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I'm A 40-Year-Old Widow & I'm Grieving On My Own Terms
"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to." - Elizabeth Kubler Ross
No, I'm not strong. Please stop telling me that.
I'm surviving. I'm in survival mode every single day. I'll never get over the loss of my husband because this isn't a playoff game that we lost or a job that I didn't get.
I lost my husband. I lost my best friend. My son lost his dad.
View this post on InstagramA post shared by Dr. Alisha Reed|Success Coach (@flywithalishareed) on Aug 24, 2020 at 5:37am PDT
In school, we are taught about the stages of grief––the textbook explanation. I'm also aware of the importance of grief counseling…I'm a mental health advocate. Yes, there are five stages––denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance––but there is no set timeline on how long these stages last or even if they are in that particular order. On any given day, I can go through these stages because I've learned that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
This was my process.
Denial
My Thoughts:
This can't be happening to me. I'm only 40 and he was only 43, and now I am a widow. I am a single mom. Life with him was supposed to be like a fairy tale and he was my happy ending. We were supposed to travel the world together. We were supposed to build an empire. It's not supposed to end this way. Maybe when I go to bed and wake up, he will be here. Come on Moe, stop playing. This isn't funny. I know that I said some things, but I didn't mean it.
The Reality:
Until you lose your spouse, you will never know the pain. It's hard to accept that the "love of your life" is gone. With acceptance comes the acknowledgement of your feelings. You have to give yourself permission to feel every emotion possible. One day your heart will heal and your circumstances will change. Until then, it's OK to be angry...
Anger
My Thoughts:
OK, so it's just like that? He left me with all of this to take care of. He could've told me that he was going to leave us. How am I supposed to plan a funeral? I've never done that before. What am I supposed to tell our son? You ruined Christmas! How am I supposed to raise a Black boy on my own? What am I going to do with the house? What about your car? You just left me with your law practice? I'm so mad at you right now. You better not come back.
The Reality:
I read somewhere that "grief is the price that we pay for love." That's what we get for falling in love. I've experienced a lot of heartache my lifetime, but this hurt my soul.
Courtesy of Alisha Reed
"Grief is the journey, not a destination. It's messy and you have no choice other than to just have to 'sit in it'."
Acceptance
My Thoughts:
"Miss me, but let me go."That's what you always told me. I really miss you, but I get it. It was time for you to go. Heaven needed you more. I know that you are still here though. Sometimes I look up and know that it was you. I understand it now and it's time for me to spread my wings. I feel your presence. You taught me how to live. You taught me how to always bet on myself. Thank you.
The Reality:
How I choose to grieve will not be how you choose to grieve. "Society" always wants to place an expectation or time limit on someone else's experiences. You can't. It's my journey and I'm grieving on my own terms. If I want to post a photo on social media, update my Facebook status, have a drink with friends, send your calls to voicemail or ignore your text…it's my right.
I'm grieving on my own terms. I've always been unapologetic, but now, I'm on another level.
The day that Moe died, a part of myself died. I will never be the same person I was.
I heard him say that it's time to FLY…First Love Yourself. The truth is, I don't know who I am anymore and it's time to find out.
*This article was originally posted on FlyWithLish.com.
Featured image courtesy of Alisha Reed.
Dr. Alisha Reed is a Mother, Pharmacist, Certified Life Coach and Creator of the lifestyle brand Fly with Alisha Reed. Since 2014, after starting her brand Nola Bougie, Alisha has inspired women to live their best lives by becoming the best version of themselves. But on December 23, 2019, Alisha's entire life changed, and she began to question her purpose and message when her husband passed away at the age of 43. Heartbroken and now a widow as well as a single mother, Alisha was met with the question "how do I go on from here?" In order to live your best life, honor those you've lost, and defeat self-doubt you need to First Love Yourself. Alisha is still self-proclaimed bougie, but Fly with Alisha Reed showcases and encourages women to see that there is so much more than that.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."