I have had quite a few disappointing birthdays over the years. Every time I planned a dinner or a get-together, I always seemed to be let down. Something unexpected would always happen that had me feeling some type of way. Friends canceled after they R.S.V.P.'d or there were arguments over the restaurant bill. I was even kicked out of my 23rd birthday party because one of my girlfriends' guests lacked V.I.P. etiquette at our joint birthday party. I just didn't feel seen or celebrated by the group of people I chose to be my friends at that time. To be fair though, in your twenties, what do you really know about true friendship? But still, I knew I deserved so much more.
After a while, my birthday became a day I didn't look forward to. I used fear of getting hurt or being disappointed as a guard. Honestly, I didn't start enjoying birthdays until my 27th birthday. I was in a new city, with a new group of friends, who made me feel more seen and appreciated than some of my lifelong friends I currently have. It wasn't until my 33rd birthday I decided to spend my birthday alone.
Celebrating my birthday alone was the most uncomfortable yet empowering thing I had ever done. Why didn't I think of doing this sooner? Now, every year I typically spend my birthday alone. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of my friends–I do. But over the years, I learned to enjoy my own company. I know that I could never let myself down. I know that I would not give myself less than I deserve. And sometimes, in the end, you have to be your own best friend. Word to Beyoncé, y'all. Sometimes, "me, myself, and I" win.
Here are a few things you can do on your birthday alone.
Write Yourself A Love Letter
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Writing yourself a love letter is the ultimate form of self-intimacy and self-love. What better way to celebrate your birthday than to shower yourself with words of affirmation? I started this ritual a year ago. And I will continue to practice this ritual on every single birthday. There is something about using words to embrace the woman you are. We as women don't do this enough, we don't give ourselves enough credit for everything that we are. It's time we pay attention to how we speak to ourselves.
On this birthday, be gentle with yourself. Write about your qualities, flaws, and accomplishments. Make yourself a few promises because you know you will never break your own heart. Remember, pen to paper always wins.
Buy Yourself Flowers
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You deserve flowers at all times. Don't wait for a guy or a friend to give you flowers. Especially on your birthday. Head to your local florist and create your own bouquet. Did you know certain types of flowers can enhance your energy? Carnations symbolize commitment while Freesias exudes positive energy to everyone around it. Pay attention to colors – red symbolizes power, life, and vitality. Yellow builds self-confidence and encourages optimism. Green represents tranquility and helps you stay grounded.
Treat Yourself To A Fancy Brunch Or Dinner
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Like Drake said, "Oh, you fancy huh. Nails did, hair did, everything did." Reserve a table for one at your favorite restaurant or at the new trendy restaurant you have been dying to go to. You don't always need a group of friends to make you feel special on your birthday. You control your feelings. And making yourself feel special is your power. So, get your face beat, put on that outfit, throw on those heels, and pull up to that restaurant with C-O-N-F-I-D-E-N-C-E. Don't give two fucks about the people staring at you just because you're sitting alone. They are probably admiring you anyways queen.
And if you'd prefer to do a quarantine-friendly version of this, prepare yourself a decadent meal or order in from one of your favorite restaurants. Treat yourself to a slice of luxury in the comforts of home.
Spend Your Day At A Day Spa
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Go ahead girl, and pamper yourself at a day spa. I mean, is there a better way to spend your birthday than getting your glow on? A fresh facial or clean skin just gives me all the feels. Book yourself a facial, massage, body treatment, manicure, or pedicure. If a day spa isn't your thing, try a Korean bathhouse or a Russian-Turkish bath. You can relax in different types of saunas, steam rooms, salt rooms, or aromatherapy rooms. Bathhouses offer all types of amenities and services for the ultimate day of self-care.
Wine Tasting
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Who doesn't love a good bottle of wine? Spend your special day in a beautiful vineyard and let your palate explore rich flavorful wines. While I have not done this for my own birthday, I did do a wine tasting safari at Malibu Wines by myself. I spent the day at this famous family-owned winery known for its scenery. I enjoyed picturesque views, feeding farm animals, and meeting new people. Of course, I enjoyed the wine, but I was in awe of the fact that someone owned 1,000 acres of land.
Travel
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Solo travel is life. Get you some sexy bikinis and take that solo birthday trip. Remember you are BAE. I took my first international solo trip for my 33rd birthday to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Mexico was a whole mood. It was tacos, tequila shots, and sunsets. On the eve of my birthday, I ordered room service; crème brûleé with a glass of Moscato. Just before midnight, room service delivered my decadent dessert. I brought in my birthday in the comfort of my hotel room bed.
On my 35th birthday, I flew solo to Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico was even better than Mexico. I met up with a girl I connected with over a xoNecole Instagram post about solo travel. We slid in each other's DMs. And on the day of my arrival in Puerto Rico, homegirl scooped me up from the airport. She then connected me with another girl who had the same birthday as mine.
Coincidentally, this same girl was also staying in the same boutique hotel as me, The Dreamcatcher. This had to be a universal sign because from that point forward it was rooftop dinners, champagne bottles, salsa dancing, and island hopping. We even went for a night swim in the ocean butt naked. It was Sagittarius season, and we were lit AF. Oh, and for my 36th birthday, I commemorated my first solo trip by returning to Mexico.
So, on your birthday, celebrate yourself, QUEEN. You are BAE. You are the most important person on your born day. This is a celebration of your life. It's your day to shine even brighter. Don't let anyone even attempt to dim or steal your light. No one will love you more than you do. No one will treat you better than you do.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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