

So, if you've been rocking with this site for several years now, you might vaguely recall an article that I wrote, a couple of years back entitled, "Why You Need To Grieve Your Past Relationship." The bottom line was if you don't make the time to go through the five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance — even when it comes to the ending of a romantic relationship, you could 1) mistake a lack of thorough and proper grieving for still loving someone and/or 2) prolong the process of healing, so that you can actually move forward.
Today, while this topic is somewhat along these lines, I'm actually going to touch on something a bit different. The reason why is because, after watching a movie where one of the female characters said, "How dare you not be the man I thought that you were in my mind," I felt it was also important to address that sometimes, we as women have a tendency to send ourselves through stress, strain and total emotional upheaval — not so much because the guy we were (or are) seeing did anything "wrong" to us or even because anything tumultuous happened in the relationship. It's simply because, if we're being really real with our own selves, we know that we wanted "him" to be someone he's not — and that is what we need to grieve so that we can know what to do next.
If that paragraph totally resonates with your mind, body and spirit on some level, let's walk through how you can grieve who you thought the man you care about was…even as you're catching on that he's not really that person at all.
Be Honest: Have You Been Ignoring Some Somewhat Subtle Red Flags?
Wanna know a sign of being a low-key control freak in relationships? When you ignore red flags under the guise of "I can change him". While this way of thinking is pretty common, I don't know if it's addressed enough, just how arrogant and presumptuous that sounds. Who are we to change anyone? That's not our job in any kind of relational dynamic. Yet when folks are of this mindset, they can be so caught up in what they think they are capable of doing — or even should do — that they will dismiss all kinds of blaring red flags.
How do I know? I used to struggle with being a control freak in this lane and it definitely caused me to overlook some stuff that I shouldn't have. And just what are some red flags that are beyond obvious ones like abuse or blatant disrespect? If you and the guy you're seeing don't want the same things (for instance, you want to be married and he absolutely does not). If you and the guy that you are seeing have different standards and values. If you and the guy you are seeing communicate poorly (like you chalk up constant arguing to being playful banter; relationships need to be peace-filled as much as possible).
If you and the guy you are seeing define things like exclusivity in dating in totally different ways. If you and the guy you are seeing are not doing a good job at meeting each other's needs. These are just some examples of what are considered to be signs of an unhealthy relational dynamic; still, so many people ignore them because whether it's fear, ego, or both, they tell themselves, "I mean, I might see that this person isn't the right fit but because I already decided that they should be, I will make them fit by trying to make them be who I want."
What a lot of folks who think like this don't realize is, the moment they've got to apply force (or even manipulation) in order to try and make something manifest, they actually need to be seen as a red flag to other people. Because y'all, it is off-the-charts crazy, just how many individuals will ignore signs that someone isn't a good match for them, believing that they will put their blood, sweat, and tears into turning them into something else and then acting like that person is the bad guy when things don't go as they planned. No one is the villain just because they didn't succumb to an agenda that consisted of trying to change them into something that they're not. And just why does this happen so often? I mean, besides the control freak thing? This brings us to my next point.
Did You Cast Him into Your Fairy Tale Without His Knowledge…or Permission?
Living for the fairy tale. Personally, I close-to-loathe that phrase. I've shared before that it's because I know that fairy tale means "a story, usually for children" and "an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief". You know, not too long ago, someone asked me what has surprised me the most about adulthood; the first thing that came to my mind is how many "old children" there are. In this lane, the stories that are often told to children are ones that far too many adults are still using to program their own minds when it comes to romantic situations.
Is it wrong to want to be in a relationship that you can describe as amazing, wonderful, and fulfilling? Absolutely not. At the same time, when you run with phrases like "my Prince Charming", I mean, don't even get me started on how even the Bible says that "charm is deceitful" (Proverbs 31:30); for now, we can just go with…who do you know is married to a prince? And if we tie this into fairy tales, do you ever hear what happens after the "…and they lived happily ever after part" of the story? Chile, we don't have a clue what Prince Charming and Cinderella went through after their wedding day. It's like we're left to make the rest of the story up.
And that's kind of my point. If you are still leaning into a "fairy tale mentality," you also can make up narratives to go however you want. If you're not careful, you can also carry that into your relationships with men. Before you know it, you've decided that some guy you like should be some leading character with all of the traits that you created in your mind. Then, you find ways to "sway" him into fitting into those roles — oftentimes without him knowing that that's what you're up to or that he wasn't even asked to sign up to go through those kinds of emotional contortionist positions.
Hey, I never said that this article was going to be an easy one. I simply said that sometimes grieving who you thought someone was is something that needs to happen. If you know that you've been guilty of coming up with your own story and then inserting some man that you like into it, script and all, this is a reality that must be faced. Otherwise, you are more of a villain in your own fairy tale than you will probably ever choose to accept.
Is Denial a Pattern for You (Especially in Relationships)?
Those of us who work in the lane of therapy/counseling/life coaching know that it's pretty common to have clients who use a state of denial as to their front line of defense when you're trying to confront them about something. And what are some telling indicators that someone is indeed living this way? They refuse to talk about their issues (or they don't tell all of what has led up to them). They are constantly on the defensive. They only share the good stuff. They find all kinds of ways to justify their mindset, behavior, or patterns. They "edit out" what they don't want to face head-on.
One of the boyfriends from my past, I was in a lot of denial about. I wasn't really physically attracted to him. I carried 90 percent of the financial burden in the relationship. He loved me more than I loved him while I wanted different things at a different time than he did (for instance, he actually loved me enough to marry me while I wanted to get married much sooner than he did; I ignored that I didn't love him enough because marriage was such a personal priority at the time). Yet because I wanted to be cherished so badly and I had already invested so much time into us, I spent a lot of time denying what was while telling myself to ONLY focus on the good. In the long run, it wasn't worth it. Living in denial rarely is.
The thing about making denial a pattern in your life is it's directly connected to self-delusion and self-deception. So, when it comes to this particular point, if you're not sure if you're living in denial when it comes to your relationship or not, ask some of your friends what they think. Real friends only want what's best for us and because they are not mentally, emotionally, and perhaps physically invested in the guy we're with in the way that we are, they can pick up on "hold up signals" in a way that we simply cannot. Can't. Yet still, need to.
Is Whatever’s Disappointing You Deal-Breaking Material?
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?" The reason why I'm mentioning it here is that, while it might seem on the onset that my recommendation to grieve who you thought someone was means that you are to kill and bury the relationship altogether, that is not necessarily the case at all. Again, the five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. So, what I mean is if you are in a constant state of irritation or even frustration because the man you want or even prefer (because want and prefer are not exactly the same thing) doesn't exist even though you keep trying to make want you want or prefer to be so, sometimes you really need to face that you are 1) in denial; 2) angry; 3) using pressure, ultimatums, manipulation, nagging and/or control to bargain with him to change; 4) you might actually be somewhat depressed about your situation (a profound definition of depressed is "anger turned inward") and so 5) it's time to accept reality for what it is.
And in this case, what you really need to come to terms with is, can you ACCEPT him for who he ACTUALLY is, or do you need to accept that you both should probably part ways, so that you both can be with someone who want try to change either one of you? One of the most helpful ways to come to the decision that you need to make is when it comes to who he truly is, are you upset because things aren't going your way, or are there real deal-breakers on the table? For instance, if you told yourself that he will become uber romantic and he just isn't that guy, can you deal with that long-term? Or if you told yourself that physical attraction doesn't have to be that important yet it's affecting your intimacy with him, can you really learn to adjust, or is it not something that you can get past? Or if he's all that you want in a husband but he has stated, more than once, that he doesn't want to get married (check out "He Loves You. He's Just Never Gonna Marry You. Now What?"), where do you go from here? Like, for real, for real?
A part of the reason why it's crucial to go through the grieving process whenever someone reveals themselves to not be who we thought they were is because it's the acceptance of this fact that helps us to make wiser decisions when it comes to what to do about the relationship, moving forward. If you don't grieve all of this, you could remain stagnant. And in this case, on a lot of levels, unfortunately, that typically equates to settling.
If This Stuff Applies to You, GRIEVE.
A writer by the name of Anne Rophe once said, "Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life." To me, this is one of the best ways to bring this article to a close. I say this because, if you now know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you are grieving, not so much who a man actually is but who you thought he was, you can embrace the fact that it's not until you fully acknowledge the loss of that version of him that you can start to remake your life — whether that means coming to accept that it needs to be with him which includes the reality of the facts of what you're actually dealing with or alone so that you can 1) learn to become more honest with yourself about seeing people for who they really are so that 2) you can start dating and building with someone from a more realistic perspective.
And what should the grieving process look like?
Journal out what you've been in DENIAL about and why. While you're at it, if you know that all of this is a pattern of yours, write about that too.
Give yourself the opportunity to be ANGRY about what you've been denying so that you can get out your frustrations and not take them out on him. If this means venting to a friend or even speaking with a counselor, please do it.
Determine NOT TO BARGAIN over what you want vs. who he is. While all relationships require compromise and it's important to realize that it's rare to get everything that you want on your list from someone else (check out "The Pros & Cons Of Creating A 'What I Want In A Man' Checklist"), if you feel like you're making concessions that are going to leave you completely unfulfilled, long-term, you need to understand that aren't making the true definition of what a sacrifice is — "a surrender of something of value as a means of gaining something more desirable". No one should feel like they've got to convince themselves to stay with someone else. Bargaining is oftentimes doing just that.
If you come to the decision to end the relationship, it's OK to feel SAD. Clearly, there were some good things about the person and the dynamic that caused you to stand. Internalizing your emotions will just prolong the healing process.
ACCEPT whatever you ultimately decide to do. If you decide to stay, be intentional about not trying to change him. If you decide to leave, be disciplined enough to not go back until you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you can accept him as-is; that you will only be there to support him in the changes he desires to make based on the man he needs to become vs. the man you want him to be (because that is not always or automatically one and the same).
Grieving can be hard. Shoot, harder than even that. This includes when it's tied to something like conjuring up an image in our mind that doesn't actually exist. But if you do it, you allow healing and clarity to manifest — and when you approach relationships from this space, you are more whole, you are more relaxed and you are better able to see things for what they are, not for what you want them to be. And then you can make wiser mate selection decisions from that. I know this from very up close and personal experience. So, grieve it out, sis. Grieve it all out. The pain won't last forever and you'll be the better for it. You truly will.
Featured image by Getty Images
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy
Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Relationship Timeline
Sterling K. Brown and Ryan Michelle Bathe are one of our favorite Hollywood couples. We can't get over their adorable moments together on the red carpet and on social media. While they're both from St. Louis, they didn't meet until college, which they both attended Stanford. And the rest is as they say, history. Read below as we dive into their decades-long relationship.
Mid to Late1990s: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Meet
Sterling and Ryan met as freshmen at Stanford University. "We were in the same dorm freshman year...that's kind of how we met," Ryan said in an interview with ET. "I was mesmerized," she said after watching him audition for the school play, Joe Turner's Come and Gone. Sterling revealed that The First Wives Club star was dating someone else, so they started off as friends.
"She got cast in the play as well, and we would ride bikes to rehearsal, and we would just talk. We found out that we were both from St. Louis. We didn't know that we were both from St. Louis, like, our parents went to rival high schools. We were born in the same hospital. Like, we were friends," he said.
The first few years of their relationship involved many breakups and makeups. However, they ended up graduating and attended NYU's Tisch Grad Acting Program together.
Early 2000s: Sterling K. Brown Tells Ryan Michelle Bathe She's 'The Love Of My Life'
The Paradise star opened up about telling Ryan that she was the one. "We broke up for three and a half years before we came back into each other's lives," he said. "She was on the treadmill working out, and I had this epiphany, 'I have to go tell this woman she's the love of my life.'"
"I go to her apartment, I tell her, and she's like, 'Well, I'm working out right now,' and I was like, 'No, I can see that—I'll just talk to you while you're on the treadmill,' and she's like, 'Well, I feel like going outside. So I'm gonna go on a run,'" he continued. "So I'm like dressed [in a suit], and she starts running through Koreatown, and I start running along with her. Brother had to work, but it was well worthwhile."
2006: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Tie The Knot
The St. Louis natives eloped in 2006 and a year later held a larger ceremony. According to the bride, the best part of their wedding was the food. "The best thing about it was the food," she told ET.
"Can I just say, sometimes you go to weddings, and you get the winner-winner chicken dinner and you're like, 'I pay. OK, it's fine.' But I wanted people to remember their experience -- their culinary experience. So I was happy about that. The food was good."
2011: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Welcome Their First Child
In 2011, Sterling and The Endgame actress welcomed their first son, Andrew. In a 2017 tweet, Sterling revealed they had a home birth. "An unexpected home delivery is something my wife and I went through ourselves with our first born, so this was round 2 for me!" he wrote while referring to a scene involving his character Randall, in This Is Us.
2012: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Appear On-screen Together
A year later, the couple acted together on the Lifetime series Army Wives.
2015: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Welcome Their Second Child
In 2015, Sterling and Ryan welcomed another son, Amaré. Sterling shared an Instagram post about their latest addition to the family. "1st post. 2nd child. All good! #imoninstagram," the Atlas star wrote.
2016: Ryan Michelle Bathe Joins Sterling K. Brown On 'This Is Us'
Ryan guest appears on her hubby's show, This Is Us.
Sterling K. Brown Reveals Ryan Michelle Bathe's Mother Didn't Like Him At First
During their sit-down interview for the Black Love series, Sterling revealed that Ryan's mother wasn't a fan of him, which caused friction in their relationship.
2024: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Explain How Jennifer Lopez Once Broke Them Up
While visiting The Jennifer Hudson Show, Sterling and Ryan share their hilarious Jennifer Lopez break-up story. "We had just gone out, we were living in New York City, we were in grad school, and we had gone to see a Broadway play and we came back to my place and my roommate was playing the ["Love Don't Cost A Thing"] video on MTV," Sterling said.
"Now I'm a fan of Jennifer Lopez's dancing, and I was watching the video and I knew my young...21, 22-year-old girlfriend was looking at me watch the video. And I know I'm not supposed to have a reaction. In trying NOT to have a reaction, what had happened was, my eyes began to water."
Ryan jumped in, "Otherwise known as, TEARS! I turn around and my boyfriend is weeping, tears like big fat [tears]. And I'm looking and she's just a shakin' and a shimming, and he's just crying. I said 'Oh no, I got to go.' "
2024: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Launch Their Podcast, We Don't Always Agree
The couple launched their podcast, We Don't Always Agree, where they disclose more intimate details about their love story.
Feature image by Chelsea Lauren/Shutterstock