing.
I didn't want to get a lot into traumatic events because I've already gotten pretty deep (I think). Yet I do want to say that we are very innocent, and while resilient also quite fragile, as children. In fact, there are many studies to support that whatever age we were abused/traumatized, we oftentimes continue to emotionally process at that age until we get some help to get "unstuck".
Have mercy. Some of us got beat because our parents got beat and we've already got it in our heads that our kids will experience it because we did. That's not nearly a good enough reason. If you know that you've got some unresolved childhood stuff going on, don't wait until after you have a child to realize you need to work through it. Now is the time to get that stuff handled, as much as possible. If you choose not to, it really is an act of love to not subject a child to the pain that you still haven't healed from.
6. Have You Thought About the Purpose of Parenting?
There's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6 — NKJV)
Here's something that I think a lot of parents miss here — it says in the way your child should go, not in the way you want them to live their life. You know, a quote that I really like says something along when two people are just alike, one of them is unnecessary. Lawd, the amount of parents who need to hear that.
It's not a child's job to become your mini-me (that is sheer ego talking). It's not a child's job to do all of the things in their life that you didn't get to do. It's not a child's job to get on the path career-wise or relationally that you think is best (whew, there are a lot of narcissistic parents in this world. Straight up). No, a good parent is someone who knows that their children are gifts from the Most High and so they need to being in constant prayer and meditation about how to prepare their little ones for being who God called them to be, not what their fallible minds want them to become.
The reason why a lot of people wreck marriage and parenting is because they go into both with absolutely no clue what the purposes are. If when it comes to the topic of having a child, all you hear running through your head is "me, me, me", you definitely need to rethink it. Because any sane parent will tell you that helping another human being become their own best self has very little to do with them and what they want personally.
7. Have You Processed How Permanent Parenting Actually Is?
Just about every time I see that Tide commercial where the grandparents talk about their daughter and all of her kids moving back in with them, I damn near hyperventilate. While I am definitely someone who subscribes to "Parents are supposed to raise adults, not children" (which means a parent's job is to make their kids transition into adulthood so that they can be self-sufficient in every way), even adult children are still their parents' kids. Not only that but sometimes life happens and things don't always go as planned. Take some friends of mine who couldn't wait for their daughter to turn 18. Let's just say that at almost 21, she is still right in their crib. Partly due to her constantly changing her mind about her life plan. Partly due to the pandemic. Partly due to her sucking at saving money.
Moral to the story? If you aren't sure if you want kids but a part of you is like, "I mean, they'll be gone at 18, so…" — don't set yourself up. Parenting, on some level, is until you or your children take their last breath. If even the thought of that freaks you out, don't rush to get pregnant. Because once they're here, they're here. On some level. To stay.
Yeah, I know this was a lot. The good news is there is abstinence, birth control and, to a large degree (especially if you're under 40 and reading this) time. My main objective in writing this is to remind us all that having children isn't a flippant decision and oftentimes, real stuff like this isn't discussed as much as it should be. If after reading what I just shared, you're like, "You know what? I think I'm good", that's something to applaud because responsible parenting isn't just about being a good parent when you have kids, it's also about knowing that you don't want to do what being a good parent requires and so you decide to put your focus elsewhere. Personally, I salute both sides of the coin. I wish more folks had been so thoughtful. And if you took all of this to heart, I'm glad that you are exceptional in this way. I mean it. Salute.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
We waved farewell to summer last week, along with all its highlights. Now we warmly embrace music that encourages us to feel, calm down, and think back on the last enjoyable months and their aftermath. Some of the aftereffects of our summertime delights, like "Lil Boo Thang" and "Guarantee," will make us feel content and that our time was well spent. Other repercussions, like "I Just Wanna Feel Your Love Again" and "No SZNs," are more severe and will leave us contemplating some ill-placed steps while we spiral into deep despair.
Whichever side you find yourself on during this change of seasons, or if you're between, consider adding some of these new singles to your playlist to help mourn what's left of this summertime weather. While also welcoming the possibilities that only autumn's beautiful breeze can create.
1.Doechii - "Pacer"
Oh, Doechii, how we have waited for you at every door and corner for what seems like an eternity; yet we are so grateful that you have finally arrived. Doechii has released another single to further demonstrate her versatility after releasing one of the summer's most popular songs. With "Pacer," Doechii, who stunned us with her vocal range on "What It Is," goes back to her rapping roots. The TDE phenomenon starts the song out completely unhinged. With a blood-curdling scream, similar to fellow TDE artist Jay Rock, Doechii gathers her clique to prepare for battle, as though she had just returned from a fierce altercation.
However, instead of amassing casualties upon those who doubted her, Doechii plans to render them inept under the weight of her accomplishments and accolades. She acknowledges that she has arrived at her success later than she had hoped, but says she is on "God's time," and that while reaching her level of achievement later than others, she has done it regardless and with enough assurance to intend to remain for a while.
2."No Statements" - ScarLip
No matter what rap music you play these days, there is always a critic waiting to proclaim that rap and hip-hop are dying. Although part of what they say is true, they haven't yet detected the faint pulse that keeps the business alive. If the naysayers would quiet down long enough to hear that fading pulse, it would be the sound of female rappers smashing through locked doors in an attempt to reclaim its strong and steady beat. One of those rappers, besides Doechii, is ScarLip.
ScarLip, who is 22 years old, fresh off the success of her 2022 "Glizzy Gobbler," has dropped her newest single "No Statements." The rapper says in "No Statements" that she is not in the business of snitching, making statements, or leaving a paper trail of her wrongdoings, but rather needs to be fully aware of the circumstances so she may proceed with her decisions. It would be difficult to not hear people humming this song for weeks to come, because of the catchy chorus and straightforward lyricism. Maybe after this, critics can follow her lead and refrain from making detrimental statements.
3."How Were We To Know" - Emeli Sandé
How were we to know? We ponder this question after a relationship has ended and everything has been put out on the floor to be either picked up and rebuilt or swept away and abandoned. How were we to tell if the connection would burn to the ground or vanish into thin air? How could we have known that the person we intended to spend forever with would be gone the next day? How were we to recognize all the signs when they were arranged randomly and incomprehensibly? In this query, we pardon ourselves for not being omniscient. We accept responsibility for failing to recognize the apparent facts that were put in front of us.
Emelie Sandé asks the same questions in her most recent song, "How Were We To Know." She ponders how she might have known that the relationship was doomed. But as the song goes on, it becomes obvious that she, just like the rest of us, could have easily figured it out if we had communicated better, assigned blame less frequently, and set aside our egos.
4."Angel" - Halle (Acoustic Performance)
At the beginning of August, Halle Bailey released "Angel," her debut single as a solo performer. In less than a few hours, the piano-driven ballad that explored what it is like to be a Black woman growing up in this tiresome, neglectful environment captured millions of listeners and became an anthem for all sun-kissed girls. With beautiful lyricism that acknowledges the weight unfairly burdened upon Black women, Halle reminds audiences that they are in fact angelic, despite the demons that appear out of the woodwork to tell us otherwise.
When one falls, they fall "onto clouds" and find a way to make their way through the limitless struggles bestowed by simply existing. After all, as I said before, black women are the only things to ever grow without nourishment. As if the song couldn't be lovelier than the original rendition, Halle debuted an acoustic version of the smash a couple of weeks ago to demonstrate just how genuinely heavenly she is.
5."No SZNS" - Jean Dawson and SZA
Every day is like the day before. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west, and everything beautiful and dismal that can happen occurs in between. The seasons bring a certain ambiance that allows for differentiation between the past and the present, but only if you're in a place where it matters, and the changing of seasons can be felt. If not, then every day is every day. In "NO SZNS," by Jean Dawson and SZA, this simple fact is mentioned repeatedly in the chorus; but the reality of every day being the same creates an unshakeable melancholy that can only be felt through their lilting vocals and sometimes abrupt instrumentals.
They appear to be pleading for some other truth, because they find it difficult to accept that each day will be the same as the last, and that, despite the passing of time and the changing of the seasons, we are doomed to repeat the at times idyllic, terrifying cycle.
6."Black Dress" - 070 Shake
It's unfortunate that not as many people tune in to 070 Shake as frequently as they ought to. Despite becoming popular with her song "SCAR" on Beyoncé's The Lion King: The Gift, many people are still unaware of how good she is as an artist. The unclassifiable New Jersey musician, whose music is tough to define, has released "Black Dress," in preparation for her second album, You Can't Kill Me. The brand-new 070 Shake track "Black Dress" is a sensation with a haunting feel.
The song has strong, churning guitars, hazy synthesizers, and trap 808s that help to create an eerie and encapsulating, daunting melody. Shake plays the sole survivor of an aircraft accident in the popular song's music video, which was shot by Noah Lee. She is originally stranded in a tree with her parachute before descending to the burning wreckage below. When she finally touches the ground, she performs a song deserving of the fame she will one day enjoy.
7."You" - Lola Brooke ft. Bryson Tiller
What's that I hear around the way? Oh, another female rapper here to save the day? With the help of Bryson Tiller, Lola Brooke's newest song, "You," aims to kick off this cuffing season in the 90s. The rapper, who is relatively new to the hip-hop scene and who recently released the single "Don't Play With It," samples Foxxy Brown's popular song "Get Me Home" on this nearly three-minute tune.
In time for the fall, Brooke and Tiller's powerful voices and sensuous vocals have created the ideal song to dance to while searching for love. In her lyrics, the 29-year-old displays both her Brooklyn heritage and the characteristics ideal in a potential suitor. By the end of the song, it is clear that Brooke plans to move through this cuffing season with intention and refuses to settle for anything less than what she deserves.
8."Guarantee" - Black Eyed Peas
No matter how far into the future we are, you can always depend on the Black Eyed Peas to come from a more vibrant, lively, and distant time period than our own. The trio speaks about having what other people need in their newest song, "Guarantee," off of their 2022 album ELEVATION. In this single, they assert that they can elevate all that is freely provided to them, leading to greater love, knowledge, and total pleasure.
Promising endless satisfaction, they show what is guaranteed if only given the opportunity. With a fun summer mix and poppy, futuristic beat, "Guarantee" is one of the dance songs the endless heat has to give.
9."Lil Boo Thang" - Paul Russell
It is almost ridiculous how often this song has been played throughout the summer, to not have made it in time to be a summer hit. But with only the first 30 seconds available to audiences via TikTok, it had no other choice but to be a glimmer of what it could have been. Nevertheless, now that Paul Russell's "Lil Boo Thang" has been made available, it includes a much lengthier version of the endearing summer song about liking someone enough to be open and honest about one's intentions.
In this short song, he sings of all the potential and affection he can bring to the relationship if only given the chance. Concluding with a nice homage to The Emotions' "Best of My Love," "Lil Boo Thang" might be able to reclaim the love it was unable to receive in the summer this fall.
10."I Just Wanna Feel Your Love Again." - Montell Fish
If Kevin Abstract, Leon Bridges, and Moses Sumney had a baby, I'd imagine it'd be this Montell Fish single. In "I Just Wanna Feel Your Love Again." Fish laments the end of his relationship and the unrestricted love that came with its demise in this song. Without her affection, the need and want to be with her consumes his weekends and moments, but he is always left pleading and alone.
To make matters worse, he is compelled to navigate the world knowing how wonderful it is to experience everlasting love and realizing that he is unlikely to come close to doing so again. As he sings over a guitar and echoing backing vocals, the song has a loneliness that cannot be placed into words. Ultimately, his longing to once again experience his love's devotion feels almost unearthly and forever out of reach.
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