

For those of you who are college graduates, what I'm about to share may serve as a walk down memory lane. And for those who are about to go (or are currently enrolled), please take it as a bit of a cautionary tale.
Whenever the topic of college, as it specifically relates to sex ever comes up, I usually say that it reminds me of really wack free hotel situation. In most cases, there's barely any dating going on. Typically, you like some guy and he likes you (and I even use "like" loosely), then either after getting tipsy at some party or talking for a couple of hours on the phone, one of you walks over to the other's dorm, has sex and probably doesn't even spend the night.
Lordy, lord. Although I took heed to some wise advice my freshman year (something along the lines of avoid having sex on the yard as much as possible), minus my late fiancé, I had three other partners while I was in school. For one guy, in particular, I walked clear across campus, 80 percent of the time, to get it on with him. Right. He didn't even come pick me up (and yes, he had a car). One of my male besties (to this day)? There was a chick who used to call him and (get this) plead to come over and give him fellatio. Sometimes I'd be in his room and he'd literally say, "OK, but hurry up because I've got plans later." SMDH.
College sex, boy. All that freedom yet oftentimes not enough self-esteem or self-awareness to know what to do with it.
Thankfully, God willing, you start to live a little more life and your standards and expectations begin to shift—greatly so. Now that I am in my mid-40s, I can promise you this: The trash talking, quickie sex and low bars that I used to settle for aren't even a bleep on my radar. My fellow Black sistahs, please hear me and hear me good. Whether you're in your early 20s, my age or older, allow me a moment to share with you the kind of sex you should always expect—with no hesitations or apologies; the kind of qualities that grown women have learned to fully and consistently expect.
Passionate
I'm a passionate person. Unapologetically so. And if there's one thing that was a total non-negotiable back when I was gettin' some (click here to read about where I'm currently at on the sex tip), it's that my partner had to be passionate too. Personally, I prefer a man to be that way across the board, but since we're talking about sex right now—deep kisses, face holding, verbally expressive…intense, erotic and even lust-filled in the sense of having a strong sexual appetite and being extremely enthusiastic (almost as if it's the first time) every time we're together. Whew chile. Grown women know exactly what I talk about. A passionate lover rarely disappoints. That's why this trait tops the list.
Creative
I'm a Gemini and if you know anything about us, you know that a signature trait is we tend to get bored fairly easily; that's why a lot of us are able to thrive and succeed in a creative space. But I think that when it comes to sex, all grown women would agree that a man who approaches it from the headspace of being originative and inspired is the kind of man who not only catches but keeps our attention.
You know what I'm talkin' about. A man who wants to try new positions. A man who initiates exploring the less sought-after erogenous zones. A man who doesn't settle for how good sex was the last time; that's in the past. He is all about outdoing himself the next time. A creative man doesn't have to be the biggest or even the best ever. The mere fact that he constantly seeks to bring something new and sexy to the table makes him a winner in a grown woman's book.
Fulfilling
Back when I was in college, there's a guy that I used to fantasize about all of the time. He was a deep dark chocolate. His body was muscular perfection. His smile was radiant. Oh, that man was fine. Little did I know that he had an interest in me too and so, after about four semesters, we decided to hook up. Unfortunately, what I created in my mind isn't what went down. He was so busy trying to show off all of his tricks that I felt like he was trying to turn me into his handy little contortionist than actually checking to see if I was enjoying the sex or not.
I was in my early 20s at the time, so I didn't stop him to tell him how wack he was. But bae-bay, let a man try that foolishness now and see what happens. I don't care how much a man thinks he knows about sex or has decided in his mind that he's blowing my mind, if I'm not satisfied by the experience, I am not impressed nor appreciative.
Grown women want to be fulfilled. Not once in a while. Constantly. In order for that to happen, a man has to be interested in what we want; not just willing to give what he thinks we will like. Oh, and if he's grown too, he won't want us to fake it to please his ego. If the climaxes ain't real, he'll keep trying until they are.
Emotionally Mature
Emotional maturity is such an attractive trait when it's applied in any room of the house. But the way that it translates into bedroom action is emotionally mature people act responsibly (they use birth control); they are flexible (they're open to exploring new things that they wouldn't normally consider on their own); they are non-judgmental (about their partner's sexual past); they take a realistic approach to things (sex doesn't look like it does in the movies; it takes time to feel and figure your partner out) and they know that there's more to a healthy relationship than off-the-charts sex. Therefore, when they aren't getting everything they want outside of the bedroom, they are (yep) emotionally mature enough to let the sex go.
Reciprocal
"Reciprocal" is such a great word. It means mutual. It means matching. It means equivalent. It means complementary. It means give-and-take. When you have a partner who reciprocates the energy, effort and time that you're putting into sex, it's hard to imagine it not being good. Shoot, better than that. A reciprocating partner is not comfortable with only gettin' theirs. They don't want you to be the only one who initiates, comes up with creative things to do or shows how romantic sex can be. If you take things up a notch, they are gonna try to outdo you in the very best ways possible because the last thing they want you to get out of bed thinking to yourself is, "I can think of at least 10 other things that would've satisfied me more than this guy."
When you're young, sometimes all you care about is size and maybe technique. When you're older, while those factor in, when you're able to find a man who is consumed with familiarizing himself with your body and conforming himself to the point where, as India.Arie once sang in the song "Brown Skin", "I don't know where yours begins, I can't tell where mine ends"—that's when you know you've got a winner regardless.
(Fun fact about size: The most intense nerve endings in our vagina is in the first two inches of its opening and the average size of a man's erect penis is 5". So yeah, focus on the reciprocal more than a man's size. I'm fairly certain that you'll get better sex if you do.)
Consistent
It's no secret that Beverly Hills, 90210 (the original one that is about to premiere somewhat of a reboot soon) was one of my favorite shows back in the day. Sometimes, while I'm writing these articles, I'll catch some of the reruns that still come on. I remember that one time, Kelly was talking about the best kissers she's ever had. She told her friends that, "Colin wins for intensity and Brandon wins for consistency, but nothing is like that night at the cove with Dylan." (Sigh. RIP Luke Perry.) You know what's funny? While some of y'all would take Colin (intensity) or Dylan (most memorable), my ears perked up at Brandon!
Think about it for a sec. Would you prefer a man who makes you climb the walls on your birthday and Christmas or someone who made sure you had at least an 8 (on the orgasm scale of 1-10) climax each and every time?
I've been with men who I had a really great experience with, a couple of times (even though we had sex more than twice). I've also been with men who, I knew what I was getting each and every time, and while it might not be a "Dylan", it was definitely a "Brandon". I was gonna be pleased and it was gonna be good. Maybe not always an A+ night but never ever below a B. NOT. EVER. I am cool with that; especially the older that I get.
Private
For the record, private and sneaky are not the same thing. If you and your partner are sneaking around, it's probably because you have something to hide. Be careful. Although secrets can be quite seductive, sometimes they can come with consequences that you're not totally prepared for. Private, on the other hand, is about wanting certain things to be sacred. It's about not needing to always give a, pardon the pun, blow by blow, even to your closest friends. It's about being totally OK with intimacy being and remaining, well, intimate. It's about enjoying the fact that a part of what makes sex so special is that it's between you and your partner only. If you want to keep it that way, even outside of the bedroom (or wherever you do it), that's OK. Totally.
Grown women? If they are married, the only details you might get is the sly grin on their face whenever their husband's name comes up. If they are single, you might not even know they've been having sex…until after the relationship/situationship is over.
There's no real rhyme or reason really. You just weren't the one they were involved with. Simple as that.
REAL
Why did I decide to end this thing with the word "real"? It's because real things revolve around truth and facts. A grown woman doesn't factor in how she feels about her sex life and her sex partner without taking the truth and facts about the situation into total account. She looks at the truth of what she and he are feeling. She accepts the facts of what comes along with the sex acts that she participates in. She doesn't fake orgasms, she doesn't do what makes her feel uncomfortable and she also doesn't automatically think that just because the sex is great that the relationship is healthy. She even takes in the truth and facts when it comes to how physical intimacy affects the matters of the heart too.
A grown woman knows that real sex is the best sex and she doesn't settle for less.
Just like a grown woman should.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
You Don’t Have To Choose: How Black Women Can Care For Others Without Self-Sacrifice
One of the primary instructions we receive before a flight takes off is to prioritize putting on your life vest first if there’s an emergency, even before assisting others. It’s funny how this rule rarely translates to the daily routine of women.
As women we are taught, directly and indirectly, to put others first. Whether it’s our romantic partners, kids, parents, friends, or even our jobs. Mental health survivor and founder of Sista Afya Community Care, Camesha Jones-Brandon is challenging that narrative by using her platform to advocate for Black women and their right to self-care.
Camesha created the organization after her struggles with mental health and the lack of community she experienced. The Chicago native explains how she created Sista Afya to be rooted in “culturally grounded care.”
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“So at my organization, Sista Afya Community Care, we focus on providing mental health care through a cultural and gender lens,” she tells xoNecole. “So when we think about the term intersectionality, coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw, we think about the multiple identities that lead to certain experiences and outcomes as it relates to Black women.
“So in the context of culturally grounded care, being aware of the cultural history, the cultural values, and then also the current issues that impact mental health outcomes.”
Words like “strong” and “independent” have long been associated with Black women for some time and many of us have begun to embrace the soft life and are using rest as a form of resistance. However, some of us still struggle with putting ourselves first and overall shedding the tainted image of the “strong, Black woman” that had been forced on us.
Camesha shares that while there’s more and more communities being created around empowerment and shared interests like running, she still questions, “are Black women really comfortable with being vulnerable about sharing their experiences?”
Being vulnerable with ourselves and others play an important role in healing the instinctive nature of always being “on” for everyone. “I'm currently facilitating a group on high functioning depression, and yesterday, we talked about how when Black women may be struggling or have shared their concerns with other people. They may be minimized, or they're told to just be strong, or it's not so bad, or I went through something worse back in Jim Crow era, so you should be thankful,” she explains.
“So I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people. So that is probably a very common theme. I think we've made a lot of progress when we talk about the superwoman syndrome, the mammy stereotype, the working hard stereotype, the nurturing stereotype. I think we're beginning to unpack those things, but I still see that we have definitely a long way to go in that area.”
I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people.
Roman Samborskyi/ Shutterstock
While we’re unpacking those things, we know that we’re still women at the end of the day. So as we continue to serve in various roles like mothers, daughters, sisters, and caretakers, we have to make caring for ourselves a priority. Camesha reveals four ways we can still care for others without abandoning ourselves.
Trust
First things first, trust. Camesha explains, “Some of the burdens that Black women have can be linked to not feeling like you can trust people to carry the load with you.
“It's hard because people experience trauma or being let down or different experiences, but one of the things that I found personally is the more that I'm able to practice trust, the more I'm able to get my needs met. Then, to also show up as my best to care for other Black women.”
Know Your Limitations
Another thing Camesha highlighted is Black women knowing their limitations. “The other thing that I would like to bring up in terms of a way to care for yourself is to really know your limitations, or know how much you can give and what you need to receive,” she says.
“So often, what I see with Black women is giving, giving, giving, giving, giving to the point that you're not feeling well, and then not receiving what you need in return to be able to feel well and whole individually. So I really think it's important to know your limitations and know your capacity and to identify what it is that you need to be well.”
Don’t Take On A Lot Of Responsibilities
Next on the list is not taking on so many responsibilities, sharing herself as an example. “The other thing is taking on too much responsibility, especially in a time of vulnerability.
“One thing that I personally struggled with was being so passionate about community mental health for Black women, and saying yes to everything and taking on so much responsibility,” she reveals. “That affected me to do well in serving Black women and then also impacting my own well being.”
Practice Self-Care
Lastly, she notes the importance of practicing self-care. “The last thing is really practicing regular self care, regular community care, so that it's embedded into your daily life. So for me, having prepared meals, going to the gym, getting eight hours of sleep, spending time with friends and family, all of those things are part of my self care that keep me at my best,” she explains.
“Then community care, leaning into social networks or social groups, or spending time with other interests or hobbies. That's a part of my community care that keeps me going, so that I can take care of my needs, but also to be able to show up best in care for others.”
Find out more about Camesha and Sista Afya Community Care at communitycare.sistaafya.com.
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