

As someone who pretty much makes a living out of sharing all of the things that I've learned about relationships, if there's a consistent thread that ran through pretty much all of my dysfunctional ones, it's the fact that, at the foundation of each and every one of them, I didn't trust myself very much—even before they started. The reason why I didn't trust myself is because I didn't take out the time to really get to know me and my wants and needs before attempting to get to know other people.
Most of us would agree that trust is a core principle for all healthy connections, whether they are personal or professional. When you trust someone, it means that you are confident in their character and integrity. It means that you know they are reliable. When you trust another person, it means that, if anyone is gonna say what they mean and mean what they say, they are the one individual that you don't have to worry about; if anyone can be depended upon to have your back, they are it.
Unfortunately, a lot of us put this kind of confidence in the wrong people because confidence does not lie within us first. We don't trust our own judgment. Our gut instincts. Shoot, we barely even trust what our mind, body and spirit tell us that we need (especially over what our appetite tells us that we want). Unfortunately, the fallout of all of this is that, when you don't trust yourself, you can end up trusting the epitome of the wrong kinds of people. You can also end up making some pretty bad decisions too. And the fallout of all of this is you end up distrusting yourself…even more.
I know this isn't a topic that's discussed nearly as much as it should be. So, in the effort to make sure that you trust you before anyone or anything else, I've provided a few signs that you probably have trouble trusting yourself, followed by three ways to break free from that totally counterproductive mold.
You Can’t Make Decisions Without an Entire Tribe in Tow
Accountability is a good thing. More of us could stand to apply it our lives far more often, to tell you the truth. But it's one thing to be open to having people reel you back in or call you out on your ish; it's another matter entirely if you're mentally and emotionally paralyzed without 5-7 of your friends helping you to make a decision.
A lot of times, if a person requires an audience in order to make choices in life, it's because they want others to like what they are (or aren't) doing. They are so consumed by that, their own happiness doesn't even really factor in all that much.
So yeah, if you need a bunch of people to "get", understand or co-sign on what you are—or aren't—about to do in your life, that is a very telling indication that you don't trust yourself very much; that you think the opinion of others is more important, impactful and relevant than your own. (Pretty scary, huh?)
You Flip-Flop. A LOT.
I've got a friend who I pretty much always wait until her third declaration before I take her seriously. Why? Because she's one of the biggest flip-floppers that I know. Literally, over the course of one day, she can make three different declarations and profess wholeheartedly that she means each one.
What causes someone to be like that? Typically, they are very feelings-oriented and outside-influence swayed. What I mean by that is when they are up, they are going to make a choice based on that feeling but if they feel down 10 minutes later, they are going to make another decision about the very same matter. As far as outside influences go, if they decide to do something and then they read an article about how their favorite celebrity decided to do the opposite based on a similar scenario, suddenly, they think the famous individual—someone they don't even know—probably has more wisdom and insight than they do. (Yeah, that's pretty much a crap shoot most times, if you ask me.)
The problem with being a constant flip-flopper is two-fold. First, it channels mass confusion throughout your psyche. Second, it keeps you from making real progress. After all, the definition of decision is "determination, as of a question or doubt, by making a judgment". Did you peep that? A person who makes a decision does it by being determined to do so. They aren't easily swayed once they make a judgment call. That's because they believe that what they are doing is right for them—no matter what is going on around them (or how often their feelings change because of it).
You Rarely Try New Things
When's the last time you went to a new place, tried a new food or attempted something that was totally out of your comfort zone? If you're staring blankly at the screen because that's how long it's been for you, you've just ran into another sign that you don't trust yourself, nearly as much as you should.
Although some people probably think that sticking with the same ole' predictable patterns and routines is about "knowing oneself enough to not venture out", it's actually the opposite. A part of what it means to trust yourself is that you have a level of confidence that assures you that stepping out and doing new things is a good idea. That, no matter what happens, at the end of the day, you'll be just fine. If you don't know anything else about yourself, you are able to 100 percent trust that.
You’re a Closet Envier
Envy is evil. Straight up. It's all about being so focused on what someone else has going on that you're not able to pay attention to the good things that are happening in your own life. In fact, envy is so ridiculous that it's mentioned in the 10th Commandment (Exodus 20:17)—"Thou shall not covet." (Coveting is envying, by the way).
So, how do you know for sure that envy is something that you struggle with? You're constantly comparing yourself with others. You have a hard time being genuinely happy for people and their triumphs. You are always trying to set your life to the pace of someone else's. You think that success means outdoing someone instead of living your own best life. You are a copier. You dislike others for no real good or valid reason. In short, you're a hater.
Ugh. Just reading all of that can show just how draining envy is. It's also an enemy of your spiritual development because it can have you out here feeling like God loves someone else more than you; that He's looking out for someone else more.
Someone who trusts themselves doesn't have time for envy because they are confident in their own gifts and abilities. The end result is they are too busy creating their own glow-up to be concerned or worried about someone else's.
Your Voice Isn’t Loud Enough
Back in the day, there was an episode of A Different World where Tisha Campbell played a student by the name of Josie who had HIV and Whoopi Goldberg played her professor. An assignment was given to the class to write their own eulogy (you can watch a clip of it here). As Josie was fidgeting to get through her presentation, which included sharing that she had HIV, Whoopi's character told her, "You are a voice in this world." She sure was because, all these years later, I still remember that scene. That's how powerful a story can be.
Above my bed, there is a quote that says, "Your story matters. Tell it." Your perspective, your experiences, your personality—there's something about all of these things that are yours and yours alone. They are what make you a rare commodity on this planet. But who's gonna know just how significant and relevant to the culture you are if you're not speaking up?
A lot of people have a hard time trusting themselves because, quite frankly, they aren't sharing enough of who they are and what they have to offer with others. You can't trust yourself if you don't believe what Josie's teacher told her—"You are a voice in this world". What are you waiting for? Speak up. (A good read on this topic is "The Power of Your Voice: 3 Steps to Finding and Embracing It".)
How to Trust Yourself—First, Take Great Risks
It's kind of weird that a lot of us are able to trust other people when we don't even trust ourselves. But when you think about those who you do put your confidence in, how did it get to the point where you felt sure that you could? You took a chance on them, right? You told them a secret and they kept it to themselves. You asked a favor and they came through. You needed them to be an ear and a source of support and they made themselves available. In short, you took a risk and they didn't disappoint.
The same way that you extended yourself to others to see if they were worthy of your trust, that is the same thing you must do in order to trust yourself more. This means you need to meet new people, attempt something that you've never done before and again, be intentional about going beyond your comfort zone, both personally as well as professionally, from time to time.
If the thought of doing this terrifies you, but you're going to try it anyway, that is already a step towards building trust and self-confidence. The cool thing about taking risks is they can open the door to new opportunities, teach you lessons about yourself and others, and prepare you for taking even greater chances in the future. As a result, fear will fade. And that's always a good thing.
Next, Develop Your Strengths
A huge mistake that a lot of us make, far too often, is we focus on our weaknesses far more than we do our strengths. But if all you do is focus on what you can't do well, you're never going to refine and perfect what you do.
A good example of this is me and my brother. I have a gift for writing; it comes effortlessly to me. Something I have the talent for is singing. My brother is the opposite. He's had great success as an artist, but if I looked at him and said, "I'm going to abandon my natural writing ability to become a better singer", while I might've gotten better, I know for a fact that I wouldn't have seen the kind of success that I have had as a writer.
Strengthening weaknesses is cool. But man, take it from me—if you put more sweat equity into further developing your strengths, you'll be unstoppable in so many ways. The trust that you have in yourself and what you can accomplish will go straight through the roof!
THEN, BE YOURSELF. UNAPOLOGETICALLY SO.
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." He is so right. I venture to say that a lot of people are out here, totally distrusting themselves, and it's all because they are paying more attention to what society, their family and their peers are telling them to be rather than 1) pondering who God created them to be and 2) looking within to figure out the kind of person they want to be.
I can personally attest to the fact that when you're intentional about being your true and authentic self, not everyone is going to like it. A part of the reason is because genuineness is foreign to a lot of folks; it's uncomfortably different. In fact, I've got a quote by a writer named Shannon L. Alder that's the signature on one of my email accounts. It says, "Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure ones exit." Say that, Shannon.
Always remember that trust is about strength, ability, sureness and integrity. If you focus on developing these things in such a way that you can be proud of yourself, what others think (or don't think) won't matter nearly as much. You'll accept that who's meant for you will enter, who isn't will exit—and both are for the best. Because life is too short and you are too special to be out here pretending to be someone else, simply to please others. You'll know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you've got to trust yourself enough to be completely and unapologetically yourself. And graduating to that kind of mentality will bless you tenfold!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily
6 Signs You Are WAY Too Self-Critical
Feature image by Unsplash
- Signs It's Time For A Major Life Change - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 8 Ways To Be Kinder To Yourself, Kind To Yourself - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 3 Ways to Develop Self-Trust ›
- Why You Can't Trust Yourself | Mark Manson ›
- 6 Tips for Building Trust in Yourself ›
- Stop Looking for Signs and Trust Yourself ›
- Why You Don't Trust Yourself - Thrive Global - Medium ›
- 5 Signs You Should Trust Yourself More (and How to Do That ... ›
- Why you do not trust yourself | Peter Shallard ›
- Don't trust me. Trust you. A guide to overcoming self-doubt. | Jason ... ›
- 13 Signs You Don't Trust Yourself, Even Though You Should ›
- 21 Signs You Don't Trust Yourself ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
10 Moms You Should Be Following Who Are Living, Loving & Mothering On Their Own Terms
Motherhood is looking different these days, and we must say, we love to see it. From digital creators to wellness entrepreneurs, today's moms are showing up online not just as caretakers, but as the multi-faceted, multi-layered women they are.
These moms are building businesses, creating art, prioritizing their rest, healing generational trauma, and redefining what it means to raise a child while staying rooted and true to their own identities.
Most importantly, these women aren't just sharing cute baby pics (although we live for those, too!), they're giving us the real about being mothers while also being themselves, creative expression, and the blueprint for what it means to embody themselves fully.
Whether they are documenting the beauty in the chaos of parenting or making space for their own passions, the following mamas serve as reminders that motherhood is not a monolith. Keep reading for some Black moms who deserve a spot on your TL if they aren't there already.
@brookedevard
Brooke DeVard is a beauty podcaster, content creator, and style muse who’s redefining what it means to do it all, with intention and grace. Whether she’s behind the mic as the host on Naked Beautyor holding both her babies in a quiet moment of joy, Brooke shows that you don’t have to choose between your passions and your presence. Sis is living proof that you can lead, nurture, and glow, all at once.
@yvettecorinne
Yvette Corinne is a digital creator and co-founder of Hair for the Girls, who’s showing us what it means to embrace the ups and downs of postpartum with honesty, humor, and heart. Through candid reflections and style-forward moments, she reminds fellow mamas that beauty, chaos, and grace can all coexist on one’s postpartum journey. And that joy can be found in the smallest wins.
@eliserpeterson
Elise R. Peterson is a visual artist, children’s book illustrator, and host of the Cool Moms podcast who uses storytelling as a form of liberation, for herself and for other creatives. Whether she’s nurturing her son, Sargent, or curating space for honest conversations on identity and artistry, Elise is a reminder that motherhood can be a portal for deeper self-expression as opposed to a limitation of it.
@loveoffering
Josefina is a mindful artist and writer whose work feels like a warm exhale in a world that often moves too fast. Through poetic captions on healing, tender family moments, and her Substack newsletter cuídate, she offers gentle reminders that in motherhood and in life, presence, grace, and emotional connection matter far more than perfection.
@jalisaevaughn
JaLisa E. Jefferson is a Dallas-based digital creator, wife, and mom of three whose motherhood journey is equal parts joy, faith, and full-blown toddler chaos. Through honest reflections and heartfelt storytelling, she reminds us that the little things, like bedtime bribes, belly laughs, and beautifully messy routines, are often life’s biggest blessings. Her love for her life runs deep, and her gratitude shows up in every frame she posts.
@theprettygirlsguide
DeAnna Bobbi is a DMV-based mom blogger whose content brings the laughs, the looks, and the real talk about motherhood, pregnancy, and everything in between. Whether she’s giving mom hacks or documenting her 25-week Brazilian wax with zero shame and all the humor, DeAnna reminds us that honesty (with a side of style) is a superpower in this season of life.
@elainewelteroth
Elaine Welteroth is a bestselling author, former Teen Vogue EIC, and founder of BirthFUND, using her platform to fight for maternal health equity while navigating the beauty and complexity of new motherhood. In her own words, every stage of parenting feels "slow," brutal, and beautiful all at once, which is why she chooses to romanticize the little moments, even as she pre-grieves how fleeting they’ll one day feel. Her motherhood journey is both a personal evolution and a public call to reimagine care, softness, and support for women everywhere.
@designaddictmom
Stacey-Ann Blake is a home decor creator whose vibrant aesthetic is matched only by the warmth she brings to motherhood. From backyard tents in the fall to colorful corners curated with love, she reminds us that home isn’t just a space you live in, it’s an atmosphere where creativity blooms, joy is intentional, and childhood gets to feel magical. Her content inspires mamas to embrace boldness, beauty, and play in their everyday lives.
@hautemommie
Leslie Antonoff, Hautemommie and all-around powerhouse, is on a mission to inspire women, especially Black women, to live magnificently. With honesty and elegance, she shares what it means to mother with vision: to lead with softness, to nurture with strength, and to reject every outdated expectation of what motherhood is "supposed" to look like. For Leslie, motherhood is legacy work, and she wears that responsibility with grace and pride.
@latonyayvette
LaTonya Yvette is an author, editor, and creative consultant whose storytelling around motherhood is lyrical, layered, and deeply lived-in. With over 14 years of parenting behind her, she captures the tenderness of raising a child in a rapidly shifting world, reminding us that motherhood isn’t just a personal journey, but a sacred thread in a much larger, collective story. Her words are a mirror, a balm, and a reminder that presence is its own kind of legacy. If you've never come across her account on IG, we think you should start here.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Elise R. Peterson/Instagram