Although I’m certainly not the biggest drinker on the planet, I have absolutely no problem enjoying a cocktail with dinner. I must admit though that, over the past couple of years or so, what I’ve actually preferred are mocktails — mostly because I like to see what different restaurants are able to come up with…and very rarely am I disappointed.
Plus, it doesn’t hurt that (based on the ingredients, of course) mocktails are oftentimes healthier, are less expensive and, if hangovers are something that you end up dealing with when it comes to consuming alcohol, that is nothing that you have to worry about when the drink is alcohol-free.
So, in honor of why mocktails are so wonderful, let’s kick off the fall season with some mocktails (including easy-to-follow recipes) that feature ingredients that are currently in season. And, as a bonus, how about I make sure that they are the kind of drinks that can really get your libido going — I mean, since this is the best time of year to get it in as much as possible?
And hey, if you don’t believe me, check out “Did You Know Fall & Winter Are The Best Times To Have Sex?” so that you can really get inspired to buy some new cocktail glasses for you and your boo.
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1. Fall Fig Fizz Mocktail
Did you know that a fig comes from a family that consists of inverted flowers that all grow in a pod? What this basically all boils down to is, that whenever you eat one, you are basically enjoying multiple fruits all at the same time. I think it’s also important to mention that figs, dates, and prunes are not the same thing; each has its own distinct qualities. That said, figs are good for you because they contain fiber to keep you regular, properties to lower your blood sugar levels, and even antioxidants that will help keep your skin healthy.
The reason why figs have a reputation for being a libido booster is because, when they are cut in half, some believe that they look a lot like a woman’s sex organs. If you add to that the fact that they are a good source of magnesium which can boost your sex drive and help to prevent erectile dysfunction, I thought that it would be fitting to start this off with a mocktail that has fall in the name.
Treat Yourself to the Recipe Here
2. Kiwi and Grape Mocktail
Kiwis and grapes are both considered to be fall fruits. As far as their health benefits go, let’s start with kiwi. Kiwi is good for you because it’s also a good source of fiber, as well as protein, vitamin C (it has a ton of that), vitamin K, and copper. On the health benefits tip, it’s good for your gut and heart, and, the vitamin C that’s in kiwi can help to keep your immunity strong.
Grapes, on the other hand, are also beneficial thanks to the fiber, protein, vitamin K, and copper that they contain. Aside from that, though, grapes can help to lower your blood pressure and cholesterol levels, they can fight off oxidative stress (thanks to all of the antioxidants that they have) and they can help to boost your brain health and memory as well as slow down the signs of aging while increasing longevity too.
And why would this mocktail help to get you in the mood? Well, for starters, kiwi is also a good source of vitamin E and that is a nutrient that helps widen your blood vessels so that you have better blood circulation which can lead to more intense orgasms. Some health experts say that kiwi can reduce the chances of premature ejaculation in your partner as well.
Grapes make the aphrodisiac list because they are rich in flavonoids which also help to increase blood circulation everywhere in the body — including your genital region.
Treat Yourself to the Recipe Here
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3. Sparkling Vanilla Pear Mocktail
This particular mocktail features three ingredients that are good for your sex drive: pear, vanilla, and cinnamon. Pears will do your body good because they are fiber-rich and they’re a pretty good source of protein, copper, and antioxidants. Since pears also contain plant compounds, they are good for your eyes and skin; plus, pears can help to reduce bodily inflammation and even lower your risk of diabetes.
Vanilla is good for you because it’s also an anti-inflammatory food that is rich in antioxidants, and cinnamon is bomb because it helps to boost your metabolism, lower your blood sugar levels, improve insulin insensitivity, and fight off bacteria and fungus-related infections.
So, what do all of these things do for you sexually? Pears contain anthocyanins, flavones, and flavanones that can help to treat erectile dysfunction the all-natural way, lab testing reveals that vanilla may help to increase sexual desire (not to mention that the scent is pretty sensual as well) and some studies say that cinnamon has the ability to bring balance to sex hormones, so that your libido, your periods and your fertility are more balanced.
Treat Yourself to the Recipe Here
4. Spicy Guava Mocktail
Antioxidants, fiber, and vitamin C are some of the main nutrients that guava provides. They all work together to strengthen your immune system, slow down the signs of aging in your skin, and even make your menstrual cycles more bearable (as far as cramping goes). Meanwhile, the chili powder that’s featured in this particular recipe can help you to lose weight, reduce your risk of heart disease, and even help decrease any (mild) pain and discomfort that you might feel in your body.
When it comes to physical intimacy, guava is seen as an aphrodisiac because the potassium that’s in it can help men maintain longer erections. Also, since it supports your muscles contracting in the proper way (which is exactly what happens to your vagina muscles during an orgasm) — I mean, must I say more? Chili powder? It helps to improve blood flow so that you can “see the mountaintop” more often (if you know what I mean).
Treat Yourself to the Recipe Here
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5. Vegan Pumpkin Pie Mocktail
There is no contest when it comes to the fact that the signature fruit for the fall season is pumpkin, so a pumpkin mocktail recipe absolutely had to make the list. As far as aphrodisiacs go, this one contains pumpkin, coconut milk, vanilla, and apple (butter). When it comes to the health benefits of pumpkin, it’s also full of fiber, protein, vitamin C, potassium, and antioxidants. It’s also totally off the charts when it comes to how much vitamin A it contains (a whopping 245 percent of the Reference Daily Intake).
And so, whenever you consume pumpkin, you can be confident in the fact that it’s helping to fight off free radicals, boost your immune system, protect your vision, keep you regular and it’s even going to give your skin the collagen support that it needs to remain healthy. Coconut milk is good for you because it’s the kind of milk alternative that is rich in fatty acids, has antimicrobial and antifungal properties, and can help to keep your heart in good shape.
We already touched on vanilla, so let’s move on to the fact that apples have a lot of fiber in them, along with nutrients that can lower your risk of being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes while keeping your gut running well, soothing asthma-related symptoms and even aiding in keeping your mental health where it should be.
On the sex tip, the fatty acids that are in pumpkin (especially pumpkin seeds) help to keep your sex hormones healthy while the zinc in them can increase your libido. Studies have shown that coconut can help to regulate male sex hormones and increase testosterone while apples can improve the overall quality of your sex life (especially if you are a young woman), not to mention the fact that it helps increase sexual arousal.
Treat Yourself to the Recipe Here
6. Easy Passion Fruit Sparkler
With a name like passion fruit, it better have some sex-related benefits — goodness. Anyway, it would benefit you to get some passion fruit into your system because it’s another fruit that is a good source of fiber, antioxidants, potassium, and magnesium. Plus, passion fruit can help to reduce anxiety, strengthen your immunity and it can increase hydration in your skin. Also, since it’s a low-calorie fruit, you can get a taste of sweetness that you may desire without worrying about packing on the pounds in the process.
You might want to sip on a passion fruit sparkler or two hours before having sex because the combination of potassium (which we already discussed can intensify your climaxes) and magnesium (which can make you less anxious and boost your libido; especially after menopause) could make for a really good night! (By the way, this recipe also calls for coconut and we’ve already touched on what it can do.)
Treat Yourself to the Recipe Here
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7. Pomegranate Mojito Mocktail
Since I’m a Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year) observer, I’m very aware of the significance of pomegranates on a lot of levels. Health-wise, this fruit is good for you because it’s a solid source of protein, fiber, vitamin C, folate, potassium, and antioxidants. Pomegranates also have anticancer properties in them, they’re able to reduce bodily inflammation and they can even help to keep your brain sharp. Also, if you’re looking for food that can reduce UV ray damage from the inside out, pomegranates have your back in that department too.
Two other sex-beneficial ingredients in this recipe are mint and ginger (beer). Mint is good for your oral health as well as relieving indigestion, reducing breast discomfort while breastfeeding, and decreasing the severity of various cold symptoms. Ginger is awesome because it contains medicinal properties that do everything from bringing you some much-needed nausea (and morning sickness) relief and supporting your weight loss goals to lowering your cholesterol levels and reducing menstrual pain.
And what makes pomegranates an aphrodisiac? For starters, the antioxidants in them help to reduce stress and open up blood vessels, so that men have stronger erections and everyone has better orgasms. Plus, if you and your partner are looking to conceive, some research says that pomegranates have the ability to improve the quality of a man’s sperm.
And although mint has a reputation for lowering testosterone levels in men, it still gets a shout-out because it can help to balance hormones in women. And, as far as ginger goes, it’s another food that increases blood flow throughout your body which makes arousal easier and climaxing better.
Treat Yourself to the Recipe Here
8. Sparkling Apple Cider Mocktail
We’ve already talked about how apples and pomegranates can do your body, including your libido, a lot of good. As we close these fall mocktail recipes out, I thought it would be a good idea to find one that combines both fall season fruits. And I’ll just reiterate real quick that apples have polyphenols and antioxidants in them that will help to get you aroused quicker while pomegranates contain properties that can even help to put you in the mood for sex.
Treat Yourself to the Recipe Here
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With the weather getting cooler and the desire to cuddle (more) getting stronger, test one (or all) of these fall-themed mocktails out. It’s a delicious way to have an even more delicious night. #wink
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RELATED
July 2025 Astrology Overview
Uranus Enters Gemini
Uranus makes an important transit this month and enters Gemini on July 7 after being in Taurus since 2018. Uranus in Gemini is a wildcard, and anything can happen during this time. With Uranus being the planet of change, upheaval, and breakthrough, and Gemini being the sign of communication, there is a new opening appearing in life, especially regarding creative and business matters.
A few days later, we have a Full Moon in Capricorn, grounding all the energy we have experienced the past month. This Full Moon is about creating space for more security, understanding, and purpose to enter your life, and to own your power in creating your dreams.
Saturn Goes Retrograde, Then Mercury
Saturn goes Retrograde on July 13 until November 27, and Saturn Retrograde brings a push towards growth, but also examines what has been restricting you from doing so. With Saturn currently in Aries, you may be feeling more challenged in standing up for yourself and your beliefs and owning your growth. It’s about reminding yourself how far you have come and knowing that things can get better for you at any moment.
A few days later, we have Mercury going retrograde in Leo, and this Mercury Retrograde is also feeling more personal. It’s about examining how you express yourself and live in your confidence, and overcoming miscommunication with others by showing up exactly as you are authentically.
Leo Season Begins, Chiron Goes Retrograde & Venus Enters Cancer
Leo Season officially begins on July 22, bringing more sunshine after the emotional waters of Cancer Season. Even though we are in Retrograde Season now, with the Sun in Leo, we find the power to overcome even the most trying times. On July 24, we have a New Moon in Leo, making this a powerful New Moon to set intentions for your inner power, creativity, hobbies, self-expression, and where you want to shine in life. Chiron goes retrograde on July 30, and Venus enters Cancer on the same day, and we leave July, entering a new door in love.
One that is more healing and passionate than before. Overall, July is a month of closure and one that is creating the new ground for more purpose, excitement, and love to grow. Keep reading for your Sun, Moon, and rising sign below to see what July has in store for you.
Jump to Your Sign
Aries | Taurus | Gemini | Cancer | Leo | Virgo | Libra | Scorpio | Sagittarius | Capricorn | Aquarius | Pisces
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleA lot of things are brought to your attention this month, Aries. Neptune entered your sign this year for some time to come, and this month Neptune goes retrograde in Aries until the end of October. For you, this means you need some more time to process, understand yourself and your emotional world better, and you are clearing the fog. You are entering Retrograde Season with a deep inner clarity, but also an understanding that your healing doesn’t need to be rushed.
Mid-month, Saturn goes retrograde in Aries until September 1, and it’s important not to be hard on yourself right now. You have a strong urge to transform your life this month, but things may not be happening as quickly with the retrogrades in your sign. On July 30, Chiron also goes retrograde in Aries until 2026, and you end the month in introspection, with the need to take care of your health more. This month is a reminder that you can make plans, but divine timing will always have a say.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleJuly is a month of closure for you, Taurus. You begin the month with Uranus going retrograde in your 2nd house of income, and it’s a good time to prepare for a rainy day. Uranus is going to be shifting the dynamics in your life when it comes to your financial investments, earnings, and sense of stability, and it’s time to open your mind to what is possible for you and your abundance in life. You are learning to be fearless when it comes to owning your authenticity, and knowing that who you are is unique and worthy of love.
On July 10, we have a Full Moon happening in your 9th house, creating an opportunity for travel plans to follow through, or you just feeling more adventurous in general. Mid-month is about letting go of old belief systems that don’t resonate with your heart, and clearing the way for the new to be built in your life. You end the month with Chiron retrograde in your 12th house of endings, and you are learning through what is transforming in your life.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleYou are a powerhouse this month, Gemini. This is a month of achievement, success, and growing more deeply into your power. We begin the month with Venus entering your sign from July 4 until July 30, and love is taking you to new heights. This is a good month for making relationship developments, and for being received well. You are growing in your inner confidence and self-love, and this is creating more harmony in your partnerships as well.
One of the most important astrological transits of the year happens for you this month, and that is Uranus entering your sign on July 7, where it will remain until 2033. With Uranus now being in your sign, you are entering a journey of freedom, rebellion, self-expression, breakthrough, and immense change. You are dancing to the beat of your own drum and will be surprising others by how much life changes for you over the next eight or so years. We end the month with Mercury going retrograde in your 3rd house of communication, remember to think things through as you close out the month.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleJuly is a month of communication, creativity, and self-expression, Cancer. Cancer Season is here for you, and you are moving through the month claiming your power, speaking from the heart, and balancing your needs with others’ needs in your life. The Full Moon of the month on July 10 is your opportunity to let go of anything that has been weighing you down in your close partnerships, and to create room for more stable, committed, and fulfilling love to enter.
On July 24, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be happening in your 2nd house of income, abundance, and self-worth. You are evaluating how you want to show up and ask for what you need, and are preparing for a financial breakthrough. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for your financial world and to see new ways to create a stronger foundation for yourself here. We end the month with Venus entering your sign from July 30 until August 25, and love feels a little more intense, passionate, and purposeful now.
Your guidance for the month overall is to know that you are the magnet for the things you want in your life, and that you have the power to rise above and claim them.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleJoy is what this month is about for you, Leo. You are entering a fulfilling time in your life, where everything comes together for you better than you have ever imagined it to. Mercury goes retrograde in your sign this month from July 18 - August 11, but it’s not stopping you from enjoying your life and living out your truth. You are moving through this Retrograde fearlessly and learning more about yourself in the process.
Leo Season officially begins on July 18, and it’s your time to shine your light, Leo. With the Sun in Leo, you feel like your authentic self is being recognized and loved, and you are healing from a space of feeling like you have to do it all alone. A few days later, we have a Leo New Moon on July 24, and this is the time to set your intentions for your future and for how you want to show up in the world moving forward. July is your month of fulfillment through growth, compassion, and community, and for feeling like you have everything you need.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleJuly is all about perspective, Virgo. You are getting inspired this month, creating new plans for your life, and owning an adventurous side to yourself. With the Sun in your 11th house of aspirations for most of the month, July is a great time to manifest your dreams and to feel more powerful in creating your reality. Some Virgos could be traveling this month and seeing previous plans through, and you are gaining clarity on a lot of aspects of your life by doing things in a new way right now.
Your ruling planet, Mercury, goes retrograde this month and will be retrograding through an area of your life that has to do with healing, closure, spirituality, and your dream world. Pay attention to the messages you are receiving during this time, because they are guiding you towards your healing and personal empowerment. The New Moon on July 24 will also be highlighting your need to close one chapter of your life and begin another, and you are closing out the month with a new perspective in your heart and soul.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a month of fulfillment for you, Libra. A lot of things are falling into place for you in July, and you are owning your freedom and independence right now. Uranus enters your 9th house of travel at the beginning of the month, and you are entering a new journey in your life where you do things in your own way and when you break free of the status quo. You are growing so much mentally this year, and July is when the work you have done internally is being reflected externally.
On July 10, we have a Full Moon in your 4th house of home, family, stability, and emotional harmony, and you are finding your balance. This is a Full Moon of forgiveness, and one where you are recognizing the power in self-care and taking care of your inner world. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Leo, and you are seeing a breakthrough happen within your friendships, community, and support system. You have some exciting opportunities coming your way this month, and you are living life in your own way and on your own terms.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleJuly is about protecting your energy, Scorpio. You have been setting your intentions and creating the life you dream of, and it’s important to create boundaries from those who don’t understand your vision or support you right now. With Uranus moving out of your 7th house of love and entering your 8th house of transformation, after changing things up in your relationships for the past eight years, you are ready to break free from old pain, experiences, or uneasiness in love.
Mercury goes retrograde this month on July 18, and will be retrograde in your house of career. This is the time to take a step back, go over your goals, and give life time to catch up to your dreams. The New Moon on July 24 will be activating this same area of your life, and you are getting glimpses of what is possible for you and your sense of success as you end the month. Overall, your main message this month is to not give up on who you are and what you are building towards, and to know that you are on the right path.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a powerful month of growth for you, Sagittarius. You have the Midas Touch, and you are creating abundance in your life. With Venus and Uranus moving into your 7th house of love, partnership, harmony, and wealth, there are a lot of new opportunities coming your way right now. You are someone who is out-of-the-box and does things their own way, and this energy is serving you well right now and making you a magnet for new opportunities to enter your life.
Mid-month, we have a Full Moon in your 2nd house of abundance and self-worth, and you are feeling more appreciation and value in your life. Previous financial intentions and plans are coming to fruition for you now, and you are ready to let go of the self-doubt of it all. At the end of the month, we have a New Moon in fellow fire sign Leo, and this New Moon is asking you to take more creative risks and to trust that you are on the right path, even if it looks different than others. If it feels right for you, it probably is, Sag.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleEverything comes to fruition for you this month, Capricorn. July is your month of achievement, closure, and claiming your power, and you are doing so confidently. The Sun is in your house of love and partnership for most of the month, and July creates a space of happiness and commitment within your close relationships. On July 10, we have a Full Moon in Capricorn, and life comes full circle for you. Everything you have been building in your life over the past year is being reflected to you now, and you are feeling a lot of gratitude for where life is today.
Mid-month, your ruling planet Saturn, goes retrograde, and this is shifting the energy in the home. Whatever dynamics that have felt a little shaky for you in the home or with family are being addressed now, and you are learning the importance of healing your inner world and doing the work internally. With a New Moon in your 8th house of transformation to end the month, you are getting a little more vulnerable in July, and it’s surprising others, but even yourself. This is your month of closing one door in your life in peace, and seeing a new one bloom in the process.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleJuly is about taking things slow and thinking things through, Aquarius. Relationship dynamics in your life could be causing some challenges or confusion, and it’s best to choose your battles wisely right now. With the Sun in your house of health and daily rituals for most of the month, it’s important to take care of your well-being before you try to fix anything else. On July 10, we have a Full Moon in your 12th house of healing, closure, and spirituality, and this is a good time to reflect on everything you want to let go of in your life right now and what you no longer want to carry forward with you into your new beginnings.
Saturn, one of your ruling planets, goes Retrograde in your house of communication this month, and over the next few months, you are going to be learning about the power of your words. Make sure you are only speaking of things you want to bring forth into existence, and be careful with jumping to assumptions right now. Before the month ends, Mercury goes Retrograde in your 7th house of love, and your heart is seeking forgiveness. Know that you can find clarity during this time by being honest with yourself and your heart.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecoleThere is a lot to process this month, and your mind is healing, Pisces. July is your month of overcoming past challenges and letting go of habits and routines that don’t serve you in the long run. Neptune, one of your ruling planets, goes Retrograde this month, and will be bringing your attention to your values and income world during this time. This transit is allowing you to gain clarity on your financial reality, establish greater self-worth and confidence, and get inspired by what is possible for you and your sense of abundance in life.
On July 18, Mercury goes retrograde in your 6th house of health, and you are ready to let go of the daily rituals or working routines that have been limiting your personal growth in some way. It’s time to examine what your body, mind, and soul are asking for right now, and to have the power to let go of what doesn’t resonate with your overall well-being. Before the month ends, Chiron goes retrograde in your 2nd house as well, joining Neptune, and there is a lot of healing to be done this month.
You are being asked to see yourself as a powerful, worthy, and loved being you are, and to know that you deserve to feel good about your life and to feel secure in what you are building for yourself and your future.
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On the student tip, something that my mother’s husband taught me many years ago actually took me a while to personally apply to my life. Oh, but once I did, I found it to be a real gem: “Shellie, have two confidants in your life. They shouldn’t be your friends, and once you lose them, don’t replace them.”
While this pearl of wisdom might sound quite odd on the surface, I’m thinking that by the time you read all of this, you’ll be able to see just how much of a winning life hack it can actually be.
What Is a Confidant (and Why Aren’t They Always Friends)?
What Is a Confidant?
GiphyTell me something — do you have a confidant? I mean, someone who is strictly that and nothing else. Just so you are crystal clear about where I am coming from, a confidant is someone who you share secrets and private matters with. And although synonyms for the word include ones like acquaintance (acquaintance?!), companion and pal, there is really only one (other) synonym that I will cosign on when it comes to a role that is as significantly essential as a confidant: intimate.
And although intimate does mean things like “characterized by or involving warm friendship or a personally close or familiar association or feeling,” today we’re going to focus on this definition: “very private; closely personal.”
Something that is private is personal — oftentimes deeply personal at that. It’s the kind of information that, in the wrong hands, could hurt or harm you. And that’s why you have to be extremely careful about who you share private matters with.
And although you might think that it’s natural to assume that if someone is your friend — hell, sometimes even a good friend — they should automatically be where your secrets and private matter.
5 Reasons a Confidant-Only Dynamic Works So Well
The Benefits of Having a Confidant Who Isn’t Your “Friend”
GiphyTrust me, I will be the first person to say that friendships aren’t created equal and some are much closer than others (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them,” “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?”). Because of that, of course, there are some people who know more about you than others do. Shoot, a couple of my friends and I are tight as all get out and still there are things that they tell their therapist that they don’t tell me — whether it’s right away or period.
Why? Because sometimes you need to be able to say something and not only know, without a doubt, that it will stay right where you left it but you won’t hurt someone’s feelings, be inundated with unsolicited advice or opinions and/or that it will be “held against you” later on. And that’s what makes a confidant-only individual so awesome — they can provide all of these things for you, free of charge. I’ll expound further.
1. Confidants provide an unconditional safe space.
I have a confidant. We’ve known each other for almost three decades at this point and we do care about each other deeply. However, about 12 years ago, after I shared what my mother’s husband said to me with her, we made the decision to shift into the role of being mutual confidants. It’s been awesome because we can say the deepest, ugliest, most shocking (and sometimes just pettiest) stuff to each other about…whatever, without judgment, fear or any level of uncomfortableness — and boy, that is more wonderful than you might realize. Y’all, just knowing that there is someone around and available who you can go to about any and everything and it will remain in the vault…forever? Unconditionally and no matter what? Priceless.
2. Confidants don’t require multitasking.
One of my favorite people in the world, we are extremely close and we both know a ton about each other. Still, because we are friends, there are times when we have hurt each other’s feelings or even been low-key offended and it’s because friendships have (and should) have a set of expectations that can cause hearing certain things to be difficult. With a confidant, though, because they signed up to hear whatever, you don’t find yourself having to “edit” or tiptoe around something. If you need to say it…SAY IT.
They get that their position is to be a sounding board and so, while you should be grateful for the relationship and treat them like you are, they don’t tend to need kid gloves; they don’t take things personally because they know that it’s not about them…AT ALL. It’s about you needing to share something or get a release. No more. No less.
3. The boundaries are clear — and firm.
Sometimes, with friendships/relationships, things can get complicated because folks feel like they have a right to say or do certain things based on the longevity of the dynamic or how emotionally invested they are — and boy, when boundaries get crossed, that can cause all types of issues. With a confidant, for the most part, things are crystal clear. For instance, when my confidant and I decided that we were going to serve that role for each other, we agreed that it could be any time of the day, that we would ask each other if we wanted advice/information/insight or not (more on that in a sec) and even if we stopped being confidants, whatever was discussed would never go past each other.
Hmph. Even if you have to go back to your high school days, I’m willing to bet that there is a former friend who didn’t have this kind of integrity when it came to some of what they knew about you when you were still cool with them. You see, true confidants aren’t interested in getting their “lick backs.” Their investment isn’t so complex that they emotionally even want to. In fact, I’m not sure if there is any dynamic that I have that is more clear about its purpose than the one that I have with my confidant. The limits are uncomplicated and respected. Period.
4. They are awesome stress reducers.
I don’t do social media and my life is quite peaceful because of it. However, there are studies which state that people (especially women) find that sharing intel on social media platforms helps to reduce their stress levels. That said, I’m also sure it’s not a surprise that research also says that having a reliable support system can decrease stress levels as well. However, what you may not know is there is also data which says that if you suppress your secrets, it can ultimately cause you to feel disingenuous and isolated. Not only that but secret-keeping can also increase your tension levels, invoke feelings of shame (depending on what the secret is) and heighten levels of anxiety and depression.
I’d venture to say that a big part of this is because we are relational beings and when we keep things to ourselves, it can cause us to overthink and/or beat ourselves up. Meanwhile, getting things out can make us feel seen and accepted. A confidant can make this happen. In fact, other studies reveal that having a confidant can make you better at resolving conflicts, exerting emotional control, coping with challenges, being more mentally resilient and being more positive and content overall.
5. You can get advice — or not.
Last one. Something that I’ve gotten into the habit of doing when it comes to the person who I am an (officiant) confidant to is asking, before they even say anything, “Do you want me to listen or do you want me to say something about ‘it’?” Listen, I know me and I’ve also heard A LOT of off-the-wall stuff from this individual over the years; therefore, I need to brace for if they just need a sounding board or someone to help them “solve” a/the matter.
With friends and other loved ones, sometimes they don’t have the self-control to be quiet — not just in the moment but period. Confidants agree to say nothing, perhaps forever, on a matter…if that is what “their” person so desires. I’m telling you a confidant who is just that? They are literal godsends.
Do Confidant Relationships Have an Expiration Date?
Do Confidant Relationships Ever “Expire”?
Andre 3000 GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you were paying close attention to what my mother’s husband said, he not only advised having a low number of confidants but not replacing them once you lose them as well. I remember when one of his died; he was absolutely heartbroken. And yet, I get what he meant: his secrets went to eternal rest right along with this confidant which gave him a lot of peace.
And that’s why I think that it you should do some real pondering, praying and even vetting to a certain extent before selecting an official confidant because it needs to be someone who is committed for the long haul to be your ear…because this level of involvement — being willing to hold such sacred information close? You can’t be fickle with that type of dynamic. You pretty much need to take on the stance of “once a confidant, always a confidant.” My confidant and I are just that. No matter what, a human vault for one another, we shall remain.
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You know, an author by the name of Michael Bassey Johnson once said something that is semi-terrifying and yet another great reason to have a confidant in your life: “Sometimes your dearest friend whom you reveal most of your secrets to becomes so deadly and unfriendly without knowing that they were not really your friend.” Goodness.
The very private side of you, science says that you need someone to share it with.
So, treat yourself to a confidant. A safe place to be totally yourself without expectation.
How dope is that?
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