This September, I heard the words that no one wants to hear: "You've been furloughed." I felt the numbness, confusion, and hopelessness that many humans across the world have experienced in the past several months. While I always knew that being furloughed or laid off was a possibility, I couldn't have prepared for what it felt like to lose my job. However, in October, I heard the words that everyone wants to hear: "You're hired!" Not only was I hired, but I nearly doubled my salary... in a pandemic… exactly one month after I had been furloughed.
The job hunt wasn't easy, but I learned so much along the way and hope that my experience can help others who are dealing with the same fate.
I started by changing my mindset.
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Being furloughed or laid off during a time when the job market has been flipped upside down is a nerve-racking experience. When I heard the news, I knew I had two choices: I could either wallow in my self-doubt, or I could channel all of my newly found energy and free time into finding a new job and advancing my career.
I instantly changed my mindset from viewing the furlough as an L to thinking of it as a chance to level up.
I know positive thinking didn't land me my job, but it did change the way I interacted with interviewers. I believe the genuine and positive energy I brought to each conversation increased my chances of landing the job.
I invested in professional career services.
That's right, invest. Spending extra money after being furloughed was not the easiest decision to make, but I knew it would be an important investment in my future. I am an advocate for LinkedIn premium, so one of the first things I did was reactivate my subscription. I also believe that a professional resume writer can take you very far. There is a lot of conflicting information out there about resumes. Should my resume be one page or two? Is a PDF better than a Word document? How can I beat the ATS system? I left these questions and more to my trusted resume writer who I have been working with for the past three years. Before getting my resume professionally spruced up, I received interviews with 10% of the companies I applied to; after my resume reset, I landed job interviews for 80% of the roles I applied to.
I networked like never before.
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As an introvert, this wasn't easy for me. A few hours after I was furloughed, I sent out emails to people in my network, letting them know what happened and asking them if they would be willing to connect. Every person I reached out to was more than willing to help. I also joined Slack channels like #HIREBlack and connected with recruiters from companies I wanted to work with. Finally, I used the Paying It Forward worksheet to meet allies who are top execs at some of the biggest companies in the world. Although my job offer didn't come from a referral, connecting with people opened up my pool of options and let me know I had a safety net to fall back on.
I became comfortable with rejection.
And I was rejected A LOT. But I 100% believe that every 'no' gets you closer to the perfect 'yes'. Because I knew from the beginning that rejection is a part of the process, I was able to bounce back immediately after every rejection email. Rejection stings, but getting to the interview stage at any company is an accomplishment in itself and assured me that I was on the right track and was competitive in the pool of applicants.
I prioritized self-care.
ShutterstockDuring the first week of my job search, I made the mistake of spending 100% of my time applying, interviewing and networking. I would wake up in the middle of the night to check LinkedIn or read interviewing tips. This was not only unhealthy but also unsustainable. I decided to treat my job search like a 9-5 work day. I blocked off time on my calendar for job searching and interviewing and I also scheduled time to do things completely unrelated to finding a new position. I focused on getting enough sleep, doing something that made me happy each day, and meditating to calm my frazzled nerves.
Taking care of my mind and body allowed me to be more present and deliberate during the times dedicated to the job search.
I want to be clear, my job search wasn't perfect. I low-balled myself, I missed emails, I didn't rely on my support system as much as I could have. But because I invested in myself and my network, I was able to find a company and hiring manager that believe in diversity, equity and inclusion.
Ultimately, being furloughed was a blessing in disguise for me. It forced me out of my comfort zone and showed me that greater things are available and achievable. If you've been furloughed or laid off, I hope my journey inspires you to not give up and know that the next big thing for you is right around the corner.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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