What It Means To Date Again After Losing The Man You Loved
It was a quiet Friday morning in September.
I got up early to get my 6-year-old daughter ready for school. My husband had lost his job a few months before, so I opted to make coffee at home instead of making my usual stop at our nearby McDonald's. I thought to myself, I'm just going to do my part. Frustrated by the previous months my husband and I had been experiencing, it was clear to me that some changes needed to be made as soon as possible. After grabbing a convenient to-go cup from the pantry, my daughter and I hurried out of our third floor apartment that morning. As we closed the door behind us, neither of us bothered to announce our departure.
We returned home later that evening around 5:30PM. I reached for my keys to unlock our apartment door. As the door opened I immediately saw my husband lying on the kitchen floor with his feet sticking out into the hallway. I was instantly overcome with panic. Is this the part when I call 911? Is this a set up? Go hide baby. I don't want you to see this!
A long 20 seconds passed as I scrambled for my phone to call 911. He's not breathing. I need help. Please come quickly... What do you mean do CPR?
I hysterically attempted CPR on the man I loved so dearly and despised just as often. I tasted strawberries on his breath. I watched as my air filled his lungs. I watched his blue face slightly change from white then back to blue. Is this working? The paramedics arrived, and I hung up the phone. I watched both of our lives fade away that evening.
Within weeks of grieving my husband, I soon discovered he was leading a very different life than what I had known.
His life was consumed by drugs, women, lies, and many secrets that were just too much to bear. Shortly after, I found myself with this new sense of freedom and urge to start over and start dating again.
I quickly learned that not much had changed in the dating scene, but it was much different dating as a widow than seven years ago. After months of having roller coaster emotions surrounding my husband's death and going on many failed dates, I'd like to shed some light into the world of widowhood by sharing what one can expect from dating a widow, and how to cope with earth-shattering grief while dating.
We Are Not Over It
I went to work that morning as a married woman and came home only to find that I had been widowed six hours prior. I loved this man. We had a daughter together who embodies all of the good things he was. Grief does not manifest itself when we tell it to. Grief does not turn off when we want it to either, but this also does not mean that we can't fall in love again. It does not mean that we will never marry again. It does not mean we can't return to normalcy, laugh till our stomachs hurt, or even take risks. It simply means we have experienced a loss that we will cope with forever. We are not over it, and you don't have the right to tell us that we should be one year from now, or ten years from now.
The Difference Between Dad & Husband
Although I pride myself on being honest with my daughter about the details surrounding my husband's death, her memories of him are not quite the same as mine, but I have vowed to preserve her truth by acknowledging the good things she has to say about him. We are mothers who have children that mourn and adore their fathers. Sometimes our schedules are no longer as flexible and our money isn't as available as it once was. We would be lying to say we don't crave your attention and want to be with you every single day, but adjusting to being a single mother is a whole new monster we have taken on. We lost a set of hands, eyes, income, and so much more. Don't be flaky. Everyone's time is valuable. Be mindful of the adjustments we have to make with our children.
We Aren't Interested In Pity
I remember having the "why are you single" conversation with someone. His eyes got wide as he slightly tilted his head, Oh your husband died? Oh man, I'm so sorry. We experience so many triggers day in and day out. There is never the right moment to tell someone that you are a widow. It is very awkward trying to comfort the person on the other end of the table who has just heard the news for the first time. We don't want your pity. If anything we simply want your understanding, and we appreciate seeing how you will handle this new information. Will you run for the hills? We hope not.
Sex Is Desired
This is probably the hardest thing to address as a widow. Isn't it too soon? I thought you "weren't over it". How can you feel connected to anyone this quickly? In many areas of our lives, we are allowed to have more than one. We can have more than one child, buy more than one house, and even have more than one job. When it comes to partners and especially after an untimely death, we are often shamed for entertaining the idea of dating, but especially sex. The truth is we want to have sex again. Fun, passionate, fulfilling sex.
Discovering the truth about my marriage changed the way I viewed companionship and motherhood. Losing my husband forced me to reevaluate all of my relationships but most importantly the relationship I had with myself. I am now ready to take on a new journey of love by educating those brave people who take on the challenge of dating a widow and empowering widows to pick up the pieces, start over, and love again.
- As Told To LadyLauraCo
Featured image by Shutterstock
Born and raised in Newport News, VA, LadyLauraCo is Editor-in-Chief and creator of LadyLaura.Co, the blog and brand. As a lifetime writer, Laura hopes to reach young women all over the world by providing connections to literature and art, travel advice, and practical ways to pursue their best lives.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Summer Travel Guide: 9 Safest Vacation Spots For Black Women
When it comes to planning and choosing our international travels, there’s one question that is bound to come up: “Is it safe for Black women?”
At times, our travel plans can be halted by whether or not our desired destination is safe not only for solo travel but for overall protection as women of color. We want to have fun, go on excursions, taste the food, and let our hair down, so the last thing we need on our minds is navigating microaggressions and worrying about our safety.
According to a report by The Mandala Research Firm, 17% of Black Americans take one or more international trips and travel locally more than six times per year. Even more exciting, 42% of Black Americans said they would spend more in 2020 on travel than in 2019 (pre-Covid), and 50% of Black adults (16% more than the general population) are more likely to travel to locations associated with their ethnic or cultural heritage. All of this goes to show that we’re not afraid to pack our bags and book flights to our heart's desire.
Our passion for travel and exploration highlights a growing desire to connect with a wide range of cultures while discovering new fresh locales. By choosing destinations with positive reputations for safety and belonging, you can enjoy your next adventure with peace of mind. And to help, we’ve provided a list of the best vacation spots to add to our travel bucket list.
1.Havana, Cuba
Known for its vibrant culture and welcoming locals, Havana offers a unique travel experience for you and your girlfriends. Stroll through the historic streets of Old Havana and immerse yourself in the lively music and dance scenes that make this city unforgettable.
2.Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Famous for its Carnival, stunning beaches, and warm hospitality, Rio de Janeiro is a lively and safe city to explore all year long. Don't miss a visit to the iconic Christ the Redeemer statue and the bustling Copacabana Beach for a true taste of Rio's energetic spirit.
3.Belize
With its beautiful beaches, diverse wildlife, and laid-back Caribbean vibe, Belize is a safe and adventurous destination for travelers. Discover the underwater wonders of the Belize Barrier Reef and explore ancient Lamanai Maya Ruins.
4.Paris, France
Who doesn’t have Paris, the city of lights, on their travel list? Renowned for its art, fashion, and iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, Paris offers a blend of romance and safety for travelers. Wander through the charming neighborhoods of Montmartre and Le Marais, explore the Louvre, and indulge in the city's exquisite culinary delights.
5.Lisbon, Portugal
Portugal's capital city, Lisbon, charms visitors with its historic architecture, delicious cuisine, and welcoming atmosphere. Enjoy breathtaking views from São Jorge Castle and savor traditional pastries at the famous Pastéis de Belém bakery.
6.Bali, Indonesia
We’ve all seen the viral photos off the Bali coast and Gates of Heaven, so why not make it a reality? Famous for its lush landscapes, vibrant culture, and serene temples, Bali offers a safe and enriching travel experience in Southeast Asia.
7.Tokyo, Japan
Recently, the value of the Japanese Yen has seen a significant drop, making it the lowest it has been against the dollar since 1986, which also means that there’s no better time than now to make your travel plans to the renowned cultural hub.
8.Accra, Ghana
There’s no FOMO like the kind felt from seeing all the beautiful faces enjoying their holiday at Ghana’s Afrochella Festival, so let this be your sign to start planning the trip now. Often referred to as a welcoming home for the African diaspora, Ghana offers rich cultural experiences and a sense of belonging. Explore the vibrant markets of Accra and visit the historic Cape Coast Castle to connect with the nation's poignant past.
9.Seoul, South Korea
You may be surprised to find this city on the list, but for Black travelers, Seoul is said to be one of the safest and most exciting cities to travel to. There will be plenty to eat, buy, and experience from this city’s rich history and culture.
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Featured image by Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images