In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
As single women, the thought of getting married and trading in our spontaneity for compromise and routine can be bittersweet, but this Florida-based couple is proof that when you marry the right man, every day is a new adventure.
Brittany and Walter met for the first time at a FAMU frat party in 2013, where Walter immediately realized that the graceful AKA was everything he didn't know was missing. "When I first saw Brittany, I thought, 'Oh that's my type: tall, long legs, beautiful smile, big lips. And I said to myself, I need that in my life."
After months of unsuccessfully shooting his shot, Walter finally got the chance of a lifetime when his dream girl slid him her number after a football game. Little did he know, it was only a matter of time before she would become his wife and the mother of his unborn baby girl.
Five years into their relationship, Walter proposed during a romantic vacation in Jamaica, and one year later, the couple was married on a beach in Pensacola, FL surrounded by 300 of their closest family and friends. At the end of this month, the Smalls will celebrate their four-year wedding anniversary, and according to Brittany and Walter, the honeymoon still isn't over.
Rachelle Lynn Photography
Despite previously being diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), Brittany discovered that they would be expecting a new addition to their family that's dropping this July. The coupled shared that their miracle baby not only solidified their faith in God, but confirmed their faith in their marriage.
Like most women who battle with infertility, Brittany initially felt betrayed by her body and she carried this sense of shame into her relationship. "For the first month after I was diagnosed, I carried such guilt that I might not be able to give my husband a family," she revealed. Luckily, Walt was by her side every step of the way to give her the boost of hope she needed. "I think he recognized that in me and affirmed me that this wasn't anybody's fault, but our journey would be our testimony. I thank God for him during that time."
Although this news would have been devastating enough to make most relationships crumble, Brittany and Walt shared that the diagnosis made them want to fight even harder for the life they had always dreamed of. Brittany expressed, "If anything, I think the diagnosis made our marriage stronger. My husband is the one who told me that God was in control of our lives and he was there to support me with processing my diagnosis, doing my research, [and] coming to doctor's appointments."
Rachelle Lynn Photography
Despite the fact that Brittany is 33 weeks pregnant, she and Walter still make time for romance and recently went on a "babymoon" to celebrate their last vacation as a family of two.
In preparation for their baby girl, the couple is making big plans for the future, and recently, Brittany and Walter (who are celebrating four years of marriage on May 30) took a walk down memory lane and threw it all the way back to 2015. In this edition of Our First Year, Brittany and Walter sat down with xoNecole and gave us all the tea on what it took to make it through the first 365 days after their wedding. Here's what they had to say:
The One
Brittany: I knew that he was the one by the way that he always protects me. When we first got together, my self-esteem was very low. He recognized it and told me that a woman this beautiful should not feel this way about herself. Through his actions and his constant affection, he taught me how to love myself again. He appreciated all the things about myself that I disliked. For that, I am so grateful that he came into my life when he did.
Walter: I knew that Brittany was the one when she challenged me and made me better as a man. There is a feeling of unconditional love that has always existed between us. I think we were so young when we got together, we didn't necessarily know what would happen with us. What we did realize was that we had a special bond and through the years that bond grew because we essentially grew into adulthood together. All of our adult defining moments were accomplished together. For us, that really creates a different bond that can't be broken.
Rachelle Lynn Photography
"I knew that Brittany was the one when she challenged me and made me better as a man. There is a feeling of unconditional love that has always existed between us."
Meet Me At The Altar
Brittany: I think the defining moment that confirmed for me that he would make an amazing husband and head of our household is when my sister was living in Washington D.C. and took ill due to her Crohn's disease. She ended up in ICU and almost passed away. When I told Walt what happened, he bought me a plane ticket to go and see her. He knew how important my family was to me and knew that I was so emotionally distraught, and I wasn't really taking it well. So, he took control of the situation and supported me.
Walter: I got a job in Orlando and moved. We weren't even long distance for three months before Brittany worked to get a promotion and moved to Orlando to be with me. It showed me that she was fully invested, and our love was her priority.
Overcoming Fears In Marriage
Brittany: My biggest fear was becoming so involved in my marriage that I lost myself. I grew up being raised to work hard and always have my own, not just financially but also my own life. I didn't want to be one of those wives so caught up in their husband that they lose their own sense of self. I think I let go of those fears because I recognized that one of the things I appreciate most about Walt is that he has never tried to change me and embraces my individuality and eclectic personality. I calmed my fears by talking it over with Walt and he was able to show me how outlandish those fears are. I am an over-analyzer and 9 times out of 10, Walt is the one who has to talk me off the ledge.
Walter: My biggest fear for marriage was not being able to provide for my family. I decided to let my fear become my motivation. It's what wakes me up in the morning, my drive to fulfill my goals and dreams. I always want to make sure that I can give my family the best and that my wife and future children have everything they ever wanted.
Rachelle Lynn Photography
"I didn't want to be one of those wives so caught up in their husband that they lose their own sense of self. I think I let go of those fears because I recognized that one of the things I appreciate most about Walt is that he has never tried to change me and embraces my individuality and eclectic personality."
Important Lessons In Marriage
Brittany: I think I learned forgiveness. I am a perfectionist and I like things to be perfect, but that's not a reality in a relationship and especially not marriage. We are not perfect, and I came to understand that I can't expect my husband to be perfect. I know that he loves me and wouldn't intentionally hurt me or make me mad, and that's all that matters.
Walter: I learned that you are not alone in this journey called life. You have a partner that you can depend on when you're weak and be the strength when your partner has shortcomings.
Baggage Claim
Brittany: I had to learn how to relinquish control. I can be a control freak and have always been what some call bossy, but what I like to say is strong leadership skills. I know that it was important for Walt to feel like the head of our household and I didn't want to emasculate him. I had to learn how to let my voice be heard without taking over everything.
Walter: For me, I had to learn the importance of communication, communicating consistently, and the different types of communication. For example, I am solution-based and sometimes Brittany just wants me to listen to her and let her vent, not go directly to solving the problem. Also, learning that communicating consistently is important. It's not just about me anymore but making sure that my family knows what's going on. For both of us, these are still works in progress, but that's what marriage is all about.
Rachelle Lynn Photography
"I had to learn the importance of communication, communicating consistently, and the different types of communication. For example, I am solution-based and sometimes Brittany just wants me to listen to her and let her vent, not go directly to solving the problem. For both of us, these are still works in progress, but that's what marriage is all about."
Overcoming Challenges
Brittany: Some of our early challenges were how we were going to do our finances and communication. Dating as broke college students, we had already shared a lot financially. We made sure each other had what we needed. But being young professionals and finally making good money, it was a challenge to learn how to merge and manage our finances together. We tackled this issue by creating a google doc budget with sheets for every month and everything is divided by weeks. It gives both of us access to see where the money is going and what bills are being paid weekly. We also decided to tackle finances as a team and build our wealth together.
Best Advice
Brittany: Our relationship mantra has always been to do what's best for us, even if it doesn't look like what others think it should. Our first year of marriage we had to continue to remind ourselves that we knew what worked for us and getting married shouldn't change that. Our first few months we struggled with trying to establish a new normal, but quickly realized that what we had already built worked best for us. We know each other best and live our lives according to our own rules.
Rachelle Lynn Photography
"Our relationship mantra has always been to do what's best for us, even if it doesn't look like what others think it should. Our first year of marriage we had to continue to remind ourselves that we knew what worked for us and getting married shouldn't change that."
The Best Part
Brittany: I love how compassionate and caring he is. I love that people are drawn to his personality and how he truly goes above and beyond for his loved ones. I love that he doesn't take himself too seriously and is a true gentleman. I love that he is like a cuddly teddy bear, so warm and touchy-feely.
Walter: I love that Brittany is the perfect combination of beauty and intelligence. I love that she is ambitious and has such a creative, beautiful mind. I love that she is so passionate about the ones that she cares about. I love that Brittany has always had traditional values as a wife, but also progressive.
Building Together
Brittany: Our common goal is to build generational wealth. We want to continue to build on the legacy that our parents provided for us and do even more for our future generations. Our marriage purpose is living a life that is pleasing to God. We want to always be a representation of God's love and His promise to His people. Our individual goals serve that common goal daily because we work at our jobs and side hustles to make sure that we build our wealth.
You can keep up with Walter and Brittany on Instagram or on their YouTube page! Also make sure to watch their adorable pregnancy reveal video below, just make sure you grab a box of tissues, first!
Our Journey to Parenthood, Our Miracle | Conceiving Naturally with PCOS | A Small Worldyoutu.be
Want more Our First Year love stories? Check them out here.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Create a Budget. Stick to It.
GiphyBudgets, boy. I recently read that one of the reasons why they don’t work for a lot of people is because many folks don’t have a clue about how much money they spend on a monthly basis to begin with. SMDH. That said, at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that a budget is simply setting boundaries/limits on your spending — and being intentional about moving in this fashion is always a wise move; especially when it comes to this time of the year…especially being that it’s typical for half of all Americans to take on some type of holiday season debt with 17 percent needing six (or more) months to pay it off.
Know what can prevent this kind of financial chaos? A SPENDING BUDGET. Tips for how to create one of your own this year can be found here.
2. Never Shop When You’re Stressed or Pressed
GiphyYou know how they say that it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? Although the holiday season can be a stressful time, avoid shopping for gifts (or décor or food for recipes) when you are feeling stressed out or pressed for time. More times than not, that cultivates anxiety which could cause you to either purchase things that you don’t really want or to spend money that you don’t really have (P.S. If you’re relying on credit cards, that qualifies as money that you don’t really have. Just sayin’).
3. Don’t Keep Up with the Joneses
GiphyKnow something else that can stress you out: trying to keep up with the Joneses. And y’all, now that we have social media, the reality is that envy is at an all-time high. That’s because it can be really easy to watch holiday engagements, holiday trips and folks bragging about the things that they’ve received in times past, only for you to find yourself wishing that you were them — or putting pressure on yourself and those in your world to keep up.
Listen, it is King Solomon who once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) and “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones” (Proverbs 14:30 — NKJV) and he’s considered to be the wisest man who ever lived (during his time — I Kings 4:30). Yeah, both of these verses are a spiritual reminder that whatever you are planning to do or give, do it out of the goodness of your heart — not so that you can low-key “outdo” the next guy.
4. No Need to “Tit-for-Tat”
GiphyThis one might be a bit controversial yet I’m totally okay with that. I don’t care what the occasion is, no one is OWED a present. A gift is a voluntary token of one’s appreciation or affection. That said, if you decide to give someone a present this year, don’t automatically expect something in return. If you get something, cool. If not, if you were giving for the right reasons, it really shouldn’t matter (RIGHT?). On the flip side, if someone decides to get you something and you don’t have something to offer in return, also cool.
Other than going to someone’s home for a holiday dinner or party, for anyone to feel like they should have something in hand because someone else does…that’s not giving, that’s competing — and that absolutely should not be the spirit that you are in (or around) during this time of year.
Again, a gift is not an obligatory thing. If you’ve always thought otherwise, it’s time to do some serious reprogramming.
5. Avoid the Pressure to Buy for Lots of Adults
GiphyLast month, Newsweek published an article that said it’s wise to not spend a ton of money purchasing gifts for adults. A financial expert in the piece said that it’s best to buy for kids because, more times than not, you’re going to get adults something that they already have a lot of, they don’t really need or they’re not going to use (beyond maybe regifting) anyway.
If you’re not feeling that insight, my take would be to exchange names and set a price cap for the grown folks. I say that because, I don’t think that people ever outgrow wanting something over Christmas. It’s just that the over-the-top energy should be reserved for the kiddies — and even then, the “4-gift rule” (want, need, read, experience) is probably your best bet for them…financially and otherwise.
6. Go for Thoughtful over Expensive
GiphyIt’s kind of wild how much close-to-torture folks send themselves through to purchase gifts that, a good 6-8 months now, most folks aren’t even going to remember. That’s why it’s also a good idea to purpose in your mind to get something thoughtful over expensive.
Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why Etsy continues to be a go-to for gifts (for every occasion) for me. It’s because you can oftentimes get things customized/personalized which ends up meaning so much more to people than something that you bought at a generic department store that might have a high price tag yet still lacks in sentimentality and deep meaning.
7. Use Coupons and Promo Codes
GiphyCoupons (and promo codes) are a slippery slope in the sense that…they remind me of when I used to go overboard while thrift store shopping. I say that because, just because I might find several bomb dresses for under $20, what am I going to do with 50 of ‘em (over time)? It’s just as much of a waste of money as buying couture if neither option gets much use.
And that’s kind of the thing about coupons and promo codes. Some people end up overspending because they rationalize that so long as there are discounts attached, it’s all good. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you should forego coupons and promo codes altogether. The key is to put together your shopping list (and budget) and then use discounts specifically for those items. If you do this, you could save well over $1,000 annually (at least, depending on what you decide to buy).
8. Avoid Add-Ons
GiphyYeah. Dodge add-on expenses. Add-ons like what? The first thing that comes to my mind is a warranty. What’s the chance that someone is actually going to need that? Another example is paying for things to be “professionally” gift wrapped. Chile, throw that stuff in a gift bag with some tissue paper and go on about your day. All good.
9. Rethink Gift Cards
GiphyIf there is any time of the year when there is a noticeable hike in gift card purchases, now would be it. And although they are a convenient approach to gift giving, at the same time, many come with hidden fees, the full amount oftentimes goes unused (which ends up being a waste of money) and they do come with expiration dates that are oftentimes forgotten.
So, if you’re someone who likes to wait until the last minute to do your holiday shopping, resist the urge to impulsively pick up a handful of gift cards. Unless it’s to a place that you know someone is going to use within the next few months, they could end up in somebody’s kitchen drawer for the next couple of years. And what a waste that would be.
10. They’ll Get It When They Do. And That’s Okay.
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GiphyOne more. Although it is super thoughtful and proactive to get people their gifts in time for whatever occasion you purchased them for, if trying to reach that goal is going to require paying for rush shipping that is damn near as high as the price of gift or spending a lot of gas money that you don’t have at the moment to drive miles and miles away — take the pressure off to spend a ton of cash just to make sure that something arrives at December 25. Listen, through doing business with Etsy, I have learned that through this administration, there are all sorts of tariff issues going on and the USPS is slower than ever too, so paying more may not guarantee much.
The hack? Send a message that something special is coming…soon enough. The thought really is what counts (more times than not); plus, it builds anticipation of something good coming, even if it’s after all of the Christmas Day hoopla. And no one (with sense) is going to have a problem with that.
Now don’t you feel better? Happy Holiday Shopping, sis.
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