Where Are They Now? These Celebs Held Down The Culture In The '90's

Being in the public eye has its pros and cons, of course, but not to the degree that it has today. In modern society, you can be famous for being famous, and not even contributing much to the world. Dating a celebrity makes you a celebrity, and knowing any celebrity comes with a weird level of notoriety. But there was a time when this wasn't the case. A time where clout wasn't a thing, and rocking whatever God gave you was the norm (no shade to our Queens who've done a lil' enhancement, we love us all).
This rang true particularly in the '90's, when times were...different, or a true time to be alive. More importantly, this was a time when some of our faves graced our televisions, and truly represented for the Black and Brown community. We decided to follow up on a few who championed the culture during a time when society wasn't as progressive as it is today. Keep reading for celebs who held down the '90's. Where are they now?
Ananda Lewis
Ananda Lewis, who is now 47 (what?!!), is an American television host, carpenter, former model, and social activist. She was an MTV veejay from the late 1990s until 2001, when she left the network to host her own broadcast syndicated television talk show, The Ananda Lewis Show. She was a correspondent for The Insider from 2004 to 2005, but since, we haven't heard much from her professionally. She took a break to be a mom to her 9-year-old son, and enjoy the fruits of her labor.
But October 2020, Ananda announced to the world that she had stage 3 breast cancer. In an emotional video, she revealed she had been struggling with the disease for years:
"I am sharing this with you today because it is the beginning of Breast Cancer Awareness month and I have been fighting to get cancer out of my body for almost two years. I need you to get your mammograms. Early detection, especially for breast cancer, changes your outcome. It can save your life."
Thankfully, Lewis said she's been able to stop the cancer from spreading throughout her body with natural and homeopathic remedies.
"That's good news, but it's not gone and I still have a lot of work to do."
Today, you can find Ananda on IG passing out healing advice and trying to keep us all fit and healthy.
Kellie Shanygne Williams
Kellie Shanygne Williams is best known for her role as Laura Winslow, the middle-born child of Carl and Harriette Winslow on the television series Family Matters which ran from 1989-1998. After Family Matters, she began acting in the ABC television show What About Joan, and had a few recurring roles on both, Moesha, The Parkers, and Eve. She was also on the Style Network program Clean House for six episodes in 2009, as a substitute host for Niecy Nash.
One of her most recent projects is holiday movie Christmas in Carolina, which her reunited her with fellow Family Matters co-star, Darius McCrary.
Today, Kellie lives a more lowkey lifestyle, as a mom of two, and wife to the CEO of of the IT firm Y-Tech.
Bumper Robinson
Bumper Robinson, 47, worked regularly in the 90's appearing in sitcoms such as A Different World, Living Single, Family Matters, and Sister, Sister. He starred in movies such as The Jacksons: An American Dream, which he says he still receives checks for today. Other than minor voice-overs, Robinson has left the front of the cameras to work behind the scenes, until re-emerging as a standout recurring character on The Game.
Today he dedicates his social media to social issues, and has recently played the role of Broadway on the Kenya Barris-created Netflix show, BlackAF.
On an episode of the hilariously epic Strong Black Legends Podcast, when asked what excites him most about passing the torch to the new era of Black television, he says:
"We own the perspective. There's a difference between being hired to be Black, and being able to be yourself. Black isn't a character. If you put Black people in front of a camera, we're Black, you know. That's obvious. But that doesn't give you the layers. And what I think we're experiencing now is being able to watch us share our layers. And that's invaluable."
Zelda Harris
Troy the boy! Zelda Harris, 36, is best known as Troy in Spike Lee's 1994 film, Crooklyn. The young actress' career also includes a memorable role in another Spike Lee movie, He Got Game. Harris took a self-imposed hiatus from showbiz and eventually went to Princeton University, graduating in 2007. She later revealed that she left the movie business because there were not many positive roles available for African-American women.
Today, Harris is known for being interactive with her fans on her social media, as she has transitioned from actress to singer. Additionally, in one of her posts, she got candid about her health struggles, revealing that she was frequently in pain following her battle with fibroids.
"This year has been incredible. But through it all, I was fighting pain and discomfort within my own body. After months of trying to use alternative medicine practices to heal, I made the decision to turn to traditional western medicine to get help with my fibroids. That was a HARD decision - and it left me feeling like less of a woman. I had to go through a lot of pain at that stage."
She continued:
"I learned some things this year. Believe your body when she tells you something's off. Believe others when they mention they feel off. Seek guidance and information from all helpful realms. Try not to carry shame about your body's ailments. Work not to carry shame for your body's ailments. And breathe. Breathe through the pain. Breathe through the fear."
Erika Alexander
OK, I'm going to go on record and say that Maxine Shaw is probably one of the greatest sitcoms characters in television history. But listen, Erika needs her flowers too because she is a whole legend out here. Erika Alexander, 51, became well known back in the day as the star of the hit show Living Single. She played the hell out of this role and won several awards for it, including two NAACP Image Awards for Outstanding Actress in a Comedy Series. Besides starring in that series, in the 1980s, she was cast as Pam Tucker on The Cosby Show.
Needless to say, sis knows a few things about starring in classic television.
Currently, the star creates shows, directs films, and produces television content, and even has a few roles in major films such as most recently, Get Out and Starz's Run the World. She's also living her best single life, as she divorced in 2017 from her husband of 20 years, screenwriter, Tony Puryear.
We expect the see great things from her in the future, whether working with Charlemagne tha God on projects, or making headlines for getting a few "friends" ponytails together.
Reagan Gomez
Many of us recall Reagan Gomez as teenage Zaria on Robert Townsend's '90s sitcom, The Parent 'Hood. But Gomez is a teenager no more, as she has evolved into a beautiful wife and mother and kids who has completely revamped her career. In fact, these days she's actually more at home behind the camera. She did so because, like Zelda, she was noticing a ridiculous trend in available roles for Black women. She told ESSENCE:
"Writing is really important to me. I've been an actress for so long, so I'm used to reading those scripts. I'm used to having to audition for the Black girl who, you know, is dying in five minutes, or the sassy friend. I started writing to create content for roles that I could not audition for, and stories that I could not audition for. So this part of the process, the other side of the camera, is really just a godsend to me. And I think with everything that's happening in our country and in the world, we need stories like this to uplift our people, and especially Black women and marginalized women."
Recently, Reagan publicly paid tribute to her co-star and show mother, Suzzanne Douglas, who passed away at the top of the month. "This is a #SuzzanneDouglas stan account," she wrote on Twitter. Now, Gomez writes and directs Surviving and is creator of the Reaganomics Podcast.
Essence Atkins
Queen Essence Atkins, in addition to her role in Smart Guy, is known for starring in shows such as Marlon, and Half & Half. She is royalty to the culture as she so graciously is front row in any attempt to speak life into other Black women, which she so infamously did at Sherri Shepard's birthday brunch this year. Over time, we have seen Essence in a variety of shows and movies, most notably Deliver Us From Eva and Are We There Yet?
And now, she has been tapped to start in Viola Davis-produced show, Black Don't Crack, where she reunites with Smart Guy star, Tahj Mowry. Of the show, she wrote on Instagram:
"First day of shooting #blackdontcrack and my very first REEL! I'm having the best time this good Good Friday with @sherrieshepherd & @tishacampbellmartin. Thank you @abcnetwork for this amazing opportunity and @reginayhicks for your vision. So excited @juveeproductions @violadavis #juliustennon @larrywilmore @andrewtwang"
Today, Essence is a mom to her son that she gave birth to in 2011, with ex-husband, Jaime Mendez, whom she famously met on Match.com. So excited for her next chapter!
Karen Malina White
Karen Malina White, 56, is the fast-talking mouth piece, best known for her roles as Kaneesha Carter, in the film Lean on Me, Charmaine Brown on The Cosby Show (1990–1992), Nicolette Vandross on Malcolm & Eddie (1996–2000), and the voice of Dijonay Jones on the Disney Channel's animated comedy The Proud Family.
Her voice and quick wit has gotten her far, affording her numerous opportunities which she can credit her career too. She was dating co-star Malcolm Jamaal Warner for seven years, before ending things in 2007. She currently is not married and has no children. Instead, she has opted to live her best life on her terms.
She has a few projects in the pipeline, as she is gearing up for the reboot of the The Proud Family, as well as a secret project that she hinted at on Instagram in a photo where she's rocking a short pixie cut. The photo was captioned:
"Natural Woman I said yes you can cut my hair for this role."
We can't wait to support!
Kim Wayans
The whole Wayans family (well, not all of them, but most), got in on the action of In Living Color back in the 90's, one of the sisters of the large family included. Kim Wayans, 58, was a skilled in impressions as well as original characters. She is best known for her four-year stint on the show, and Tonia Harris on In the House (1995–98). Wayans also was in many of the Wayans' productions, and a story editor on her brother Damon Wayans' sitcom My Wife and Kids.
Most recently, while promoting Lena Waithe's Boomerang, when asked what she would tell her younger self, she opened up about her career's journey:
" In my 20s, I was 16. So I was a late bloomer. I was still very much a child when I was in my 20s. I was very much a teenager in so many different ways. Trying to figure out my place in the industry was hard because things are changing now and doors are opening up now. But when I was coming up and looking for opportunities, they would put you in a box, and there are certain things that are asked of you to do as a Black actress, and it really wasn't all that thrilling, all that exciting. Trust your own voice."
Last year, she gave us alllll the nostalgia when she reprised her role as her popular character, Benita Butrell prior to the election. Love to see it!
Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!
Featured image by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images
- Halle Berry Short Hair Pixie Hairstyles - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- Copy & Paste: These Celebs Have Us Seeing Double By Giving ... ›
- Celeb-Inspired Ways To Style Baby Hairs - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
Your December 2025 Monthly Horoscopes Are All About Surrender & Alignment
December is about letting go. We end the year with the need for more peace, reflection, and rejuvenation, and that is exactly what December is providing for us. The Sun is in Sagittarius, and anything is possible. This is the month to believe in that and to know that the universe is supporting you. With a Supermoon in Gemini as we begin the month as well, we have an opportunity to gain the closure we have been looking for this year and to wrap up old projects, ideas, and communication breakthroughs.
This is the month to make your peace the priority and let go of trying to control the way the tides are turning. Trust in your new beginning, and give yourself time to prepare for it this month.
A big part of the clarity that is coming through this month is due to Neptune going direct in Pisces on December 10, after being retrograde here since July. With Neptune now direct, we are able to see our inspiration and creativity a little more clearly, providing the perfect energy for dreams and manifestation to be built upon. The smoke is clearing, and it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with this newfound clarity that this transit is bringing. Mercury also moves back into Sagittarius on December 11, which is great for communication and clarity, and the adventures you were trying to see through at the beginning of November come around for you again with greater purpose and support.
On December 15, Mars enters Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and this is the extra push we need to make important changes and to be on the path towards greater abundance, stability, and prosperity. Mars in Capricorn takes care of business, and we have extra energy at our disposal during this time to do so. This transit is an ideal time to focus on your career or financial goals for next year and to start putting some of these plans into motion now. A few days later, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be in Sagittarius on December 19, and this is the perfect New Moon to manifest.
The energy is high, magic is in the air, and it’s all about moving forward with the new beginnings that are inspiring you and bringing you joy to think about right now.
Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21, and this earth sign energy is how we heal, gain closure, and build new foundations in our world. With Venus also moving into a Capricorn a few days later, there is something about peace, prosperity, and security that we are gaining in life and in love as we close out the year, and this is what we need right now. This month is about reflecting on what was, letting go of old hurt, and renewing. December is an ending and a new beginning in one, and there is magic in this space to be created.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
With Mercury in your 2nd house of income this month, December is a good time to plant new seeds and to think about where you want to be financially a month from now or even a year. This month is asking you to think bigger and to think more long-term so that you can set the appropriate plans into motion now. We also have a New Moon in your house of income before the month ends, and this is when you will see more of your dreams come to fruition in this area of your life, and have more opportunities to build. Overall, December will be teaching you a lot, Scorpio.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
Do You Expect Others To Read Your Mind? Here's The Problem With That.
Omniscience. If someone were to offer you $100 right this second for the definition of that word, could you immediately provide it? If you’re not sure, basically omniscience is about being able to know everything — and to those who believe in God, only he is given that honor. For those who believe in Satan? Not even he is omniscient (as much as he would like people to think otherwise).
Sometimes, it might feel that otherwise because some beings and even people are truly masterful when it comes to reading body language, observing patterns, and picking up on cues. Still, no matter how much it might seem like someone can read someone else’s mind, they can’t. It is literally impossible — and I will briefly expound on that in just a moment.
Oh, but there are plenty of people whose egos have them thinking that they can read someone else’s mind. Then there are others who have fantasies, which create unrealistic expectations that others in their lives actually should read their mind. And you know what — both of these things can cause unnecessary stress, drama, and trauma, if folks aren’t careful.
And that’s why I think it’s important that we unpack this a bit more. Because if you’re someone who thinks that if another person truly cares for you, they should be able to read your mind, it’s time to let that ridiculous yet semi-popular notion absolutely and completely go.
Here’s why.
It’s Scientifically Impossible for Someone to Read Your Mind
There are a couple of reasons why I am starting this off with R&B singer Avant. For one thing, I don’t think that he gets nearly enough flowers and secondly, clearly, this is a more-than-fitting song for today’s topic, wouldn’t you say? Because, lawd, there really is something that makes some of us feel all warm ‘n fuzzy about the mere thought of a man telling us that he is so in tuned with us that he can basically read our mind.
Hmph. Problem with that is, as I said in the intro, it is scientifically impossible (for us and for AI to do, praise the Lord!). And yet the fact that so many individuals think that they defy scientific data and research is oftentimes why there are so many breakdowns in communication — because if you run on assumption (that you can read someone’s mind) without clarification and confirmation, you can create issues that didn’t exist before you decided to fall for your own mind-reading theories.
Now to be fair, while science is still trying to figure out why we can’t read minds, what is sure is that we do have the capability to perceive the thoughts and actions of others if we’re willing to pay really close attention. However, do keep in mind that reading and perceiving are different. Reading? It’s about being able "to apprehend or interpret the meaning of" and "to anticipate, expect, or calculate by observation." Perceiving? It’s all about “to become aware of, know, or identify by means of the senses” and “to recognize, discern, envision, or understand.”
And already, do you see the differences? So much certainty comes with reading while perceiving is about humbling oneself (bookmark that) to not try to know everything but instead to try and understand what is transpiring. And since no one person (or their mind) is ever truly static, that is a huge part of the reason why believing that you can read someone’s mind — no matter how close you may be to them — is futile. You can change your mind on a dime. Others can do the same. Learning to perceive what is going on instead of assuming that you can “read” folks is far more beneficial.
Besides, you might be surprised by a particular demo who thinks that if you are truly who they need you to be, you will read their minds — and boy, once you know who they are, that may cure you of the whole “read your mind” ish…quick, fast and in a hurry.
The Expectation Is Oftentimes Rooted in Egomania
GiphyWhile doing a bit of research on this topic, I thought it was interesting that a particular type of person kept coming up. Can you guess which one? A NARCISSIST. What I kept noticing is a telling sign of a narcissistic individual is they expect others to read their mind.
I must admit that I was caught off guard by that at first because narcissists and their damn egos are so out of control (bookmark that) that it would seem like they would be more focused on acting like they know the thoughts of other people. Here’s the thing, though — the reason why narcissists want others to read their mind is because they want you to do things like guess what they want and need before they ask — and they want that to happen because they believe that they are so damn special that you should put in the extra blood, sweat and tears to figure it all out. Hmph. Now that tracks.
Another reason why narcissists want you to be able to read their mind is so they can manipulate and deflect. Meaning, if you say and do things based on what you thought they wanted you to, should everything crash and burn, they can dodge accountability and blame you for it. Hmm, does reading someone’s mind seem romantic and beautiful now? SMDH.
And again, all of this is tied to ego because, at the end of the day, mind-reading is a form of control and narcissists are definitely very controlling people. And honestly, mind-reading is as well because why do you even want to know someone’s private thoughts before they share them and, at the same time, why would you want someone to have that kind of power in your life either? “Eww” is what immediately comes to my mind. “Yuck” is what follows.
So, why is it that so many people think that it’s a good thing to have someone read their mind — I mean, the ones who don’t show narcissistic tendencies, that is? Good question.
5 Reasons Why Some People Wish Someone Would/Could Read Their Mind
GiphyOkay, so ego and pridefulness aside, what would be some other reasons why people think that it’s such a wonderful thing if someone who they are in some sort of intimate relationship with can read their mind.
1. They are caught up in Disney and rom-coms. One day, I am going to do an article on all of the ways that Disney and rom-coms have destroyed the reality of relationships. For now, I’ll just say that the scripted tales of both have caused a lot of people to think that if someone loves them, they should be able to read their mind. Nooo…if someone loves you, they should care to know what is on your mind. And that brings me to the second point.
2. They aren’t as good at communicating as they think. Are you a good communicator? One way to know if you are is you’re able to clearly articulate your wants and needs — because really, if you are able to do that, why should anyone even need to read your mind? Feel me? Let’s move on.
3. They want someone else to work harder at their relationships than they do. I say it in my sessions often — it’s beyond crazy to think that someone should work harder at figuring out what your wants, needs and expectations are than you are willing to express them. Hmph. It makes me think of a friend of mine who says that “should” is a dangerous word. What she means by that is saying that someone should do or not do something simply because YOU THINK that’s how it “should” go is a surefire way to stay disappointed and even be disillusioned. No, your man shouldn’t just know what you want every year for your birthday. Did you state it? If not, why aren’t you playing fair? Who has time for all of the guessing games and then getting penalized if they guess wrong? Stop it.
4. They think it’s the sign of a healthy relationship (it isn’t). Anyone who knows me knows that I am always and forever going to be Team Healthy over Team Happy and my reason why never changes. Only children expect to live in a world where they are happy all of the time — and yes, there are a lot of childish people out here. People who want their mind read? They tend to live in happy land. Meanwhile, a healthy relationship knows that clear communication, mutual respect, keen listening, patience and understanding that humans make mistakes are foundational to its success.
5. They are lazy. And yes y’all, some people want others to read their mind because they are lazy and it really is just as simple as that. Thing is, while they are being passive aggressive, dropping hints or giving the silent treatment so that you can figure out whatever it is that they…want you to figure out, that tends to take more effort than simply speaking up. Ridiculous, chile.
How to Let the Myth Go
GiphyGee, after reading all of this, suddenly reading minds just seems like a lot of silliness with a sprinkle of drama and potential trauma, doesn’t it? And it’s all because some people choose to treat something that is a myth like it’s a bona fide fact. SMDH.
And what if you happen to be one of those individuals? How do you break free? COMMUNICATE. Openly, clearly and maturely share what’s on your mind and heart because, the true tell of a solid relationship isn’t that someone can read your mind; it’s that they can retain what you’ve already stated.
Less reading. More perceiving. That’s the secret sauce.
And when you accept this for what it is, you will realize that it’s far better for you, your partner and your relationship to stop expecting the impossible and to accept what is actual: that learning your partner, as they strive to do the same thing with you, is better than you both assuming that you know what…maybe you do, maybe you don’t.
___
Author Frank Sonnenberg once said, “People can’t hear what you don’t say. Thinking isn’t communicating” — and I think this is a perfect place to bring all of this to a close.
Find the kind of relationship(s) where intention is so strong that mind-reading isn’t even desired.
At the end of the day, it really is as simple as that.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock









