We Asked 10 Men What Makes A Woman “Wife Material”
There are a billion times 10 reasons why I think it's important for women to have men as friends. One of them is because, if you really want to know how a man thinks, although everyone is an individual, other men are gonna give you a much more realistic (and reliable) perspective than other women will. This includes when it comes to the topic of marriage.
Now before you roll your eyes and say the last thing (most) men want to think about, let alone discuss, is marriage, I've done some (statistical) digging around. From what I've found, that's simply not true. Men tend to fall in love at first sight far more than women do. Men crave romance far more than they are given credit for. And, once a marital union actually does come to an end, guess who ends it first, the most? Women (70 percent of all divorces are filed by women). Since some studies reveal that married men live longer, make more money and have better sex than single fellas do, that alone explains why they're not so quick to call it quits.
But after reading a feature on Today's site about what makes men want to marry certain women and not others, I decided to conduct a personal study of my own. I hit up a few single, married and divorced men—all handsome, all successful and all good guys—to share with me what life, love and the pursuit of marital bliss (or at least relational contentment) has taught them about what truly makes a woman someone they want to wife up.
Christopher, 48, Married
"Something that's really attractive to me is a woman who carries herself well in public. I'm not just talking about her appearance; a lot of women are great at that. I mean, someone who knows when to put her game face on. Whatever transpired at home or even on the way to where we're going, she doesn't feel the need to share it with others—whether it's with her words, her facial expressions or her energy."
"Men feel safe when the woman they love knows that their business is their business."
Stephen, 35, Single
"I'm looking for someone who's on the same vibration as me. I used to be the kind of person who thought that so long as I was attracted to someone and she was attracted to me that it was a true connection. Now I realize that we need to agree on certain things—ethics, values, faith. It's also important to be open to growth and to be able to receive new information without putting up a wall. I am always pursuing growth. Marriage material, to me, is a woman who can complement that because she's pursuing her own evolution too."
Marcus, 52, Divorced
"People really underestimate the power of interdependence. I'm drawn to a woman who knows that our relationship exists because we need to be able to lean and depend on one another. But, at the same time, she's still self-aware enough to be able to stand on her own."
Stephen, 46, Married
"A woman who takes on personal accountability for her actions is really attractive to me. I once heard my pastor say that a lot of us have a tendency to rationa-LIE our way out of things instead of taking ownership for what we do wrong. We'll deflect, shift blame, manipulate—do anything but say 'I was wrong. I apologize.' A lot of precious time can be spared if when you know you made a mistake or even did something that you knew was going to cause conflict that you just…own it. Otherwise, I start to wonder if there is some sneakiness or deception going on. And that leads to a breakdown in trust."
Jay, 50, Married
"Something that I didn't really consider before getting married is how important it is to be with a woman who truly believes in you. I don't just mean when it comes to supporting your dreams and goals."
"I mean someone who can look past your flaws and imperfections and still have your back. My wife does that and it's a real confidence-builder and super-empowering for me."
Aaron, 36, Married
"It's important for a woman to see sex and affection as more than just a desire; those are things that she needs to need just as much as I do. Some women use sex as nothing more than a bargaining chip and that is something a man can sense from a mile away. Marriage is too much of a long-term and serious commitment to be with someone who isn't as into intimacy as you are—or isn't at least willing to explore getting there."
Javis, 30, Single
"It's beautiful when a woman is really strong in her faith. Once you get married, so many things will test your love in your partner, sometimes even your faith in God. When a woman isn't swayed by trials or even her emotions during the hard times because she is unwavering in her faith, she is priceless."
"A woman who isn't enslaved by her feelings is golden."
Bryant, 28, Single
"I think a woman who encompasses peace is major marriage material. I think it's a misconception that men are afraid of commitment. What we're actually 'afraid' of is getting with someone who is going to bring anxiety and stress into our space—a woman who will make us feel like life was sooo much better when we were single. When we know that a woman is secure in herself and she thinks that 'home' should be synonymous with relational tranquility, we'll put a ring on her finger in a heartbeat!"
Wyman, 32, Married
"A woman who is sexy and knows it is marriage material to me. Sexiness isn't about looking like a cover model, being a size 0 or having long hair or a big butt. Sexiness is knowing what makes you different from everyone else and wanting to show that off, in and out of the bedroom. You can't be sexy and not be confident at the same time. Sexy women have sex with the lights on. Sexy women always have something spontaneous and a little mysterious up under their sleeve. Sexy women can draw you in with their eyes alone."
"Never underestimate the power of a truly sexy woman and how she can satisfy you in a marriage."
Donte', 39, Divorced
"Someone who embraces her femininity and respects my masculinity is fire. In my first marriage, it started to become more and more apparent that my wife wasn't looking for a man. She was looking for a woman who had male genitalia. Men and women are designed by God to have different approaches and feelings about, pretty much everything. Embracing that is what creates our balance. A woman who doesn't fight against that is one in a million."
This is some good stuff worth pondering. So, the next time you and your girlfriends are having a wine down and the topic of marriage material comes up, use this article to bring up some thinking points or FaceTime some of the men in your life. What they say just might surprise you. At the very least, you can trust it because it's coming from the male's perspective.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images