Platonic Intimacy Is The Missing Piece In Your Friendships

Intimacy vs. Platonic Intimacy

Before we confuse or intertwine intimacy with platonic intimacy lets understand the differences between the two concepts. Intimacy is defined as a deep emotional connection and closeness between individuals. This includes emotional, intellectual, and physical intimacy. Most people would associate this with romantic relationships. Think, sharing deeply personal thoughts and feelings with a partner or experiencing physical intimacy.

Whereas platonic intimacy is defined as a deep emotional connection and closeness between individuals without any romantic and sexual involvement. Focused on emotional and intellectual, spiritual, and experiential intimacy with physical affection limited to friendly gestures.

The Origins of Platonic Love

The Word Platonic Was Defined By The Greeks

The concept of platonic intimacy isn’t new. With that said, the word “platonic” originated from the ancient Greek philosopher Plato and his writings on different types of love in dialogue “The Symposium.” An article published byVerywell Mind says Plato believed that platonic love could bring people closer to a divine ideal. A higher form of love that focuses on a connection of minds and souls – serving as the foundation for platonic love.

Platonic intimacy refers to emotional depth and closeness possible in non-romantic friendships. Lately, it seems like social media has increasingly become an educational platform about social interaction, human connection, emotional intelligence, and emotional maturity. With growing conversations around mental health and non-traditional relationship structure, it is evident there is a major shift towards recognizing the value of deep friendships.

In reviewing “The Ins and Outs of Platonic Intimacy” by Keys Soulcare, they interview Lightworker Tiffany Curtis on platonic partnerships and deepening meaningful connections. Curtis’s thought-provoking opinions on platonic intimacy allow us to think about relationships in a nontraditional manner and go against the norm. Curtis states:

“I think that platonic intimacy gives us space to experience love and affection in an abundant way. So many of us grow up thinking that platonic relationships and friendships are a consolation prize, a second place to a romance coming first in our lives. Our society has this binary view of relationships: you’re either friends or partners. But sometimes the two coexist, and sometimes they don’t, and platonic relationships are not 'less' than romantic ones.”

The article also highlights that “Friendships can teach us what’s possible in our connections when we don’t adhere to a prescribed relationship ladder. What can love and care and choosing someone over and over again look like when we dismiss the idea that relationships have to follow certain steps?”

As someone that has come to believe my life is rich with good people, friendship, and community I wholeheartedly agree.

Platonic Intimacy Looks Like...

I read somewhere on social media that friendships are no longer like childhood friendships. Adult friendships require time and intentionality. Agreed. According to an article byCurina, what that means is platonic intimacy in general means trying to be more expressive with the people you call friends. This expression can manifest in many forms including physical touch, emotional support, and shared experiences. Think long awkward hugs, “just checking in” texts, helping with everyday tasks, creating traditions together, being vulnerable, sharing clothes, jokes, passwords, or celebrating wins joyously.

Platonic intimacy can also look like planning futures together, caring for each other when sick, praying in a time of need, deep late-night talks, sleeping in the same bed, shared playlists or photo albums, taking care of pets, walking through hard moments or big life transitions.

The idea is that close friendships deserve and should get the same type of attention that romantic relationships have.

Before I knew platonic intimacy was a whole thing, I’m the friend that will visit one of her lifelong friends and cook breakfast before she leaves for work and cook her favorite cuisine for dinner when she comes home. Fuzzy socks and pajamas — we will lay in the bed and play the social card game Wordaful or watch a movie. Another lifelong friend of mine was undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer during one of my visits to California. So, I made it a point to see her. We simply laid in bed and talked for hours.

I might help a friend pack to prepare for a move. I may send a friend a thoughtful card just because, write a letter, or order an adult coloring book and colored pencils via AmazonPrime if they tell me if they're mentally struggling.

Other times it’s a coworking date at a friend's house. She buys the coffee and I cook lunch. I tend to notate the little details about my close friends. Maybe a favorite song, their favorite food, or social media memes that remind me of them. I show up in hard moments and crises too. And I don’t think I know anything different when it comes to friendship. I don’t know any other way to be.

Maybe it’s because I am a natural born giver, my strong Caribbean values, or because I grew up seeing my mother endlessly show up for family and friends.

How to Build Platonic Intimacy With Friends

How To Develop Platonic Intimacy in Friendships

The important thing to note about platonic intimacy is it's about allowing yourself to be vulnerable with another person. It's about acceptance, trust, honesty, loyalty, understanding, companionship, enjoyment, growth, gratitude, and closeness. Remember, Plato taught us that platonic love is a bond in which we can identify positive qualities that make us feel whole or complete within another person. It is the close relationships that are rooted in alignment, trust, confidence, and loyalty.

A non-romantic soulmate, if you will.

“This Is Platonic Love,” an article published byPsych Central, states that developing platonic intimacy within friendships involves shared similar interests and life passions. Deep conversations are key as a level of trust is required to share deeper opinions.

Platonic intimacy grows with routine maintenance where there is equal responsibility and intentionality to maintain the friendship. You have to show all the way up. This looks like prioritizing time, planned check-ins, open communication, and taking initiative to make plans.

Friendships like these also require mutual respect and boundaries. I think knowing a friend's love language (traditional or non traditional) also helps create platonic intimacy and strengthens friendships in general. For example, I know one of my friends' love languages is coffee and plants.

So, I suggested a co-working date in this new coffee shop that is also a plant store and she has never been so excited.

What Does Not Work for Platonic Intimacy

Another thing to remember is platonic intimacy is nurtured when two people actively show positive qualities and behaviors within friendship. Negative behaviors and/or patterns cannot co-exist in these types of friendships. In the same article byPsych Central, threats to platonic intimacy include inconsistency or ghosting habits where the responsibility of the friendship belongs to one person. Lack of consideration for boundaries is also a challenge.

Whether it's a female or male friendship – friends with benefits are definitely not welcomed in platonic intimacy. It creates a complicated, unhealthy, dynamic. Let’s be honest, complicated is the last thing anyone wants in deep connection and friendship. And healthy, reciprocal close friendships should be fluid, not complicated.

Lastly, one-sided vulnerability where one friend knows you intimately, but cannot reciprocate the same transparency doesn’t work either. The goal of platonic intimacy is closeness, not to play therapist.

Why Platonic Intimacy Improves Your Life

Life is Better When Close Friendships Are Deepened

To me, platonic intimacy in friendships is a conscientious effort over time. But any close friendship and/or relationship is exactly that. Close friendships are essential to our health and overall well-being. Research studies have shown that platonic intimacy or platonic love helps with improved health, lower stress, and resiliency. This includes reduced risk for heart disease, anxiety, and depression.

Close intimate friendships make us mentally and emotionally stronger. And what I mean by that is having support or lifelines. Sometimes, family cannot be our lifeline — this is where platonic intimacy comes in. It’s friendships that make us feel safe, seen, and heard that deepen this thing called life.

We as humans are not wired to be alone in any regard. We are not here to experience one type of love or life either. However, we are here to connect interdependentlyand love well.

I want you to know choosing someone doesn’t have to be limited to a romantic relationship. First and foremost choose yourself first. But also choose people who choose you as much as you choose them – each and every single time regardless of time, distance, or circumstances.

Choose the friendships that fill your cup, make you whole, understood, nurture your peace, and that make you feel undeniably safe.

Platonic intimacy in friendships is one of the greatest loves you will ever know and experience in this lifetime. And I hope you get the chance to know her.

(Thank you to my friend and client M.K.R. for inspiring me to write this article with her own examples of platonic intimacy in her friendships.)

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