Sometimes, I really do wonder what communication would be like if folks didn’t just use words but really thought about their meaning beforehand. For instance, I’ve shared before that I’ve never (ever) been fond of folks (and it’s oftentimes church folks, at that) who say that “men are hunters” (check out “6 Things Church Taught You About Dating That Weren't (Fully) Biblical”). To me, there is nothing compelling, appealing, or even comforting about thinking that men like to track women down like they’re a deer in the forest or something. Besides, women are to be seen as gifts from the Lord, not acquisitions. I’ll pass.
Another saying that irks me? All variations of “You have to chase after what you want.” Listen, just because something is popular, that doesn’t always or automatically make it right. To chase something (or someone) is “to pursue in order to seize, overtake, etc.,” “to pursue with intent to capture or kill, as game; hunt,” “to drive or expel by force, threat, or harassment,” and “to follow or devote one's attention to with the hope of attracting, winning, gaining, etc.” — and honestly, most of the best things that have ever happened to me, I never had to chase…and, after I break down where I’m coming from on all of this, I think you just may come to a similar resolve yourself.
Are you ready to accept that you don’t have to “chase” in life as much as you may think? Let’s do this.
Your Purpose
GiphyNo exaggeration, it’s got to be at least 2-5 times a month when I find myself wishing that Dr. Myles Munroe was still with us. And honestly, I can’t believe that this fall marks 10 years since he, his wife, and several others died in a plane crash. Since I am a marriage life coach, I really enjoy a lot of his takes on marriage (check out some of his videos on YouTube sometime; if you’re single, start here); however, what initially put me onto him was his passion when it came to helping people to discover their purpose.
In fact, it used to be that, whenever I would describe him to other people, I would say that his purpose is to help people to discover their purpose. And what an honor that is being that all of us were literally created and are currently existing because we have a special and specific purpose to manifest.
Now, what I don’t think I was prepared for is how much I would find my own self writing on the topic of purpose. Take this platform, for example, and the several times that I’ve addressed it, one way or another: “5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose,” “Still Don't Know Your Purpose? Answer These 7 Questions.,” “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose,” and “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'.”
I think what makes me so…unexpectedly passionate about it is that I know the sense of peace, wholeness, and real joy that comes with knowing what your purpose is. I think I also pen on the subject because I’m also aware that, reportedly, only 25 percent of people in this country think that they know what makes their lives meaningful (yeah, that low of a count is absolutely not good) — and there is no way that you can come to that conclusion without having a real sense of purpose.
Otherwise, even if you love your partner, your kids, your other loved ones, your job, your place of worship, and whatever else, there will still be an emptiness inside of you. Why? Because, before all of that, you were given a purpose (bookmark the word “given” because I will come back to that) — and THAT should be your top priority, under God, above all else (and I do mean ALL else).
That’s a part of the reason why I dig (so much) that Hebrew and African cultures (which, if you pay attention to the Bible, are one and the same on a lot of levels…some of y’all will catch that later) are big on not just naming children something that sounds cute; they believe that your name should speak to your purpose in life — and that when someone says your name, they are declaring your purpose in real-time.
My name? It’s Hebrew. Sheli literally means “mine” and “Mine; Belonging to Me.” It’s a bit of a long story, yet it basically speaks to being in covenant with God. And my purpose? It’s very covenant-driven when it comes to the topics of marriage, sex, and the (biblical) Sabbath. I talk about all three as if they are a literal part of my being — like air and water. It’s kinda wild. And you know what? I didn’t have to go chasing after my purpose. Nope, I was born with it — it was given to me. And no, I’m not exceptional here. You were born with a purpose, too. Not one bit of chasing is required.
The challenge is that it can be very easy to minimize the extreme importance of knowing why you are living on this planet at this very time or to get distracted and not prioritize figuring your purpose out. When that happens, you can end up chasing all kinds of stuff…because you’re not fully in “life alignment.” And just what do I mean by that? When people ask me how I ended up doing what I do for a living, something that I can honestly say is that I CHASED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it.
My writing gigs didn’t require a ton of effort. My book deals actually came to me. When I toured with the porn and sex addiction organization, we found each other because we shared the same publisher. When I was a teen mom director, a boyfriend’s mom at the time was on the board of the non-profit and she referred me. I used to be a house poet along with a writer who got me my column gig at a paper here. I’ve had example after example.
Even from my very beginning, my mom is who gave me my name, and she said that, as a toddler, my favorite toy was shaking newspaper, so she knew that I was a writer — and here I am. Even on this platform, I write about marriage and sex quite a bit, and I’m even able to throw in the Sabbath from time to time. Because I know what my purpose is, I make decisions that align with it, and although that has required gifts, talents, skill, and patience at times…THERE HAS BEEN NO CHASING, THOUGH.
To tell you the truth, it kind of reminds me of the author Paulo Coelho's quote: “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” — and y’all, when you want to fulfill the reason why you exist in the first place…no chasing has to happen. Remain laser-focused, hella self-disciplined, and confident, and the universe will indeed have your back.
So, if you feel like you are doing a lot of “chasing,” especially in the professional realm, do some real soul-searching to make sure that you are operating/functioning within your purpose. Because having a good job and thriving in your purpose are not automatically one and the same. The first, you may have to chase. The second? It’s already in you — and when you commit to the latter, you’ll be amazed how well it tends to…commit right back with doors that will open in a way that only your purpose can make happen for you.
Your Dreams
GiphyNapoleon Hill once said, “Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.” Anais Nin once said, “Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.” Katori Hall once said, “Follow your intuition, listen to your dreams, your inner voice to guide you.” Andy Ruiz, Jr. once said, “As long as you pray and believe in your dreams, anything is possible.” Vin Diesel once said, “It's insecurity that is always chasing you and standing in the way of your dreams.”
If you pay really close attention, there is something that all of these quotes have in common — they pretty much speak to your dreams already being a part of you. Oh, and did you also peep that Vin Diesel said that it’s not your dreams that you have to chase…although your insecurities will seek to seize, capture, threaten...chase you down so that your dreams will not come true? Interesting.
Okay, so dreams. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m someone who dreams on a nightly basis. I’m also someone who remembers most of my dreams. Yet what actually are dreams? Although kind of like the common cold not having a cure, science is still trying to figure out what dreaming is all about (yep, even after all of this time). What it knows for sure is dreams are a series of images, thoughts, or feelings that occur when we’re asleep, that our most intense dreams happen when we’re in REM sleep, that they are involuntary, typically happen in first-person and waking life oftentimes are a part of our dreams.
Why do we dream? Some researchers say that dreaming helps us to organize our thoughts and process certain emotions (especially ones that we may be suppressing while we’re awake) while others say that it’s a way for us to “replay” something that transpired so that we can process it differently.
Whatever the case may be, the one thing that we know for sure is you don’t have to chase your dreams; they come to you when you’re asleep.
Well, when it comes to the dreams that you have for your (waking) life, if you really stop to think about it, those tend to “come to you” too. As one author explained in a post on her site, when you’re clear about what your roots and values are, and then you factor in the experiences that have made you who you are, the ambitions that are birthed out of that, they tend to be your dreams — your vision for your life.
Now that you know this, journal about your roots, values, and experiences. Next, think about what your dreams, your vision, and your goals are as a direct result of those three things. Did you really have to “chase” anything to have those dreams? Or did they mostly arrive as a natural result — a next step in the evolutionary process?
Now, do you see why I don’t believe that you have to chase your dreams either? The ones that happen when you’re awake and asleep tend to come to you — just like you were born with your purpose. While we’re here, as I touched on a bit earlier, your insecurities would like to try to hunt you down IN THE HOPES of keeping you from your dreams. Yet isn’t it interesting that if they are chasing after you…that must mean that you are running away from them? Hmm…(some of y’all will catch that later).
Everything Else
GiphySo, if you are born with your purpose (no need to chase it) and your dreams come to you (no need to chase them) — why in the world would you need to chase after anything or anyone else?
Although it took me many years to have this ah-ha moment in my own life, hear me when I say that when you are in your purpose and you are focused on developing your dreams (which is absolutely not the same thing as chasing after them), for one thing, you don’t have a lot of time left over to chase after anything or anybody. Bigger than even that, though, when you are in your purpose and focused on your dreams, you tend to be drawn to the people, places, things, and ideas that will COMPLEMENT your purpose and your dreams.
You start to realize that who and what “fits” like a puzzle piece in the overall picture of your life — they almost effortlessly do just that. You don’t have to beg, hunt, convince, hound — CHASE. What will help you to manifest your purpose, what will help you to reach your dreams, “it” will, as they say, “understand the assignment” and be just fine with it.
Okay, so am I saying that no effort on your part will be required? C’mon now. There is a lot of space in between chasing and being flat-out lazy. Yes, you will have to put in some work….sometimes hard work. However, that’s still not the same thing as chasing, though. And honestly, even the tamer definition of chase that I mentioned earlier? You know, “to follow or devote one's attention to with the hope of attracting, winning, gaining, etc.”?
Listen, I’ve never had to devote my time, effort, and energy in THE HOPES that my purpose and dreams will come to fruition. Now, there may be a few instances where the doors didn’t open; however, isn’t that the same thing as something not being a good complement for you — whether it’s during a particular time or season…or…EVER?
Because sis, just as sure as I am typing all of this out, I can tell you that if something (or someone) is going to help you to take your purpose and dreams to the next level in a way that will not cause you to compromise who you are and/or who you are meant to become (that is key right there), no chasing is needed and even the work that will be required — it’ll be more like maintenance not toiling.
And this — all of this — is why this article has the title that it does. No, I do not believe that the things and people who matter most in your life, you’ve got to chase after them…because if you’re chasing something (or one), either it doesn’t want to be caught, or you’re moving in the wrong season and, as a wise person once said, the right thing at the wrong time is STILL the wrong thing. And if that’s the case, you are “wasting the chase” anyway.
Y’all, as I close this out, another wise person once said, “Never chase. Be confident. Then attract. That’s it.” Oh, how these are words to live by because what and who is meant for you, they will be drawn to you. No need for you to be chasing. It sees you and honors you — and will get in line…accordingly.
I am certainly a living testament of that.
CHASE NOTHING, SIS. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED.
Besides, if you’re chasing, you might miss out on what you’re actually attracting.
(Yeah, some of y’all will catch that later too.)
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Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
____
I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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