
After the exhausting start of the decade that was last year, 2021 revealed itself to be yet another trying year for our patience with everyone and the audacity they held. Though, instead of wallowing in the uncertainty created by all of the unexpected, like we did last year, this year we were given a soundtrack that challenged how we'd interpret our world.
Last year, the best songs were the ones that distracted us from the tragedy outside. This year, the best songs came from artist who embraced themselves and found peace with the tragedies within. These artist gave us songs that taught us how to love the world we are in, but most importantly, they gave us songs that taught us how to love ourselves within this world.
Below, check out the list of artists that made this year memorable, and brought a wondrous soundtrack to the chaotic second year of what's sure to be an inevitably chaotic decade.
1.Megan Thee Stallion

Megan Thee Stallion
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There are some people that you don't have to meet to know that they are good people and should, at all times, be rooted for. For example, Barack and Michelle Obama. I don't need to know them to know that they are probably the nicest people in the world. Don't get me wrong. I know that they aren't perfect, but so do they, and that only makes them that much more desirable to root for. Amongst them, I would count Megan Thee Stallion. Yes, I know she is not in the exact same category as the Obamas. She is not a huge activist or civil worker as they are, but her genuineness and her ambition place her among their ranks.
Whether it's Megan judging ballroom on HBO Max's Legendary, her three Grammy wins, her promotion of "The Hottie Sauce" for her partnership with Popeyes, her collaborations with Ariana Grande, BTS, Maroon 5, Lil Nas X, her Sports Illustrated cover, her Met Gala appearance, or even graduating college with a degree in health administration, Megan Thee Stallion has made this year her own. And don't we love to see it!
Unlike the other artists on this list, Megan Thee Stallion has managed to succeed in every aspect of her life this year. While being in school, she managed to bring her music and artistry to other artists and to her own stage. Her performances have been entertaining, her features have been awe-inspiring, and her relentless body positivity has been a mirror for all Black women to unapologetically love themselves.
She has been a great artist, but most importantly, she has been a great reflection of how someone can succeed despite all of the odds stacked against them.
2.Silk Sonic

Silk Sonic
John Esparza via Getty Images
Before the announcement of their collaboration, the idea of Anderson .Paak and Bruno Mars teaming up was ludicrous to me. Like a shot out of nowhere, I remember finding myself thinking, What a strange occurrence. Don't get me wrong, I had known them to have toured together before, but I never imagined them making an album together. My greatest bewilderment of the pairing had been everyone else's selling point: Bruno Mars. My mind just could never wrap its head around Bruno Mars truly being an R&B singer. (In hindsight, I attribute this to my once insistent belief--which I know now to be wishful thinking-- that Bruno Mars' singing funk and R&B was just a phase.) Nevertheless, my concerns were quickly assuaged from the moment the duo released "Leave the Door Open" under the name Silk Sonic.
Recreating R&B of the 60s and 70s, Silk Sonic easily reminded audiences of the once bold, vibrant, and adorned music of our past.
From "Leave the Door Open" to "Smoking Out the Window," Silk Sonic has made "come through" messages, insistent flirting, and unforeseeable heartbreak soulful, passionate, and, at times, downright silly. Their music is as smooth as it is nostalgically fun. Even listening to An Evening With Silk Sonic album felt like a Friday after a long week, with a warm, inviting fire and cold beer. The album isn't perfect, but its playfulness and fervent delivery are worth a listen. With "Leave the Door Open" still on repeat on the radio (and in my car) twenty times a day nine months later, there is no doubt that Silk Sonic remains powerful artists of this year.
3.Doja Cat

Doja Cat
Emma McIntyre/Getty Images for iHeartMedia
I am by no means a Doja Cat fan. Between her endless antics--her use of anti-gay slurs, her mockery of COVID (just to get it months later), alleged association with white supremacists--and constant evasion of cancellation, I find it hard to root for her. With this in mind, I reluctantly listened to Doja Cat's Planet Her album after not being able to escape one damn single from the radio. After listening, I find myself coming to a stunning realization: Planet Her is a damn good album, and the marketing behind its promotion was exceptional.
With a star-studded collaboration set, Planet Her is an infectious pop album that is quirky, insouciant, and quippy. While remaining pop, Doja Cat cleverly takes on melodies and beats of other genres, incorporating musical elements such as afrobeat, reggaeton, pop-rap, funk, trap, amongst others, to tell a compelling story. Which, in turn, makes songs that would have been typical and redundant into something new, worth enjoying. The album comes across as strong due to its intentionality. Nevertheless, this intentionality does not seem forced, or contrived, but instead cleverly crafted.
Some songs embrace womanhood and feminine diversity, such as "Woman," other songs explore the anxiety that one receives from the idea of intimacy, "Naked." Some aren't as thought-provoking and are made to only seduce or show one's desire to be seduced ("Need to Know" and "You Right").
Though there is no chance that Doja Cat will be seeing me at a concert any time soon nor paying any amount of money towards her empire, I must admit, with this album it is understandable why she is considered one of this year's guilty pleasure artists.
4.Lil Nas X

Lil Nas X
Rich Fury/Getty Images
Truth be told, I thought "Old Town Road" would be the first and last time we'd ever see Lil Nas X. Damn, I have never been happier to have been so wrong. At this point, I am elated that the world has not turned its backs on this beautifully, proudly open Black queer man. I am happy that the public is allowing his music to speak for itself and that Lil Nas X does not have to hide in a shadow of shame like so many queer Black men are forced to do in the music industry.
Every single released this year from Lil Nas showed that he has always been more than just some cheap gimmick, but an artist and businessman worth respecting. The visuals of his videos have been staggeringly artistic. His debut album Montero played with different genres and sounds, while the artist remained completely and unapologetically himself.
The album also reveals the loneliness that comes when one is a lone force to be reckoned with. It is catchy, yes, it is entertaining, but underneath all of the drums, the pop hooks, and melodious tunes, it is clear that happiness is a journey for the young artist. He is happy being himself, but with the price of that happiness, he seems to be sacrificing it everywhere else. Nevertheless, this year has been Lil Nas X's for the taking.
5.H.E.R.

H.E.R.
Rich Fury/Getty Images for dcp
Despite only being around for five years, it feels like there has never been a time without H.E.R. and her music. With her EP H.E.R. Volume 1 and compilation albums H.E.R. and I Used to Know Her, the artist made a name for herself amongst the public and the music industry. As if overnight, H.E.R. songs became known for their soulful flare, beautifully elegant arrangements, and powerful messages.
In 2021, she won a Grammy for Song of Year for the single "I Can't Breathe," a song about the anger, frustration, and pain of witnessing the death of another black innocent man, George Floyd. That same night, she won another for her moving ballad "Fight for You." Later this year, she followed up her wins with her first full-length album Back of My Mind. This album received acclaim for its maturity, ballads, and messages on success. Heavily leaning towards ballads, Back of My Mind is an R&B album that showcases H.E.R.'s vocal talents, but most importantly her songwriting skills.
By placing a contemporary spin onto the R&B genre, H.E.R. released an album that is as soulful as it is political, romantic, and unremorsefully honest.
6.Jazmine Sullivan

Jazmine Sullivan
Johnny Nunez/Getty Images for BET
It has always been my biggest grievance (and if you've read any of my other music reviews you'd see that I have not hidden it well) that the world does not give Jazmine Sullivan the recognition she has always been due. Despite being an artist since 2003, and known to many, she always seemed to be a best-kept secret in the industry. There were moments when she would go mainstream ("Bust the Windows Out Your Car" is what mainly comes to mind), but those moments were few and rare in between.
Luckily, this year, the world showed Jazmine Sullivan that it is better to show up late to the party than to never come at all. And instead of turning her back to those who are finally looking, Jazmine Sullivan has made it her mission to step out and give us a show.
With the exceptional, empowering EP Heaux Tales, Jazmine Sullivan discusses the themes of feminism, sexuality, classism, body-shaming and positivity, and other moving topics with interludes in between. The EP is art and her live renditions of the album's songs, especially "Pick Up Your Feelings," only highlight the show-stopping talent that Sullivan has always been.
During her well-deserved SoulTrain Award for Album of the Year acceptance speech, Jazmine Sullivan mentioned being "uncomfortable being seen," and that after some time, she made a "promise to [herself] to not hide anymore." And thank goodness for that because the music scene and the Black community are much better for such deserving representation.
7.The Weeknd

The Weeknd
Leon Bennett/WireImage
After his big showdown with the Recording Academy and lackluster halftime show at the Superbowl earlier this year, one expected The Weeknd to take some time off and focus on his artistry away from the public eye. However, this was not the case. Instead, every month, we found The Weeknd releasing something new. Whether it was a single that could, "Blinding Lights" dethroning "The Twist" for the all-time No. 1 Billboard single, or another collaboration with a fellow pop artist, Doja Cat or Post Malone, The Weekend managed to stay in the spotlight all of 2021. So much so, Apple Music named him the "Global Artist of the Year."
No longer known as the pop-synth guy, The Weeknd revealed himself as a true artist with his creation of After Hours. His ability to receive Grammy nominations, despite his boycott, shows just how truly an amazing artist the Weeknd is.
8.SZA

SZA
Phillip Faraone/Getty Images for REVOLT
SZA has been everywhere and, strangely, nowhere at all this year. Here, let me explain. With SZA's December release of "Good Days," it was inevitable that the single would climb the charts in the new year. After the release, SZA recorded live sessions from her home singing the single amongst others. In March, she released a video for "Good Days" and a month later "Kiss Me More," by Doja Cat featured the alt-R&B singer.
In later months, she would continue to release live performances, a mini fall tour, a single for Dear Evan Hansen's terribly acclaimed film, Summer Walker's "No Love," and another single titled "I Hate U." So, it's clear that SZA has been everywhere. Yet, in between all of these releases, she had managed to disappear from the limelight, for weeks to months at a time. So much so, that you would often have to go to her Twitter or Instagram profile to see what was going on with the singer.
Small clips of potential videos would be released, but when it came to the video--I'm looking at you, "Shirt"--and other projects, it all just felt like a tease. We know the work is out there, we can even see it. We just can't quite touch it. Still, I believe this "tease" is what has made SZA one of the artists of the year. She was never too much, always just enough.
She would release songs when the time was right and when it wasn't she would be off doing whatever she wanted while we shouted for another album. And honestly, despite desperately wanting that album, I find myself eager to wait because this year alone says it will be worth it. There are glimpses of her continuous indecisive behavior in her singles, that reflect the acclaimed CTRL. However, it is clear that the SZA that stands before us is one that is a little more whole than the one four years ago.
As if she's playing chess, SZA's ability to be in within and far out of one's reach this year, made it easily hers for the taking.
9.Tyler, the Creator

Tyler, the Creator
Derek White/WireImage
Who would have thought that the teenager eating cockroaches and singing about killing other artists to a demon in his head would, or even could, come so far?
Now, over the last ten years, Tyler, the Creator has released six albums, each one better than the formidable one before. Especially the newest release, Call Me If You Get Lost, which is the most cohesive and artistic album to date. Talking about the blessing and curse of growing up in the public eye, Call Me If You Get Lost takes us into the world of Tyler, the Creator under the guidance of DJ Drama. In this album, he confronts his success and the rollercoaster it has created. Tyler talks about love and its haunting. He talks about becoming wealthier and wiser, but in the end, the album seems a little more broken than before, but not unsalvageable.
The album is masterful, and in addition to his features this year, Tyler, the Creator himself is the same. He shows what beauty can be created when a person is given time to grow, instead of immediately calling for one's cancellation. He is more refined here, more mature, but he is still himself as audacious as ever.
Now, it's just a little more purposeful and controlled.
10.Cardi B

Cardi B
Amy Sussman/Getty Images
Cardi B hosted the American Music Awards. She recently earned her third diamond single certification with the song, "I Like It." She starred in Normani's heavily praised "Wild Side" video while pregnant. She set February on fire with "UP" single, video, and TikToks. She collaborated with Lizzo, gave inspiration to Summer Walker, and became one of the most lucrative female rappers in 2021.
Cardi took the year for her own in the early part of the year, had a baby, took a two-month break, and came back to dominate the fall.
Just like H.E.R. and Meg Thee Stallion, Cardi B made her career off being 100% authentic and cultivated her career in knowing just when to be so. She could have released a full-length album this year, and in the spirit of rappers, it is honestly surprising that Cardi hasn't released more albums between now and her first. Instead, this year we found Cardi stepping into the role of product promoter, host, collaborator, and businesswoman.
Due to her ability to put on multiple hats--and wear them nicely--Cardi has shown all audiences and fans alike why she will always be "up" and "stuck."
Featured image by Arturo Holmes/Getty Images for Whipshots
Your December 2025 Monthly Horoscopes Are All About Surrender & Alignment
December is about letting go. We end the year with the need for more peace, reflection, and rejuvenation, and that is exactly what December is providing for us. The Sun is in Sagittarius, and anything is possible. This is the month to believe in that and to know that the universe is supporting you. With a Supermoon in Gemini as we begin the month as well, we have an opportunity to gain the closure we have been looking for this year and to wrap up old projects, ideas, and communication breakthroughs.
This is the month to make your peace the priority and let go of trying to control the way the tides are turning. Trust in your new beginning, and give yourself time to prepare for it this month.
A big part of the clarity that is coming through this month is due to Neptune going direct in Pisces on December 10, after being retrograde here since July. With Neptune now direct, we are able to see our inspiration and creativity a little more clearly, providing the perfect energy for dreams and manifestation to be built upon. The smoke is clearing, and it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with this newfound clarity that this transit is bringing. Mercury also moves back into Sagittarius on December 11, which is great for communication and clarity, and the adventures you were trying to see through at the beginning of November come around for you again with greater purpose and support.
On December 15, Mars enters Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and this is the extra push we need to make important changes and to be on the path towards greater abundance, stability, and prosperity. Mars in Capricorn takes care of business, and we have extra energy at our disposal during this time to do so. This transit is an ideal time to focus on your career or financial goals for next year and to start putting some of these plans into motion now. A few days later, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be in Sagittarius on December 19, and this is the perfect New Moon to manifest.
The energy is high, magic is in the air, and it’s all about moving forward with the new beginnings that are inspiring you and bringing you joy to think about right now.
Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21, and this earth sign energy is how we heal, gain closure, and build new foundations in our world. With Venus also moving into a Capricorn a few days later, there is something about peace, prosperity, and security that we are gaining in life and in love as we close out the year, and this is what we need right now. This month is about reflecting on what was, letting go of old hurt, and renewing. December is an ending and a new beginning in one, and there is magic in this space to be created.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
With Mercury in your 2nd house of income this month, December is a good time to plant new seeds and to think about where you want to be financially a month from now or even a year. This month is asking you to think bigger and to think more long-term so that you can set the appropriate plans into motion now. We also have a New Moon in your house of income before the month ends, and this is when you will see more of your dreams come to fruition in this area of your life, and have more opportunities to build. Overall, December will be teaching you a lot, Scorpio.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
You're Over Him. Should You Wait Until After The Holidays To Say It?
When a client told me that she was seriously considering ending her relationship of 10 months before Christmas, I wasn’t surprised. That’s not a sneak diss on what she has going on with her man or anything; it’s just that I know that the holiday season (the month of December, more specifically) is a very popular time for folks to call things off. Between the pressure of bringing people around family and the urge to start off the new year with a clean slate — yeah, it makes sense.
At the same time, though, I do think that there is something to be said for ending things well — and when it comes to a break-up? During this time of the year? Before you make that official move, I just want to make sure that you’ve thought a few things through.
Things like what exactly? So glad that you asked.
How Serious Is the Relationship?
GiphyOkay, so if you’ve never heard of the “10-date rule” before, it’s basically the belief that after 10 consecutive dates with someone, it’s time to come to the conclusion that you are officially in a relationship with them. Personally, I have lived, observed and counseled enough people to say that when it comes to knowing where you stand with another person, you shouldn’t assume one damn thing — you should 1000 percent communicate your thoughts and listen to theirs in return.
That said, it is a bit different (wouldn’t you say?) if you’ve been out on a couple of dates with someone vs. if you’ve been with them for almost a year. So yeah, the first thing to ponder is how serious the dynamic is. Because honestly, if things are new and fairly casual, I don’t see how ending things, whether it’s the holiday season or not, is going to matter much — one way or another.
Remember, the holidays tend to be a very emotional time; however, if there isn’t a huge emotional investment going on, I don’t think anyone in a casual situation is going to look back and think that you are a villain (or Grinch), just because you’d prefer not to go on a third date with them. Good lord.
Next point.
Do You Want to Slow Down or End Things Entirely?
GiphyAre you totally over him or is it more like there are some things about the situation that you want to step back and ponder before making any major decisions about the future? If the answer is “B,” I recommend talking it over ASAP; especially if the two of you have been seeing each other for a while at this point. I say this because, whether you all are at the “meet the family” (or have already met the family) stage or not, when people are in a relationship, they tend to factor one another into their holiday plans — and it’s hella inconsiderate to not take this into account when it comes to the guy who you are seeing.
That said, I will say this: It’s mighty interesting that you are choosing this time of the year for this type of relational self-reflection — so, while you’re on this break, think about what it symbolizes.
For instance, are you slowing things down right now because you’re not sure if you want to go into a new year with him or are you doing it because spending the holidays together tends to represent that a relationship is far deeper than you want yours to be right now? Because really, you could’ve gone with the summertime (for example) not the holiday season to make this type of move…so, if your “pump the brakes” time is now, chances are, there is some subconscious subtext going on that you really should get to the root of.
Actual Holidays Are a DEFINITE No-No
GiphyYou would think that this wouldn’t need to be said yet since I once experienced a guy who decided to be a complete a*shole on my birthday some years back — yeah, let’s address it. Isn’t it interesting that one study revealed that during the first week of December, searches for how to break-up with someone go up by a whopping 60 percent? Then, if you add to that the fact that the holidays can sometimes be pretty stressful — well, while most folks with a heart and a conscience wouldn’t dream of breaking up with someone on an actual holiday, sometimes the pressure of everything can create the perfect storm for it to happen anyway.
That said, a super-duper throwback song by Neil Sedaka entitled, “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” — and it absolutely is. Know what makes it worse: It happening on a holiday, so that every time the day rolls around, it’s bittersweet because you remember that someone broke up with you then.
Listen, just because you may not love or even like someone (in that way) anymore, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t treat them with some common decency and respect. Besides, don’t you also want your own Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day to be as unscathed and drama-less as possible?
Whatever you’re gonna do, you’re grown, chile. If you want my advice, though — put good energy into your future holiday seasons and avoid breaking up (or even having deep decisions) on actual holidays.
Definitely Keep the Golden Rule in Mind
GiphyProbably, until the end of time, there are going to be debates about whether karma is real (in the sense of it being scientifically proven). While quite a bit of data says that it isn’t and that it tends to be adapted and promoted by certain faiths more than anything — if you do believe that you reap what you sow (Galatians 6:7-8), at the end of the day, that is pretty much what karma is all about and, as I oftentimes say, karma (or sowing and reaping) don’t have expiration dates. In other words, what you have said and done can manifest in ways and at times that you never saw coming. A cautionary tale, indeed.
So yeah — even if you’ve been with ole’ boy for a while now, you’ve tried to make it work and you just don’t see a future for the two of you anymore, however you decide to end it, definitely keep the golden rule of doing unto others as you would want them to do unto you in mind.
Be as kind as you are honest. Be as empathetic (putting yourself in his shoes) as much as you possibly can. Avoid gaslighting him about how he feels about your decision. Be clear about how you’d like things to be moving forward (for instance, if you actually DON’T want to be friends afterwards, there’s no need to say it). And try not to do anything that will make him feel used — like waiting until after receiving a Christmas gift to end it (you’d be amazed by how many people do exactly that. SMDH).
The thing about break-ups is, live long enough, and you’re probably going to be on the giving and receiving end of one. So, even if you’re not really emotionally invested in your relationship anymore, be kind to your future self and be as respectful as possible throughout your…relational transition. Because even if you don’t feel like he deserves it, your feelings up the road, with someone else who may do the same thing to you…absolutely do.
Timing Is Everything
GiphyA bishop by the name of Fulton J. Sheen once said, “Patience is power. Patience is not an absence of action; rather it is ‘timing’ it waits on the right time to act, for the right principles and in the right way.” And while it might seem really challenging to figure out when the RIGHT time to break up with someone is — “right” is about using good judgment, right is about conforming to certain principles (like integrity and fairness), right is about doing things in order. Now with that in mind, is the RIGHT TIMING now or should it be later?
Only you can really answer that yet what I will say is if your mind, body and spirit aren’t on the same page — figure out why before making any moves. Oh, and if it’s simply about fear — girl, whether it’s November 30, December 9 or January 14…break-ups are always going to be uncomfortable. It’s about knowing what’s best for you and then ending things in a way that is as respectful, timing-wise, as possible (again, due to the whole karma thing).
____
‘Tis the season and sometimes “out with the old” means leaving a relationship behind. Just make sure that you move with wisdom and discernment and not hypersensitivity and knee-jerking.
That way, you can look back on every holiday season with as little regret as possible.
Due to how you handled things. Including a (potential) break-up.
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