Uh-huh. The title alone lets you know that there is so much to unpack here, so take a deep breath and let's knock this one out so that we all can get free, amen? I guess a good place to start would be with a personal example of why I think this is a topic that should be tackled more often. OK, so there's someone I know who, twice, called me because they needed money for their bills. Because I considered them to be a friend, let's just say that I took care of more than a month because I knew how down on their times they were. Y'all but when someone (several months later) in my family died and I asked them if I could use some of their frequent flyer miles (because they had a ton and clearly this was an emergency), their response was, "I plan on going on a lot of trips this year, so I don't want to give those up." Honey, someone died. DIED.
One-sided friendships are a trip, y'all. They're also just how you'd expect them to be — one person doing most of the work; one person constantly being the shoulder to lean on; one person giving 75-90 percent of the support and encouragement; one person is doing most of the giving and one person always going with their needs being unmet and sometimes, flippantly dismissed or ignored.
Honestly, if I had to choose between an enemy or any more one-sided friends, I'd probably go with the enemy because at least, more times than not, they're not getting anything out of me and I know just where I stand. Yep, that's how bad a one-sided friendship can be. That's why I think we should walk through this thing, together, in the hopes that, if you are or aren't sure if you're currently in a one-sided dynamic with someone, you can get the clarity that you seek in order to make the decision that you need to make. SOON.
First of All, Are You Sure the One-Sided Friendship Is Even a Friendship?
Something that really can't be said enough is the fact that what makes anything a healthy relationship is the root word of the word itself. To relate is to establish a connection and to connect is to communicate and unite with someone else. And y'all, this can't really or completely happen when only one individual is putting forth the time, effort and energy. You know, the reason why I've written articles for the platform like "Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them", "According To Aristotle, We Need 'Utility', 'Pleasure' & 'Good' Friends", "What If You Love Your Friend...But Don't Like Her Anymore?", "What A Supportive Friend Actually Does (It's Not Quite What You Think)" and "Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?" is because I know, from personal experience and the accountants that I've heard from others, that a part of the reason why so many of us find ourselves disappointed in our friendships so often is because we're not even really sure what we should expect from that type of relational dynamic in the first place. And many times, that's due to how our first friendships went down when we were kids.
It's kind of like that wack story that a lot of us were told while growing up — that if a little boy mistreats you in the first grade, that means he likes you (please don't tell your daughters that foolishness). Along these same lines, many of us were introduced to interacting with young boys and girls who were bullies, mean girls and manipulators. And so, unless someone took us aside and explained what our standards and expectations should be, a lot of us found ourselves in highly dysfunctional situations, very early on.
So yeah, if you're wondering if you're in a one-sided friendship or not, first do some real soul-searching over whether or not you even have a good grasp of what a true friend is. A true friend is loyal. A true friend is trustworthy. A true friend respects you. A true friend wants you to feel valued. A true friend shows consistent reciprocity. A true friend supports you. A true friend challenges you. A true friend helps you to feel comfortable in your own skin. A true friend is reliable AF.
If all of what I just said either is somehow foreign to you or has triggered you on some level because you realize that some of your friendships don't look this way, that is already a sign that you may be in something that isn't very healthy or beneficial for you.
How Did Things Start Off?
On the heels of what I just said, a wise person once stated something along the lines of, if you want to see how something will turn out, reflect on how it began.
That said, there is a past friendship of mine that I had to release a couple of years ago because I was definitely doing more giving than I was receiving. And when I think back on how we began, it was during a time when my self-esteem was pretty low, so I introduced myself to her while in a state of admiring her and thinking that she was beyond awesome. While on the surface, that probably doesn't seem so bad, the flag in that is when you start any kind of relationship thinking that you are "less than" in comparison to someone else, that can cause things to have a really imbalanced start. In my case, I was more like a fan of hers and she found ways to avail herself and sometimes even exploit that energy.
So much to the point that when I jotted down how much money (for example) that I had spent over the course of our entire relationship, it was literally in the thousands. Meanwhile, she had gotten me a ring from a museum and some lip gloss that she lost (so I never saw it). Another example is I realized that when I would call her to talk about my problems, she found ways to make things be about her or she would overtalk me to the point where I didn't get to complete my thoughts. Another example? We would plan dates and either she would cancel at the last minute or if I came to her home, numerous times she would be on the phone during the visit or fall asleep (which means you didn't appreciate my driving all the way out to your house, on loop).
Now that's not to demonize her because we had some good moments and if there is one thing she did well (at least to my knowledge) was honor confidentiality. Still, when you start to really like your own self and become your own BFF (check out "Self BFF: 7 Signs You're Your Own Best Friend"), you realize that you want what you give. Not only that but you also realize that there are people in this world who are willing to step up to the plate when it comes to what those needs actually are.
Honestly, in retrospect, had I not been so in awe of her and she didn't feel so comfortable with my being that way, perhaps our friendship could've ended up a different way. What I will say is when I ponder the start of a lot of the friendships I have now, they are way healthier than many of the ones in my past. And I can't help but believe that there is truly something to that because a healthy beginning has a much better chance of continuing on that sort of path.
Have You Ever Experienced a Balanced Friendship Before?
Listen, I'll be the first to say that it's amazing that I am (still) a marriage life coach because when I tell you that both in my family and out, I have seen some straight bullshishery…whew. One time, when my mother and I were discussing this very thing some years ago, she said something that I'm glad I took to heart — "I hope you come into contact with some healthy marriages, so you don't end up becoming jaded." While I must admit that, based on the true definition of healthy, those couples are kind of like a rainbow unicorn, I am thrilled to say that I personally know some, that they are quite inspiring, and they help me to stay motivated to do what I do.
Where am I going with this? Not only do I know some healthy marriages, I also have some balanced friendships. You know what, though? Before I had experienced them for myself, it was easy for me to remain in the hamster wheel of one-sided dynamics because, while they weren't fulfilling me, they were still what I was used to. And what do I mean by "balanced"? Be careful of the kinds of people who state that they can't meet your needs because they "don't have the time".
All of us are busy. All of us have a lot on our plate. Still, we find a way to make time for who and what matters to us — and when someone truly values what you bring to their life, they are going to make sure that you know it.
The reason why I like to use the word "balance" when it comes to defining the opposite of a one-sided friendship situation is because it means things like "the equal distribution of weight". Not just one person is there for the other. Not just one person is doing the giving. Not just one person is being helpful and supportive, even when it's inconvenient at times (check out "Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'"). When two people have signed up to be in a true friendship, they know that there is a certain amount of "weight" that they both need to carry. In fact, by them both doing so, that keeps the friendship from feeling taxing or burdensome for either one of them.
When you've never been in this kind of friendship before, it can be easy to tolerate something far less. That's why I think it's also really important to reflect on who you're in a balanced relationship with. Then, compare those to the ones that are imbalanced. And then, ask yourself why you are remaining in the second ones. This brings me to my next point.
Is Fear Your Relational Motivation to Remain in One-Sided Situations?
I say it often — the opposite of love is not hate but fear. Even the Bible cosigns on that. One of the things that I appreciate about I John 4:18 is it states that "fear involves to torment" and that couldn't be truer when it comes to remaining in one-sided friendships with other people because torment is about constantly worrying and putting yourself through incessant mental suffering. And when we're scared that if we speak up for what we need or are lacking in our relationships, because we don't know what the outcome(s) will be if we do, we are definitely tormenting ourselves.
I once wrote on this platform about a friend who ghosted me because I started telling her what was and wasn't working for me in the friendship (check out "I Was 'Ghosted' By My Best Friend"). I also once had a guy friend who tried to gaslight me the moment when I started to call him out on some of his manipulative ways. The thing that I hate most about both of these situations is I would've been rid of being emotionally mistreated and taken for granted had I not allowed fear to keep me from confronting them years ago.
When it comes to one-sided friendships, never allow fear to hold you back from stating your mind and sharing your heart. The right ones will appreciate that you did. The wrong ones? Well, they will reveal how wrong for/to you they actually were. It's a win either way.
Do You Even Know What You Need in Your Friendships?
With healing comes seeing things from a broader perspective. I will be the first to say that. And while I'm not really trying to defend those who reaped the benefits of being in a one-sided friendship with me (because, believe you me, most of them know it and have absolutely no problem with it; that's another article for another time, though), what I will say is it's unfair to expect anyone to be a mind reader.
Where I'm going with this is, something that I realized in the process of pulling my own self out of the ditch of one-sided friendships is, I had been so used to giving until I was depleted that I wasn't even really sure that my actual needs were much of the time. And so, while I knew things were lacking and I was growing resentful because of it, if one of those people were to say, "List the 10 things you need me to do," I honestly probably would've said, "If you were really my friend, you would try to figure it out. I mean, I am attentive and proactive towards you."
Y'all, if there is one thing that can spare you a ton of disappointment, disillusionment and potential heartbreak (check out "How To Heal From A Broken Friendship"), it's accepting the very true reality that it's unfair to expect people to think like or do the things that you would do, just because you want them to.
That's why clear, concise and consistent communication in relationships — all kinds of relationships — is so important because, holding your needs in, even if it's to "keep the peace" is a form of self-disrespect; however, you can only say that you aren't being respected in the way that you deserve from others once you state what your needs are and they continue to not meet them — because once they know and ignore, now it's a conscious choice. And that's when it's evident that the friendship is problematic and something must be done.
This brings me to my final point.
If Your Needs Aren’t Met, Are You Prepared to Let It Go?
Again, now that I have the kind of friendships where I am meeting needs as my needs are being met, I promise you that I can't think of a solid logical reason for why I would tolerate another one-sided friendship. Case in point. There is someone in my sphere who is cool as all get out. Still, the last time I saw her, I said, "You know we only talk when I call you, right? So, next time we chat, it'll be because you rang me." When I said it, she laughed and was like, "Not so but girl, I'll give you a ring, for sure." Guess how long that's been? Around two years now. On this side of being not codependent or fearful of "losing friendships", I am just fine with that. When I see her, it'll be fine. Yet am I interested in keeping things going by doing all of the work? Uh-uh.
As I bring this all to a close, the main point here is sometimes, the way to handle a one-sided friendship is to end the friendship. I'm not gonna lie and say that it's always easy because as unhealthy as one-sided relationships can be, clearly there is something that you like about the person that has caused you to stick it all out. Personally, what I did was come from the angle of, all of the time, effort and energy, blood, sweat and tears that I was putting into a one-sided friendship where I wasn't getting much reciprocity at all, I now have the room for people who are all about about mutuality — and that is what's so much more beneficial to my overall health and well-being.
Real talk, some of us are in one-sided friendships because we're not good enough friends to ourselves. That's why it's so important to do some self-love journaling (check out "Self-Love Journaling & Why You Should Be Doing It"), to get serious about what you REQUIRE in your friendships and to release those who are unwilling to meet you at your needs (not necessarily all of your wants but definitely your legitimate and realistic needs). Because what's the point in being in any kind of relationship where you are basically in it alone? And for the most part, sis, that's exactly what a one-sided friendship is.
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That’s part of the reason why the term “casual sex” irks me to the billionth degree (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”); it’s because, even if you think that sex with someone is next-to-nothing, there is so much going on within you (oxytocin highs, if you’re unprotected, fluid bonding, chemical reactions in your brain, etc.) that doesn’t know if someone is “the one” (in your mind) or not. So, in many ways, it acts like they are (check out this YouTube video from a Catholic woman who studies some unexpected ways that sex affects us physically here; sex goes deep, y’all!).
Yeah, sex is so much more than a notion, and that’s why I’m a firm believer that it is such a barometer for long-term relationships overall — because, as I’ve shared before, I once read that, “Good sex in a relationship is 10 percent of the relationship while bad sex in a relationship is 90 percent of the relationship because sex tends to set the tone for what’s happening in the rest of the house.”
And that’s why I think that there are certain sex-related issues that can not only damage your sex life with your partner but could also end up ruining your relationship if you’re not careful (very careful). Let’s get into seven of them now.
1. Being Unaware of Your “Body Clock”
GiphyI can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who’ve come to me in some serious trouble, in part due to their flailing (or partly nonexistent) sex life. When I ask them if they went to premarital counseling (if you’re engaged, please do; you have a 33 percent greater chance of avoiding divorce when counseling transpires), many say “no” and the ones who say “yes” usually say that it was no more than 3-5 sessions and the topic of sex barely came up (le sigh). Meanwhile, with my premarital meetings, I try and stick with intimacy for three months if I can because there is a lot to unpack, from what you learned as a child, to your first time (or if you are a virgin), to your needs and fantasies, to how you see it from a spiritual perspective — like I said, there is a lot to unpack there.
Take the mere practicality of sex, for example — and more specifically, your body clock. Do you prefer to have sex at night or in the daytime? A lot of couples struggle with intimacy because one prefers the former while the other likes the latter. Do you keep track of when you’re ovulating? It’s pure science why you are probably hornier during that time of the month (because your body is signaling that it’s time to conceive) vs. the fact that you might not be the most interested in sex when you’re PMS’ing. Are you premenopausal? Hormones shift a lot during that time, and here’s the thing — while menopause only lasts a year, the premenopausal stage (which typically starts between 45-55) can last between 7-14 years. Even paying attention to when you have more energy (some do in the day…morning sex, anyone? While others do early in the evening) can play a role.
So yeah, getting to know your body clock (and discussing your partner’s clock with them) can play a role in how much — or how little — sex you have…and that can add life or drain it from the relationship overall.
2. Comparing Your Present with Your Past
GiphyThere is a wife of almost 20 years I know who, when I asked her if she thought that her husband was good in bed, she paused for a second, shrugged her shoulders, and simply said, “I was a virgin when I got married, so I have nothing to compare him to. I mean, he’s good to me.” On the flip side, there’s a now divorced couple who I also know (who almost made it to 20 years) who had multiple partners before each other while also having a deep interest in porn who once said to me, “Sometimes, there’s as much as 15 people in our bed because of all of the people from our past and the porn that we’ve seen that’s running through our heads.” Yeah, y’all can act like body counts don’t matter, but there is so much evidence out here that says otherwise — that couple just gave one that doesn’t get talked about as much as it should.
You know, one of my favorite throwback shows is King of Queens (Kevin James, Leah Remini). A few weeks ago, I watched a rerun where Doug and Carrie were talking about the images that come up in their minds, sometimes during sex. Neither was too happy about it, and I can totally see why. I mean, if sex was just about “getting off” (and it’s not), then whatever. However, AGAIN, it’s also about connecting with your partner on a mental and emotional level, and that’s hard to do if you’re there with them in the body while you’re fantasizing about a celebrity, a porn actor (porn is usually acting, don’t let it fool you) or an ex (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”).
And what if that is what’s going on? I once spoke with a sex therapist about this very thing. What she said is people should be less concerned about celebs (if it’s on occasion) and more concerned about that ex because rarely is sex with an ex…just about the sex.
And that’s why this point made the list. If you’re physically with your partner and mentally or emotionally with your ex at the same time, please don’t ignore that. There are definitely some unresolved issues there that you need to work through, whether it’s with a therapist, counselor, or coach, a trusted friend (who won’t add fuel to the literal fire), or even with your ex — although you might want to run that by your partner first because…I’m pretty sure you’d want him to do that with/for you. RIGHT?
3. Not Being Clear About Your Sexual Needs
GiphyQuestion — if someone were to walk up to you right now and ask you what your top seven sexual needs are, along with what your top five sexual dealbreakers are, would you be able to answer? It really is kind of wild how many people get upset with their partner for not being able to sexually satisfy them when even they can’t articulate what they need/require in order for that to happen. Yeah, it’s another article for another time about how many people UNREALISTICALLY (and yes, I am yelling it) think that someone loving them well means that they should be able to read their mind. Nope.
It truly can’t be said enough that sex — especially good sex — is about communication. Hmph. It makes me think about a clip that I saw from Tonight’s Conversation podcast (can’t find it at the moment; sorry) where a woman asked how she should tell her partner that he hasn’t been pleasing her, I believe she said for years. My first thought was if he doesn’t know that, she must be faking orgasms (more on that in a bit) which is not only lying — well, it is —, but it’s also pretty counterproductive because while he thinks that he’s “getting the job done,” she’s not fulfilled and resentment is setting in.
Please don’t let rom-coms (fiction) and social media (which is oftentimes fictitious) have you out here thinking that a good lover is someone you automatically gel with who knows exactly what to do; sometimes that is the case, and oftentimes it isn’t.
So, if the sex-related issue that you’re having in your relationship is that your sexual needs aren’t being met, first do you (and your partner) a favor by doing some sex journaling (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) so that you can tangibly see what those needs are and then plan time within the next week or so to pour a couple of glasses of wine, put on some 90s R&B and discuss with your partner what you need. Because actually, what a good lover is, is someone who listens and retains. This brings me to the next point.
4. Minimizing Your Partner’s Sexual Needs
GiphyA husband once told that when he and his wife were in premarital counseling, something that he mentioned was a bona fide need was fellatio. According to him, his wife told both him and their counselor that she loved giving head. Fast forward to eight years of being in their union, and guess how many times that act went down? A measly four. FOUR TIMES (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?”).
It’s another message for another time, the amount of people who will “false advertise” during the dating stage in order to get to their goal of marriage. It’s also another message for another time how much that is a form of manipulation that tends to backfire in ways that the manipulator is oftentimes not prepared for.
For now, what I will say, is never think that just because something may not be a need for you that it isn’t a legitimate one for someone else. I mean, how would you feel if that’s how someone treated you? Yeah…exactly.
Yet that is just what happens in a lot of relationships, including when it comes to their bedroom. They will think that their needs should be met, hands down, yet when their partner comes with what’s important to them, all of a sudden, there is dismissiveness, nonchalance, and/or excuses — and how could that not rear its ugly head on so many levels?
Your partner’s sexual needs are essential, even if they are not your own. Never assume that you automatically know everything about them. Also, never assume that what worked two years ago is what will “scratch the itch” now. Hmph. Come to think of it, while you’re sipping on that wine and clearly articulating to him what turns you on, use that as an opportunity to ask him to return the favor. Listen with humility, receptiveness, and intent — the best kind of relationships process their partner’s needs with this kind of vibe…across the board.
5. Taking the “If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It” Approach
GiphyLazy lovers. When you hear that phrase, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? If it’s someone who is just lying there during sex, that would certainly qualify; however, I’m actually speaking of a different kind of laziness here. Believe it or not, some synonyms for lazy include words like apathetic, inattentive, tired, passive (cough, cough), procrastinating, neglectful, and slacking. So yeah, if you and/or your partner can use any of these words to define what sex is consistently like between the two of you — red flag, red flag…RED FREAKIN’ FLAG.
Speaking of being passive, another potentially serious sex-related problem is taking on the attitude that if something ain’t broke, you shouldn’t fix it. What I mean by that is, just because you know that getting on top and riding for exactly six-and-a-half minutes is what will get your partner off, that doesn’t mean that it should be your automatic go-to all of the damn time.
Why? Because. While a part of the fun of having sex is “reaching the peak,” another component that should never be underestimated is discovering new territory: trying new positions, creating a sex bucket list, taking (more) sexcations, playing sex-themed board games (put that phrase in Amazon or on Etsy’s site and go ham!)…you know, doing what will inspire creativity and deter either of you from becoming bored.
That said, a husband of 17 years once told me, “A man can be satisfied with the same woman. We just don’t want the same kind of sex with her.” Words to live by. Yes, indeed.
6. Using Sex as a Deflection or Coping Mechanism
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good” — and with good cause. Words cannot express how many divorced (or soon-to-be divorced) women have told me that a part of what kept them in their marriage, for as long as they stayed in it, was the fact that the sex with their husband was beyond amazing…even though so much other stuff completely and totally sucked. Hey, good sex isn’t a bad thing (c’mon now); however, if it’s the only real thing that’s keeping you with someone, it can turn out to be a toxic deflector.
The reason why I say that is the purpose of sex isn’t to make love; it’s to celebrate it. And if all you’re doing with your partner is f — king and fighting or avoiding issues by stripping down or thinking that sex will “make it all better,” all the while not really knowing what the problem/issue is or what needs to be done to get down to the root of it, that is using sex as a pacifier and again, that’s not what sex is designed to be. Sex doesn’t deserve the pressure of being the end-all to “fixing” ish.
So, if what’s transpiring in your relationship lately is very little talking and a whole lot of sexing, and then once the sex is over, something still feels “off,” that’s a good indication that you’re misusing sex on some level. Get out of the bed, put on a robe, and do some talking (preferably in a room other than the bedroom; leave that space for sex and sleep only as much as possible). Because remember — as much as the wives that I mentioned said that their husbands once had them climbing the walls, those men are still ex-husbands now. Bottom line, sex is good, yet when it comes to keeping a relationship together, it will never be enough. Again, it was never designed to be.
7. Faking It
GiphyI will never be a fan of faking orgasms. Maybe it’s because I’m a Gemini (we may be a lot of things, but “fake” isn’t really our style). Maybe it’s because I’m a very word-literal individual, and I know that fake means things like “prepare or make (something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent)” and “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive.” Or perhaps it’s because I don’t get how acting like you’re sexually fulfilled when you actually aren’t is doing anyone any good. Whatever it is, whenever a client (or someone in general because men fakealmost as much as women do) tells me that it’s something they do, I immediately find myself on a mission to shut that mess down (check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP”). ALL THE WAY DOWN.
The main reason is that, regardless of if the motive is to hurry things along, not hurt your partner’s feelings, or it’s something more cryptic than that (cough, cough, some form of manipulation tactic), there’s no way around the fact that fakeness is tied to deception and deception is a word that should never be connected to a healthy sexual dynamic.
Besides, one could argue that faking is a form of deflection as well because…wouldn’t it be better to just get it all out in the open WHY you are doing it than to keep pretending when life is too short and great sex is too good to not get the absolute most out of it, as much as possible?
Besides, again, chances are that if you’re faking that you’re sexually pleased, you’re probably faking something else in your relationship (or situation), and how could that possibly be good, right, or beneficial?
Yeah, when it comes to being satisfied across the board, please don’t fake it. State your case in the way that you’d like to hear something said to you, and let the chips fall where they may. If you’ve got a good man, he’s gonna — no pun — rise to the occasion. If his ego can’t handle it, well…that’s something that you should find out sooner than later — when it comes to the bedroom and outside of it? Right? #shoyouright
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