As I’m in the process of writing a follow-up to what I call my “sexual autobiography,” it’s interesting that while I’m not nearly talking about as much “sex fallout” as before (you’ve got to be having as much sex in order to do that), as I’m revisiting my past and updating readers on it, one word that just keeps on coming up is SAFE.
Honestly, it’s not just sexually where "safe" has become a real theme word for me and how I (now) choose to live. And that’s because, looking back over a significant portion of my life, “safe” was not something that was prioritized because safe wasn’t something that was (consistently) modeled or expressed to me.
And, as I oftentimes say, when you’ve been raised around dysfunction, you tend to do what’s familiar instead of what is actually right — right means what’s good for you, what’s rooted in facts and truth, what’s appropriate, what’s most favorable (beneficial) and what will keep you in solid holistic health.
For something or someone to be safe, they need to, as much as possible, be proactively intentional about keeping you from “harm, injury, danger or risk;” they need to be dependable and trustworthy; they need to (synonyms for "safe") protect you, cherish you, keep you out of danger, shield you, leave you undamaged, uninjured and unhurt. Yeah, to do safe things and be among safe people? That is more than a notion.
As far as romantic relationships, in general, go, check out “This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship” when you get a sec. Today, though, let’s talk about what safe sex is all about — because if you think that it only consists of using a condom (which, unfortunately, most folks are failing miserably at even that these days — SMDH), words cannot express how much culture and society have failed you.
Safe sex actually has billions of layers. Over the course of a few moments, I will attempt to merely scratch the surface.
Physically
GiphySo let’s address the most obvious point first: your body. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that whenever you hear the phrase “safe sex,” what immediately comes to mind is birth control, more specifically, bringing a condom into the mix. I mean, to a certain extent, that should be the case because condoms help to prevent unwanted pregnancies and STIs/STDs. And you know what? What’s sad about even this is that even though condoms continue to be one of the most reliable forms of protection,only one-third of men and one-fourth of women actually use them — and even then, not consistently so.
And y’all, you can’t tell me that this doesn’t play a role in reportedlythree million unplanned pregnancies, with half of those ending in induced terminations annually. Yes, people, unless you are in a mutually-determined, long-term committed relationship, with some other sort of birth control plan in use (unless you’re currently trying to conceive), WRAP IT UP.
However, physically safe sex also means that you need to be serious about your sexual health in general. For instance, I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they got herpes from someone who either never got tested for STIs/STDs or was asymptomatic, so they didn’t test on an annual basis. Or even beyond sexually transmitted infections/diseases, they ignored side effects from oral birth control or symptoms related to urinary tract infections (UTIs), bladder infections, or tissue ruptures from vaginal and/or anal sex, which led to all sorts of unexpected (some major, some not) health-related complications up the road.
Not to mention how many folks — even grown-ass ones — still fail to acknowledge that there is no such thing as consequence-free oral sex, in the sense that you can get STIs/STDs from those, too (I have shared before that I know a guy who got an STD from receiving head not giving it). Yeah, and don’t even get me started on how sex, when you’re on your cycle, can actuallyincrease your chances of getting some type of sexually transmitted infection or disease.
Bottom line on this one, across all lines, as far as your health is concerned, sex is a BIG DEAL. Humans can be made from the act, and no other activity between two people can say the same.
So, if you’re going to engage, you need to get tested before sleeping with a new partner; you need to stay getting tested every 6-12 months (all the while making sure that your partner(s) are doing the same); you need to use condoms at all times (don’t be out here putting it on right before your partner is going to ejaculate either; pre-ejaculate can surprise you…and not always in a good way); you need to know your body so well that you will notice almost immediately if/when something is different is transpiring with your health — and honestly, you need to try and know someone well enough beforehand so that their character indicates that they wouldn’t want to hurt or harm you on the physical tip anyway.
This brings me to the next type of safe sex that needs to be tackled…
Mentally/Emotionally
GiphyI’m willing to bet my next writing paycheck that if we were to ask every person on this planet who’s had sex with at least three people in their lifetime if they’ve ever been (or at least felt like they’ve been) mentally or emotionally manipulated into copulation, they would say “yes” without hesitation — not just women, men too because the reality is that if you’re using sex as a tool to get what you want, you are being manipulative, and since manipulation is a form of control and being controlled in a relational dynamic is potentially harmful…manipulation is definitely unsafe (check out “Are You Being Manipulated? Are You Manipulative? Here's The Breakdown.”).
So, what are some clear signs that someone is amaster manipulator when it comes to a sexual dynamic?
- They gaslight you (cause you to think that your facts and truth about sex aren’t real or are invalid);
- They downplay your feelings, concerns, needs, and/or wants about sex;
- They use guilt or ultimatums to get you to have sex (or a certain kind of sex);
- They make you feel unreasonable for the boundaries and/or principles that you have surrounding sex;
- They give you the silent treatment or cold shoulder if you don’t do what they want (both in and outside of the bedroom);
- They distort the facts about themselves, you, or sex, in general, in order to get their way;
- They start fights when they can’t get their way when it comes to sex.
And hell, that’s just for starters! And before some of y’all want to point your fingers solely at the fellas, let me show you how some of my female married clients manipulate sex: they’re suddenly “in the mood” for it if they did something wrong and they’re trying to find a way to not hold themselves accountable or apologize. As far as how some of my single female clients get down, when they want a particular item, they will offer up sex, hoping that will help them to get it (or get it quicker). Hey, just because these tactics are common, that absolutely does not make them right.
Another way that some people will be mentally/emotionally manipulative with sex is they will “falsely advertise” it. What I mean by that is — say that someone is ready to get engaged or married, and their partner is a bit hesitant because they’re wondering if things will change after jumping the broom. Someone who uses manipulation may offer up a ton of sex to convince their partner that marriage will be complete and utter bliss, only to ration it out after saying, “I do. Happens all of the time.
And here’s the thing about that — as unpopular as it may be to say or hear, not only are you unfaithful to your marriage vows if you promise fidelity and sleep around, you’re also unfaithful if you expect someone to be monogamous when you’re not treating sex as a responsibility in a marriage and aren’t engaging in it (if you’re physically able) on a consistent basis (hey, take it up with Scripture: I Corinthians 7:5).
Oh, I could go on (and on and on) about how much sex is manipulated in relationships. For now, I’ll just leave you with the fact that motive reveals a ton — and if you and/or your partner’s motive in sex is to try and control on some level, that is sho ‘nuf a mental/emotional example of unsafe sex.
Spiritually
GiphyOne of my all-time favorite Scriptures is the Message Version of I Corinthians 6:16: “There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact.” Mysteries are revelations. Indeed, there are revelations within the act of sex that are just as profound as the physical experiences that transpire within it. That’s another message for another time, though. Anyway, if you’re not a Bible, Quran, or Torah reader, then I won’t assume you know that holy Scriptures advocate for sex within marriage; those books say that sex was designed specifically for that dynamic and union. Full stop.
However, when I speak of “spiritually safe sex,” I’m (also) coming from the angle of an article that I wrote about four years ago for the platform: “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual,' Anyway?” Even if Scripture is not your basis and blueprint for how you strive to live your life, as I said in the article, spirit oftentimes speaks to one’s soul. The Hebrew word for soul is nephesh, and that is about your life: your desires, your passions, your appetite, your emotions — the things that make you, YOU.
Listen, Scripture says that sex makes two people one (Genesis 2:24-25). Thanks to oxytocin, science says something along those lines as well (becauseit bonds you to people through sex, kissing, and cuddling). Speaking of science, although TikTok ramblers may not want to talk about it, you should definitely check out TIME’s “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring” sometime (I’ll just leave that right there) — and so yes, you absolutely should factor in that sex has a way of affecting (and, if you don’t choose wisely, infecting) your spirit — your soul…YOURSELF.
So yeah, even outside of what holy books say about sex, it’s wise for all of us to factor in that our spirit is not just about what and who we desire. It’s about whether our appetite is going to throw off our emotional stability; it's about whether our passions are going to negatively impact the course of our life; it's about whether being with someone for a few moments is going to compromise ourselves in a way that is truly not beneficial for us.
And how does all of this shake out in a non-religious-yet-still-super-spiritual kind of way? One of my all-time favorite quotes immediately comes to mind:
“As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I, in a love relationship, do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.” (Leo Buscaglia)
A spiritually safe sexual relationship will never call you to sacrifice (in a codependent way because, by definition, sometimes sacrifices are both necessary and good) your core being or who you are becoming. It will actually do the opposite by helping you to become a better person when it comes to how you handle your emotions, how you regulate your desires and appetites, and how you ultimately choose to live out your life.
Real talk, A LOT of people are in sexually unsafe relationships as far as their spiritual life goes. A part of the reason is because they don’t take the time to ponder, process, and really learn what their spirit is, what it needs, and the signs that a person, place, thing, or idea is ultimately detrimental to/for it. I hope all of what I just said sheds some light when it comes to that…for you.
Personally
GiphyThe word “personal” basically means oneself, which is yourself. Whenever the saying “come to oneself” is said, it pretty much means that someone has come to their senses, and coming to one’s senses is all about thinking rationally and reasonably; it’s about acting from a place of consciousness. It’s about not doing things that are wrong or foolish. Yeah, the word “personal” is a pretty loaded one.
As I close this out, let’s go back to “consciousness” for just a sec. To be conscious is to be self-aware. Some popular traits ofa self-aware individual:
- Being able to manage your emotions
- Actually listening to your conscience
- You don’t talk yourself out of facts and truths (meaning reality)
- You don’t do what you know will cause you or others pain
- You’re kind and empathetic
- You’re not controlling
- You don’t excuse or justify poor choices
- You break habits that no longer serve you
- You are constantly on the path of self-improvement
- You are open to trying new things — even at the cost of releasing the old
Chile, do you see how if you’re involved with someone sexually and these things HONESTLY aren’t happening to and for you, you are in a sexually unsafe situation? No matter how good someone makes you feel, they are ultimately to your detriment (if not immediately, eventually) if they are costing you your self-awareness on all fronts. It’s not worth it…HEAR ME WHEN I YELL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS THAT YOU NEED TO LET IT…GO. Nothing that costs you self-awareness is safe. NOTHING.
___
Yeah, safe sex definitely has prophylactics involved yet, as you can see, it is about so much more than that. Y’all life is precious, and as the Chinese proverb goes, “It’s later than you think.” Love yourself enough to move in ways that are safe — this includes in the bedroom. Because if the sex ain’t safe, across the board, at the end of the day…it’s really not worth it.
Please don’t learn (or keep learning) this the hard way. Okay?
Y’all stay safe out here. LITERALLY.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images
RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
Riska/Getty Images
1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
Riska/Getty Images
19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by
