As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer. If you have a story you'd like to share but aren't sure about how to put it into words, contact us at submissions@xonecole.com with the subject "As Told To" for your story to be featured.
This is Nikeya Burnett's story, as told to Charmin Michelle.
I was stressed.
And not the day-to-day stress where you drink some wine, take a cute bubble bath, and hope that tomorrow will be a better day. No, this was the overwhelmed-sized; where I needed to completely disconnect from civilization.
My entire family was headed to Jamaica for a wedding and I considered going as a means for an outlet. Eventually, I knew I couldn't be around that chaos while I was in that particular headspace, so I told my family I wouldn't be able to attend. I secretly decided on a solo vacation instead.
With Aruba being only 20 miles long and six miles wide, I knew this would be the perfect location to get myself together. I bought my ticket, packed my bags, and headed out.
I landed in Oranjestad, Aruba on a scorching day in June and was completely blown away by the feel of the island. The smell, the beauty, the people. Aruba is a paradise made up of everything you can imagine so seeing the serenity that surrounded me, showed me a different level of assurance that I had never experienced before.
I thought to myself, Sis, this is exactly what you need.
My Airbnb was in walking distance from the main street, which worked in my favor. I was able to walk everywhere and feel safe, even at 2 o'clock in the morning. It sounds crazy but I really didn't fear anything so I would walk around and ask for the best local spots for food, drinks, clubs, etc. Everyone I had an encounter with was super friendly, open to helping tourists, and full of island vibe tings.
I found a bar to grab food and drinks when I randomly ran into two ladies who recognized me from the airport. They noticed I was alone and invited me over to their table for girl talk, dinner, and drinks. We naturally hit it off and ended up hanging out for hours—and once we started, it was as if we had known each other for years. They told me they had been best friends since they were kids and were on the island to celebrate a 30th bday. Each of the ladies owned their own businesses which I admired, being that this was a step that I had always wanted to take, but hadn't yet made that leap. We exchanged numbers and made plans to meet up again throughout our stay.
I returned to my room already revitalized.
I hung out with the ladies again the next day for a fun night out on the island. This time, they had an addition to the squad, as another had arrived for the celebration. But it wasn't until the following day at dinner that influenced my mindset's shift:
I made reservations for dinner for myself that night, but later found out that the ladies had dinner plans at the same place. So, my solo dinner turned into a group outing, which I absolutely did not mind, and in hindsight, ended up being a fateful redirection. We talked all night about life and goals and our vision for the remainder of the year. We discussed plans, actions, and knowing how to manifest everything we deserve. I was so fulfilled, way beyond any salvation I was originally seeking when I arrived. Here I was, working at a stressful dead end job. I had an advanced industry skill set and was sitting on a gold mine of ideas, while each of these ladies owned their own businesses and were living as inspiring bosses on an island where I was just looking for sanity.
In essence, they just went for it, while I was still waiting for the right moment.
Photo Courtesy of Nikeya Burnett
After my trip and when I arrived back in NY, I took time to reflect on what my purpose was. I knew Aruba had changed my life—and I knew I had to step out on faith. So, I quit my full-time job.
That right moment for me had officially arrived. I was terrified.
I have an extensive background in medical billing/health plan benefit advisory and working directly with cancer patients as an office coordinator at a cancer center. I decided to focus and build upon my industry's niche specialization and open a brick-and-mortar salon to assist in educating and filing health insurance claims to help all medical hair loss clients (cancer and alopecia), as well as assist in convincing health insurance companies to cover full or partial costs of cranial prosthetics (wigs).
Yes, guys. My very own salon. One of the first in the country that specializes in cancer patients. All stemming from taking the time to disconnect and focus on my self-care.
We are all going through it. And sometimes all we need is to take the time for ourselves to clear our heads. Learn to just take a moment. It doesn't have to be a trip to Aruba, it can be a 2-hour drive to simply distance yourself from yourself. But put you first, it's not possible to pour from an empty cup. I was the go-to girl that didn't feel like I had someone to go to. I swept so many emotions under the rug and tuned out the signs of healing. It all took its toll and I did something about it.
To my queens who unknowingly inspired me to go for it:
Thank you.
Universal alignment pushed me toward a journey I was so scared to take. A chance meeting during an unforgettable vacation developed the beast in me. You never really know who you inspire in this life, so take full advantage of any interaction that you're privileged to be a part of.
Explore, network, have faith, and believe that you can manifest everything that you want in this life. Doors have easily opened left and right for me on this beautiful rocky journey of entrepreneurship.
And it all started with Aruba.
To keep up with Nikeya, you can follow her Instagram here. To learn more about Nikeya's Salon, visit her website.
Featured image courtesy of Nikeya Burnett
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
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Unmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
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Okay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
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If off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
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A friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
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It’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
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I once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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