After reading once that a whopping 80 percent of women are dissatisfied with their appearance, I knew that an article like this had to be written. Because if there’s one thing that I’ve seen women (especially on social media) seem to almost obsess over — it’s their ass. It’s not big enough, not firm enough, not like-someone-else’s enough. Goodness.
As far as my relationship with my own booty, although I’ve had moments when I wish that it was a lil’ plumper, once I made peace with its natural shape (yes, booties come in different shapes, y’all) and I became more intentional about giving it some TLC — chile, I’m happy and at peace with what God gave me. Now it’s my mission to get others to feel the same way…starting with asking each and every one of you if you actually have an official butt care regimen. And if not, why not?
If the reason is that you’ve never considered creating one before and/or you don’t know what that kind of self-care routine would even look like, here are 15 things that can help you to totally fall in love with that butt of yours.
1. Know Your Shape
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I’m just speaking for myself when I say that it really is kind of sad, the amount of stress, potential health risks, and expenses some people will go through to alter their body without taking the time to consider that there really is no perfect body or even body type. At the end of the day, it’s all subjective — including when it comes to our butts.
Although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, booties come in four different types: square-shaped, heart-shaped, inverted/V-shaped, and round-shaped. So, if you’ve been damn near killing yourself to create a bubble butt, thinking that something is wrong with you for not having one, understanding that there are different kinds of butts, to begin with, is the first thing that you should probably marinate on.
2. Then Know Which Panties Best Complement It
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Once you’ve (hopefully) made peace with learning about your specific butt shape, the next thing you should do is take your created-that-way-and-that’s-totally okay derriere panty shopping to find ones that complement your particular shape best. From what I’ve read and researched, “squares” look best in boy shorts and bikini cuts, “hearts” need high-waisted bikinis, “inverted” also needs boy shorts and round butts look great in thongs.
3. Do Regular Dry Brushing
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Every part of our body could stand to be exfoliated; that’s because every part sheds tons of dead skin cells on a daily basis. When it comes to your butt, dry brushing is a great way to go. Although you might’ve heard that it can get rid of cellulite, there is actually quite a bit of debate around that. What is certain is it’s a practice that will remove dead skin cells, increase blood circulation, and also slightly “plump up” the areas where cellulite resides, which can make the cellulite appear less visible and make your butt appear a teeny-weeny bit fuller too.
4. Use a Benzoyl Peroxide Wash
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Typically, what causes pimples on the butt is inflamed hair follicles that can come from dead skin cells, sebum, or even yeast or some sort of fungus. If this is something that you struggle with, you might want to try washing that part of your body with a body wash that has benzoyl peroxide as a top ingredient in it. It’s effective when it comes to breakouts because it kills acne bacteria that lingers beneath your skin’s surface while clearing out dead skin cells, too. Stylecraze has a list of body washes with benzoyl peroxide in them that you may want to check out here. Just make sure to keep the body wash away from your vagina/vulva; that ingredient is too harsh for that particular area.
5. Try Some Centella Asiatica
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If you’ve never heard of Centella Asiatica before, don’t feel bad — a lot of people haven’t. Yeah, don’t get me started on how Westernized medicine continues to get the side-eye from me because it seems to want to make money more than fully educate people on their health and well-being options (le sigh). Anyway, Centella Asiatica is a plant that is big in Africa, Asia, and Ayurvedic as well as traditional Chinese medicine due to its ability to reduce inflammation, treat symptoms that are associated with eczema and psoriasis and profoundly moisturize skin. Since it contains properties that reduce oxidative stress, it’s also great for slowing down the signs of aging in your skin as well — and since butt skin ages just like the rest of your body does…it couldn’t hurt to add it to your health regimen.
If you’re wondering how best to consume it, for the record, it also goes by the names Gotu Kola and Tiger Grass. Look for these in tea form and drink it a couple of times a week for the best results (so long as you’re not pregnant or breastfeeding and you don’t have liver issues).
6. Get Some Coffee into It
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Although I’m not much of a coffee drinker, I do use coffee grinds on my skin from time to time. The properties in it are pretty effective when it comes to softening the appearance of cellulite, reducing inflammation, preventing breakouts, and giving skin a huge boost of antioxidants. I guess that’s why, when it comes to a moisturizer brand that is super popular and keeps butts super soft, Sol de Janeiro Brazilian Bum Bum Cream reigns supreme — because, for one thing, it contains caffeine. Now, I’ll be honest: it ain’t cheap, so if you want to try a more affordable DIY route, there’s a recipe for coffee-toning body butter here and coffee-based anti-cellulite lotion here.
7. And/Or Exfoliate with Low-Grade Glycolic Acid
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Although glycolic acid has been around for a while now, it’s getting quite a bit of attention these days as more and more folks are experimenting with at-home chemical peels. If you didn’t know, this is a type of acid that comes from sugar cane and falls into the alpha hydroxy acid (AHA) category. It’s great for skincare because it is an awesome exfoliant, it heals some of the damage that UV rays tend to cause, unclogs pores, stimulates the production of collagen, and helps to smooth out fine lines and wrinkles. My personal two favorite things about this particular acid are it helps to even my skin tone out at almost record speed, and it leaves my skin feeling really smooth, too.
So, if you’re looking for something that will “repair” your butt from the summer heat swimsuit weather while also making it extra pretty to look at and feel on, applying a low-grade glycolic acid once a month (or so) wouldn’t hurt things one bit.
8. Firm Up Sagging Skin with Tamanu Oil
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Remember how I said earlier that your butt’s skin ages like everywhere else? If you’re starting to notice some signs of that and you want to naturally firm things up a bit, try some tamanu oil. In the article, “We Lose Collagen As We Age. 10 Ways To Naturally Boost It.,” a big part of the reason why I gave it the shout-out that I did is because this type of oil has a solid reputation for helping your body produce collagen. And since collagen helps to bring elasticity to the skin, it’s definitely something that can be relied upon to firm some of the subtle signs of sagging right on up.
9. Take Some Vitamin D
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It’s no secret (to many of us) that when it comes to those who run the highest risk of having a vitamin D deficiency, it’s our (Black) people. That’s because the natural melanin that’s in our skin has a more challenging time synthesizing this nutrient from the sun. Since Vitamin D is a nutrient that strengthens our bones, reduces the risk of cancer, decreases inflammation, fights off free radicals, and helps to prevent/heal scarring alopecia, we’ve got to be proactive about getting more of it into our system. And that’s why it’s important to consume things like fortified orange juice, egg yolks, salmon, portabella mushrooms, and yogurt.
And why should your butt care about vitamin D? Since it also helps your body to better absorb calcium, which is essential for muscle contractions during workouts, and since those contractions are what help your butt to “grow” — if you are an exercise enthusiast, there’s no way around the fact that vitamin D is an absolute must-have and must take.
10. Consume (More) Protein
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Your butt is comprised of glute muscles, and muscles need protein in order to grow. That’s why it’s also a good idea to have a diet that consists of protein. Off top, meat is a great source. However, if you’re a vegetarian or vegan, there are other foods that can get you what you need in this department. You can find a few of them in our article, “Vegetarian Or Vegan? Check Out These High Protein Foods.” Oh, and if you’re someone who would prefer to intake protein as you exercise, many experts say that protein shakes work in your favor after working out, and protein bars are fine, so long as you don’t constantly rely on them as a daily meal replacement — oh, and that you keep in mind that many of them are somewhere between 200-350 calories per serving (read those labels, y’all).
11. Remember Your Squats and (Hip) Thrusts
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You already know that there is no way that we can discuss “butt care” without bringing up exercise. And although you are probably already well aware that squats are a great way to build up your glutes, there is something that must be taken into consideration before going completely ham on them. For starters, squats do a lot of things — they strengthen your core and bones, give the lower part of your body more power, increase mobility, burn calories, and, yes, they help to tone your muscles, including the ones in your butt.
However, if you’re looking for them to make your butt look huge, you’ve got to keep the type of butt that you have in mind and what kind of shape your body is in overall. Because what squats are gonna do, more than anything, is burn calories first and get your butt toned next. All this is to say that a “bubble butt” is not a guarantee for all. As far as hip thrusts go, they’re awesome because they are able to increase bone density, improve your balance, and strengthen the muscles that are in your hips, thighs, and glutes. For tips on how to do squats correctly, go here. For hip thrust tips, go here.
12. Work on an Exercise Ball (at Least Sometimes)
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Now ain’t this some ish? As if it wasn’t enough to know that “sitting is the new smoking,” once upon a time, Insider published an article with this headline: “Turns out that sitting at a desk all day can actually ruin your butt.”
Long story short, not only does sitting down nonstop, for hours on end, end up literally changing the shape of your butt, but it can also lead to back pain and muscle atrophy. So, what do they recommend that you do? Maintain good posture while you’re in your chair, and try squeezing your glutes for a few minutes every couple of hours.
That way, you won’t be “flattening” it as much.
13. Invest in a LED Light
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With more and more research coming out about the holistic benefits of LED light therapy, I thought it would be important to give it a shout-out here. If you didn’t know, the combination of red and blue lights can help to treat everything from eczema and wrinkles to hair loss and mild bouts of acne. That said, you might want to consider massaging your buttocks with an LED light device (like this one here) a couple of times a week because, although red LED will not remove cellulite, because it stimulates collagen production, it can help to soften the appearance of it over time. Another thing that could improve the appearance of your backside.
14. Sleep Naked with a Humidifier
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Back in 2019, Cosmo published an article entitled “How Following This Intense Sleep Routine Helped One Woman Build Her Butt.” Although it honestly didn’t get into how/why exercise influencer Johanna Devries felt that getting 10 hours of sleep every night (along with exercising) played a direct role in her booty gains, it caused me to look deeper into the correlation between sleep and having a nice-looking butt. From what I’ve read, sleep deprivation can result in the loss of muscle mass, and it can also make your muscles weaker over time. Meanwhile, good sleep has the ability to improve the quality of your workouts — so there goes three more reasons to treat it as a necessity, not a luxury.
And since sleeping with a humidifier can reduce snoring, soften your skin and improve your quality of rest, help your butt out by catching some zzz’s, naked, with your humidifier on. Hell, why not?
15. Love Your Butt. No Matter What.
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It was former President Theodore Roosevelt who once said that “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and if a lot of us were honest with ourselves, the (main) reason why we struggle with body image is because we’re looking at what other people have. Listen, a part of the reason why I’ve written articles for the platform like “These 10 Hacks Will Help You Love Your Body More” is because I’m a firm believer that there is nothing that can top an original — and since all of us are one of those…you know what that means…right? Who can top you?
Moral to the story: When it comes to cultivating a butt care regimen, it’s not about getting a booty that looks like someone else’s. Uh-uh. It’s all about taking good care of the ORIGINAL ONE that you have and then loving on it well. Sis, when it comes to the butt that the Creator gave you…please make sure that you do, starting with these tips and building from there!
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I have never been someone who is interested in transactional friendships, nor do I entertain them. The Sagittarius in me can really give a fuck. But at the same time and as contradicting as this is going to sound, I do understand that everyday life very much can get in the way of friendships. What can I say? It’s the empath and healer in me, too.
I think true friendships survive and thrive on people’s levels of emotional intelligence (EI), empathy, emotional maturity, shared boundaries, and mutual desire for growth.
With that said it's also emotionally difficult to be the friend who is completely invested in her growth, peace, and sense of self-worth or the friend who is dedicated to becoming the best version of herself regardless of the associated cost.
My willingness to grow and to be a whole person is not just for myself, but for the people in my life who equally show up and fill my cup. It’s for my future self, future life partner, and the life that is waiting for me. Let me just say it is painful to be the friend who has to watch people you love cycle through unhealthy behaviors or patterns because of their lack of self-awareness—behaviors that possibly may or may not harm you yet make you cringe.
Your love for them is loud, transparent, unconditional, honest, and genuine. You secretly hope that they push through their season because you wholeheartedly want the best for them. And I guess as I get older and the more self-aware I become, I know I am not alone in feeling this way. As my therapist has told me, “The choices and decisions that feel safe to you may be different to someone else based on what feels safe for them.” And ultimately, I have to accept it, as frustrating as it can be.
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But what happens when it's your bestie or a close friend who is emotionally unavailable? Regardless of circumstances, friendships are one of the most important human connections in our lives. We, as humans, desire to belong, to be seen and heard. We desire community and understanding. But what if your friend just simply can’t due to their mental and emotional capacity? At what point does the friendship become harmful and you are forced to make the decision to let go temporarily and/or indefinitely?
We often talk about emotional availability only in romantic relationships. We specifically explore this notion when it comes to men as potential romantic partners. But what we learned earlier this year in my article about my own emotional intimacy, is that women often struggle with emotional availability, too.
This is especially true when you have an insecure attachment style. An insecure attachment style can be described as anxious or avoidant. It’s our responsibility to become self-aware enough to meet our own emotional needs and regulate our own emotions first and foremost. With mental health and self-care at the center of our lives and social media feeds, we are all not okay. Life is life-ing. We are all going through it somehow or in some way.
Let’s explore how to recognize and navigate emotional unavailability in friendships because I am sure we all have that one friend that we don’t know how to repair with or move on from:
What Is Emotional Unavailability In Friendships?
We often misuse the term "emotionally unavailable" or mistake it for other behaviors related to mental health or emotions. If you are confused about what it means to be emotionally unavailable in terms of platonic connections, it is defined as the inability to sustain emotional connections and/or bonds, according to Healthline.
With seven years of therapy (and counting), I have come to understand that emotional unavailability can be situational or a defense mechanism. In my opinion, emotional unavailability can also involve someone who is in survival mode for too long. This can be someone who is experiencing an unexpected or difficult life transition. It also can show up as a trauma response. However, I feel as though the majority of the time, people’s level of emotional availability is simply due to a lack of self-awareness.
How Emotional Unavailability Show Up In Friendships
According to HerCampus.com, someone who is emotionally unavailable self-sabotages by having walls so deep they don’t allow themselves to get close to other people. People like this shy away from intimate relationships or conversations, too. They struggle to be vulnerable with others and have a legitimate fear of intimacy. An article by Uncover Counseling states that friendships also suffer when one or more parties are emotionally detached.
This means an emotionally unavailable person is often perceived as distant, unresponsive, or uninterested in maintaining a close relationship.
This may not be the intention of friends who exhibit this type of behavior, but let me reiterate that a level of self-awareness is required to undo the behavior. Over time, the bond between an emotionally available friend and a friend who is emotionally unavailable weakens. The friendship grows apart and results in what we know today as a friendship break up.
Coping With An Emotionally Unavailable Friend
It took me a long time to realize that what a friend chooses to say or do to me is never really about me. I used to internalize that I did something wrong or I was the blame for their emotional distance, but as an anxious attachment girlie, I learned that people were projecting their insecurities and unhealed wounds onto me.
More importantly, this is not for me to carry. An affirmation I say daily is, “What is mine is mine. What is theirs is theirs. I release what is not mine." It is just a simple reminder to myself that whatever that person is going through mentally or emotionally it is not my responsibility to fix.
So, how do you accept and deal with an emotionally unavailable friend? My response is with lots of grace, space, and clear boundaries. It's easy to say most people who lack self-awareness and the ability to hold space for others emotionally are toxic, but toxic is a word many of us overuse to describe anyone with unfavorable behavior. A HerCampus article advises acknowledging that friends who struggle with emotional availability can’t control it. It’s a defense mechanism related to mental health issues.
What we can do is be patient with our friends who struggle with expressing themselves emotionally. (Exhibit A: Me. And your girl has worked to correct her emotional detachment all year and is now emotionally stronger.)
Don’t stay too long in a friendship that does not equally fill your cup. Make sure your friend knows that you are a safe person or space for him or her to come to. This is done by ensuring that you are able to show up emotionally in conversations with your friends.
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Aisha Beau wrote, via The Shine App, that we must first acknowledge the emotionally unavailable friend’s behavior has to do with something outside the relationship. Once we have recognized said friend is unavailable, it’s our responsibility to decide how to engage. Please keep in mind not all circumstances are the same. Clinical psychologist Dr. Melissa Robinson-Brown told the mental health platform that coping with an emotionally unavailable person entails the following:
- Self-Check: Evaluate if you're also emotionally unavailable and if you're ready to be emotionally vulnerable.
- Have The Conversation: Address the other person’s ability to share emotions and hold emotional space for you.
- Create Space For Change: Give your friend the opportunity to show up differently without expecting perfection.
- Re-evaluate: If you’ve checked in with yourself and had a conversation with said friend - determine if that person’s action or inaction towards your need for closeness is worth your energy.
Signs That A Friend’s Emotional Unavailability Is Harmful
The signs of someone being emotionally unavailable are consistent and easily noticeable in any relationship. A major sign is inconsistency — and cold behavior. Defensiveness, insecurity, avoidance, or commitment to friendship. HerCampus further describes a person such as this, as someone who is unable to give their full attention and is neglectful to the friendship most of the time. They are uncomfortable talking about feelings about themselves or about their friendships as well.
I do not do well with inconsistency at all. Again, as an anxious-attachment-style girlie, inconsistency does not make me feel good. It does not make me safe, either. But I have also come to believe and understand it is solely my responsibility to self-regulate my thoughts and emotions when it comes to that particular friend. As much as I give my friends grace and space – I also have a bad habit of being excessively accommodating to people who exhibit emotionally unavailable behavior, too.
I subconsciously hoped that by being overly understanding and supportive, the person would stay in my life, knowing damn well whether that person stays or goes is not in my control. However, this is where strong boundaries come into play. And let me tell you, I am learning this right now with a certain friend. I do not want to have to question my place in someone's life.
It's painful to feel forced to intentionally create a physical and emotional distance that you never wanted to create, to begin with. The push and pull feels like a game, and I am not here for it. But the uncertainty? The absence of clarity? The anxiety? That feels far worse.
What I have to accept is that the current dynamics are unhealthy and not conducive to what I want and need in the type of friendships I would like to have in my 40s. I intuitively know if I don’t do what is right in my heart – whatever the future holds for our friendship will be completely destructive. Sometimes, temporary disengagement is necessary to cultivate a healthier dynamic. Like I said, healthy connectionsonly.
When To Walk Away From The Friendship
To walk away from any connection is difficult and very much a last resort. You have to evaluate what is important to you in a friendship, and those values must also hold true for the other person. When it comes to letting go of someone you valued as a friend, you have to decide what is best for you based on where you are now and where you are going.
Remember, it is not your job to fix your friend, nor are you their therapist, but it is your responsibility to identify and understand the purpose and type of friendship you have with that person.
There are levels to friendship. Ask yourself questions like, “Is this person just my running partner?” “Do we just have a good time together?” “Is she or he just someone I can laugh with and nothing more?” You have to decide what is best for you and your life. As with anything in life, you are required to protect your peace and energy at all costs.
My goal for 2024 was to emotionally reattach to myself, and I can happily say I am. I am not 100 percent there, but I feel the difference. What I have learned this year, when it comes to my own emotional unavailability and others, is that you have to want yourself first and foremost (and fortunately for me, I wholeheartedly do). Don’t be scared to communicate how a friend’s behavior affects you.
Don’t be scared to lose that friend if he or she is not aligned with where you are in your life. Sometimes, you have to let go for better to come in.
This can look like giving that friend an honest chance to reconcile with themselves first before he or she comes back to you. It can also look like making space for better friendships to come in, too.
If you know anything about me by now or my writing thus far – I will always choose myself first. It's non-negotiable. I love myself way too much now to repeat my past, patterns, and/or mistakes.
Be the friend who knows how to show up, but knows how to say, “In this moment we’re unaligned.” Be the friend that knows you absolutely deserve more in friendship. The friend who knows the light you give to others is an undeniable gift.
Be the good friend that got away.
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