I remember the day of my wedding…when I started feeling my contraception ring coming out of my vagina. I had only recently started using the ring even though I was more used to taking the pill. There I was in the bathroom stall with one of my bridesmaids, and she was literally helping to guide my ring back up into my vagina because I could feel it slipping out of me. Although quite embarrassing, let's just say that we're forever bonded by that experience. So, have you ever tried a new birth control method that wasn't the best for you but it seemed to work well for others?
During a recent interview with Board Certified Obstetrician & Gynecologist, Dr. Chimsom Oleka, she provided a list of all of the birth control methods currently available, which can potentially serve as a starting point for those of you who may be exploring new contraceptive methods.* As you continue reading, you'll notice that the list is organized based on what Dr. Oleka refers to as Short-acting (hormonal and non-hormonal), to Long-acting, to Barriers of Protection.
Before we dive into the list, let's first clarify specifically what birth control does. As. Dr. Oleka explained, for most methods, birth control releases certain hormones in your body which contributes to the ultimate end goal: block ovulation or keep an egg from being released, thicken the mucus in the cervix so that sperm can't pass through, and/or thin the lining of the uterus, which decreases chances of implantation. Each birth control method is designed to do each or all of these things, but depending on the method, they will either do them better, worse, or not at all.
Choosing The Best Birth Control Method For You
SHORT-ACTING BIRTH CONTROL METHODS
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Note: Throughout this section, you will notice references related to "continuous" or "extended" usage. As Dr. Oleka explained, many of us have a false idea of what the period is supposed to do. Contrary to popular belief in terms of what our menstrual cycle does and why it's "necessary" every month, ultimately its main purpose is for pregnancy. That's it.
As Dr. Oleka expertly pointed out, "It's the birth control's period, not your period. Your birth control will start stimulating the lining and doing all of the things that cause you to bleed." So, as long as you have a hormone that's assisting with protecting and keeping your uterus lining thin, and as long as you've consulted your physician beforehand, then you don't have to necessarily worry about shedding the lining every month (i.e. having a period).
Consider, for example, women who have bleeding disorders (i.e. their bodies bleed too much or won't stop bleeding), female athletes, as well as those who may suffer with things such as menstrual migraines…situations like these support the case for continuous or extended methods.
Method: Birth Control Pill (Hormonal - Estrogen and Progesterone)
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How It's Administered: Self-ingested orally, daily
Efficacy: 7 to 9% failure rate (i.e., approximately 1 in 10 will get pregnant)
Description & Overview:
Birth control pills usually come in 28-day pill packs (four rows of seven pills) including a week of placebo, non-active pills. There are different variations as well, but it's critical that you take it every day at the same time.
The most commonly used pill has both estrogen and progesterone. With estrogen, it tends to help provide more stability of the lining. However, some people may not want estrogen or they may have an underlying medical issue that conflicts with the estrogen. There is a risk of blood clots, although fairly low, but the risk of this goes up when you're pregnant. With the pill, it helps regulate the bleeding, which in turn, helps make it predictable. It's known to have protective benefits such as helping to decrease risk of certain cancers and it can help reduce symptoms related to fibroids.
Also, you can use this method, as well as other methods, continuously or in an extended way so that you can delay or skip the bleeding (i.e. going on vacation). For example, if you wanted to try an extended use, then you could delay the withdrawal bleeding (period) for a set number of weeks or months by skipping the last row for let's say two months. Then, you would take the last row of inactive pills the third month, so that you would only bleed approximately every 10 weeks.
On the other hand, if you're someone who decides "I don't want to bleed at all," then you could skip the last row of inactive pills and move forward with starting the new pack each month. Keep in mind, if you don't bleed or you bleed too heavily already, there may be other medical issues going on, so as always, you'll want to consult your physician about this.
Side effects can vary, but some of the most common side effects include: nausea, breast tenderness, and initial irregular bleeding.
Method: Birth Control Pill (Hormonal - Progesterone Only)
How It's Administered: Self-ingested orally, daily
Efficacy: 7 to 9% failure rate
Description & Overview:
This method basically works pretty much the same as the first pill mentioned above, but it doesn't include estrogen. It only includes progesterone.
Progesterone-only pills can be harder for some women to use because you have to be really consistent. If the daily pill ingestion time is missed by as little as three hours, then it loses its efficacy. Hence, it's critical that you take the pill every day at the same time.
With the progesterone-only pill, there's also a greater chance of irregular bleeding. Hence, this method is usually recommended by the physician if there are estrogen-related conflicting medical issues.
Method: Vaginal Ring (Hormonal – Estrogen and Progesterone)
Michael Kraus/Shutterstock
How It's Administered: Self-inserted through Vagina
Efficacy: 7 to 9% failure rate
Description & Overview:
The vaginal ring is a soft, flexible ring approximately two inches wide and four centimeters thick that is self-inserted and removed in/out of the vagina. Some women will tie a string to the ring and there's also an applicator that can be used to assist with insertion and removal.
The vaginal ring stays in for three weeks and releases hormones every day. Once removed for seven days, it allows withdrawal bleeding (period) to occur. Then, a new ring is inserted every four weeks. This method can be used continuously if you bypass the seven days and move forward with inserting the new ring every three or four weeks, or in an extended way if you bypass the seven days every few months or so.
The ring has been known to cause breakthrough or irregular bleeding. Not to mention, there are times when the ring can slip out during sex, which of course can directly impact the efficacy.
Method: Progesterone-Only Shot (Hormonal - commonly referred to as “Depo”, short for Depo Medroxyprogesterone Acetate)
How It's Administered: Injected in arm by physician
Efficacy: 6% failure rate
Description & Overview:
The progesterone-only shot is usually injected every three months (or every 11 to 13 weeks). Although the failure rate is approximately 6%, that's also related to the fact that patients are late with getting their scheduled shot.
Depo is known to decrease bone mineral density (contributes to the risk of fractures) within the first two years, but you start to recover it within 30 months after you stop taking it.
Also, because the shot can linger in your system up to nine months after your last shot (not the efficacy), it has the propensity to delay the return to your normal fertility state.
Some of the most common side effects include weight gain with research showing that it can act as an appetite stimulant.
Method: The Patch (Hormonal – Estrogen and Progesterone)
Michael Kraus/Shutterstock
How It's Administered: Self-adhesive
Efficacy: 7 to 9% failure rate
Description & Overview:
The patch is a small, square-shaped band-aid like adhesive or patch that can be applied to your upper arm, abdomen, or butt. You receive a new patch every three weeks and the fourth week is when you're patch free to allow for withdrawal bleeding.
This method is not recommended for extended or continuous cycles like with the pill and ring because it has higher levels of estrogen, which means increased risk for blood clots. Also, if you have sensitive skin or you're prone to breakouts and rashes, then you may want to avoid this method as well.
The patch can cause irregular or breakthrough bleeding or no bleeding at all depending on the individual. During the first few months of use, you may experience that as well as nausea, but it usually improves over time.
Method: Family Planning (Non-hormonal)
How It's Administered: N/A - Personal planning and scheduling
Efficacy: Up to 40% failure rate
Description & Overview:
There are a variety of options as it relates to family planning including: use of calendars, basal body temperature, cervical mucus, and more. There are a lot of useful tracking apps that can help with these methods as well.
Family planning can be taught and is a pretty well-accepted method. However, it can only be used if you have a regular cycle. Also, it has a very high failure rate because it requires extensive tracking and managing certain records such as time, ovulation, and temperature. So, you have to be extremely detailed-oriented, organized, and highly motivated to be successful with family planning. Otherwise, it can be extremely overwhelming for some people.
Due to the excessive planning and stringent scheduling, it can potentially decrease sexual spontaneity and/or convenience.
LONG-ACTING BIRTH CONTROL METHODS
Method: IUD (Hormonal - Progesterone Only)
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How It's Administered: Inserted vaginally by physician (through opening of cervix, into the uterus)
Efficacy: Less than 1% failure rate
Description & Overview:
The IUD has varying brands (Mirena has been around the longest), costs, and dosages. The IUD is a small, t-shaped plastic piece, approximately 3 cm in size, although the size can vary as well. In addition to women who have had children, the IUD can be used in teenagers as well as women who have not have had babies.
Remember, this is a longer-acting method, so this is ideal for someone who wants to hold off on having children for a longer period of time.
Some of the most common side effects include insertional discomfort (I'm a personal witness to this) and irregular bleeding although it tends to help those who suffer from painful periods and heavy flow. The longer you leave it in, the less likely you'll bleed.
Method: Copper IUD (Non-hormonal)
How It's Administered: Inserted vaginally by physician (through opening of cervix, into the uterus)
Efficacy: Less than 1% failure rate
Description & Overview:
Similar to the IUD previously mentioned, the copper IUD is a latex-free, t-shaped, plastic piece but it also includes areas of exposed copper. By releasing copper salts into your body, the copper tricks the uterus into thinking something foreign is inside, creating an appearance of a "chaotic" environment in your system, which ultimately blocks sperm and prevents reproduction. It can last for 10 years, but it has been known to be effective for up to 12 years.
The copper IUD is ideal for someone who doesn't want to deal with hormones, or someone who is certain they don't want children for a long time. There are instances where it can be used as emergency contraception but it won't work if something has already been implanted.
Because this method doesn't affect ovulation, this method is also ideal for women who want to continue bleeding or women within certain cultures where the idea of contraception isn't readily accepted. This can serve as contraception method without anyone else truly knowing that you're taking it because you will still have a period as normal.
The most common side effects usually include more painful cramping or heavier bleeding.
Method: Contraceptive Implant (Hormonal – Progesterone Only)
Michael Kraus/Shutterstock
How It's Administered: Implanted in arm by physician
Efficacy: Less than 1% failure rate (the most effective method)
Description & Overview:
The contraceptive implant is a flexible, plastic rod that's placed inside the upper arm. It's small and thick - approximately 4 cm long and 2 mm thick. It releases hormones daily, and lasts for three years, although recent data shows it may last longer than that. After three years, you get a new one if you choose to do so. Otherwise, you will return back to your baseline fertility.
Some of the most common side effects can include irregular bleeding, no bleeding (approximately 6%), or heavier bleeding. For those who experience irregular bleeding, there are ways to decrease it and make it more manageable. Also, there are rare occasions where, if placed improperly, it can shift or migrate.
BARRIERS OF PROTECTION** BIRTH CONTROL METHODS
The most common effects for any of the following methods can include vaginal discharge and irritation. After the use of these, the return to fertility is usually fairly quick.
As it relates to a lot of these barriers of protection, Dr. Oleka likes to think of it this way, "Condoms should be used more so for STD and HIV/AIDS protection, and less for pregnancy prevention." Nevertheless, they are still considered methods for both pregnancy and STD/HIV prevention.
Method: Male Condom (Non-hormonal)
Michael Kraus/Shutterstock
How It's Administered: Applied by male on his penis
Efficacy: 15% failure rate (research across the board states this although it seems quite questionable by both the expert and the writer)
When to Apply: Right before sex
Description & Overview:
Condoms are usually latex or you can opt for lambskin if you're allergic to latex. However, anything non-latex has been known to be less effective in preventing pregnancy as well as STDs. With condoms, common things like inconsistent use, slippage during sex, and the risk of it tearing are a few factors that can directly impact the overall efficacy.
Method: Female Condom (Non-hormonal)
How It's Administered: Self-inserted vaginally
Efficacy: 21% failure rate
When to Apply: Right before sex
Description & Overview:
Similar to the male condom, the female condom has a thick ring that's used for placement within the vagina along with the pouch that goes in when it's time to have sex. There's also a thin ring that goes outside of the vagina. With this method, proper placement is just as important because it helps prevent condom slippage during sex. Also, the male condom should not be used when the female condom is used because it can cause tearing.
Method: Diaphragm
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How It's Administered: Self-inserted vaginally
Efficacy: 16% failure rate
When to Apply: Up to six hours before sex.
Description & Overview:
The Diaphragm is reusable silicon disk that's self-inserted through the vagina. Similar to the cervical cap, it should be inserted up to six hours before you have sex and should remain in your vagina at least six hours after sex. A spermicide should also be used in conjunction with the diaphragm to help ensure efficacy. It's also possible for the diaphragm to become dislodged during sex.
Method: Cervical Cap (Non-hormonal)
How It's Administered: Self-inserted vaginally
Efficacy: 14 to 20% failure rate
When to Apply: Up to six hours before sex
Description & Overview:
The cervical cap is a reusable silicone rubber cup that sits on the cervix while you're having sex. Think of it as a "hat" that comes in different sizes and sits on your cervix. It's usually inserted into the vagina up to six hours prior to sex, it should remain in there for at least six hours after sex (and can remain there up to 48 hours). Of note, it only works if used with a spermicide. There's usually only one brand available in the United States.
One thing to consider is proper placement of the cap, and making sure you're comfortable with putting it in your vagina. Also, if you've already had a baby, then you'll have a higher risk of contraception failure.
Additionally, here are a few things Dr. Oleka suggests women should consider before choosing a contraceptive:
- What are your chances of getting pregnant with this method (efficacy)?
- What do you want your bleeding profile to look like (i.e. how often do you want your "withdrawal bleeding" or menstrual cycle to occur)? How will this affect my bleeding profile?
- What does your lifestyle look like (i.e. will it be difficult to remember to take the pill every day versus another option that may not require as much involvement)?
- What are your priorities? What does the timeline for trying, starting, or growing your family look like?
- How long do you want it to be in effect or control?
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As always, Dr. Oleka reminds everyone to be sure and consult your physician* when deciding on a method because hormones affect individuals differently. Not to mention, there's certain criteria and health/risk factors that doctors review and consider when determining contraception needs for their patients.
With most methods, efficacy is usually effective within a week or so, but to be safe, Dr. Oleka suggests giving the new contraception at least a month or two to allow enough time to confirm efficacy on your side and to see how well your body reacts to it.
*Before taking any medications, over-the-counter drugs, supplements or herbs, consult a physician for a thorough evaluation. xoNecole does not endorse any medications, vitamins or herbs. A qualified physician should make a decision based on each person's medical history and current prescriptions. The prescribing physician should be consulted concerning any questions that you have.
**Quick note about Plan B: Plan B is NOT a standard contraceptive like those mentioned above. Conversely, it is an emergency contraceptive, and should be used as soon as possible after sex (within 72 hours, up to 5 days). Dr. Oleka recommends that you already have some beforehand to prevent from panicking or having to run around to find in the middle of the night trying to find an open local pharmacy.
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On December 15, Mars enters Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and this is the extra push we need to make important changes and to be on the path towards greater abundance, stability, and prosperity. Mars in Capricorn takes care of business, and we have extra energy at our disposal during this time to do so. This transit is an ideal time to focus on your career or financial goals for next year and to start putting some of these plans into motion now. A few days later, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be in Sagittarius on December 19, and this is the perfect New Moon to manifest.
The energy is high, magic is in the air, and it’s all about moving forward with the new beginnings that are inspiring you and bringing you joy to think about right now.
Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21, and this earth sign energy is how we heal, gain closure, and build new foundations in our world. With Venus also moving into a Capricorn a few days later, there is something about peace, prosperity, and security that we are gaining in life and in love as we close out the year, and this is what we need right now. This month is about reflecting on what was, letting go of old hurt, and renewing. December is an ending and a new beginning in one, and there is magic in this space to be created.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
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SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
Oh, but there are plenty of people whose egos have them thinking that they can read someone else’s mind. Then there are others who have fantasies, which create unrealistic expectations that others in their lives actually should read their mind. And you know what — both of these things can cause unnecessary stress, drama, and trauma, if folks aren’t careful.
And that’s why I think it’s important that we unpack this a bit more. Because if you’re someone who thinks that if another person truly cares for you, they should be able to read your mind, it’s time to let that ridiculous yet semi-popular notion absolutely and completely go.
Here’s why.
It’s Scientifically Impossible for Someone to Read Your Mind
There are a couple of reasons why I am starting this off with R&B singer Avant. For one thing, I don’t think that he gets nearly enough flowers and secondly, clearly, this is a more-than-fitting song for today’s topic, wouldn’t you say? Because, lawd, there really is something that makes some of us feel all warm ‘n fuzzy about the mere thought of a man telling us that he is so in tuned with us that he can basically read our mind.
Hmph. Problem with that is, as I said in the intro, it is scientifically impossible (for us and for AI to do, praise the Lord!). And yet the fact that so many individuals think that they defy scientific data and research is oftentimes why there are so many breakdowns in communication — because if you run on assumption (that you can read someone’s mind) without clarification and confirmation, you can create issues that didn’t exist before you decided to fall for your own mind-reading theories.
Now to be fair, while science is still trying to figure out why we can’t read minds, what is sure is that we do have the capability to perceive the thoughts and actions of others if we’re willing to pay really close attention. However, do keep in mind that reading and perceiving are different. Reading? It’s about being able "to apprehend or interpret the meaning of" and "to anticipate, expect, or calculate by observation." Perceiving? It’s all about “to become aware of, know, or identify by means of the senses” and “to recognize, discern, envision, or understand.”
And already, do you see the differences? So much certainty comes with reading while perceiving is about humbling oneself (bookmark that) to not try to know everything but instead to try and understand what is transpiring. And since no one person (or their mind) is ever truly static, that is a huge part of the reason why believing that you can read someone’s mind — no matter how close you may be to them — is futile. You can change your mind on a dime. Others can do the same. Learning to perceive what is going on instead of assuming that you can “read” folks is far more beneficial.
Besides, you might be surprised by a particular demo who thinks that if you are truly who they need you to be, you will read their minds — and boy, once you know who they are, that may cure you of the whole “read your mind” ish…quick, fast and in a hurry.
The Expectation Is Oftentimes Rooted in Egomania
GiphyWhile doing a bit of research on this topic, I thought it was interesting that a particular type of person kept coming up. Can you guess which one? A NARCISSIST. What I kept noticing is a telling sign of a narcissistic individual is they expect others to read their mind.
I must admit that I was caught off guard by that at first because narcissists and their damn egos are so out of control (bookmark that) that it would seem like they would be more focused on acting like they know the thoughts of other people. Here’s the thing, though — the reason why narcissists want others to read their mind is because they want you to do things like guess what they want and need before they ask — and they want that to happen because they believe that they are so damn special that you should put in the extra blood, sweat and tears to figure it all out. Hmph. Now that tracks.
Another reason why narcissists want you to be able to read their mind is so they can manipulate and deflect. Meaning, if you say and do things based on what you thought they wanted you to, should everything crash and burn, they can dodge accountability and blame you for it. Hmm, does reading someone’s mind seem romantic and beautiful now? SMDH.
And again, all of this is tied to ego because, at the end of the day, mind-reading is a form of control and narcissists are definitely very controlling people. And honestly, mind-reading is as well because why do you even want to know someone’s private thoughts before they share them and, at the same time, why would you want someone to have that kind of power in your life either? “Eww” is what immediately comes to my mind. “Yuck” is what follows.
So, why is it that so many people think that it’s a good thing to have someone read their mind — I mean, the ones who don’t show narcissistic tendencies, that is? Good question.
5 Reasons Why Some People Wish Someone Would/Could Read Their Mind
GiphyOkay, so ego and pridefulness aside, what would be some other reasons why people think that it’s such a wonderful thing if someone who they are in some sort of intimate relationship with can read their mind.
1. They are caught up in Disney and rom-coms. One day, I am going to do an article on all of the ways that Disney and rom-coms have destroyed the reality of relationships. For now, I’ll just say that the scripted tales of both have caused a lot of people to think that if someone loves them, they should be able to read their mind. Nooo…if someone loves you, they should care to know what is on your mind. And that brings me to the second point.
2. They aren’t as good at communicating as they think. Are you a good communicator? One way to know if you are is you’re able to clearly articulate your wants and needs — because really, if you are able to do that, why should anyone even need to read your mind? Feel me? Let’s move on.
3. They want someone else to work harder at their relationships than they do. I say it in my sessions often — it’s beyond crazy to think that someone should work harder at figuring out what your wants, needs and expectations are than you are willing to express them. Hmph. It makes me think of a friend of mine who says that “should” is a dangerous word. What she means by that is saying that someone should do or not do something simply because YOU THINK that’s how it “should” go is a surefire way to stay disappointed and even be disillusioned. No, your man shouldn’t just know what you want every year for your birthday. Did you state it? If not, why aren’t you playing fair? Who has time for all of the guessing games and then getting penalized if they guess wrong? Stop it.
4. They think it’s the sign of a healthy relationship (it isn’t). Anyone who knows me knows that I am always and forever going to be Team Healthy over Team Happy and my reason why never changes. Only children expect to live in a world where they are happy all of the time — and yes, there are a lot of childish people out here. People who want their mind read? They tend to live in happy land. Meanwhile, a healthy relationship knows that clear communication, mutual respect, keen listening, patience and understanding that humans make mistakes are foundational to its success.
5. They are lazy. And yes y’all, some people want others to read their mind because they are lazy and it really is just as simple as that. Thing is, while they are being passive aggressive, dropping hints or giving the silent treatment so that you can figure out whatever it is that they…want you to figure out, that tends to take more effort than simply speaking up. Ridiculous, chile.
How to Let the Myth Go
GiphyGee, after reading all of this, suddenly reading minds just seems like a lot of silliness with a sprinkle of drama and potential trauma, doesn’t it? And it’s all because some people choose to treat something that is a myth like it’s a bona fide fact. SMDH.
And what if you happen to be one of those individuals? How do you break free? COMMUNICATE. Openly, clearly and maturely share what’s on your mind and heart because, the true tell of a solid relationship isn’t that someone can read your mind; it’s that they can retain what you’ve already stated.
Less reading. More perceiving. That’s the secret sauce.
And when you accept this for what it is, you will realize that it’s far better for you, your partner and your relationship to stop expecting the impossible and to accept what is actual: that learning your partner, as they strive to do the same thing with you, is better than you both assuming that you know what…maybe you do, maybe you don’t.
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Author Frank Sonnenberg once said, “People can’t hear what you don’t say. Thinking isn’t communicating” — and I think this is a perfect place to bring all of this to a close.
Find the kind of relationship(s) where intention is so strong that mind-reading isn’t even desired.
At the end of the day, it really is as simple as that.
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