So, as I’m in the process of finishing up my next book, there is a good amount of content on what I used to think a friend was vs. how I define friendship now. As I was walking down memory lane of some, “What the hell was that?!” relational dynamics, I thought about how a few folks have told me, over the past year or so, that some of the friendships they thought they would be old and gray with are either nonexistent or not anywhere close to what it used to be.
Geeze. Ain’t it wild how some of the folks who you thought would be in your world for the rest of your life end up not even functioning in the same universe as you? And when you stop and look back on it, although there were probably a few things that you kept overlooking for the sake of keeping them around, there is probably one main thing that had you be like, “You know what? Enough is enough at this point.”
Today, 12 women are going to share what their own final straw is. My motive for even bringing this up is because life is all about choices (did you know that we typically make between33,000-35,000 decisions every single day?!), and one of the most potentially life-altering ones that you will ever make is who you choose to share your life with and influence your world by.
That said, you’ve got someone very close to you who you’re unsure about; maybe one (or more) of these experiences will provide you with the clarity that you seek — because time is precious…with relationships, we must use it very wisely.
*Middle names are always used in this type of content so that people can speak freely.*
1. Reneé. 31. Friendship Ended After 10 Years.
Giphy“You ever had a friend who is just a lot of work? They’re fun, they’re funny and you have a good time with them. But you’re always their emergency contact — and it has nothing to do with their physical health. I just got tired of her always being in a crisis and never wanting advice about how to get out of her BS.
"She thinks that being a real friend means that you cosign on whatever she does and then that you bail her out whenever she does it. When you’re in college, it’s funny. Get past that age, and it’s draining.”
2. Angeleeya. 36. Friendship Ended After 20 Years.
“I’m sure you’ve heard the quote, ‘no person is your friend (or kin) who demands your silence or denies your right to grow’ by Alice Walker. My friend hates accountability, so she demands my silence. She’s always making poor decisions, which keeps me in a headspace that I don’t like to be in, which is denying my right to grow. I look back and think about how much time I wasted thinking that I was helping her when it was more like I was enabling her life.
"Now that she’s gone, I have more time to pour into me and my own needs. I miss her but not enough to give up what I got because I let her go — myself.”
3. Waverly. 28. Friendship Ended After Three Years.
Giphy“When I was single, my friend and I were fine. I can’t think of one fight that we ever had. When I got with my [now] husband, it was a little awkward; I thought we just needed to adjust things a bit. When that girl paid for her bridesmaid dress at the last minute, was a no-show at the rehearsal dinner, and came late to the wedding, and then was passive-aggressive the entire day — she didn’t wish me well, and I knew it. I waited until a few months to see if things would get better, but she barely called and had an attitude when she did.
"My husband said, ‘We can’t have people around who aren’t happy for us’ and I agreed. I tried to talk to her about it, and she kept saying we could talk later. Later turned into never. My number has changed, and I am fine with that.”
4. Mycah. 40. Friendship Ended After 9 Years.
“Have you ever had a friendwho refuses to apologize but they want you to do it all of the time? They can do big s-it, and you should overlook it, but if you accidentally hang up on them while they’re in mid-sentence, they’re going to hold a grudge until you acknowledge it? That’s what my former best friend was like. Your best friend shouldn’t be so emotionally high-maintenance that you feel like you have to walk on eggshells just to keep the peace.
"Pretty much all of my other friendships are way easier and, at 40, if it’s going to be more difficult than it needs to be, I don’t want it — especially when it comes to dealing with other people.”
5. Chell. 26. Friendship Ended After Five Years.
Giphy“Don’t date a friend unless you both are on the same page about it. I lost my best guy friend because I developed feelings for him, and he was physically attracted to me. We decided to see if we could date, but I was emotionally ‘ahead’ of him. So when things turned sexual, I started to want something more, and he just wanted us to remain friends who had sex.
"I began to resent him, and that made him pull back. About six months in, our friendship became a weight. We’re still cordial — even a step up from that. We’ll never be what we were. It wasn’t worth it.”
6. Brayleigh. 43. Friendship Ended After 10 Years.
“I once had a very close girlfriend who just doesn’t take initiative. As long as I’m doing the calling, the planning of hanging out or taking girlfriend trips, she’s all about it — but if I am quiet and still, she can easily go weeks without us speaking. I know some people say that they can do friendship that way, but it annoys me; not just to do most of the work but that you think we should be each other’s closest reliable source and you’ll only connect with me if I put in the effort to connect with you.
"When I brought it up to her, what ‘took it there’ was her telling me that I was ‘a lot’ and ‘insecure.’ I think another thing that your closest friend should be is a place where you can be your most vulnerable. If I have to chase you down and get attacked when I share my feelings or something that you don’t want to hear about yourself, why are we even friends? She couldn’t answer that question. That was my sign.”
7. Isha. 23. Friendship Ended After Four Years.
Giphy“My closest guy friend started dating my closest girlfriend. Neither one of them told me about it until my guy friend found out that my girlfriend cheated on him — then, all of a sudden, he wanted me to do something about it. Long story short, he caught feelings, and she didn’t, and he tried to pull some ‘birds of a feather’ psycho-babble on me and act like her decisions reflect on my character. So, he said that he didn’t trust her or really even me anymore, and that put tension on the entire dynamic.
"He didn’t take accountability for hiding it from me either. We found ourselves not having much to talk about other than her, and that got on my nerves. We’re friends. We’re not best friends anymore, though. I side-eye her a bit for not telling me, too. She’s not off of the hook either.”
8. Daphne. 31. Friendship Ended After Seven Years.
“Back when I told Shellie that I thought she was petty for not liking her friends to be friends, she just said, ‘Keep living.’ I hate that she was right because the reason why my BFF and I are no longer is because she started to become like a clone, [a] parasite, something in my other relationships. Over the last couple of years of our friendship is when my career started to soar, and the folks who I was meeting, she would insert herself into my connections and try and get as much out of them as she could.
"Not only was it selfish and shady but it had those people looking at me crazy, too. When I confronted her about it, she took it as me being jealous and threatened. I thought it was gaslighting, and we had a big fallout over it. Keeping worlds separate isn’t a bad thing. The world is big enough that people don’t have to constantly be on your coattail to get what they want in life.”
Shellie here: The article that she’s referring to is “Why I Prefer My Friends To NOT Be Friends With Each Other.”
9. Evelyn. 30. Friendship Ended After 11 Years.
Giphy“My former friend was a liar. I don’t know how else to put it. It’s like she had four or five different lives going on. She would play holier-than-thou with me and literally be in these streets with other folks. It got to the point that I couldn’t trust her because the other sides of her were so different than who she portrayed herself to be with me. I think what hurt me more than anything was her thinking that I couldn’t handle us having different values. I still think she believes that we’re not friends anymore because of that when really it’s just because she’s not a genuine person.”
10. Deelah. 29. Friendship Ended After Seven Years.
“Shellie used to tell me that if you’ve got to keep tabs on your relationships, that’s your first sign that reciprocity is lacking. I love my [former] friend and there are times when I really do miss her. I just know that if I were to ever reach out to try and fix us, nothing is going to change. I’m going to do most of the calling unless she needs something, she’s always going to find an excuse for why she dropped the ball on my birthday, and I will eventually get sick of trying to get her to listen to my problems without her making them about herself. Even when I told her that I didn’t think we could stay close friends, she played the victim role. Friendships shouldn’t be harder than a relationship. Damn.”
11. Josephine. 33. Friendship Ended After 11 Years.
Giphy“My former BFF was never that great of a communicator. When you’re friends with someone, you try and take the good with the bad. Here’s what we’re not gonna do, though: You’re not gonna be on some ‘hey girl’ when you’re in my face and then taking shots at me on social media and acting like you don’t know what I’m talking about whenever I ask you about it. That’s how she handled all of our issues — not handling them and then putting our business out on front street.
"It started to feel like I couldn’t trust her, then it started to feel like she was out to get me and ruin how people see me but play innocent the whole time. I asked her to stop handling things like that and she was like, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Since she didn’t want to respect my feelings, I had to get out of the friendship. It feels safer without her.”
12. Myla. 46. Friendship Ended After 39 Years.
“You know how they say that people are breaking up for half of the time before they get a divorce? I think the same thing about friendships. My former best friend has been in my life, most of my life, but I think we’ve been friends in name only since our late 20s. Sometimes, it’s the memories and what used to be that makes you think that you’re still bonded, but your lives don’t really mesh anymore. The final straw for me was looking at how she was as a wife and mom and it being so different from me.
"We found ourselves arguing more than taking each other’s advice or even just listening, and the more that happened, the more I realized that we had nowhere to go. Our kids are friends, and so we don’t get in the way of that, but now, it’s more like we do play dates than friendship bonding. I can’t really say it’s hard for me because I think I let her go a long time ago. The wasted time is what bothers me most because it should’ve happened before it did.”
____
I know, right? All of these stories are confirmation that if anything has layers, levels, and complexities, it’s friendship — and when it comes to close friendships, if anything can impact your life in a way that nothing else can, those would be it.
That’s why I think this type of content (check out “Is It Time To Initiate A 'Friend Divorce'?”) is important because, while ending a friendship can be hard, sometimes it really is necessary…sometimes it’s what you need to do to get to the next better thing for you.
An author by the name of Sylvester McNutt III once said, “Closure happens right after you accept that letting go is more important than projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been.” If that resonates with you, maybe it’s time to end a friend chapter and begin a new narrative.
If it is, take it from me and the 12 women I spoke with — that’s okay. Beneficial even…if you both are preventing each other from having better friends and, more importantly, being the best kind of friend to yourself. If it’s time, sis — break free and get free. Ultimately, it’s worth it.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
So…apparently, there was once a Parade survey of 1,001 married Americans concerning sex.
Surprisingly (at least, to me), 88 percent of them said that their sex lives made them happy or they were at least “reasonably content” with it. The reason why that surprises me is because 1) I’m aware that somewhere around 15 percent of marriages are currently sexless; 2) only about half of people have sex on a weekly basis, and 3) if that many folks are indeed that satisfied in the bedroom, why do so many of us who work with long-term couples always hear otherwise?
Then, I paused and pondered on the “reasonably content” part. I don’t know about you, but to me, that doesn’t sound like hanging-off-of-the-chandeliers kind of sex. That’s more like, “I’ll take it however and whenever I can get it” sex — and, in my eyes, that’s just not good enough. To me, sex is a beautifully wondrous thing that should reach the peak of pleasure as much as possible.
Fortunately, I do know a few couples who profess to have great (awesome, fabulous, and tremendous) sex pretty much every time that they have it. Even though most of them aren’t familiar with each other, interestingly enough, they all agree that while skill and technique play a role in amazing coitus, there are other factors that can prevent great sex from transpiring, too.
I did some researching, interviewing, and reviewing of past sessions that I’ve had with couples, and here are the 10 things that continue to come up, as far as being barriers to the kind of sex that every single person deserves — sex that doesn’t just leave you feeling “reasonably content” (goodness, let’s raise that bar, please).
1. You’re Not the Best of Friends
GiphyBefore getting into this one, let me just say that I’m not referring to a “friends with benefits” dynamic. Although some of those do end up transitioning from being sex buddies to a full-blown relationship, some studies say that only about 15 percent of them do, and that’s not the greatest odds on the planet (for the record, around 28 percent are able to go back to being just friends as well).
No, what I’m referring to here is it’s wise to experience physical intimacy with someone who has the qualities of being one of your absolute closest friends: they’re honest, supportive, compassionate, loyal, communicate well, and they definitely are someone who you consider to be a safe space. When you’re in a relationship with someone who you also consider to be one of your dearest (if not dearest) friends, there is an incomparable level of trust and peace that makes intimacy that much easier — and special.
2. You Need to Get a Check-Up
GiphyIf you were to ask a group of people if they should get an annual check-up, they would probably say “yes.” Hmph, problem is, only about one-fifth of us actually do it, and when it comes to our libidos, that can be (potentially) problematic as hell. The reason why I say that is sometimes “not being in the mood” has very little to do with anything emotional, psychological, or relational; it’s actually a result of not taking the best care of your health.
Things like obesity, hormonal imbalances (including perimenopause and menopause), certain medications, stress, and good old-fashioned aging can be the underlying culprits, and if that is indeed the issue, as much as you might think that Google can cure everything, you actually need a medical professional to confirm what is going on — and what you need to do in order to rectify the situation.
3. You’re Not Affirming and Affectionate on a Daily Basis
GiphyQuestion: When was the last time that you gave your partner a sincere compliment? Believe it or not, there are studies that support the fact that complimenting others not only boosts their self-esteem and confidence levels but it also creates an atmosphere for clearer communication while motivating and causing the individual on the receiving end to feel valued. Not only that, but the person who gives the compliments ends up feeling happier and more grateful, too.
As far as affection goes, aside from the fact that it helps you to feel emotionally closer to your partner, there are health benefits to consider as well. Kissing, cuddling, and even holding hands can help to decrease stress levels, lower blood pressure, and even strengthen your immune system. The way I like to look at this is affirmations are a verbal form of foreplay, while affection is a PG version of it — and when it comes to experiencing great sex, foreplay should always be in the mix.
4. You Don’t Plan Dates (and Then Actually Go on Them)
GiphyI’ve got a girlfriend who’s been married for several decades and hardly ever gets taken out on dates by her husband. In his mind, it’s kind of a waste of money; he’d rather be a “great provider” than a romantic kind of dude. Problem is, her top love language is quality time, and so, not dating frustrates her more than most. You know what, though? Their story isn’t rare. In fact, some studies indicate that over half of the married couples in this country never go out on dates. SMDH.
There are dozens of reasons why this is not a good idea as far as “divorce-proofing” your marriage goes; however, since this article is about sex, specifically, quality time strengthens emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy improves the quality of one’s sex life. So, if you’re in a long-term relationship, your sex life is ho-hum, and you can’t remember the last time you and your partner actually went out together — perhaps it’s time to connect those dots.
5. Your Relationship Is Not Your Top Priority
GiphyIf I had to choose one main issue that keeps me in business (as far as marriage life coaching is concerned), it’s that one or both spouses in a marriage “forget” (I put that in quotes because sometimes they literally forget and sometimes it’s more of a passive-aggressive choice) to make their partner their very top priority (under God, that is). When it comes to this particular topic, a priority is defined as being “the right to precede others in order, rank, privilege, etc.; precedence” and when you say “I do” to someone, that is a part of what you are publicly declaring — that they are going to take precedence over everyone else in your world.
And what are some indications that your partner is your top priority? You are proactive rather than reactive when it comes to their needs. You are quick to want to resolve problems while being slow to create them. You consistently want them to feel heard, validated, and safe. You make them aware that they are a part of both your short and long-term plans. Empathy is a foundational part of the relationship. And honey, when two people do this for each other outside of the bedroom, how can there not be fireworks inside of it? Straight up.
6. Your Kids Are Taking Over
GiphyI always find it interesting whenever people get triggered by my saying that children should never come before marriage. For one thing, the marriage existed first. Secondly, kids aren’t adults; they don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to find balance in their needs or demands; adults need to be the ones to regulate both. And third, have you read how divorce affects/impacts kids even well into their adulthood?
At the end of the day, children want happy parents and there’s a greater chance that will happen when husbands and wives put their relationship first. Unfortunately, even with all of the data that supports my points, a lot of people still let their kids take over their entire lives — including their bedroom and that can lead to, not only a “less than” sex life but a completely ruined one, if you’re not careful.
That’s why I think it’s important for parents to read articles like HuffPost’s “We Decided To Tell Our Kids When We’re Having Sex. Here’s Why — And What Happened After.” and also ones that I’ve penned for the platform like, “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex,” “How To Make Sex Easier (& More Fun) When You've Got Kids” and even “10 New Moms Share What They Wish They Knew About Sex Post-Delivery.” The takeaway here is kids are to be a part of your life — not all of it.
7. The Chemistry Is Off
GiphyChemistry is an interesting thing because, although it is pretty necessary when it comes to having a fulfilling sex life, science is still trying to figure out just how to narrow it down. According to a particular article that I read, a featured sex therapist said that sexual chemistry is a combination of attraction, hormones, and even a combination of pleasant memories and/or nostalgia. Another article said that the level of brain chemicals like dopamine and norepinephrine that naturally arise when we’re around certain people (vs. others) cannot be underestimated either.
To me, when it comes to (sexual) chemistry, I think my biggest takeaway is if there is something that you can’t really fake, that would be it, and so, while you shouldn’t rely on chemistry alone when it comes to cultivating a healthy and long-lasting relationship, if, after about three dates or so, there is no “spark,” don’t play that down. Sex is an essential part of a committed relationship, which means that chemistry, on some level, absolutely needs to be present and accounted for.
8. There Is Sexual Frustration
GiphyWhenever I hear someone say, “I’m not angry; I’m frustrated,” I always appreciate that level of self-awareness because being frustrated isn’t about being resentful so much as it’s about being disappointed — and sexual disappointment can happen in a billion different ways. Maybe the quality of sex has decreased. Perhaps you’re not having as much sex as you would like. Could it be that you want more spontaneity or romance, and your partner rarely, if ever, seems to rise to the occasion? Or shoot, maybe your sexual wants and needs have changed, and your partner doesn’t want to make the necessary adjustments.
A part of the reason why I’ve penned articles for the platform like “7 Questions You Should Ask Your Partner Before Giving Them Some” and “9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.” is because the only way that you can ensure that your partner is truly satisfied as far as sex goes is if you ask. When it comes to great sex, there is no room for ego, assumptions, or taking the “if it always worked, it still should” approach. People who move like that? One way or another, they are going to disappoint their bae as far as sexual satisfaction goes (whether their bae actually tells them that or just…fakes through it instead).
9. Or Sexual Repression
GiphyOn the heels of the last point, one of the reasons why sex is considered to be an ultimate form of communication is that when it’s good — and I mean, really, really good — all five senses (sight, hearing, taste, touch, and sound) are involved (check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever”). Another reason is that when you can trust your partner to share your deepest sexual desires and perhaps even a sex-themed bucket list or entries from your sex journal, that can open the door to all types of sexual pleasure…and close the door to what’s known as sexual repression.
Probably the easiest way to define sexual repression is it’s what happens whenever you’re holding back feelings and longings as far as sex is concerned. There are several things that can cause this to transpire. It could be fear of rejection, suppressed childhood or religion-related issues, guilt or shame surrounding certain sex acts, or even physical pain during sex.
For instance, I know a wife who was raped in college and never told her husband. For years, they had sex-related issues because it’s almost as if she was stoic during the act, which led him to not find sex enjoyable at all because he felt like he was unwanted. I also know a wife who, because she is a first lady (you know, a pastor’s wife), has suppressed a lot of her sexual fantasies because she’s afraid that her husband will find them to be “inappropriate.”
In both of these instances, a sex therapist could do a lot of good (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”) because they are professionally trained to deal with all levels of sexual repression — something that is very real, even if it’s not openly discussed very often.
10. Orgasms Consume You
GiphyDo you need to experience orgasms in order to have good sex? No. You don’t. Can it be magnificent whenever you experience them, though? Of course. That said, when it comes to having great sex, although orgasms are literally defined as being the peak of sexual arousal, it is important to take the pressure off of both you and your partner. Contrary to whatever you’ve heard (or told yourself), sex can be pleasurable whether you reach a climax or not, together or not.
However, if you want to have more orgasms, don’t make them the goal so much as heightening your intimacy, taking your time, relishing in each other’s erogenous zones, doing some dirty talking, and being in the moment. When you’re “great” at these things, one way or another, great sex — and possibly a few orgasms along the way — is sure to follow. #wink
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Featured image by Giphy