While there is certainly no way around the fact that sexless marriages and even intimacy anorexia are very real issues in long-term relationships, if your sex life is in a lull these days, before jumping to those kinds of conclusions, it could simply be that you and yours are in a bit of a rut. Don't worry. It's something that is pretty common among most couples because, as with all things in life, sex has its peaks and its valleys. The key is not to get comfortable with things remaining in a blah or ho-hum state because, if you do, it could result in you staying there, becoming totally dissatisfied—and that could create a domino effect of other problems between you and yours.
The interesting things about ruts is, even though it's pretty easy to detect when you're in one, sometimes you need some assistance when it comes to pulling yourself out. If you just read that sentence and was like, "Yes. Exactly", I've got some of the leading causes of sex ruts, along with a few suggestions on how to get out of 'em.
SEX RUT PROBLEM #1: You Don’t Make Time for Sex
Whenever I'm in a session with a married couple and they tell me that they don't have time for sex, my right eyebrow immediately goes up. For some reason, that still doesn't prepare them for the question that I then ask them—"So, did you get on social media today?" About 8 times out of 10, the response is "yes", so I follow that up with, "Then, you had time to have sex today."
Did y'all know that most of us spend, on average, 144 minutes each day, just on our social media accounts alone? Hmph. When you take time to ponder that men only need five minutes to climax and we need around 20-25…if there's time for Black Twitter and IG Lives, there is certainly time for orgasms (check out "10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex"). A few orgasms, when you really stop to think about it.
I'm telling you, if there's one thing that sex has the ability to do, it's test the old saying that it's not about having time, it's about making time for what matters. If your sex life is truly important to you, you will sho 'nuf make the time to partake. The question is…is it?
SOLUTION: Aside from the real number that rom-coms have done on a lot of people when it comes to how they think relationships and even romance should always be, I really don't get what the big deal is about scheduling sex. Just because you have a set time to do it, that doesn't mean that it has to always be done the same way, feel me?
What a schedule is designed to do is prioritize your life. That said, if you want to have a healthy relationship, sex should definitely be a top priority.
So yeah, if you're currently having a difficult time "fitting sex in", putting it on your Google calendar could help—'cause isn't it better to have scheduled sex than none at all?
SEX RUT PROBLEM #2: You’d Honestly Rather Do Anything but…Doing It
Back in the day, there was someone in my life who used to say (pretty much all of the time) that she would rather have a hot fudge sundae over sex any day. Years later, I ran into her and she was going on and on about how good the sex she was currently having was. When I asked her about the sundae, she looked at me and said, "Girl, please. Not unless that sundae is in the bed with us." The moral to that lil' story is that if you're in a sex rut and it's because there are 10 other things that you'd rather be doing than "the do", I doubt that has to do with the other activities; sounds more to me like that has to do with the quality of sex (or the lack thereof) that you're getting or how you're feeling about your partner at the time. Anyone who's had some really good coitus before knows that the pleasure is so profound that it's pretty close to being incomparable and indescribable. If you know all of this and you'd still rather binge-watch a television series or go shopping, something tells me that it's been a while since you've "been to the mountaintop"…if you've been there at all.
SOLUTION: I'm a big fan of sex journaling; it's a great way to reflect on the likes and dislikes of your sex life—past and present. If you'd seriously rather wash your hair or do your nails than get it on and in with your partner, take out an hour or two to write down why. It can help you to figure out what's missing so that you can get back to having the kind of sex that you would pretty much push anything to the side in order to have it.
SEX RUT PROBLEM #3: No Foreplay Is Totally Fine with You
I know some people—including women—who don't feel like it should "take all of that" in order to have a great sex session. Noted. But foreplay isn't just about "warming up the engine" so to speak. It's also about enjoying your partner and connecting with them on an intimate level outside of actual and literal intercourse. Whenever a person—especially a woman since it typically takes us longer to "get there"—tells me that they would rather pass on foreplay (and afterplay, for that matter) and get right to it, oftentimes what that means is, "Yeah…I really want to get this over with as soon as possible"; if that's the sentiment, that's a problem. Why do you want to rush sex if you care about your partner and you enjoy being with them? Those are not rhetorical questions, by the way. Matter of fact, if you answer them, you just might get down to the root cause of why foreplay isn't all that big of a deal to you. Because, in my honest and humble opinion, it really should be.
SOLUTION: Foreplay, in the simplest terms, is a prelude to intercourse. It's the build up to the climax. That's essential to keep in mind because climaxes rely on build-ups. In other words, the greater (and even longer) the prelude, the more intense and mind-blowing the climax/orgasm can be. That's why, I fully believe that, if you don't make time for foreplay, you could be missing out on some of the best sex of your life. If you're still over there like "meh", at least take out a few moments to check out articles like, "These 10 Foreplay Hacks Can Take Your Sex Game To Another Level" and even "Ashley Graham & Her Husband Say Prayer Is The Ultimate Form Of Foreplay"; they might just encourage you to give foreplay more of a shot. Also, if the real reason why you don't want to engage is because you want to get sex over with as fast as possible, consider getting into couple's therapy. If this is indeed the case, there's a pretty good chance that it has less to do with the sex and more to do with some dysfunction in your relationship overall.
SEX RUT PROBLEM #4: You and Your Partner Don’t Discuss Sex—at All
Sex is a form of communication. That's why, I am a firm believer that it is a barometer for how a relationship is going. What I mean by that is, if two people are mentally and emotionally connected, it tends to reveal itself in their sex life. Not only that but if you've been reading any of my stuff on here long enough, you know that I dig the Bible, BIG TIME. Well, the first documented sexual instruction given was for a husband and wife to be "naked and not ashamed" (Genesis 2:24-25). That's why I don't get how two people—especially two people who've seen each other naked before—can be uncomfortable about discussing sex; not in general (like with their friends or whatever) but with each other. I've had some spouses tell me that they are uncomfortable talking about their sexual needs, wants or expectations before. Meanwhile, I'm like 1) if you want to get the kind of sex that you desire, how is your partner supposed to help you out if you don't talk about it?, and 2) you're sharing your entire life with someone, why are you self-conscious about sharing your innermost sexual thoughts? A wise person once said that things don't change until we change them. If your sex rut is because there are crickets on the sexual communication tip, things aren't going to be any different until/unless you decide to speak up.
SOLUTION: If you're uncomfortable discussing sex with your partner because you're self-conscious about doing so, I'm certainly not going to make you feel even more self-conscious about it. What I will recommend is you consider approaching the topic in the form of a game. I recently checked out the article, "25 Naughty Games To Play With Your Partner When You're Bored" that offered some lighthearted approaches to copulation so that, when you do bring the topic up, things won't feel so…awkward.
SEX RUT PROBLEM #5: The Entire Act Is Extremely Predictable
I definitely think that one of the biggest causes of sex ruts is predictable sex. Predictable means "able to be foretold or declared in advance". What I like to equate this to is lazy sex. Still, I can rationalize how it can get to this point and place. When you've been with someone for a while—and you each care about getting one another off—you start to figure out what works and what doesn't. Before long, it can be really easy to gravitate towards the things that you automatically know will work so that everyone can cum and call it a day.
The problem with that is, after a while, predictable sex can get really old, really fast. You know what's coming (no pun intended) and so you find yourself just going through the motions. Even if you do climax, it's more like an automatic physical reaction rather than a heartfelt genuine response.
Yeah, predictable sex might scratch an itch, but it doesn't really get the full job done, if you know what I mean.
SOLUTION: Fantasies. Fantasies are good and everybody has them. One way to get out of the sex rut of total and utter predictableness is to create a sex bucket list with your partner. Then make the mutual commitment to knock off at least one thing on your list a month. Then put a couple of extra bucks into your sex jar (because you do have one, right?) whenever you do. It's a simple way to break out of the calculated copulation hamster wheel that you and your partner have been in all of this time while creating an incentive for doing so along the way.
SEX RUT PROBLEM #6: “Bored” Pretty Much Sums Up How You Feel (Right Now)
While on the surface, it might seem like predictable sex and being bored in the bedroom go hand in hand, I'm going to offer some pushback on that. Boredom is about being weary. Oftentimes, when someone is bored with their sex life, they are weary about their relationship overall. What are some signs that you are indeed mentally and physically exhausted, impatient with or dissatisfied by your partner? For starters, you aren't as attentive to the relationship as you used to be. Some other factors are you nitpick, you find excuses to avoid spending quality time with them, you complain more and more to others about the relationship, you aren't invested in their needs and wants and, you find ways to even gaslight or sabotage your situation. If any of this is going on, it's no wonder that you aren't "thrilled" at the thought of rolling around in the bed—or anywhere else—with your partner. It's also a sign that your relationship is in serious trouble and trying to fix it with sex ain't gonna cut it.
SOLUTION: There are people who try and convince me that a lack of sex in a long-term relationship isn't a big deal. If I can bring the Bible back into this, even Scripture says that it is (check out I Corinthians 7:1-5). If there's one thing that should set your romantic relationship apart from every other relationship that you have, sex should top the list, so yeah—so long as both of you are physically capable, you should definitely be having it. If you aren't, then it's time to get back to the basics of why the two of you came together in the first place. Go on dates. Share the things that you like and love about one another. Become fluent (again) in one another's love languages. Sometimes, being sexually disconnected (or bored) is an indication that the relationship needs some extra attention. Once the foundation (the relationship) is tended to, it's easier for everything else (including sex) to fall (back) into place.
SEX RUT PROBLEM #7: Your Partner Can Relate to at Least Two of These Points as Well
It's my personal opinion that, one of the biggest causes of sexual breakdowns in long-term couples, is ego. Pure ego. It can manifest all sorts of ways too. You might think that if there is a sexual "problem" in the relationship, it's all about your partner because you are the total bomb in bed. You might be worried that if you state your needs, your partner might want you to switch up some things too. You never ask your partner if they are sexually satisfied because you are more concerned about whether their response will hurt your feelings than if they are happy. I could go on and on. But if you want to get out of the sexual rut that you're in, you're not going to be able to do it alone; your partner is going to have to assist and support along the way. So yeah, if you can relate to even a couple of the things that I just shared and you're ready for things to get better, putting your ego aside, getting your partner in on the conversation and being open to what they have to say is necessary. Very much so.
SOLUTION: Create a date night at home. Make sure it's a romantic setting (so that they won't automatically go on the defensive). Then ask your partner how they feel about the current state of your sex life. Be intentional about making it a judge-free zone while remembering that the ultimate goal is to make things better. The mere fact that you and your partner are discussing each other's need to improve what goes on in the bedroom is a HUGE STEP towards getting out of the rut that you're in. Clear, open, honest and loving dialogue (almost) always is.
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9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.
Could Your Home Decor Be Totally Wrecking Your Sex Life?
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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