If You Have Herpes, When Should You Reveal It To A Potential Partner?

Herpes. Explained. A Bit Better.

First, because there still tends to be such a stigma surrounding herpes, let’s talk about the layers that surround it. For instance, did you know that there are actually over 100 different versions of the herpes virus, that only eight directly affect humans directly, and out of those two, it’s the herpes simplex viruses (HSV-1 and HSV-2) that can lead to genital warts (the other six impact other parts of your system such as your immunity and skin)?

HSV-1 is what causes oral herpes (cold sores via your mouth) while HSV-2 is what causes genital herpes. Both are infections that currently have no cure (although they can be managed with medication).

What Is HSV-1?

Now, if one of the main things that you’re wondering is if HSV-1 and HSV-2 are both considered to be STI/STDs, the answer isn’t exactly black and white. Since HSV-1 (which is super contagious during an outbreak, by the way) tends to be spread through saliva or sores in the mouth (or using folks’ cups and utensils when they have an outbreak), it can’t be automatically classified as an STI/STD. However, since HSV-1 can also be transmitted via oral sex, this means that it potentially can be an STI/STD.

It also should go on record that if you happen to be diagnosed with HSV-1, you can’t be reinfected with it; at the same time, you are at risk (some say a higher risk) to contract HSV-2. When it comes to HSV-1, it’s also important to keep in mind that it’s common to contract it as a child and it’s also hella common to be asymptomatic. That said, if you do happen to end up with cold sores in or around your mouth, they typically will go away within two weeks — although before that two-week window is up, that is the time when sexual contact should be avoided.

Usually, the treatment for oral herpes is antiviral medications and/or antiviral ointments and/or over-the-counter anti-inflammatory meds. And again, although cold sores do happen to go away on their own, medical research does reveal that proper treatment can help to reduce the frequency and intensity of outbreaks whenever they do occur.

What About HSV-2?

Since it is a type of herpes virus that is spread through vaginal, oral, and/or anal sex, it is definitely classified as being an STI/STD. Some other ways that it can be spread is by touching someone’s genitals whenever they have an outbreak, a baby being vaginally birthed, and even via breastfeeding if the mom happens to have an open sore in that area at the time.

Symptoms

As far as symptoms go, it truly can’t be said enough that many people don’t even know that they have genital herpes and so, sometimes what could seem like a yeast infection or UTI could actually be genital herpes. So, if you happen to have pain in your or around your genitalia, yellow discharge, and/or pain when you urinate and either a standard yeast infection or UTI treatment doesn’t help or the infection keeps returning, you really need to make an appointment with your doctor.

Some other symptoms to look out for: red, blister-like bumps, fever, headaches, pain in your joints, and/or lesions (or ulcers) on your vulva, in your vagina, in your anus, or even on your buttocks, and/or thighs.

Treatment & Outbreaks

Treatment for HSV-2 includes various antiviral medications and/or episodic therapy (a one-time treatment that specifically targets a particular outbreak) and chronic suppressive therapy for individuals who have frequent outbreaks. It’s also important to keep in mind that things like your menstrual cycle and bouts of stress can trigger an outbreak. As far as how long a genital outbreak lasts, research reveals that the first one is typically the longest; it can last anywhere from 2 to 4 weeks.

Oh, and one more thing before we continue: genital herpes cannot spread to other parts of your body. So, if you’ve got an unexplainable sore on, say, your arm or your leg, speak with your doctor. Don’t assume that it has anything to do with the herpes virus.

Herpes & Relationships: How Sex Should Be Approached 

Okay, so now that, hopefully, herpes has been explained in a way where it makes more sense (en masse), let’s get into how sex should be approached/handled if you happen to have HSV-1 or HSV-2. Well, for starters, let me reiterate that ORAL SEX IS SEX, and again, both forms of the herpes virus can be spread that way — this is especially the case if you or your partner has an outbreak, although studies say that herpes can be transmitted even if there are no symptoms, which is why sexually-active people really need to get tested for STI/STDs every 6-12 months without fail.

Now after reading that, you might think that having herpes means that oral sex (giving or receiving) is pretty much a thing of the past. Eh, not exactly. It’s important to keep in mind that while participating in the act with someone who has the virus does make you more vulnerable to getting it, it’s been reported that getting HSV-2 through oral activity is pretty rare. Still, if you want to take extra precautions, you can always have oral sex while using a condom or a dental dam.

And what about sexual intercourse? Pretty much any medical professional that you speak to is going to recommend that you use a condom while having sex, whether you have an outbreak, or symptoms or not. And listen, while we’re here, I know a guy, who has HSV-2, who is SUPER SELFISH AND IRRESPONSIBLE because he only uses condoms if he happens to have an outbreak going on and he doesn’t always notify his partners that he even has genital herpes (UGH).

Unfortunately, he’s not alone either.

Several years back, the Guttmacher Institute published, “Many People Who Have Herpes Use Condoms Only During Symptomatic Outbreaks” — and when you stop to consider that only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms anyway (and even that isn’t consistently)…SMDH. Yeah, don’t even get me started on how that could be a huge part of the reason why herpes is such a widespread virus.

Anyway, condoms at all times, not having sex if you have symptoms related to an outbreak, and definitely no sex if there are sores/lesions/ulcers present need to be the rule of thumb. And what if you happen to be in a long-term exclusive situation and you don’t want to use condoms forever? An option to consider is taking what is known as a serological test; it’s a type of blood test that can reveal if antibodies of the virus are present in you and/or your partner’s system to help you determine if it’s “worth the risk” to engage in unprotected sex.

And what should you do when it comes to considering “taking it there” with a new potential partner? That is an excellent question. Excellent, indeed.

3 Things to Consider When It Comes to Talking to a Prospective Partner About Herpes

The video above (via@bianca.ordonez_on TikTok)? I mean, talk about a roller coaster of emotions while listening to her, right? There are three main reasons why I thought it was important to share it, though. For one thing, pretty much every article that I read on how to act responsibly when it comes to having herpes (as it relates to being sexually involved, that is), said that you absolutely should disclose that you have it and so, I’ll say this: an apathetic partner, only any level, isn’t someone you should be sleeping with.

Two, one day, I may pen a piece on the stigma that continues regarding HIV. For now, I will say that I thought it was important to share what Bianca had to say because havingherpes increases your chances of becoming diagnosed with HIV (during an outbreak most of all). And three, although jarring, Bianca makes a valid point about not making assumptions and your health needing to be your own top priority.

It’s time out for someone not “looking like” they have an STI/STD. If you’re not willing to have some grown folks conversations before engaging in sexual activity, then you need to wait until you are.

Keeping all of this in mind and circling all the way back to the woman in the intro of this article, how should you approach bringing herpes into the discourse when you’re seeing someone new?

1. Intimate conversations are for intimate situations. As much as social media wants to depict otherwise (SMDH), sex, even in this day and age, should be seen as an intimate act — and words that define intimate include “very private,” “warm friendship” and “close personal relations." So, unless nothing but casual sex is what you’re after (and if so, you definitely need to let your partner know that you have herpes ASAP), there’s no reason to lead with your health diagnosis, right off the bat.

I mean, how do you even know if they are someone who you want to be sexually involved with? And so, to disclose something that private? It could be way premature. Besides, if it gets to that point, some STI/STD testing needs to be transpiring, in both directions, anyway. So, if it looks like things are getting to where sex (any kind of sex) is going to go down, that is a good time to bring up testing as well as your health issue. Based on how they handle it, that can reveal a lot about whether or not they are someone who you should be “engaging” with, anyway. Real talk.

2. If you don’t trust them enough to talk about it, why trust them with your body in the first place? If you read what I just said and are like, “I hear you but…I’m still really uncomfortable” — that’s normal and human. Really, though, sis — if you can’t trust him enough to talk about having herpes, do you really trust him at all? And if you don’t, why is sleeping with him even on the table (right now) in the first place? Not only that but, although it is certainly everyone’s right to think and feel whatever they do about herpes, oftentimes sharing can be a teachable moment.

What I mean by that is, anyone who stares in disgust or tries to make you feel bad, it’s evident how ignorant they are about it. If anything, it could be a good time to educate them on HSV-1 and HSV-2 because, with the statistics revealing just how widespread herpes is, should they choose to remain sexually active with multiple partners, there’s a good chance that this exact conversation will come up…again.

3. Apply the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I’ll close out with this one. Now that you know what you do about herpes, if you were newly dating someone who had it, when would you like to know? Also, does oral herpes vs. genital herpes make any difference as far as when you prefer to have the intel revealed? I don’t have HSV-1 or HSV-2. I have thought about how I would handle this type of situation, though. For me, if we’re going to kiss, we should talk about HSV-1.

On the other hand, if you have HSV-2 and there is absolutely no oral and intercourse going on, it can wait until we’re at the point of entertaining it. Again, I get that it’s personal information and so, unless it will affect/impact me directly, I respect it remaining as such. Everyone is different, though, so think about how you would want things to be handled if the shoe was on the other foot. If you’re being honest and not shirking responsibility, that oftentimes will reveal the best route to take.

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Herpes has no cure, so yes, it’s serious. Yet you know what, y’all? Sex can create babies. Sex can give you other infections. Sex can potentially break your heart. That means that sex, period, is serious. And serious actions need to have serious conversations — before engaging in them.

Let that be the greatest takeaway of all — whether you have herpes…or not.

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