While there is certainly no way around the fact that sexless marriages and even intimacy anorexia are very real issues in long-term relationships, if your sex life is in a lull these days, before jumping to those kinds of conclusions, it could simply be that you and yours are in a bit of a rut. Don't worry. It's something that is pretty common among most couples because, as with all things in life, sex has its peaks and its valleys. The key is not to get comfortable with things remaining in a blah or ho-hum state because, if you do, it could result in you staying there, becoming totally dissatisfied—and that could create a domino effect of other problems between you and yours.
The interesting things about ruts is, even though it's pretty easy to detect when you're in one, sometimes you need some assistance when it comes to pulling yourself out. If you just read that sentence and was like, "Yes. Exactly", I've got some of the leading causes of sex ruts, along with a few suggestions on how to get out of 'em.
SEX RUT PROBLEM #1: You Don’t Make Time for Sex
Whenever I'm in a session with a married couple and they tell me that they don't have time for sex, my right eyebrow immediately goes up. For some reason, that still doesn't prepare them for the question that I then ask them—"So, did you get on social media today?" About 8 times out of 10, the response is "yes", so I follow that up with, "Then, you had time to have sex today."
Did y'all know that most of us spend, on average, 144 minutes each day, just on our social media accounts alone? Hmph. When you take time to ponder that men only need five minutes to climax and we need around 20-25…if there's time for Black Twitter and IG Lives, there is certainly time for orgasms (check out "10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex"). A few orgasms, when you really stop to think about it.
I'm telling you, if there's one thing that sex has the ability to do, it's test the old saying that it's not about having time, it's about making time for what matters. If your sex life is truly important to you, you will sho 'nuf make the time to partake. The question is…is it?
SOLUTION: Aside from the real number that rom-coms have done on a lot of people when it comes to how they think relationships and even romance should always be, I really don't get what the big deal is about scheduling sex. Just because you have a set time to do it, that doesn't mean that it has to always be done the same way, feel me?
What a schedule is designed to do is prioritize your life. That said, if you want to have a healthy relationship, sex should definitely be a top priority.
So yeah, if you're currently having a difficult time "fitting sex in", putting it on your Google calendar could help—'cause isn't it better to have scheduled sex than none at all?
SEX RUT PROBLEM #2: You’d Honestly Rather Do Anything but…Doing It
Back in the day, there was someone in my life who used to say (pretty much all of the time) that she would rather have a hot fudge sundae over sex any day. Years later, I ran into her and she was going on and on about how good the sex she was currently having was. When I asked her about the sundae, she looked at me and said, "Girl, please. Not unless that sundae is in the bed with us." The moral to that lil' story is that if you're in a sex rut and it's because there are 10 other things that you'd rather be doing than "the do", I doubt that has to do with the other activities; sounds more to me like that has to do with the quality of sex (or the lack thereof) that you're getting or how you're feeling about your partner at the time. Anyone who's had some really good coitus before knows that the pleasure is so profound that it's pretty close to being incomparable and indescribable. If you know all of this and you'd still rather binge-watch a television series or go shopping, something tells me that it's been a while since you've "been to the mountaintop"…if you've been there at all.
SOLUTION: I'm a big fan of sex journaling; it's a great way to reflect on the likes and dislikes of your sex life—past and present. If you'd seriously rather wash your hair or do your nails than get it on and in with your partner, take out an hour or two to write down why. It can help you to figure out what's missing so that you can get back to having the kind of sex that you would pretty much push anything to the side in order to have it.
SEX RUT PROBLEM #3: No Foreplay Is Totally Fine with You
I know some people—including women—who don't feel like it should "take all of that" in order to have a great sex session. Noted. But foreplay isn't just about "warming up the engine" so to speak. It's also about enjoying your partner and connecting with them on an intimate level outside of actual and literal intercourse. Whenever a person—especially a woman since it typically takes us longer to "get there"—tells me that they would rather pass on foreplay (and afterplay, for that matter) and get right to it, oftentimes what that means is, "Yeah…I really want to get this over with as soon as possible"; if that's the sentiment, that's a problem. Why do you want to rush sex if you care about your partner and you enjoy being with them? Those are not rhetorical questions, by the way. Matter of fact, if you answer them, you just might get down to the root cause of why foreplay isn't all that big of a deal to you. Because, in my honest and humble opinion, it really should be.
SOLUTION: Foreplay, in the simplest terms, is a prelude to intercourse. It's the build up to the climax. That's essential to keep in mind because climaxes rely on build-ups. In other words, the greater (and even longer) the prelude, the more intense and mind-blowing the climax/orgasm can be. That's why, I fully believe that, if you don't make time for foreplay, you could be missing out on some of the best sex of your life. If you're still over there like "meh", at least take out a few moments to check out articles like, "These 10 Foreplay Hacks Can Take Your Sex Game To Another Level" and even "Ashley Graham & Her Husband Say Prayer Is The Ultimate Form Of Foreplay"; they might just encourage you to give foreplay more of a shot. Also, if the real reason why you don't want to engage is because you want to get sex over with as fast as possible, consider getting into couple's therapy. If this is indeed the case, there's a pretty good chance that it has less to do with the sex and more to do with some dysfunction in your relationship overall.
SEX RUT PROBLEM #4: You and Your Partner Don’t Discuss Sex—at All
Sex is a form of communication. That's why, I am a firm believer that it is a barometer for how a relationship is going. What I mean by that is, if two people are mentally and emotionally connected, it tends to reveal itself in their sex life. Not only that but if you've been reading any of my stuff on here long enough, you know that I dig the Bible, BIG TIME. Well, the first documented sexual instruction given was for a husband and wife to be "naked and not ashamed" (Genesis 2:24-25). That's why I don't get how two people—especially two people who've seen each other naked before—can be uncomfortable about discussing sex; not in general (like with their friends or whatever) but with each other. I've had some spouses tell me that they are uncomfortable talking about their sexual needs, wants or expectations before. Meanwhile, I'm like 1) if you want to get the kind of sex that you desire, how is your partner supposed to help you out if you don't talk about it?, and 2) you're sharing your entire life with someone, why are you self-conscious about sharing your innermost sexual thoughts? A wise person once said that things don't change until we change them. If your sex rut is because there are crickets on the sexual communication tip, things aren't going to be any different until/unless you decide to speak up.
SOLUTION: If you're uncomfortable discussing sex with your partner because you're self-conscious about doing so, I'm certainly not going to make you feel even more self-conscious about it. What I will recommend is you consider approaching the topic in the form of a game. I recently checked out the article, "25 Naughty Games To Play With Your Partner When You're Bored" that offered some lighthearted approaches to copulation so that, when you do bring the topic up, things won't feel so…awkward.
SEX RUT PROBLEM #5: The Entire Act Is Extremely Predictable
I definitely think that one of the biggest causes of sex ruts is predictable sex. Predictable means "able to be foretold or declared in advance". What I like to equate this to is lazy sex. Still, I can rationalize how it can get to this point and place. When you've been with someone for a while—and you each care about getting one another off—you start to figure out what works and what doesn't. Before long, it can be really easy to gravitate towards the things that you automatically know will work so that everyone can cum and call it a day.
The problem with that is, after a while, predictable sex can get really old, really fast. You know what's coming (no pun intended) and so you find yourself just going through the motions. Even if you do climax, it's more like an automatic physical reaction rather than a heartfelt genuine response.
Yeah, predictable sex might scratch an itch, but it doesn't really get the full job done, if you know what I mean.
SOLUTION: Fantasies. Fantasies are good and everybody has them. One way to get out of the sex rut of total and utter predictableness is to create a sex bucket list with your partner. Then make the mutual commitment to knock off at least one thing on your list a month. Then put a couple of extra bucks into your sex jar (because you do have one, right?) whenever you do. It's a simple way to break out of the calculated copulation hamster wheel that you and your partner have been in all of this time while creating an incentive for doing so along the way.
SEX RUT PROBLEM #6: “Bored” Pretty Much Sums Up How You Feel (Right Now)
While on the surface, it might seem like predictable sex and being bored in the bedroom go hand in hand, I'm going to offer some pushback on that. Boredom is about being weary. Oftentimes, when someone is bored with their sex life, they are weary about their relationship overall. What are some signs that you are indeed mentally and physically exhausted, impatient with or dissatisfied by your partner? For starters, you aren't as attentive to the relationship as you used to be. Some other factors are you nitpick, you find excuses to avoid spending quality time with them, you complain more and more to others about the relationship, you aren't invested in their needs and wants and, you find ways to even gaslight or sabotage your situation. If any of this is going on, it's no wonder that you aren't "thrilled" at the thought of rolling around in the bed—or anywhere else—with your partner. It's also a sign that your relationship is in serious trouble and trying to fix it with sex ain't gonna cut it.
SOLUTION: There are people who try and convince me that a lack of sex in a long-term relationship isn't a big deal. If I can bring the Bible back into this, even Scripture says that it is (check out I Corinthians 7:1-5). If there's one thing that should set your romantic relationship apart from every other relationship that you have, sex should top the list, so yeah—so long as both of you are physically capable, you should definitely be having it. If you aren't, then it's time to get back to the basics of why the two of you came together in the first place. Go on dates. Share the things that you like and love about one another. Become fluent (again) in one another's love languages. Sometimes, being sexually disconnected (or bored) is an indication that the relationship needs some extra attention. Once the foundation (the relationship) is tended to, it's easier for everything else (including sex) to fall (back) into place.
SEX RUT PROBLEM #7: Your Partner Can Relate to at Least Two of These Points as Well
It's my personal opinion that, one of the biggest causes of sexual breakdowns in long-term couples, is ego. Pure ego. It can manifest all sorts of ways too. You might think that if there is a sexual "problem" in the relationship, it's all about your partner because you are the total bomb in bed. You might be worried that if you state your needs, your partner might want you to switch up some things too. You never ask your partner if they are sexually satisfied because you are more concerned about whether their response will hurt your feelings than if they are happy. I could go on and on. But if you want to get out of the sexual rut that you're in, you're not going to be able to do it alone; your partner is going to have to assist and support along the way. So yeah, if you can relate to even a couple of the things that I just shared and you're ready for things to get better, putting your ego aside, getting your partner in on the conversation and being open to what they have to say is necessary. Very much so.
SOLUTION: Create a date night at home. Make sure it's a romantic setting (so that they won't automatically go on the defensive). Then ask your partner how they feel about the current state of your sex life. Be intentional about making it a judge-free zone while remembering that the ultimate goal is to make things better. The mere fact that you and your partner are discussing each other's need to improve what goes on in the bedroom is a HUGE STEP towards getting out of the rut that you're in. Clear, open, honest and loving dialogue (almost) always is.
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9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
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Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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When I resolved to walk away from my 13-year relationship, admittedly, I wasn’t thinking about dating at all. My ex was a good man. He was kind, he was cool, but I knew he wasn’t my man. God knew that, too, even before I did.
We had reached a fork in the road: I was growing deeper in my faith, wanting to center God in every part of my life, including my purpose. He was walking a different path, and we were no longer aligned. Turns out, you can spend 13 years with someone and still be emotionally malnourished.
As our relationship came to its end, I learned that longevity isn’t proof of alignment. I learned that a man being “good” isn’t enough. A man can be kind but not called to walk beside you in your purpose. That being unclear about your values will always cost you time.
And delaying your desires in the name of comfort? That’ll cost you even more. I knew I never wanted to make that mistake again.
Still, even knowing it was right to let him go, walking away felt like mourning a death. I dated casually after that: flings and situationships here and there. But they took more than they gave. I was left depleted more than fulfilled, so I made a conscious decision to stop dating altogether.
Around the same time, my mother was diagnosed with a brain injury that left her unable to form short-term memories. My sister and I became her caregivers along with my dad. But just as I got her stabilized, my father was diagnosed with blood cancer. At one point, he was bedridden.
So no, I wasn’t thinking about love. I was thinking about survival.
For two years, I didn’t give out my number. Didn’t go on a single date. I was tired, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. But not just from dating. From everything.
Those two years weren’t about fear, they were about focus. I was caregiving, grieving, and building a startup from the ground up. I had nothing left to give romantically. So when my birthday came around in September 2023, I knew I needed stillness to replenish what I had lost.
I went to Joshua Tree alone, I booked a tiny home in the middle of the desert, and I told myself: “I’m going to be still.” For five days, I read, prayed, fasted, and listened to jazz and classical music. No distractions.
Courtesy of Shirley Vernae
On the drive back to LAX, it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I couldn’t unsee it: I had invested in every other area of my life, except my love life. I realized then that my love life deserved a strategy, too.
So, I did what I always do when I want to grow in an area: I found someone wiser. I found an expert who could guide me in the form of a dating coach, and I hired him. Because love is too sacred to leave to chance. And I was finally ready to build it on purpose.
To some, hiring a dating coach might’ve looked like desperation. But desperation doesn’t look like pausing for two years, it looks like settling for crumbs and calling it a meal. You’ll mistake attention for affection, and chaos for chemistry. Desperation doesn’t discern. It just consumes.
That wasn’t me. Not only was I not desperate, but I was a little too comfortable being single.
I didn’t invest $10K+ in a dating coach because I was desperate. I invested because I was done repeating old patterns. Strategy is getting honest about your desire and then building a pathway toward it with clarity, with guidance, and with God.
I had invested in every other area of my life, my business, my health, and my growth. Why would my love life be the one place I left to chance?
So no, I wasn’t desperate. I was ready. Ready to stop guessing. Ready to stop wasting time. Ready to become the kind of woman who could receive the kind of love I prayed for.
But before I could become her, I had to face the parts of me still holding on to old beliefs.
When I walked away from that relationship and got into therapy, everything shifted. My therapist helped me unpack my wounds, my conditioning, and the patterns I couldn’t see on my own. And when the fog cleared, I was 100% sure: God had given me this desire. And I was not going to let doubt, distraction, or misalignment steal it from me.
This wasn’t just about having a plan, it was about being in divine alignment.
Between 2023 and now, I’ve invested close to $12,000 in coaching. I joined Anwar White’s Get Your Guy program in October 2023. The program was $7,500 over six months—that’s $1,250 a month, less than some people spend on luxury items they’ll outgrow. And for me? It made perfect sense.
After starting the program, I met my now-husband that December. We became official in spring 2024, and he proposed in January 2025.
But the real shift wasn’t him. It was me. I no longer chased anything—not men, not clients, not friendships. I stopped striving and started trusting. I started existing, and I let what was aligned come to me.
And when he came, he came steady. Consistent. Intentional. Reliable. Joyful. He was deeply committed to my happiness before anything else. He doesn’t move unless it’s with care for my heart.
With him, there is no performance. No eggshells. No pressure. Just alignment.
We walk together, in purpose. I now have a partner who is in service to me, not in competition with me. A partner who lightens my load. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. He helps me think. Helps me build. Helps me breathe. He makes my life easier, and that is something I had never experienced before.
I still reinvest in my love life by continuing to work with Anwar. His programs have taken me from dating, to courting, to exclusivity, to engaged, and now to being married. Because each of those phases required a new version of me. Because I had never been here before.
@shirleyvernae I hadn’t been on a single date in 2 years. Met my fiancé last year and got engaged 2 months ago. You’re the CEO of your love life. It’s time to act like it ❤️ # CEO ##Fiancé##Engaged##Relationships##Dating##Engagement
Through Anwar’s program, I was gifted the most pivotal mindset shift of them all:
That love doesn’t have to feel like a struggle. And that’s my new standard.
One of the most powerful things Anwar said to me was, “You can’t do the wrong thing to the right guy.” And that truth set me free.
Before working with him, I thought love had to be proved. Performed. Earned. I thought I had to be perfect. Healed. Small enough to fit into someone else’s version of love. But that was never true.
There are men who are devoted to creating ease in your life. Men who see your softness as strength and your boundaries as beauty.
My now-husband, Ty, is one of them. He is steady. He is consistent. And no matter how much I struggled, no matter how I tried to self-sabotage, he stayed anchored in one mission: to bring ease, to bring peace, to bring safety.
So the shift? I stopped performing. I started discerning. I raised my standards. I stopped doubting. And I let myself be held.
Yeah, the biggest shift was realizing I am worthy of love that doesn’t come with chaos. Love that’s safe. Love that’s solid. Love that’s soft.
That’s what happens when you stop settling and start showing up with faith, clarity, and strategy. That’s what happens when you become the CEO of your love life.
Being the CEO of my love life meant I stopped outsourcing it to luck, fate, or vibes. I no longer left it up to chance or timing, or wishful thinking. Just like I build businesses with vision, strategy, and intentional partnerships, I built a love life that reflects those same values.
A good CEO doesn’t try to do it all alone. A good CEO casts vision, brings the right experts to the table, delegates with wisdom, and trusts the process. That’s exactly how I approached love. I partnered with God. I partnered with mentors. I aligned my actions with my desires. That’s not control, that’s stewardship. And that’s what changed everything.
I knew sharing my journey online was going to stir something up. And it did. Some people were inspired. Some were uncomfortable. But their discomfort wasn’t about me. It was about what my story confronted in them: scarcity, shame, old beliefs about what’s “worth it” and what’s not.
And I’m okay with that. I’m not here to be liked. I’m here to be aligned. That’s my assignment.
To the woman who’s feeling discouraged, let me say this: Time is a tool, don’t let it become your tormentor. You are not late. You are not behind. You are not disqualified. Your desire for love is not shameful, it’s sacred.
Don’t let what society says, what the media projects, or what a non-believer has spoken over you define what’s possible. The only thing that’s true is what God has said. And God has said, “All things are possible to him that believes.”
If you’re feeling stuck, let that be your invitation to do something different. You don’t have to do this alone. Ask for help. Get support. Find a coach, a mentor, a couple you admire—not the shiny ones on social media, but the ones who’ve walked through fire and still chose each other.
Date with intention. Choose love on purpose. Marriage is a gift from God, and it is never too late to receive it. There is strength in being seen, supported, and walking in purpose together.
And for my Black women especially, softness is your superpower. Discernment is your birthright. You are the prizeand the picker. Dating with intention isn’t about being aggressive, it’s about being aligned.
We are not desperate. We are divine. Even in your healing, even in your becoming, know this: you can never do the wrong thing to the right guy.
And the right guy? He’ll meet you right there: in your wholeness, and in your work-in-progress.
To keep up with Shirley Vernae Williams and her journey as a storyteller, producer, and love life CEO, follow her on Instagram @shirleyvernae and learn more about her work at williebstudios.com.
Featured image courtesy of Shirley Vernae